AN: (Cross-posted on AO3)

This fic is tagged mature for a reason. It is not meant to be sex ed. Even though by FFN's guidelines, non-explicit adult-themed content is permissible for a 16+ audience, I would recommend minors to seek supervision from their parents/guardians if they would like to read this fic.

But if you are looking for something really steamy, I guess I'm sorry to disappoint. This fic just contains lewd humour that makes you wonder what I'm smoking. The answer is bacon.

Tags: aged-up characters, established relationship, cohabitation, lewd humour, OOC, probably would make you question your choice of clicking into this fic

I Am Not a Cliff-jumping Penguin!

"Unnn…nnnh!"

Yukina was trying to scream, but she couldn't, paralyzed in sleep. She was dreaming, the same nightmare that had repeated itself night after night lately. A giraffe would appear, asking her to perform. It dipped its head down to Yukina's level, handing her a sword held in its mouth. Who in real life would just take a sword from a giraffe? But the Dream Yukina was propelled to take it. "Merci," she answered. French? With a Kansai accent? At least if it were German or English, Yukina would know where it came from, seeing as she had been digging through too many German and English dictionaries for words to spice up Roselia lyrics. But French? Had she been eating too many French breads lately? Because she swore the only other French word she knew was "pain".

This wasn't the worst part. After she took the sword, cheerful idol music would sound in the background – a cross between PasuPare and HaroHapi. And for whatever reason, she'd sing and dance along, two tufts of feathers that she didn't previously know existed would flap by both sides of her head. Then her hands would turn to flippers. Penguin flippers. She had turned to a penguin, the stage a cliff dropping down to frigid Antarctic waters! And she would jump from the cliff, sword still in hand – flipper – till her penguin blubber crashed the waves while the giraffe's voice could be heard echoing in the background of ocean depths. "Wakarimasu…"

"I am not a cliff-jumping penguin!" Yukina's scream finally escaped her mouth. She shot up in her bed, sweat pouring down her forehead. She looked at her hands. Human hands, not flippers. She then touched her own head to be relieved that no feathers were felt. It was just a nightmare. A repeating nightmare.

"Mi…Minato-san, what's wrong?" a voice muttered from beside her. Sayo slowly opened her eyes that were still clearly clouded by sleep as she reached a hand over to Yukina's pillow and patted it as though to search for her.

Yukina lowered herself back down onto the bed. "I am fine. Just had a…bad dream."

"That is not fine…would you like a cup of warm milk to help you sleep? I will go get it."

Yukina put a hand on Sayo's shoulder to stop her from getting up. "It is okay. I don't want to drink anything at the moment. I think I can get back to sleep without it."

"You sure?"

"Certain."

"Alright." Sayo conceded. Yukina turned around so that Sayo could only see her back. Sayo was wide awake now, and worried. This wasn't the first night during which Yukina would wake up screaming about…penguins?

This was a little surreal, but Sayo vowed to solve the problem nonetheless.

The day after was a break day. Lisa asked them out, but Yukina declined, saying she had to catch up on her compositions. Sayo was going to stay home to help Yukina, until Lisa nagged about how she was finally in-town for once and they just had to meet up before she went home to Nagasaki. Sayo reluctantly took up the responsibility as Yukina's representative to this meeting.

"Yukina would rather write songs instead of meeting her poor childhood friend? How horrible!" Lisa whined the moment Sayo alone stepped into the coffee shop where Lisa had asked to meet.

"It can't be helped. We have an important live performance coming up and this song needs to be composed so we can add it to our setlist as soon as possible."

"Psh…Musicians."

Lisa took a sip on her coffee. Sayo thought she had calmed down but was quickly proven wrong when Lisa stuck her head really close to Sayo's face.

"Imai-san! You are being too close!"

"Oh, just looking at something here…"

"I do not care! Please back off from my face!"

Lisa shrugged, finally sitting back down. "I was just looking at the acne on your forehead. You seem to be using an awful lot of concealer beneath your eyes too. Hiding eyebags?"

"That is none of your concern!"

"But as a good friend, I am concerned! You don't seem to be sleeping well. Is Yukina snoring or something?"

"Minato-san does not snore!"

"Hey, this kind of thing is awfully common amongst couples, okay. It's not a bad thing to sleep in separate rooms if it's super bad. That and the snorer should go see a doctor. Might be sleep apnea."

"Like I said…"

"If it's not snoring, then is Yukina tossing around in bed too much? Or stealing the blanket?"

Sayo sighed. "Why do you keep presuming that this is a problem with Minato-san?"

"Because, Yukina is sort of high-maintenance, you've got to admit that. She's horrible at housework, is a clutz who forgets to take care of herself, and yet is too prideful to ask for help, and when she does she can't express herself well. It's like if you take your eyes off her for a day she'd get herself tangled in her own mic cable or something."

Well, what Lisa said was fair – Sayo couldn't deny that. But she had to defend Yukina somehow.

"It is not as bad as you make it sound, Imai-san."

"So, your sleeping problem does have to do with Yukina?"

"I did not say that!"

"But you implied it." Lisa looked smug as she took a bite into her chocolate-covered pastry and washed it down with a gulp of mocha. Sayo took a deep breath and almost rolled her eyes.

"Okay. Yes. Minato-san has been waking up from some kind of weird nightmare, that's all. I just happen to be a shallow sleeper, so I get woken too."

"Nightmares, huh?" Lisa stroked her chin thoughtfully. "Lately I've been having nightmares too."

"Ha…"

Lisa kept looking at Sayo expectantly. Sayo knew what she wanted but refused to give in. Lisa stared some more.

"Eh? You really wouldn't ask me about them?" Lisa finally said.

"If you want to talk about them, you could just do so. I am not stopping you."

"You are no fun!"

Lisa downed her coffee before speaking again. "I kept dreaming of myself on stage with the rest of you. We're playing Hidamari. The glowsticks below are a wave of red. You are all crying for my sake."

"That isn't even a nightmare! Those are memories from Ewigkeit!"

Lisa had quit Roselia after she had gotten married. She had decided to move to Nagasaki and become a stay-at-home mom "instead of taking care of you adult babies" – was what she had said back then. If this had happened in their teenage years, they would've all begged for Lisa to stay, but they were now adults and they were professionals. They understood things changed and life must go on regardless. Lisa was replaced by a younger bassist, Yukishima Kana-san, who was as diligent and enthusiastic as Ako without being quite so loud. The first year or so saw some challenges as they got used to each other's working styles, but those challenges had been overcome and the new Roselia was as congruent, if not even more so, than before.

"Anyway…" Lisa ignored Sayo's complaint. "I found out the reason I was having those nightmares." She leaned in and whispered, "I wasn't satisfied enough with the sex I was having."

Sayo blushed at what Lisa said. Why the hell were they having this conversation in a coffee shop? Or rather, why have this conversation at all!?

"Imai-san!"

"Sayo, we're twenty-six. Don't be such a prude."

"This has nothing to do with age!"

"Come on, kids these days think all we gross adults do are taxes and sex. Oh, and booking a coffin, because obviously twenty-six is sooooooooo old that we need to start planning our funeral."

"Can we stop making fun of kids when it's really just the extra vocal ones on social media?"

Lisa shrugged, digging out her phone and scrolling down until she reached something that she showed to Sayo. "Back to the topic of sex. I just bought this beauty here."

Sayo didn't want to look. This was so improper! But…but she was twenty-six so perhaps she really was overreacting. She didn't want to appear like a naïve brat or a conservative puritan, so she reluctantly took a peek at the phallic toy plastered on Lisa's screen.

"It's…It's…just a…a…" Sayo struggled to say the word. "Dildo!"

Lisa laughed. "So even Sayo knows about dildos?"

"Oh please…" Did Lisa have to treat her like a child all the time? She was only a couple months older!

"Saves me the explanation." Lisa pointed again at the screen and enlarged the photo of the…the…dildo. "Look at those bumps. They really hit the right spots when you get this thing going. And best thing about it? It vibrates."

Sayo looked away, her face cringed in embarrassment. "Please…stop."

"Okay, okay. I'm just giving a friendly suggestion here. I swear this thing changed my life. My partner is well-meaning, but like…not exactly good in bed? With this, I squirted four times the first night. Out like a light after that. Best sleep in my life. Nightmares? Who's that?"

Sayo returned her gaze to Lisa, turning it to a glare. "Are you trying to imply that I am…am…bad in…in…bed!?"

"Hey, you keep calling Yukina 'Minato-san' after living together for what…seven years? If my partner calls me by surname – and with a polite suffix too! – that would be such a turn-off. I'm not having sex with my high school teacher."

"It's a habit!" Sayo retorted, super offended that she had been compared to her high school teachers, most of whom were wrinkled, balding men with personalities bland as white rice.

"Habits are the worst things to happen in sex. It ain't a chore. Unless if you're talking about lube. Lube is good stuff that you should use every time. Don't tell me you're still relying on your natural juices, because that's some beginner-level mistake-"

"I said…" Sayo cut her off so loudly that some of the other patrons turned around to look at them. Lisa smiled awkwardly as though apologizing for Sayo – whose fault was this, really!?

"I will shut up. I promise. I'll just buy you this vibrator-"

"Imai-san!"

"Done! Shipping in two days." Lisa tapped on her phone, then put it down. "No more talk of this, right? Got it. Let's get another coffee."

Sayo was not going to listen to Lisa.

But night after night Yukina was waking up screaming about penguins. Sayo also heard her groan in French. French!? Was Yukina dreaming of a gorgeous French lover because Sayo was too boring? Was Sayo really like a…a…highschool teacher?

Unbeknownst to anyone but Sayo, she too had been having strange dreams lately.

They weren't nightmares, per se. Just weird. In those dreams she was a cover model, doing photoshoots in all sorts of colourful, sometimes downright wacky, clothes. Glamourous. It was very much unlike Sayo, but the only thing that really bothered her was that in those dreams, she was…short? She'd be sporting high heels and she'd still be shorter than Yukina. But despite the deflated height, she had an inflated confidence. She'd be trolling her coworkers and bosses alike, in a voice that had a permanent mischievous lilt. Dream Sayo was teasing, funny, oh-so-interesting. Was this Sayo's internal defence mechanisms switching on? Scared of being ditched for being a boring lover, her brain was giving her ideas for how to break out of her dreary shell?

The vibrator Lisa had bought them as a gift came last week. Good thing Yukina wasn't home when it arrived. Sayo wouldn't know how to explain this! She had buried the package at the very bottom of their dresser. Well, she had contemplated burning it, but a small, small part of her worried that it might come in handy eventually. After another night of Yukina dreaming of penguins – and it had been a sex night too, which ended, foreplay and all, in less than five minutes – Sayo was getting concerned. She really had to do something about this. Was it really the lube? Or should she take some French lessons?

She did both, along with ordering an oversized black sweatshirt from Gek*rock, a pair of fishnets, and a sassy silver wig. This was ridiculous, but maybe after all the years of seriousness, this was what Yukina yearned for. Sayo had to give it a shot. She dressed in this outlandish outfit, lube in one hand, the phallic vibrator in another, and perched herself on the sofa waiting for Yukina to come home. When she did, Yukina just stared – her handbag slipped from her fingers and fell limply onto the ground.

"Who are you?"

Sayo was sweating. She was that nervous. But she forced her dream persona out and donned a wide, almost chiding smile in response to Yukina's awestricken question.

"It's HikaSayo. You don't recognize me?"

Yukina's eyebrow visibly twitched. "Hika…Sayo?"

Sayo stepped forward, pressing Yukina against the wall. She brushed the vibrator across Yukina's face. "Here's where you go, Naa…HikaSayo~"

"Naa…?"

"That's right, my cliff-jumping penguin."

Yukina turned red. Cliff…Cliff-jumping penguin…So all this time, Sayo had known about her embarrassing nightmares? This…couldn't be. How could she live with Sayo calling her a…a penguin!? She wanted to dig a hole in the ground and squat in it forever.

If only Sayo didn't continue her nonsensical antics. But she did, and it short-circuited Yukina's brain to turn her embarrassment to sheer shock.

"Voulez vous coucher avec moi?" Sayo said, then licked the dildo!

Yukina couldn't reconcile this with all her previous knowledge of her girlfriend. She fainted on the spot.

"Mi…Minato-san? Are you alright? Don't scare me like that. Should…Should I take you to the hospital?"

Yukina sure was out like a light. At least she no longer dreamed of penguins.