A/N: SEVEN THOUSAND WORDS FOR YOU ALL!

(EDIT) So as of this...this is getting no support. At all.

Nearly no reviews. After I slaved away on this. That hurts. Really. Hurts T_T

Could someone review A Most Unlikely Shielder? Its so close to one hundred and so is A Most Unlikely Archer...

(EDIT!) Rangle, if you're going to bash me and then block your Private Messages, how am I supposed to answer you? How is anyone going to respond to you, for that matter?

Now, then! Happy Fourth of July to those who celebrated it?

Alas, my VACATION amounted to having that day off. That's it. That's all I got. Long story short? I had...words with my boss. Loud words. Strong words. Among other things. I'm a bit nettled about it coming to that, but they finally got the message when I threatened to quit over it. I'm also writing this from my phone, so I do apologize for any errors. Company relies on me too damn much by half, I swear...

HOWEVER!

I will be having another vacation later in August and that shit's already set; lock, stock, and barrel. Good luck taking that from me~!

Which is good, because I'm ready to cry at this point.

Now then, someone just HAD to point out that I neglected the Black Faction for a Master!Naruto. If you recall, I DID mention in "A Most Unlikely Collection" that there was another Gunner lurking about that we hadn't seen yet. One that Beast hasn't gotten to.

I'll say it right now, there will be a Master!Naruto on the Moon. BUT ONLY ONE! I mean, I don't think there should more than that, y'know?

That way we can round this off with five separate Master!Naruto's of sorts, though each could easily be a Servant if summoned.

Now, then? Are you prepared? For a Grail War unlike any I've yet written?

HERE THAR BE MONSTERS!

As ever, this will be gone in two days if folks don't like it.

...I sincerely hope with all my heart and soul that you like it.

I mean, it has the two BEST-in my humble opinion-heroines in this one. What's not to like?

It just goes to show how a simple event can change one's life.

But it doesn't break us, not if we refuse to let it do so.

With that, I proudly present (True) Gunner.

And one hell of a twist.

"Legends never die, kid.

In the end, they change hands.

The world keeps on spinning, and people keep walking."

~?

A Most Unlikely Gunner (True)

When I was a boy, someone tried to kill me.

I don't remember much about that day; after all, I was only eight years old. You get distracted by all sort of things when you're that age. Words make sense, you don't truly understand the consequences behind them. Not really. Even now, its all a blur to me. Ironic, given that event changed the course of my life forever. At that age, I really only focused on the old man. He was the one who took me out of that awful orphanage. He gave me a place to live, and money to live ON. It may not seem like much to you, but for a child who scarcely knew any affection, that's everything. Unfortunately, it also made me vulnerable.

What little I can recall of that night-of my attacker-consists of scattered sights and sounds:

I remember a shadow standing above me. I remember a knife.

A sharp flash of pain, followed by a scream.

And he died; because I'd killed him.

With my bare hands.

Suppose you could call it more an act of instinct on my part than any real intention to kill, a little boy unwittingly drawing on the chakra of something far greater than himself in a single moment of blind panic. I didn't want to die. I wanted to live. So I attacked. I saw the knife, felt slash cut across my face to scar my cheek. And I buried a crimson claw in his ribs for it.

It was my first kill; it would not be my last.

That was the moment my world changed; until that moment I'd been blissfully naive of my blight. Of what I was. Who I was. I was the son of the Yellow Flash. Heir of the Yondaime Hokage. Container of the Kyuubi. It was something of a miracle that the Third managed to stave off the attempts on my life for that long already. Not anymore. Not after that.

I remember the silence that followed as I sat there with his corpse; frozen with shock, sick with fear. I remember the shouting when an Anbu discovered us. I remember a man with long white hair wrapping me in a warm blanket before scooping me up in his arms and carrying me out of the apartment. We never went back.

I remember the shouting that followed when he took me to the Hokage.

I'd been targeted by an assassin, or so I would later learn. A shinobi from Iwa, not some drunken civilian as I would be initially led to believe as a boy. I don't begrudge them the lie; my identity as the Yondaime's son was compromised somehow. Someone had leaked vital information. Killers would come for me in droves now. They needed to get me out of there as soon as possible.

And so I was taken away; spirited away out of the village before I even truly understood what was happening.

Remedial training they called it. A field trip.

Hrmmph.

Even then I knew what was going on.

Strict radio silence, little-to-no communication allowed.

It wasn't safe for me in Konoha, not anymore. I wasn't strong enough to protect myself. So they had to make me strong. But an eight-year-old doesn't become superhuman overnight. It was a long, grueling process, one that nearly took a decade. I was raised by the beast. Trained by the best. At first it was mostly Jiraiya, taking me places, teaching me the odd jutsu or two. Then came Kakashi, when it became apparent that he wouldn't be able to teach me everything I needed to know on my own. Even the great Tsunade showed me a thing or two, down the road.

My "childhood" consisted of being chaperoned by a pervert, a SUPER pervert and the queen of gambling herself. What? I never said she was any good. Only that she liked to bet.

Honestly its a miracle I turned out even remotely sane under their guidance, and with only a few quirks at that. I wouldn't call them parents. Teachers, certainly. But not parents. They taught me, warned me against right and wrong, but they never quite got around to properly raising me. Kakashi was still broken up over losing his teammates and dad. Jiraiya and Tsunade...well. Perversion and drink can sometimes hold ones demons at bay better than most, but they can never truly bury them.

But they were all I had.

They gave me their attention.

So trained and I learned, and I fought.

Every day consisted of more of the same, I had jutsu hammered into me until I could barely walk; until I could hammer them back just as hard. Earth. Fire. Wind. Water. Lightning. My affinity was among the former, but they taught me all they knew. Kakashi-when he could be spared from the village-knew a lot. More than I'd ever thought possible. Jiraiya showed me the secrets of being a Sage. And Tsunade-after a long talk and a bad bet-finally got around to teaching me some semblance of her strength technique after she crawled out of her bottle.

I didn't return to the village until I was nearly seventeen.

By then it was a different world...and not necessarily a better one.

The village had been assaulted by Orochimaru I was gone, and while the old man managed to successfully survive, to fight off their attacks, there had been casualties. Of course there were casualties; this was war, and war never changes.

Nor were those the only changes I found waiting for me.

Sasuke had defected from the village at some point during my absence; betrayed the Leaf to seek power with Orochimaru during the Chunin Exams.I barely remembered the boy from the Academy. I felt nothing for him beyond a vague sense of anger. Other familiar faces had fallen, others had lived. Some even recognized me. My hair was a bit longer, and I resembled Dad more, I suppose. Didn't stick out like a sore thumb anymore, at that. I'd given up on my old colors and gone for the standard shinobi attire instead, mottled dark greens and black over the traditional orange and blue.

I made it all of three steps into the Hokage's office before the old geezer-really old now-flung a headband and a flak jacket at me.

There were more words, pats on the back, people clapping me on the shoulders, that sort of thing.

Only a few minutes back, and I was already being pressed into active service.

We were at war, I realized. If not, we would soon be in one.

I smiled for them, but I didn't feel it. Not really.

I should've been honored. I'd gone straight from an academy student straight to a Chunin. I didn't even get to BE a genin. Tsunade and Jiraiya had recommended me, apparently. Kakashi even put a good word in for me. That lazy bastard. Can you believe it? I should've been overjoyed. The boy I'd been WOULD have been jumping for joy. Instead I only felt...resigned? I'd lived up to everyone's expectations over nearly a decade, and now I had to live up to this. What did Shikamaru call it? Troublesome.

I want to tell you it was peaceful after that, and for awhile, it was.

But in those quiet weeks I suffered something of a crisis.

A conflict, if you will.

I'd hit a wall.

To my dismay, I didn't know what to do with peace. I'd spent all this time, all this training, preparing, with no definite goal in mind. I had to be strong. I had to protect myself. Until, quite suddenly, I found I didn't need to be protected. I was home now.

Before I realized it, nothing short of an S-Rank shinobi could hurt me.

There was always room for improvement of course, more training, but there it was. The question.

What now? What did I want to do with the rest of my life? What was my goal at the end of all this? Did I even have one?

I'd learned every manner of jutsu I could get my hands on. Elemental. Taijutsu. Sealing. I'd signed a contract with the Toads and learned all their secrets. Even pestered Guy about the Eight Gates when someone let that slip slip. He didn't reach me it of course, but he did give me a hint, and years down the line, I would eventually use that hint to do what he and Lee had.

Which brought me back to my main problem, for all my accomplishments, I felt...empty.

What was I here for? Why did I want to be a shinobi? Moreover, what purpose did it serve? Why had I spent all those years in seclusion if not for this? At first there had been the initial and ever-present dream to become Hokage myself, but that naive wish had been well and truly quashed by the harsh reality of the world. When you were Hokage you had to be responsible, you had to make hard decisions, YOU had to protect your people. There was nothing dreamy about it. All I saw was a relentless, thankless job full of paperwork.

So. What. Did. I. Want?

I agonized over it during those long days.

Until someone approached me in the following week.

Now, HER, I remembered all too well, if only because she'd simply made herself impossible to forget. She'd always been a loud girl, even back then. Noisy. Nosy. Always butting into everyone's business, always gossiping, never afraid to speak her mind, despite the scorn it might earn her. Bright blue eyes and brighter hair, more than mine. She'd fawned over Sasuke like the rest of our class. All the girls had. But Sasuke was long gone and she'd grown up in his absence.

Then again, so had I.

Now I know what you're thinking; Ino didn't make an terribly overt moves when I bumped into her in the market. Our encounter wasn't destined, there were no sparks, no love at first sight, none of that. She just...looked at me. She was surprised at first-they always are-but then that shock turned into curiosity and I knew, I just knew she wasn't going to leave me alone. I had absolutely no say in the matter. She recognized me, she knew me-just as she knew something was wrong with me-and for some reason or other, she made it her mission to look after me.

I recognized that glint in her eye.

That look.

Do you have any idea what its like to have someone look at you?

Really, truly look at you?

Not as a ward, or someone to be protected, but as an actual person? Why I tolerated her? Was that why let her stay? Why I let her drag me around the village? In time, I might've felt something for her. Maybe? I'm not sure. There was...something there. A spark. She filled the void I'd unknowing created in myself, talked when I couldn't find the words, prodded me when I would have otherwise remained silent. Was it love, or just lust? I never had the chance to find out. There was never enough time.

Konoha came under siege again.

Pain flattened the village.

And Kakashi died.

I lost my left eye and Kakashi gave me his in his last moments. A final "graduation gift" he called it. I remember him laughing, choking out his last breath as he bled out. I think Ino helped Tsunade transplant it, but I can't quite remember. There was too much going on. I understand why he did it. He was dying. I was half blind. Someone had to stop Pain. I was the best chance. By that time my chakra reserves were damn-near inhuman, so I scarcely felt the drain. But I did feel the pain. It drove me. Spurred me. For the first time in my life I lost someone. That hurt. That meant something.

There were many battles after that. I fought them all. I won them all, somehow.

I eradicated the first threat, this so-called "Pain" in a blazing tornado of unholy wildfire. And in doing so, I unknowingly damned half the village. Without the Rinnegan, the dead couldn't be brought back to life.

I suffocated the Akatsuki, choked the very air from their lungs. It doesn't matter how strong you are, how powerful you've become. Tell me, how well does one fight when they can't breathe? Poorly.

I entombed Sasuke alive in a coffin of jagged earth. All the visual prowess in the world meant nothing when you were skewered by stone stakes. He starved to death.

I electrocuted Obito and Madara until their hearts exploded under the strain. In the end, I needed only one good hit. One opening. It was enough.

I drowned Kaguya when she rose from the latter's corpse and sealed her body at the bottom of the sea. No one will find her.

As for Kabuto, Orochimaru, the undead army and all those white zetsu clones...no. I'll keep that one a secret.

Gunner, the people began to call me; not for bullets-or even a certain device I developed years down the line-but for the sheer breadth of elemental jutsu I would spit-or-fling-in the course of any given battle. I don't see why I should be called that. I just used whatever was available to me and somehow, the name stuck. I didn't like it. Still don't.

And, then, when it was all said and done...just when I thought I'd found something to fight for, to live for, to protect...

...she died, too.

I found her on the battlefield, a sword in her stomach.

I could recall every moment for you, tell you how pale she was, her short gasps for breath, her hand grabbing mine, clammy fingers curling against my own, even the short conversation we had...but I can't. I don't have it in me to go back to that place. Thinking about it is too fresh. Too raw. Even after all these years. An old wound that never really healed. I still remember her last words.

"Its not your fault, Naruto." she'd gasped out. "Not your fault. Don't be sad. Don't...mourn me. Find...someone...else. Someone better. Please. Please don't...cry."

And then she was gone.

Ino said that to keep me from blaming myself. I know that. A small, detached part of myself even understood it. I knew her well enough by then to understand how she thought, at least in part. Even dying, her final words weren't for herself, or for her family...but for me. of me. She didn't want me to be broken up about her death. Didn't want me to tear myself apart.

Not my fault?

Not...my fault?!

OF COURSE IT WAS MY FAULT!

Throughout my life I have saved and slain. But this life...follows you. It curses you. I may be human on the outside, but I feel like a machine within. I was never raised in a healthy environment, never given the chance to function as anything more. I fought because I have to, because I must, because losing meant death. All I can do is attack and attack again. Ino might've made me something better, but with her gone, I had nothing left to fall back on, not anymore. Jiraiya became Hokage-very much against his will!-and Tsunade devoted herself to leading a new medical corps. Me?

I can only destroy.

I see the way the villagers look at me now. I was their gun. Their bullet. Hell upon their enemies. Death to their foes. A lie they told themselves to feel better at night. But what happens when we abandon the lie? Chaos. I was only ever good at fighting. I thought I was helping them. Saving them. Idiot. Since then, I have lived and I have let live and they respect my strength to be sure, but they fear me all the more.

Humanity fears what they cannot understand.

And what they cannot understand...

...they seek to destroy.

Why does he still live, they ask? Why doesn't he grow old? Why is he still alive after all these years? Why is he still here? Why. Why? Why?! Why, indeed?

I see in their faces and their children's faces and the children of their children. It grows fainter with every year. I outlive them all, wander aimlessly as the era of the shinobi grinds to an inexorable halt and gives way to an age of man; of myth and magic immemorial. It makes way for a more "civilized" age. As if you could call the current era anything but. They're brutes, men and women wearing false smiles. At least we shinobi were honest about it...to an extent. More than these guys.

Now, I hear tell of a device-a grail!-that can grant any wish. Fulfill any hope, grant any desire. Perhaps even mine.

My wish, you ask?

To have my childhood back. Not this eye, not all these jutsu, or the voices in my head, telling me I've failed them. To wipe my memories and have a peaceful life. That's all I could ever ask for. Maybe I'll see her again, in that other life. Maybe not. Either way, I want to be relieved of his burden. I'll do whatever it takes. If it means ingratiating myself with a clan of psychopath maes and would-be rulers? I'll do it. Summon a Servant? Fight another war? Even if it means poisoning the whole pack of them in their sleep and stealing their Servants for myself? I'll kill for it, if I have to. I know I'm strong enough. I'm a jinchuuriki. I've borne worse burdens.

You call me Gunner, when you know not the meaning behind it.

I'll gun them all down if it means a second chance.

I will have my second life.

(...0o0o0...)

He chose a graveyard.

In the dead of night, far from the Yggdmillennia castle, away from the other masters and their machinations, the last living shinobi put his plan into motion. He traced the crude circle with bloodied fingers, uncaring for its rough design. On a whim he made it larger than he should have; attempting to make up for his startling lack of quality. Any half-decend magus would've laughed at this. But he was no mage and beauty served no purpose here in this ritual. Most of the mages would've laughed at him for it. He would've laughed at them. Somt

It wasn't a bad plan.

Idly, his eyes flicked to the mark on his hand.

A spiral.

Somewhere deep inside him, he heard a dark chuckle, one he stubbornly suppressed. Of course the fox would find the iron amusing. He wasn't willing to let him die, but in the same vein he was not about laughing at his expense. Well! The bastard fox couldn't keep him from his wish. A rare, rueful smile plucked at his lips.

Some feared him.

Caules and Fiore at least showed him some semblance of respect; the kind one might grant to a beloved relative. They even called him uncle. Good kids. Not pure, but good. He hoped they wouldn't begrudge him for what was to come. It was nothing personal. If their lives could be spared, they would be. If not...

A fleeting tug of his conscience drew a grimace.

No, he steeled his heart, willing himself not to care. Yes. It had to be this way. He didn't care, just as he didn't care what-who!-he summoned in this ritual. Tiamat herself could've appeared and he wouldn't have batted an eyelash. So long as they were strong, he didn't care about their past. That's all it was really. The past. He longed only to escape it, and this Servant would be the key to unlocking that door. If they helped him without any compulsion on his part, great. If not, he'd beat some sense into them.

How little he knew.

Without a catalyst-which he most certainly hadn't bothered to search for-the Grail would randomly select his partner the only way it knew how; by choosing one similar to his mental state. Cold. Calculating. Willing to take obscene risks to reap the rich rewards that lay within. Yes, cold...while silently yearning for something more. And he'd made the circle terribly large. Perhaps that was to blame for what followed. Perhaps not. Regardless, a faint dread seized Naruto and he caught himself hesitating, uncertain of what he was about to unleash.

But only for a moment.

Right then, he growled. No more stalling.

A mosquito buzzed him and he caught it, crushing it in his fist with an annoyed grimace. Taking a moment to clean his hand on his dark trousers, careful not to further stain his already bloodied white coat. Blasted bloody uniform. Why did those Yggdmillennia bastards where these? Why did he, for that matter? He couldn't wait to rid himself of this ruse. Of this outfit, of...everything. Just a little longer now. Just a little more and he could at last begin, unleash the plan he'd held for decades-centuries!-in the making.

Extending his hand towards the circle he opened his palm again and began to speak the ritual words, adding only a touch of his own flair.

"I hereby swear." he intoned solemnly, "I will claim victory in this war at any cost. So I swear."

Stirred by his words the azure glow began to blaze, burning ever brighter. Something had answered. Never known for his restraint, Naruto poured more power into the ritual, opening his palm again as the white blazed red then blue, then a pure and wild white. He dared not shut his eyes against it, even as the as the storm swept in, clear starry skies turning dark as pitch. Rain pelted him through his jacket, but still he stood strong, watching in morbid fascination as the circle before him began to writhe and pulse.

"I am a weapon." words poured forth from him of their own volition now, his own anger slipping its leash and eagerly rising to the surface as the Grail hearkened to his call. "I am destruction. I am he who opens the gate to this world. Open. Open. Open." He chanted the word three times for good measure. "My name is Naruto Uzumaki!" his voice tore out of him in an almost unrecognizable snarl as he ripped free the cloth from his left eye, exposing it for all the world to see. "I call for death! I call for rebirth! I call for retribution! I call for annihilation!"

A great gale kicked up, ripping through the cemetery. Torn free from the ground by the raging wind, an upturned grave shot toward his face like an angry anvil. Freed from its confines, his lone Sharingan told him where not to be and the whiskered swayed out of the way, all the while howling into the wind. It spat back in the face of his snarl, the fury of a world made manifest. Lightning lashed at him from the heavens above, but a hand clad in golden chakra slapped it aside with a contemptible hiss.

"Servant! My will creates your body!" gasping against the pain scorching his arm as much as the heavy rain beating his body, he struggled out the rest of the contract through gritted teeth. "From this moment on, my life is yours, as yours is mine! If you would heed my summons and share in my triumph, then answer me now! Listen to me, now!"

The world roared and he roared at it, with it, against it.

"Now come forth from the circle of binding...

The light seared through his very soul.

...guardian of the Heavenly Scales!"

Cold fury burned the world white.

In that daunting moment the storm fell silent. Were one to see it from afar, they would've witnessed a profound pillar of light piercing the heavens themselves to still the raging hurricane buffeting the land. As if every one of the gods had spent their fury in this one singular moment and now their strength was wasted for naught. Slowly, reluctantly, the raging radiance cleared, gradually giving way to an arcane haze, and the stoic Servant standing within.

A maiden in white; that was Naruto's first thought for her.

Her dark, ebony skin seemed to shimmer in the faint light, hardened muscles blending with smooth, flowing curves. Though she held a sword of many colors at her side, she did not conceal her beauty; if anything hers was only accentuated by the scant articles of clothing she wore. Her threadbare modesty aside, this woman was dangerous. She radiated a cold confidence found in only the most hardened of warriors, made manifest in the way she held herself. She was a warrior, through and through. A conqueror. Even now, he found himself bristling in the face of this new arrival.

The stranger's eyes reluctantly drifted open at some unseen command, exposing a pair of blood red orbs.

Only then did this strange-looking newcomer deign to face the wandering warrior fully.

Her shroud turned with her, nearly gracing the round as she turned toward him.

"My name is Altera," her voice was soft, almost mournful by comparison. "Descendant of the Huns and the God of War's warrior. I am of Saber Class." Planting her blazing blade before her, she laid both hands upon its red hilt and regarded him for a long, piercing moment, as though searching for something. Perhaps she was testing him. Perhaps she was searching for his resolve. Perhaps she simply didn't like him. Regardless of the fact, he didn't move, and thus, neither did she. After what felt like an eternity, the Servant unbent enough to tilt her head.

"I ask of you," she inquired tentatively, "Are you my Master?"

Oh. Right. He was supposed to say something along the lines of:

"I am."

Saber nodded. "Good. I shall be your sword. Point me toward your enemies-

The world exploded.

Credit where it was due, Altera didn't falter; the harsh pop of sound was only just reaching his ears when she moved. In a heartbeat she stood between him and the perceived threat. She protested immediately when he nudged her aside and moved past, but her cry fell on deaf ears.

Naruto swore; because it wasn't a threat at all.

He'd been so focused on his newly summoned Servant that he hadn't noticed the summoning circle; hadn't realized it was still pulling prana and chakra from the air. He hadn't felt it. The Homonculus System took any and all such strain and placed it on the soulless hunks of flesh-don't think about it Naruto, don't allow yourself to feel guilt!-that he'd utterly failed to notice any of it. Until now. There was no storm to herald this unexpected arrival, no whisper, no warning, nothing at all. Of course, that is not to say their arrival went entirely unnoticed either.

If the arrival of Saber was light and ferocity, then this Servant represented ...

"Class, Avenger." a low voice intoned from within the localized inferno.

...pure, blazing fire.

Thick black smoke wafted over them in as that scorching wave napalm rocketed into the sky. By contrast of Altera's arrival, her bolt of light had come from the heaven itself. This...this came from the earth. As if the whole of the underow had opened up and spilled out a wave of demons into the soil. That ghastly red-black pillar spilled into the sky for a moment before stifling itself abruptly, guttering out with nary a whimper. Once more, a sullen silence descended upon now slightly-singed graveyard.

"Ho?" once again that rich, regal voice rose from the fading smoke. "To think you'd managed to summon someone like me. You're either brave...or suicidal."

The shadow within laughed, raised an arm and cut across it in a sharp, dismissive motion, parting the fog with almost supernatural ease.

With that, Naruto found himself face to face with Doom itself.

She was, in a word, magnificent. Long scarlet hair framed a pale face from which eyes of slitted scarlet shone; proud and arrogant, much like the smile she wore. Tall and curvaceous, clad in a flowing black bodysuit over which she'd draped a flowing red mantle and cloak bearing a lotus clasp. Her provocative attire stood in stark parallel to her intention; she had naught to hide and cared not what others thought of her. She didn't give a fig for it; for she stood as the epitome of madness. This was a Demon King. There could be no other word for it. A woman of such peerless insanity and destruction that none could ever compare to her glory...and that wasn't even mentioning the strange array of weapons she bore. That was most certainly a sword at her hip, but what was that-

Then the woman smiled; all thought vanished when faced with that pure, almost childish expression of complete and utter delight.

"I have arrived!" that crazed, almost familiar grin caused Naruto to twitch. "Oda Nobunaga, at your service! Nice to meet you, Mas...

Then those bright eyes beheld Altera and widened as he sentence fell unfinished.

...ter?"

Avenger blinked.

Then Saber blinked.

Even poor Naruto blinked.

...Master." Avenger's voice became a low, dangerous purr. "What is the meaning of this?"

"I should ask the same." Saber positively bristled. "Who is this woman? You have no need of her."

"Oho?!" a ghastly grin tore across the redhead's mouth. "Such fire! I think I'll take my time killing you-

"Knock it off!"

Twin red eyes rounded on him with frightful dispatch.

"Are you responsible for this, then?" Avenger reached for her blade.

Altera...well, Altera just looked hurt. As though she viewed this as a personal betrayal on his part.

Ouch.

Naruto glanced right. Naruto glanced left. They'd taken up flanking positions he realized, one to either side of him Nobunaga on his left, Altera at his right, each awaiting his answer. Somehow he couldn't help but feel that he'd done something terribly, horribly wrong. That he'd blundered this, somehow. It didn't make any sense. In a Grail War-even one as convoluted as this-one Master only received a single Servant. Theoretically you could steal Servants from other Masters through torture or trickery, but that was rare, even though he'd intended the latter. Had he broken Heaven's Feel somehow? Was the Grail malfunctioning? He had no idea.

Thankfully, his mind rebooted and he found his tongue again.

...what the actual hell?"

His words seemed to reactivate them, because Avenger promptly flicked him the forehead.

"Speak up, then! What sorcery is this? How did you summon both of us?!"

"Aren't you receiving energy from me?" he snapped as he began massaging his head to save off the beginnings of a growing migraine. "That should be proof enough."

"I feel no such thing." Nobunaga put in flatly.

...nor I, now that you mention it." Altera frowned.

Naruto could've slapped himself. Shit. The Homonculus System. Avenger and Saber were actively pulling mana from them at the moment, not him. He wanted to throttle Gordes. The man did good work, but right now it was genuinely inconveniencing him. That was going to be a right bitch to explain and he very much doubted either would believe him in any case. Time to switch tactics, then.

"Look, I really only meant to summon one of you." he began slowly, choosing his words with care as he raised his hands. "There's a reason for that, just as there's an explanation for this, so can we just put the swords away and talk about-

"No, we cannot!/Give us an answer!"

Their shout drowned him out louder than any storm.

They were mere moments from coming to blows if he didn't do something, he just knew it. Yet try as he might, he hadn't been able to think of another way to stop them beyond raising his voice back there. Could he stop them if it came to a fight? Would a Command Spell even work on them? He hadn't been prepared for this, and it was only his stubborn determination that kept him from faltering. Command Spell it was then. He could at least waste one. He raised his marked hand, brandishing a single glowing spiral.

"Fine. By the power of my Command Spell, I order you...!"

Nobu turned thunderous. "Don't you dare!"

Altera jerked back. "Master?!"

...no fighting each other!"

His command lashed at Avenger and Saber like a whip, binding their bodies with scarlet sparks. Both bent double with a gasp, crimson eyes wide with disbelief. Naruto didn't lower his arm, fully prepared to cast another if one-or both!-decided to turn on him. He half-expected one would; his shoulders tense at the thought. If it came down to it, he'd just have to run. Squaring off against one Servant might be interesting, but two was more than he was willing to handle, least of all if he was fighting a Saber. He couldn't die here. He wanted his wish. So he gathered his legs beneath him as the spell faded, prepared to bolt at the slightest provocation.

Remarkably, it never came.

Avenger straightened first, her back arching with a small scowl.

Altera followed a heartbeat later, leaning against her sorcerous sword for support, but it was the former who spoke first.

"So. It is you, then." the words were torn somewhere between a laugh and a sigh. "Only my Master could bind me with a Command Spell!" those keen red eyes regarded him anew, blazing like wild rubies. "If you did not summon me, my body would not have reacted thus! Therefore!"

Quick as a flash, she bolted to Naruto's side.

He tensed at once, but found himself wholly unprepared when she decided to glomm onto his right arm instead.

"Now...what is the saying these days?" she tilted her head, blissfully unaware of her contractor's supreme discomfort. "Aha! Yes! Dibs! I call dibs! No takebacks!"

"Hey!"

"Yet his command affected me as well." Altera put in primly as she finally found her footing well behind them. "Cease your drivel and release him, impostor. I am his Servant."

The Demon King only held tighter to him. "No, it is I!"

Altera stormed over and seized his opposite arm. "I refuse to accept that!"

"Then I shall deny your denial." Nobunaga preened, still clinging on. "First come, first serve, Saber-san!"

"I was first!" the white Saber was almost incredulous with fury. "I will not be usurped by you...you...you interloper!"

"Interloper, am I?!" Avenger reared back like a struck snake, a familiar glint in her eye, "Well at least I'm wearing proper clothes!"

"That's not proper at all!"

"Says the Hun!"

'I'm going to be here all night, aren't I?' Naruto groaned inwardly as their bickering rapidly dissolved into petty insults. 'Such misfortune...

Indeed, their bickering would last long into the twilight, yet he couldn't help but sigh as he allowed himself to be tugged back and forth full in the teeth of their petty squabble. He even smiled a touch. Just a bit. Was it wrong that a small part of him enjoyed this? Not the fighting mind you, but the fact hat he didn't feel alone anymore. That he finally had a goal again?

Yes?

No?

Maybe so?

Perhaps that was somewhat twisted of him, but he intended to savor this feeling as long as he could. Because it couldn't last forever. In his experience, nothing good ever did. As much he silently resolved to enjoy it while he yet could. Already he'd taken the first step, moved his first piece on an intricate bordered that spanned the whole of Trifas and beyond. Now came the next move, and the countermove, followed by the counter to that counter and so. And somehow, in the midst of all this, he'd broken the Grail enough to gain two powerful Servants.

He had a war to win.

His lips quirked in a wry grin.

"Now, then...let the games begin."

A/N:...Nobu is always Nobu.

HA! Did it! And they said I wouldn't!

Just suspend your disbelief and laugh for a moment!

TWO SERVANTS for Naruto. Haven't done that in the Unlikely Series yet.

Moreover, its Nobu! Avenger Nobu at that! In her final form at that! Duck and cover because everything's on fire!

Just imagine if everyone managed to summon a second Servant for themselves. Dear god, the chaos that would cause would be...insane.

A stunt like this could only be pulled off by the Black Faction; with the homunculus system in place, they don't waste any mana. They feel no strain. None. At all. Their Servants receive Mana through the aforementioned system, courtesy of Gordes, and as such they're absurdly powerful. Why haven't we seen someone abuse this system yet? Because its bloody well being abused now! Good luck, Shirou! Even with Semiramis, you're going to need it! Why? Just this once!

BECAUSE. ANYONE. CAN. BE. SUMMONED.

Bloody Tiamat could appear as a classless Servant, even!

So cast your votes, me hearties! Cry havoc and little slip the dogs of war!

This Naruto isn't quite as broken as Faker!Naruto, but he just wants a reset. He had no friends in this route, only tireless, relentless duty. He wants his childhood back. Who doesn't really? I'm sure a good number of us remember our younger days fondly. Mine...weren't quite so pleasant, but we're not here for me now, are we?"

Unlike Faker, he's quite mortal. If you cut off his head, he'll die. If you stab him in the heart, he'll die. If you hurt him enough to the point where his regeneration cannot compensate...then, he, will. Die.

There. Before her debut in A Most Unlikely Rider, Altera gets a chance to shine in A Most Unlikely Gunner.

NO MORE NEW APOCRYPHA STORIES! Don't tempt a man You'll get updates for all that I've published, so I swear, but I feel like I've gone and covered every variable for Naruto here. Saver and Moon Cancer are going to be somewhere else of course.

So in the Immortal Words of Atlas...

...Review...Would You Kindly?

Aaand enjoy the madness!

Including previews!

They're...intense.

(Previews!)

"Stupid! Useless! Familiar!"

Naruto's hand closed around Celenike's wrist and jerked her back. "That's enough!"

"Why?! This is my Servant! I'll do with them as I please-

His hand cracked across her face in a vicious smack. She recoiled, clutching at her cheek with a yelp.

"The next time you lay hands on them, will the the last time you have hands."

"I'm telling Darnic!"

His lip curled cruelly. "Go ahead. Cry to daddy."

Okita watched her race away.

...thank you."

Naruto fidgeted.

"Its nothing. I hate her anyway, so...

Tesla bowed.

"I am indeed Archer. A pleasure to meet you."

Assassin of Black tilted her head, blue eyes swimming with tears.

"I knew it. Its you, isn't it?"

Naruto choked.

"Uncle...?"

Naruto looked up.

Up. Further up. More still.

"Caules. You summoned...that?"

King Protea waved happily, knees tucked into her chest. "Hello~!"

...I'm just going to talk to Darnic."

Okita tilted her head, considering. "Why would you...?"

He stormed past her, crackling his knuckles with vicious intent.

"Repeatedly." a muscle jumped in Naruto's jaw, blue eyes blazing. "With my fists."

"Master, no!" Okita soon found herself dragged after him, heedless of her grip on his arm. "Its nothing! Calm down! Nobu! Help me!"

Nobunaga tilted her head. "Why? Let him die, I say. He never lets me have any fun."

"NOBU!"

"An empty girl serving an empty man. How amusing."

R&R~!