"Do you know what victims of child sexual abuse tend to do when they get older?" Leonard asked quietly, eyes not lifting from the PADD in his hands.

"What?" Jim was as tense as a pulled rubber band.

"They either become completely repulsed by sex... or become hypersexual in an attempt to cope."

It's like Jim had swallowed an ice cube. He knows.

On Tarsus IV, after the food shortages started, there was only one unchangeable rule. Do what it takes to survive.

It's hard at first, because Jimmy has to do a lot of things he thought he couldn't. But along the way, Jimmy somehow became JT, and it became easier. JT doesn't hesitate to shove his knife in a soldier's neck, ignore the gurgle as he died. Steal his weapon, and use it to protect the little children he's found throughout the way and keep them alive. They're his kids, after a while, and he steals and gambles and even kills for them. He's the oldest, and has the guts to do what must be done. But one day he's finally overwhelmed by guards and brought in front of Kodos, the man he'd cursed the name of, and Kodos just smiles.

"James Kirk, is it? I could have you executed right now, but you could be… of use. Do you want to make a deal?"

He says yes, and from then on his day to day becomes even more of a living hell.

Is survival really worth it? He thinks, numbly, as Kodos' smooth hands push his thighs farther apart. No, not for him, but then again he's not just doing this for himself. For my kids, he repeats as a mantra, trying to block out everything else. It doesn't work, as a choked sob leaves his lips when something he doesn't want to think about runs down his legs.

"That's it, James," Kodos soothes. "Such a good boy for me."

JT feels like throwing up. Luckily, he manages to wait until after he leaves Kodos' palace. He's a toy, a pet. Kodos' toys don't do anything except please him. The whip scars on his back (covering up the belt scars that were there before) prickle in reminder. Doing something gross is a good way to get punished, and it isn't good for himself either, because he isn't going to even eat the food he received for this, it all goes to his kids.

Every day, his ribs protrude a little more, his cheeks are more gaunt, and the bruises on his thighs and hips increase. He made a deal with Kodos, said yes, and it's killing him faster than the starvation ever could. But his kids are alive.

You chose this. It's your fault, so suck up and deal with it.

Once he's finished throwing up bile, he limps back to his kids with food and a smile. They make him eat, a little, but he only agrees because he needs to live to take care of them.

His kids are alive.

"I top," Jim tells the man entering his apartment, like he does to everyone he brings home. The other nods, and Jim feels the tension leave his shoulders. Good. He's in control. Good.

People gossip that Jim Kirk never bottoms, is too prideful, insecure. An egotistical asshole that flirts like it's breathing; has slept with half of the academy (which even the most vocal of said gossipers agree is likely hyperbole), is a sexual deviant, can't get enough.

They're right about one thing. He can't get enough.

Bones never asks, never judges, just grumbles at him to take a shower when he stinks too badly of sex. Jim always laughs and obliges, with a grin far too wide to be real. Sometimes, he almost asks if Bones wants to join him, get a bite of something he gives indiscriminately.

But James T. Kirk isn't made for anything more than one night stands, and it'd be far too easy to slip into something more with Leonard H. McCoy, a man he loves like a brother and maybe something more, but it's for the best this way. Besides, Bones deserved more than Jim could ever give him.

He'd be disgusted if he knew-

JT can't pinpoint the moment everything gets worse, but it somehow happens slowly and all at once.

Kodos grabs him like Frank used to, roughly, and hard enough to bruise. The praise remains, and while the very early days it would've made him straighten his spine in pride, now his hands shake. Now, getting fucked isn't for food anymore, it's for the right to survive.

"I could've killed you, James. You could've been sacrificed with the others so the better half could survive. This is the least you owe me."

JT allows Kodos to do as he pleases with him, and Kodos' soldiers leave his kids alone. JT is still responsible for protecting them from others and finding them food and everything else they'd need, but it's one problem removed.

It's not enough, because he's already buried enough small bodies that it starts feeling numb now. Sometimes it's sickness, sometimes it's injury, but most of the time it's from starvation. He's not enough, he'll never be enough, and he'll rot in hell when Tarsus IV finally decides to take the last thing it hasn't not yet ripped from him, and he'll finally be allowed to die. But for now, he's got to take care of the last half, the last twelve. Doing what Kodos demands is all he can do to assure that, and he deserves it, for all the ones he let die. And it isn't like JT can decline anyway. Even at twelve, he doesn't go back on an agreement. Kodos changes the contract but his half stays the same. Sex, for something he needs. That's all JT needs to know.

Of course, every time that JT gets used to what his life has become, Kodos flips the world on its head.

"You're staying now, James." And the doors lock, and JT is filled with a righteous anger he didn't think he was capable of feeling anymore. He fucking hates the room he isn't allowed to leave, hates this house, wants it to burn like the anger deep in his angry stomach. He becomes what Kodos declares 'difficult', and the sex increases, but the rest is pain.

He's long ago stopped feeling hunger pangs, so that stops being a punishment. When he tries to escape for the fourth time, Kodos chains him outside and has him whipped again, and again, and JT loses count of how many times after a while. But nothing hurts like the pain inside, knowing his kids are alone and there's nothing JT can do about it. After leaving him to bake with a bloody back for a few days, he's brought back inside and hosed down and Kodos fucks him again.

He can't regret the life he's chosen, but he can sure as hell hate it, hate himself for saying yes.

He hates himself more than anything.

"Truth."

It's a stupid game, truth or dare. But it's something to do in the wee hours of the morning, and Jim's never been too smart with a beer in his hand.

"When did you lose your virginity?" The girl is all eyelashes and sweet smiles, but Jim's always known there was something spicy beneath. The question is her way of flirting. But what she doesn't know is the question makes Jim's blood run cold and the answer is something no one wants to hear. He's sober in an instant.

Twelve, but don't feel bad for me because I said yes. It was my decision.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" he purrs with a wink. She starts to protest that isn't a real answer but he pulls her up to dance to nonexistent music, and she laughs and forgets they were even playing a game. But it isn't her he tastes when she pulls him in for a kiss.

She is probably offended when he makes a half assed excuse and leaves, but he doesn't care because he spends the next two hours puking his guts out in the toilet, and furiously brushing his teeth when he isn't, trying to forget.

It was his decision, yes, yet every time he thinks about he feels sick.

JT is thirteen now, he thinks, but he doesn't have long to celebrate. After all, he doesn't know how long it's been since Kodos left him chained outside to die. At this point, though, he knows Kodos is sick of him and didn't even have enough fondness left to give him a quick death.

He's sunburned to hell and doesn't even have the strength to move anymore. Laying on the ground, held up only by his chained, bloody wrists and waiting for death, he wonders if this is how his kids felt. Were they scared, terrified? Angry? All JT can feel is acceptance, numbness now. The only thing he regrets is he didn't die saving them. Instead of a sacrifice worthy of them, he dies like he lived- Kodos' now broken toy.

Darkness creeps from the edges of his vision, and this time, he knows once he closes his eyes it's unlikely they'll ever open again. That's okay, he's decided. He's done. Jimmy never believed in no-win scenarios, but this is JT, who knows better. This is JT, who has had corpse stench buried so deep in his nostrils he had forgotten what it was like for it not to be there. This is JT, who saw a two year old reduced to a bloody mess in front of his eyes while he reached for her. This is JT, who doesn't care anymore.

A wave of calm washes over him, and his eyes finally close.

When they open, he's in a medical bed and he doesn't answer to Jimmy, and flinches at 'James'. He's not JT anymore, can't be Jimmy anymore, doesn't want to ever be James, but what does that leave? Kodos and Tarsus IV have burned, and he can't help but feel he had died along with everything (everyone) else.

When he finally has the strength to walk out of the hospital months later, he's Jim Kirk.

(He buries JT so far inside no one knows he exists anymore, and tries to forget James exists.)

"Why do you have a three year gap in your medical history?" Bones asks, his usual frown deepening. Jim can't tell if it's annoyance or worry, but he knew something would happen once he agreed to let Bones be his primary care doctor in Starfleet ("Who else could put up with your bullshit?"). However, he thought he'd have more time before Bones read through everything.

"Dunno," Jim replied with a false smile, but Bones wasn't even looking at him. "Maybe nothing happened. Contrary to popular belief, I can stay out of trouble, Bones."

"Dammit, Jim. We both know that's not it." The doctor's brow furrows, but he doesn't push after that. Jim relaxes. That's the good thing about Leonard. He could be damn stubborn, but he usually knew when to stop questioning him.

Jim should've known that didn't mean he wouldn't stop digging.

(The last thing JT ever did before he became Jim Kirk was hack into his own medical records and delete everything he could. No one would ever know he was on Tarsus IV, nor read the doctor's too accurate conclusions.)

It's been a year since Tarsus, and the nightmares haven't stopped.

He used to wake up screaming and sobbing, but Jim's learned to stay quiet now. Frank beat him with his belt last time he was too loud and woke him up. The belt has nothing on Kodos' whip, but it isn't sunshine and rainbows, and despite that Jim's very purpose in life seems to be making himself as much as a nuisance as possible, there is no pleasure in making Frank mad when it's because of something he can't control. Mom's on another year mission again, too, and Frank never holds back when she's gone. Not that she's ever stayed long enough to make a difference.

Sometimes he wakes up and thinks he's JT, and it takes hours to push JT down and become Jim again. But he can do it, and that's all that matters. The eight of JT's kids that survived don't need him anymore, and no one else understands or tries. But in times of fear, nightmares, he forgets that. Today's not one of those days, but..

Right now, he wants to forget everything.

It was early, but late enough that the sun had risen. Alex Nelson from his math class, who lived on his street was probably awake, right? Alex was always down for a good fuck. Anything, to make that shame buried deep in his chest to disappear.

"Oh James!" screams the man beneath him and Jim freezes mid thrust, his heartbeat accelerating in his chest. No, no no no-

"It's Jim," he corrects gently, firmly, but he's not really in the mood anymore, and leaves soon after. He doesn't care for the lingering hands on his neck and arms, begging him to stay. It doesn't matter anymore.

That night, his hands curl over his ears and he doesn't sleep, just tries to push down the memories until the sun finally rises.

Never forget, James, you belong to me.

Little Tommy of the Tarsus 9 was Thomas Leighton now, and was sure Kodos was alive. If Jim hadn't long ago perfected his facade, he would have shown some form of weakness at the suggestion. But as it was, he froze for just a moment. That moment was Thomas needed. Of course, he'd always known exactly what to say to get under his skin, but now he had the confidence to say it.

"Jim, I know you're content for the past to stay in the past, but have you forgotten what he did to you-"

Jim's resolve nearly cracked, but as it was, his jaw merely clenched. He was thankful he had gone alone to meet with an 'old friend'. This was not how he wanted any of his crew to see him.

"That was uncalled for, Tom," he calmly replied, like those words had not just pierced his soul.

"Maybe so," Thomas replied, deflating. "But I'm not wrong… JT."

Somehow, that name hurt even worse. Jim closed his mouth, his disapproval of that clear by the heavy silence in the air.

"Please, Jim," Thomas begs. "You know his face, his voice, better than any of us. Come to the performance with me. I'll let it go if you don't think it's Kodos."

Jim frowned at him "I shouldn't, with how you just tried to manipulate me, but… if it is Kodos, I…"

And he does what they both knew he'd do at the very start. He agrees. JT may not exist any longer, but he still protects those he did so long ago.

Jim has been nursing this crush on Leonard McCoy for years at this point, so no one was more shocked than himself when he finds himself staring at his Vulcan First Officer for longer than appropriate, smiles coming more freely than he ever expected. He can't help it, with that dry wit and slender frame, and god, his face-

He loves them both in all the soft, gentle ways he's only heard about in stories, and it scares him.

It's all just a reminder of what he cannot have. Besides, why would Spock want him of all people? He's seen how the rest of the crew look at him; Spock could have his pick if he wanted. He knew Bones cared about him, had to with how he'd always dragged him back from the brink of death, but he knew more than anyone Jim wasn't boyfriend material. Besides, he can't just assume either of them swing that way anyway. Even if they decided he was something worth loving, they'd change their mind. If not because of his personality, his problems would surely drive either away.

Sitting in his captain's chair, it's more clear than ever that they deserve better than him, no matter what his heart claims.

The moment Jim sees that face, his mind stutters and suddenly he isn't 30 year old something Captain Jim T. Kirk. He's little twelve year old JT again, bleeding and hurting and terrified.

In another life, maybe he wouldn't be sure. Maybe some doubt, if that face didn't haunt his nightmares. But things are the way they are, and he isn't allowed the comfort of uncertainty. He's unbalanced in a way he hasn't been in twenty years, and it isn't until Thomas elbows him in the side that he realizes he hasn't been breathing.

"Yes," he agrees quietly. "It is him." By the look on Thomas' face, being right doesn't take as sweet as he expected.

"What are you going to do about it?" About him, he means.

"I don't know," Jim replies, eyes closing. It doesn't help. The past burns beneath his eyelids, anyway.

(He's been running from his past for years, in sex and adrenaline and starships, and it never works. But he never stops trying. He can't.)