Hello everyone!

Here I am with a new fic, not planned at all, but my brain couldn't ignore it, so here it is!

It'll be a multichap, don't know how many yet...

I really hope you'll enjoy it :)

Please let me know your thoughts through a review, they're always welcomed!

Also, before letting you go, I want to thank my beta, Wika, for her awesome work. She's the best i could ask for!

Good reading

- Fran.

The Car:

"I'm sorry Harvey, I just had to know". And, without a look back she leaves.

He stands here alone, unable to move, still under the shock of her gesture. He doesn't understand it. Not one bit. Donna is a very reasoned person. She doesn't do in the spontaneous, and he doubts she planned what just happened in her office, late at night. She kissed him. She did it. 'I just had to know'. What does that even mean? What does she need to know that requires her lips smashing his in the most tender and sweet and soft way there is? Does it mean she doubts too? Does it mean she finally is ready to wave that stupid rule of her, for him?

Oh god he hates her. He is with Paula; she knows it and she kissed him nonetheless. She knows how he feels about infidelity, she knows his wounds, the deeper ones, the ones in the darkness of his being, the ones he hides from the rest of the world.

And yet, she turned him into a cheater. She, of all people, turned him into the one thing he does ever want to be, an unfaithful man. So, he is mad at her.

Still, if he looks the truth in the eye, he knows he hates her more because he wanted that. The kiss. He dreamt about it more than he should have, and when she finally did, he kissed her back. Of course, he kissed her back! Because he liked – loved – it.

Because her arms around his neck is the closest thing to heaven he experienced.

Because it feels right.

Because, if she hadn't broken her embrace, his hands would be moving towards her most private parts at this very instant and he would enjoy every second of it.

He hates her because he craves for her touch every moment of every day. Sometimes she would look at him that way too and his hopes would raise once again. That little 'perhaps' in his head he manages to shout down time to time, cruelly wronging him when he is persuaded, he has moved on. He still fantasises about her, using every memory from the other time. Damn her, and her witty remarks making his head spin and his heart melt.

He has a girlfriend goddamnit! But no, all he can think about is her. And because he can't love her that way, the only possibility he has, is to hate her that way.

A Donna morning coffee on his desk and he punches her. A teasing look and he kicks her in the knees. A drink late in the office and he throws her across the room. A very cleavaged dress and his right elbow meets her stomach. She eats strawberries in front of him and he slowly removes her guts outside of her body. An 'I'm Donna' and he murders her, burying her in the woods with his feelings.

All just pain and suffering. It is his little private game. A game he always wins over her. If he can't win love, he will win hate.

A kiss and he kiss her back…

It is time to admit he is losing. Every victory he had over her doesn't count anymore. He is losing the war. And she is the enemy. A good fighter must hate the enemy.

The irony being his hatred for her makes him love her more.

Her smile when she greets him, her eyes when he catches her gazing him. Her perfume invading all the space when she walks into a room. The sound of her heels when she steps towards his office. Her voice when she calls him. He would give anything to hear her moan his name once again. Her irresistible laugh. And those freckles. She wears them like an ornament, forming roads and bridges all over her body. He wants to know every pattern of it. He wants to draw them all with his hand, slowly caressing her, as she lies naked in his bed.

Her lips are exactly what he remembers them to be. Sweet, soft, delicate and smooth. And hint of vanilla in her lipstick makes him lick his own. There was a tongue touch. He initiated it, not really sure if it was purely intentional, or because he dreamt of it too many times his brain memorised 'kissing Donna = tongues'. She let him in, and he smiles at this thought. She caught it between her teeth, just for a second, and his blood went south right away as the move surprised him. He hopes she didn't feel him, because he doesn't want her to know how hard she makes him feel in record time.

It takes a minute for him to realise he is picturing her, ass on her desk and legs apart, her dress high on her thighs. His groin, taking all the space in his boxers, only reminder of his loneliness. In a desperate attempt to get himself back together, he gathers is thoughts and tries to decide what to do next. Where to go from there? He knows the place they are is not one to last. They may have crossed the 'best friend' line, he still doesn't have a clue to where they are. It doesn't take a genius to figure out they are not safe in this position though. And he needs to know where to stand, because he doesn't want to lose her.

Maybe he already has. And the kiss is her way to say 'goodbye'. No, it can't be it, it doesn't look like something Donna would do. Donna is a woman of words. Words are her biggest weapon. She would have spoken to him, telling him she can't do it anymore. Pretend. Act like they have a very platonic work dynamic and relationship. Feign the witty and flirty comments they make on each other are no more than just friends' tease.

She would have told him; she wouldn't have left him. Donna doesn't leave Harvey.

And yet she's gone.

He stands here in her office and she is probably ho- why would she left without her purse and coat?

Shit she is still here. He will find out tonight what all of this means.

Driven by his hunger alone, he wonders where she might be hiding. He starts with the obvious, the bathroom. Empty. File room? Deserted. Louis' office? No, she can't go seek for reassurance yonder. He walks towards it nonetheless but same as before, no signs of the redhead.

She is in a place she feels safe and secure, a place she knows she can't be hurt in. After exposing herself the way she did with the kiss, she needs comfort. Rachel's office! He takes the elevator and enter the 48th floor, walking until he reaches the new lawyer's office. A hint of disappointment on his face when he doesn't spot her there.

The hunt starting to nerve him, he has still one place to check. If he doesn't find her here, he'll be done and their little chat will have to wait. He is exhausted and playing hide and seek does not help the fatigue to fade away.

Taking the stairs this time, he climbs onto the roof. He pulls the door, eyes narrowing the area for a shadow, a shadow he never finds…

He sighs of despair. He really believed she would be here. She really doesn't want to be found. She doesn't want to be near him. He gives up then, walking towards the ledge of the roof. Eyes closed, he takes a deep breath, letting the cold air of Manhattan enters his lungs. His hands are resting on the blocks, as he starts to wonder what would have happened if he hadn't been a complete blind idiot all these years.

He clearly sees the life he missed with her. The time lost forever, too busy being afraid and acting like the cowards he claims to outpace.

All the family weekends, holidays and some other Christmases and birthday's parties. The gardened house and the dog. Children laughs filling the loving atmosphere. The simplicity of a life full of joy she would have given him. Happy times.

He eventually opens his eyes, looking down at the enter of the building. Staring the passer-by's ballet, a little laugh escapes his lips when two of them suddenly crash into each other, both their phones now on the ground and the tone of their voices raising. Stupid people.

A few minutes pass, his mind tricking him with images of the Specters that might have been, when he finally gazes a familiar hair colour. She is half hidden by the darkness of the night, her back against the building. He immediately recognises her, 50th floors apart and he still manages to do so.

He suddenly feels like a fool for ignoring this possibility. He can't believe it, amongst all the choices she has, he forgets the logical one. The exit. She wants to escape, of course she goes out of the building!

Cursing himself, his feet are already carrying him downstairs to his next stop, the elevator. He flames the slowness of the machine, the ride down seeming to last longer than a hundred years.

He finally is in the lobby when he spots her outside, resting again the glass wall of the facility, talking to herself. She seems very upset, and it is not a good sign. At all. Whenever Donna is talking to herself, out loud, troubles are on their way.

He freezes, not sure anymore. Not sure of what to say or how to act. He doesn't want to upset her, but he needs the answers she doesn't seem to want to give to him. Taking his balls in his hands, he walks across the lobby, reaches the door and meets the background noises of the city.

Taking little steps towards her, he doesn't want to scare her when he'll end her monologue. He is only 16 feet away when he calls with an oddly calm voice: "Donna".

He waits for her response, but she doesn't flinch.

"Donna please" he repeats a little louder, still walking. This time she hears him, and the reaction she has is sadly the one he feared.

She lifts her head, eyes locked on him. Taken by surprise, she quickly gets herself back together, freezing only half a second. She doesn't want to face him now. She is not ready to speak about her sudden and mostly unexpected gesture. Her body speaking for her, she finds her feet instinctively carrying her towards the building facing the firm's, walking away from him.

"Harvey now is not a good time, please leave me alone". Her tone is colder and sharper than she intends it to be, perhaps for the better. She is fast, faster than him. He gets it, she wants to run. He won't get in her way, he knows he can't drill her shell like that, not here. He only takes a few steps, leaving a noticeable distance between them. "Donna, I just want to talk to you, please, you owe me that", he tries.

Wrong words. It makes her stops on the spot. She is pissed and he feels like a moron as he sees her turning to face him, her index pointing in his direction, rage in her eyes.

"Excuse me?! How do you dare say that to me when you know you owe ME almost your entire career!" she shouts, hurt. "Without me you would have become a miserable little corrupted lawyer thinking he's on the top of the world when he really can't spot the difference between his head and his ass! I bet Gordon would have loved a little puppy to cuddle and to give to the shark to eat only to save his reputation!".

She knows she has gone too far with this, the dangerous mix between exhaustion and indignation speaking.

She is mad too, against herself. She has given up. All the victories she won over herself, smash into ashes after that one kiss. She has yield to her demons and she can't bear it. She had one job for 13 years. Keep him safe and keep him unhurt, she has to protect him from monsters, and mostly from himself. She is his guardian and he is her duty. And with one, stupid idiot act, she suddenly becomes the fallen angel, the sinner. The keeper falling in love with her protégé.

She doesn't know why she did it. Is it the results of a moment of despair? Mike's, and then Louis' speeches running down on her? 13 years of unspoken feelings?

All she knows is, regrets started showing the second after her lips parted from his. 'I needed to know'. She needs, but she doesn't want to. And now she knows, she knows for sure, she knows for real, she loves him. Not like a brother, or a cousin. She loves him like he runs her world. She loves him like he lights the sun every morning and hangs the moon every night. She loves him like the snow loves the cold, like the ocean loves the sand, like the rain loves the plants, and like the wind loves the trees.

She loves him in a way she won't ever be able to express. No words are enough. And it is scary. Oh gosh, she is scared. The fear has taken the control of her mind and body. She is defensive, because she feels attacked. By her own feelings. And by him. His own presence now makes her feel uncomfortable. She wants to run, run so far away from him. If she does so, she won't ever have to feel like that again. She won't ever have to face him and pretend there is nothing more. Pretend there is no that way. Pretend she isn't picturing him naked when he stands in his office, looking at the skyline, a glass of Macallan in his hand. His hand, running all over her. Capturing her breast, then running down her ribs, to go grab her ass and finally make their ways to her pussy.

For all the restrictive rules she has imposed to herself over the years – because no, she doesn't have just one for him -. In the name of all the self-control she has kept. She is furious, enraged, frenzied at herself. So, no. Now is not a good time for a talk at all Harvey.

Her love, the other time, the non-other times, her rules, her loneliness, her sorrows, her hopes, her forgetting herself… The list is long, but all the topics have one common denominator: Harvey Specter.

She puts it all on him. It is all on him. It is all his fault.

She turns her back on him, leaving a speechless Harvey, more than surprised twice by the same woman the same night. He surely isn't prepared for anything that harsh – and true – coming from her. He sees her walking again but she doesn't see the car, blinded with anger.

All that comes after is only blurry and foggy. She remembers putting her hand on the bonnet, like it would stop the vehicle. She remembers feeling her left knee being hit by something cold. Then she doesn't touch the ground anymore, her head spinning and spinning. It never stops. She tries to move it, but she can't. Her chin is forced onto her chest, she only sees unmoving shadows, standing still. She hears only her breath. No klaxons noises, vrooming engines, shouts or any king of civilian racket to disturb her. Her loud and irregular breath invading her ears. Her legs are being burdened in every direction they can, as same as her arms. She has lost all control over her body, over her life. Times stops at this very moment, and she is afraid it might stop forever for her.

Ultimately, the back of her skull hits the mirror of the car, putting an end to her flight. She falls back roughly on the ground, a broken sound coming with it. The last thing she remembers before closing her eyes is the distant scream of her name. As her eyelids finally close themselves, she can rest.

.

.

One month later – Mount Sinai Hospital.

He is sitting quietly in the room, a concerned look on his face as he runs through some files he brought from the office, a pain in his lower back warning him he must be sitting here for quite some time. It has been a month or so since he began to spend all of his days enclosed here, and the armchair hasn't become comfier.

He takes a look at his watch, 07:00 PM. Perfect time to go grab something to eat, his work not being as good as usual, the fatigue taking over. He might even run into Richie, a distraction he won't say no to.

Richie is a middle-aged guy, quite extrovert, too much even. Harvey didn't really like him, but one day they were both looking for some coffee, and a word entailing another, they now sit for hours listening to what the other has to say. He had quite a life, that man. He is here for his teen girl. Widowed, the mother's child died in a plane crash four years ago. And, as fate wasn't done toying with them, they diagnose the girl a pancreas cancer. In six months, Richie will have lost everything. In some way, Harvey feels lucky because he still has hope to hold on to.

They understand what the other is going through, and the lawyer admits it, it feels good. Of course, he is helped by Mike and Rachel, and Donna's parents as well, but spending entire days at a hospital is a complete another way of life he is now sharing with Richie.

The principal hobby here is waiting. Hospitals teach you patience, you can't take that from them. You wait so much you lost any track of time.

A new routine slowly replacing the one he had for years. He only drops by his flat twice a week, to wash his clothes. The rest of the week he is with her. Not being her husband or direct related family – only by the law – he isn't supposed to sleep in her room or even be here all day, but he lawyered his way near her, the impossible thought of leaving her making him want to throw up. He, of course, buries himself in work, a classic Harvey Specter reaction.

His perfect gentleman looks slowly fading away as the weeks go by. He leaves his perfect tuxedos, expensive shoes and other watches home. He is now a sweater and sneakers guy, a beard showing.

Only a month and his whole life changed. As expected, Paula was out of the picture two days after Donna's accident. He is now a single man waiting for the love of his life to wake up from her coma. He didn't have the chance to tell her and maybe she won't ever hear him says the words. She has to wake up, she needs to hear them. She deserves to hear him say it to her face.

The guilt of her current state taking too much space, he won't ever forgive himself for what happened if she doesn't wake up. And even if she does, he is not sure he ever will.

Arriving in the lunch space, he doesn't see Richie sitting on their favourite table. Too bad. He only buys a take-away meal – bagel, muffin and coffee – he can eat in her room, not in the mood to talk to anyone else.

He is back with her 10 minutes after, returning to his chair and looking outside of the window. The sun is gone, letting the darkness of the night swallowed the sky. He stares at the skyline for a minute, taking a small time to breath out and finally relax a little.

He opens his bag, picks the bagel and starts eating it. His eyes still outside, he doesn't see her move her head. Her gasp is the sound bringing his eyes back on her. He first thinks he is dreaming; she can't have utter sounds, that is not possible.

He takes another bit in his bagel, only this time he sees the head move and the mouth opening to let out a pain growl. The bagel is on the floor when he comes sit on her bed, his hands wrapping hers.

He dares ask: "Donna… hey" a genuine smile on the face. She still has her eyes closed but she tries to move her legs and shoulders, as if she is dreaming.

He tries again: "Donna, it's Harvey. You're okay" he whispers, "You can open your eyes, you're okay, you're safe". He murmurs.

And she does it, she opens her eyes. Slowly, giving time to her pupils to adjust to the light. It takes her a few minutes to fully see the blurred form sitting next to her.

And when she finally sees him, she is intimidated, scared even. But he says she is okay, and for some reason, she decides to trust him. She overviews the room she is in. A hospital, she is in a hospital. How did she get here, she has no ideas. She brings her hand to her head, breaking Harvey's embrace. He let her go, grabbing the button and pressing it, informing the nurses she is awake.

She has a strange look in the eye, not the look he is used to have from her. She looks at him like he is a stranger.

She wants to speak, but she still has a tube in her throat, he tells her to wait for the nurse. And again, she trusts him and wait.

The nurse arrives in the room a few moments later, removing the tube and checking whatever she has to, to make sure Donna is okay. Neither Harvey nor Donna speak during that time. One still under the shock of her awaken, the other too lost to do so.

She must be a new nurse, because when she leaves the room, she greats them with "Donna you are fine, the doctor will come very soon to make other tests and check on you. For now, try not to move or speak to much. Right then, I give you too a moment, Mr and Mrs Specter".

Mrs Specter. Harvey smiles at the thought and he doesn't correct her.

Her voice is low and hoarse, but she manages to asks shyly and almost ashamed, a frightened look on her face: "I'm… we're, are we… are we married?!"

He laughs, thinking she is joking he is still looking at the door when he answers, "No, no we are not, but I spend my days here with you, she surely is a new employee and jumps into conclusions too fast".

"Oh okay… well then, may I ask you… Who are you?!" she muffles, confused.

We've reached the end of chap 1!

hope you enjoyed the premise !

Don't forget to review :)

- Fran ( newdarlin)