What We're Starting Next

~.~

Cyrus Goodman is holding a boy's hand for the first time, and it's like he's floating in a waking dream. His mind is full of a soft buzzing, overwhelmed with lovely contradictions. The night air is chilling his face, but the fire is radiating warmth to ward it off. Noise from the party is pressing in from behind them, but it can't quite penetrate their tranquil little bubble. The wooden slats of the bench are hard and kinda uncomfortable, but the skin of TJ's palm is supple and inviting.

Cyrus has always thought of TJ as handsome, but right now, Cyrus's mind is stuck on the word beautiful. TJ is just so beautiful to Cyrus right now, with his crinkled eyes and soft smile half-illuminated by flickering firelight.

As they quietly study each other's blissfully happy expressions, Cyrus allows his sensory awareness to soak in the feeling of their hands entwined. The snug, dry press of TJ's long fingers, threaded so securely between Cyrus's, is even better than he imagined it would be. And he's done a lot of imagining before now.

His chest feels lighter, but also strangely tighter, like his heart and lungs are expanding past their limits. It's so easy to breathe. The weight of all the dark uncertainty in his chest has vanished. He feels amazing. He feels safe, and adored, and... brave.

That realization inspires him to gently pull TJ's hand into his lap, and use the fingertips of his free hand to carefully trace over the tops of TJ's fingers.

TJ bites into his lip, suddenly shy, and both boys drop their eyes down to watch their joined hands. As they silently observe, Cyrus slowly outlines the shape of TJ's knuckles, and sweetly brushes over the delicate hairs on the back of TJ's hand, trying to learn it all by heart.

"This is definitely, by far, the best hand I've ever held," Cyrus dares to say, quiet and sincere and... well, more than a little flirtatious.

"I've never held hands before" TJ murmurs. "I didn't think it would feel like this."

"Yeah," is all Cyrus can say in response. The feeling is overwhelming him still. He wonders when he'll adjust to it, then thinks that maybe he won't.

TJ clears his throat a little, swallows audibly, and lifts his gaze again. Cyrus meets his eyes, and can feel the air shift around them as they each consider what they want to say next.

"So. We've established that we both have things we want to tell each other," Cyrus ventures first. "And I think it's safe to say we've already said a lot of it without... you know, actual words. But I think words are important too. Because they ensure absolute clarity. And because... they're just really nice to hear."

TJ huffs out an amused little breath and nods. "I think you're probably right."

Cyrus thinks about how TJ has already confessed something difficult tonight. The fresh memory of TJ's raw vulnerability sparks a powerful urge to show TJ that same level of openness in return.

"Good. Then... alright. I'll start." Cyrus nods and takes a long, deep, fortifying breath. "About a year ago, there was a moment — I don't know if you remember it, because it was such a small thing, but — I was telling you how excited I was for my Summer trip overseas, and how I didn't feel like I could fully gush about it in front of Andi because she was so bummed out about Jonah being away at camp, so—"

"I took out my phone, opened Google Maps, and asked you to show me all the places you were looking forward to going," TJ interjects with a grin. "I remember."

Cyrus's heart does a pleasant little jolting shudder.

"We tilted our heads close together to look at the screen," Cyrus continues, bolstered. "You listened to my long rants, and smiled, and kept bumping our shoulders together like it was so natural. And then... you said you wished you could go too. And suddenly I realized how much better it would be if you could come with me. Because, honestly, everything is better when you're around. You make my life more fun and exciting and full. Always. You've been doing it since the first time you pushed me on the swings. And I love that."

"More than you love my name?" TJ asks, like he's trying to playfully make light of what Cyrus just said, but his eyes are a little damp around the edges and his breaths are coming faster. He's obviously feeling overwhelmed.

Cyrus tightens his hold on TJ's hand, firmly sandwiching it between both of his own in a pocket of warmth. He hopes it feels as much like a reassuring anchor for TJ as it does for him.

"There are a lot of other things I love about you," Cyrus manages to whisper. "Like how good you are at inspiring the kids you work with. And how much effort you put in at school now, even when it frustrates you. And... and how you've never made me feel stupid or helpless when I'm afraid of something. Not once. You're actually the only person in my life I can say that about."

"I am?" TJ whispers back, a little choked.

Cyrus nods and swallows and squeezes TJ's hand. "When I think about how I only knew you as the Scary Basketball Guy, and how much has happened since then, and how important you are to me now... I'm just so happy everything happened exactly the way it did. I don't even really have words for how grateful I am."

"Me neither," TJ says, swallowing roughly and clearing his throat a little again. "But I'm gonna try to find some anyway."

Cyrus's throat is too tight to respond. His eyes are too wet, and his chest is too full, and he hopes TJ can tell just from looking at him that there's no pressure and no rush to say anything at all.

"You..." TJ starts, falters, starts again. "You're so good, Cyrus. Everything about you is good. You're the best person I've ever met. And, like, I'm pretty sure you're the sweetest, funniest, cutest boy in the world."

The enormity of TJ's praise hits Cyrus like a concussive blast, and it takes all of his willpower to resist cracking a bad joke to shatter the breathtaking tension. He wants to say: I think you mispronounced 'the silliest, fussiest, cringy-est boy in the world'. But he stops himself, because he doesn't really want to diminish TJ's beautiful confession and ruin the moment.

Apparently he does a bad job of keeping his thoughts from showing in his expression, though, because TJ rolls his eyes and lets out a bright burst of laughter. "Don't make that face at me! You know you're adorable. You say it all the time."

"I do," Cyrus acknowledges with a self-deprecating half-smirk. "Which is one of the many annoying things about me."

"Stop it," TJ laughs. His voice is still a little shaky, but his smile is beaming with certainty. "Even when you're annoying you're still the cutest."

"And even when you're oblivious and intimidating you're still devastatingly attractive to me," Cyrus immediately tosses back with a grin. "So I guess I understand what you're saying."

TJ's cheeks are pinker than Cyrus has ever seen them, and the sight of it makes Cyrus's stomach flutter. TJ shakes his head with a fond smile, and Cyrus feels the humorously flirty atmosphere fade back into soft, sweet, quiet adoration.

"Seriously, though. You're amazing," TJ says. "Sometimes I look at you and I can't believe how lucky I am, because I get to be around you so much. When I stop and think about it, it kinda shocks me that you chose to be my friend, and then kept being my friend when I kept messing up, and the whole time you just... kept letting me get closer. Like, how did that happen to me?"

"You're the one who started it," Cyrus reminds him with a coy shrug.

TJ's eyes crinkle with happiness at the memory. "I think about that day all the time," TJ admits. "I had no idea what I was starting. And now I guess I'm just waiting to find out what we're starting next."

"Hmmm," Cyrus hums thoughtfully. "Well. For one thing, I'd like to start holding your hand at every available opportunity. Literally any time you'll let me."

TJ gives Cyrus an affectionately wry look. "Uh-huh. I already sorta figured that one out," he says, pointedly looking down at where Cyrus has absentmindedly begun to explore TJ's hand again, rubbing at the joints and very lightly scratching at the grooves.

"Well," Cyrus says with a cheeky smile. "It's a very, very good hand."

TJ's pink cheeks go a little pinker, and his smile goes a bit shyer, and Cyrus is getting a headrush from this newfound power over TJ's emotional state.

"Yours are really nice too," TJ mutters, endearingly a bit bashful. Then he seems to psych himself up, because his voice is more confident again as he continues. "Okay, so. Handholding and... what else?"

Cyrus takes a beat to think carefully about how much he should ask for, and how he should word it. "Maybe the next time we go somewhere together, we can think of it as a date?" he settles on.

TJ's eyebrows lift, along with one corner of his mouth. "Yeah?"

"Yes. I'd like that. If you'd like that."

TJ hesitates, and Cyrus tries not to read anything into it. Tries to wait patiently with no expectations.

"Yeah, I'd like that. But..." TJ's smile dims a bit and his eyes dart away, looking into the fire instead of at Cyrus. "Who else would know it's a date?"

Oh, Cyrus thinks. Right. He should've anticipated a concern like this from TJ. He feels disappointment and wariness rush through him like cold water, but it's all immediately replaced with feelings of compassion and protectiveness.

"It can just be something private between the two of us for now, if that's what you need," Cyrus gently reassures him. "It's okay if—"

"No," TJ cuts in, looking back at Cyrus with an anxious crease between his eyebrows. "No, I think... our friends and parents should know, at least, right?"

Cyrus is so, so relieved to hear that, but keeps it tamped down, keeps his face as neutral as he can. "Only if you're really, really sure you'd be comfortable with that," he insists.

TJ sets his mouth into a line of determination. "They deserve to know," he says. He's quiet for a moment as he seems to consider something else. Then his mouth tilts up into a soft, musing smile. "And I think we deserve it, too. Having people know about us and hopefully support us. That sounds good, right?"

"Oh, thank God," Cyrus exhales theatrically with a pronounced shoulder sag. "It'd be so hard to keep this a secret from my friends. Especially Buffy. You know I'm an awful liar, even under the most ideal conditions, and Buffy's like a lie-sniffing bloodhound. When I see her later, I know the first thing she'll ask me about is you — and whether I saw you or talked to you. And if I had to lie and pretend like my life hasn't just completely changed, I really don't know how I'd pull it off."

By the time he's finished rambling dramatically, TJ's smile is on full-blast again, beaming with wonder. It only takes a few seconds for Cyrus to start getting antsy from having that awe-struck grin fixed on him so intently.

He shifts in his seat. "Uh... Something I said?" he chuckles a little awkwardly.

"You know what I love about you?" TJ asks, and Cyrus's heart seizes up from the sudden, unexpected reciprocation of the L word. TJ grins even wider and elaborates, "I love how you can say really big things like they're not a big deal at all."

"Oh," Cyrus says, embarrassingly breathless. "Well. It's easy to be honest with you. I feel safe telling you big things."

"Me too. Which seems like a good quality for boyfriends to have in common."

The casual presumption of their status makes Cyrus a bit dizzy with joy. "Definitely," he agrees whole-heartedly.

There are more things Cyrus could say, and he suspects the same goes for TJ, but they both seem content to let the moment linger, soaking in the importance of their agreement.

The sweet silence doesn't last long, though. TJ's phone chimes loudly in his pocket, and it feels like a spell is broken. TJ reluctantly pulls his hand back, fishes out his cell, and reads his new text.

"I have to go," TJ informs him, sounding unhappy but resigned. "My mom just reminded me I agreed to be home in fifteen minutes. She needs me to help her wrap presents for my little cousin's first birthday tomorrow."

Cyrus is too delighted by this new piece of information to feel disappointed. "Another thing I didn't know!" he crows.

TJ snorts and gives him a fond smirk. "Got any plans for tomorrow?"

"You mean besides probably icing my body down to recover from this night of athletic, pro-level dancing?"

TJ huffs through his nose, amused. And even though Cyrus makes him laugh like that all the time, it feels extra good right now.

"I'm meeting the crew at The Spoon for lunch, but otherwise I'm completely free," is his serious follow-up answer.

"Then afterward you should come by the mini birthday bash we're throwing."

"Should I?"

TJ nods emphatically. "If you don't come, I'll be bored the whole time."

"Lies! You'll be playing with all the little kids, having loads of fun and making your cousin very happy."

"Got me all figured out now, huh?" TJ asks, trying to pretend to be annoyed but totally failing at it. "Weren't you literally just doing that bit about how mysterious I am?"

"Deflection! I'm right. We both know I'm right," Cyrus declares with as much smugness as he can muster. He breaks immediately, though, and follows it up with one last soft confession. "We both also know how much I would enjoy watching you with them. So I'm in."

"Awesome," TJ mutters happily, then stands up from the bench and smiles down at Cyrus. "Then I'll tell my mom tonight."

Cyrus stands as well, and steps in close. "Can I call you later to ask how it went and say goodnight?"

"Of course you can. Goodnight calls are one of your new boyfriend privileges."

"Oh, excellent," Cyrus murmurs. "Are lingering goodbye hugs also a boyfriend privilege?"

TJ answers by swooping in to wrap his arms around Cyrus's waist. Cyrus sways into the embrace and raises his arms to circle around TJ's neck. When he's sure TJ's hold is secure enough, he lifts up onto his tiptoes slightly, just enough to hook his chin over TJ's shoulder and press their cheeks together.

And — oh, alright, wow. That's... even nicer than holding hands, Cyrus thinks. He surrenders himself to the wild pounding of his pulse, the roar of blood he can almost hear as warmth spreads through his limbs. He just lets himself feel everything — too lovely, too much, all at once — in a way he was never brave enough to let himself feel before.

"Thank you for everything you told me tonight," Cyrus whispers.

"Thank you for everything you've ever done for me," TJ whispers back.

Cyrus tightens his arms and roughly inhales the scent of firewood and musk clinging to TJ's neck.

"I'll call you later," he reaffirms, because the longer they hold on to each other, the more necessary it feels to remind them both that they're not really saying goodbye for very long, and they should probably untangle soon.

"Yeah," TJ agrees, but neither of them let go until TJ's phone chimes again a minute later. TJ rolls his eyes as he pulls away and groans, "Okay, I have to leave for real now. If she's mad at me, it'll be harder to start a conversation about all this with her."

"Or, it could be what starts the conversation," Cyrus offers as a rebuttal. "You know, like — 'Sorry I'm late, Mom, but my boyfriend couldn't stop hugging me, and it's not my fault I'm irresistible.' Nice and direct."

"Stop saying cute things!" TJ teasingly complains. "It's really distracting."

Cyrus opens his mouth to say something even cuter in defiance, but his phone chimes too, so they both take a moment to check their texts.

"My mom can't find the good scissors," TJ summarizes with another impressive eye roll. "Apparently that was something she couldn't wait to tell me until I got home. What's yours say?"

Cyrus holds his phone up in front of TJ's face and watches him go pink again as he reads.

BUFFY:

It looks like you're finally done cuddling TJ, but it's hard to be sure. Can we come out now?

In unison, they turn their heads to the back of the house, where Buffy and Andi are clearly visible behind a doorside window, peeking out through the open blinds without even trying to be inconspicuous about it.

"Your crew is really nosy," TJ says mildly, trying to sound casual about being caught.

"Yeah, but karmically I had this coming," Cyrus sighs. "Buffy and I have spied on Andi like that more than once."

TJ gives Cyrus an unimpressed look. "That doesn't surprise me at all."

"Good. Because you've just signed up to deal with nonsense like this on a regular basis," Cyrus informs him gravely. "The sooner you accept it, the easier things will be for you."

"Hmm. Totally worth it," TJ says. He reaches out to give Cyrus's hand one last, quick squeeze. "Bye, Cy."

"Bye, Teej," Cyrus shoots back with a little wave.

TJ walks through the back door and pauses in the threshold to give the two snoopers a wry smirk. "Goodnight, ladies," he offers with sarcastic politeness, then continues on through the house towards the front exit.

"Night, TJ!" Buffy yells at his back, shamelessly cheerful, and much louder than necessary now that the music has been turned down and almost all the guests have gone home.

Andi giggles helplessly, then links her arm through Buffy's and guides them over to Cyrus.

"Sooooo?" Andi prompts him for details, high-pitched with barely-contained delight.

"Tell. Us. Everything," Buffy adds, wide-eyed and demanding.

"Okay, first of all," Cyrus says, as sternly as he can manage to sound while grinning from ear-to-ear, "we need to come up with a plan to slowly ease him into our personally-invasive way of life. Because unfortunately — just like most people — my boyfriend thinks it's weird."

Nonchalantly dropping the boyfriend bomb initiates a round of muffled squealing and childish bouncing from both girls, followed by a chaotic, off-balance group hug.

"I knew it!" Buffy hollers.

"Fiiinally!" Andi cackles.

Cyrus lets his face get smushed between theirs. He lets them jostle his legs and squish his torso and tell him how much they love him and how much he deserves this, over and over again.

When they calm down a little, Buffy pulls back just enough to let them see the sly smile on her face. "I think we'll need a similar plan for my boyfriend," she says.

Cyrus feels joy compound on more joy as he and Andi swing Buffy around and perform an encore of the whole frantic congratulatory spectacle.

By the time Jonah, Bex, and Bowie join them, Cyrus has settled himself into a chair to begin processing everything. He's buzzing and glowing and so, so bursting with love — for the good people in his life, for his good fortune, and for everything good he has to look forward to.

He's ready for tomorrow, because it's all just starting now.

~.~