Because my head is a breeding ground for plot bunnies, here we are. And, yes, I'm aware most people wouldn't persist as much as this girl, but she is tenacious. This is set in the first season after Len and Barry make their deal, but assuming nothing happened for a while after that. (I threw in the Flash coffee at Jitters, despite it not being timeline appropriate.)

Also, I changed the title, since it was lame. XP

(-)

For once, it was apparently Barry Allen and not the Flash who had a fangirl.

"I see you in here all the time, but I'm always in a rush, but I had extra time today so I couldn't just not talk to you at last-"

Barry had superspeed, and this girl was going too fast for even him. Had she even taken a breath since she started talking? He could tell she meant well; she was obviously just nervous and babbling, which was something Barry could relate to. But how could he turn her down when he didn't have a second to respond?

Just when he started contemplating using his speed to create a diversion to distract her so he could escape (which would be both cowardly and irresponsible, he knew), an arm slid around his waist, bringing goosebumps when combined with the expensive cologne that he recognized even before he heard the voice.

"Barry, you're keeping me waiting and taking up valuable time from this lovely young woman. You should be ashamed." There was a teasing tone that was usually accompanied by dry wit or a snide attitude. And puns. There were usually more puns.

Captain Cold had his arm around Barry and was leaning in comfortably like he belonged there. The girl seemed almost as taken a-back by his appearance as Barry was. Almost. It was hard to beat being startled by your nemesis getting cozy with you out of the blue.

"Who are you?" she asked.

"Oh, I'm Len, Barry's boyfriend. He promised to buy me coffee this morning but instead he's over here trying to make me jealous. And here I thought we'd moved past all those games and onto new ones." The suggestive tone had Barry burning with embarrassment even as he tried to process what the hell was happening.

The girl looked between Cold's smug confidence and Barry's embarrassment and astonishment. She wasn't sold. "This is your boyfriend?" she asked Barry.

It took him a few seconds too long to collect himself and answer. Cold squeezed Barry's hip, which prompted him. "Yeah. He is. I just…wasn't expecting him to show up so early."

Barry cursed his poor lying skills. The girl looked even less convinced than before he had spoken. "So, how long have you two been dating?"

Barry just kept his mouth shut and let Snart's silver tongue take the lead. He was having a hard enough time not squirming out of Cold's grip. It wasn't trapping him, it wasn't hurting him, it wasn't…at all unpleasant. Which was all the more reason to end it. But not yet.

"Oh, we met about a year ago, but it's only in these past few months that we've really gotten closer and things have moved like lightning." Barry knew Cold couldn't resist punning for long.

Yeah, kidnapping Cisco and his brother, torturing them to gain Barry's identity, and then blackmailing Barry had happened pretty quickly, and Barry supposed it could be considered "taking their relationship to the next level." But what on earth about those events changing the dynamics between them had Captain Cold sidling up to him at Jitters pretending they were dating? Barry was certain he held no appeal to the thief beyond an interesting and challenging adversary.

Cold didn't even wait for another question. "We were actually deciding what to do for our three-month anniversary over coffee this morning. At least, we were supposed to be before someone decided that he needed to play mind games."

Mind games indeed. Barry was rapidly coming to the conclusion that this was just another way for Snart to screw with him. And he knew Barry would play along if it meant getting rid of the verbal-speedster-fangirl.

"Oh, that's my fault; I've been admiring your boyfriend from afar for a while now. You're such a lucky guy. When is your anniversary?" The girl had dialed back her suspicion, but Barry knew she was still unconvinced. Right now he was mostly hoping Snart wouldn't find it funny to kiss Barry to sell the ruse.

"This Friday." Snart didn't miss a beat.

"Have you ever eaten at Mario's?"

"Do they serve giant mushrooms?"

That got a burst of honest laughter from the girl. Maybe she'd decide that Captain Cold was far more charming and attractive than Barry could ever be. Barry was already on that train. Though he felt certain if he stayed on board too long, Snart would happily derail and crash this one too.

"No, but they're rated as one of the top romantic restaurants in the city."

Barry was horrified when Snart said, "That sounds perfect. I'll make reservations for Friday. What a wonderful suggestion, Miss…"

"Rebecca."

"Rebecca. Thank you for being so gracious about my good fortune in snagging this wonderful man." Barry fought down panic when Cold briefly nuzzled into his neck. He knew he was bright red, so hopefully she'd take it as Barry being uncomfortable with PDA. Which he was when it came to his nemesis playing games with him.

"Time to buy me coffee, Barry." Captain Cold waved at Rebecca as he steered Barry into the coffee line.

When Barry saw her leave, coffeeless, he shook off Snart's grip and rounded on him. "What the hell are you playing at?"

"I was playing at being your knight in frozen armor. It was fun. Besides, I saw you keeping quiet while she kept going on and on. She would have bullied you into a date with her instead."

Barry was briefly speechless. Was there an implication there that Captain Cold didn't want Barry going on dates with anyone that wasn't him? No, he was reading too far into it. "I'll have you know I was waiting for her to breathe again before I said something. Either that or reveal herself to be a meta who doesn't require oxygen to live."

"Bullshit, Scarlet."

"You made plans in front of her, which is what she was obviously hoping for! Now she'll see that we aren't dating and go back to pestering me."

Captain Cold smirked. "That's why we're going on a date, Barry. One romantic evening and she will get the message that you're taken. It's either that or you can find a new favorite coffee shop."

It was creepy that Snart knew that. It also meant it wasn't impossible that Snart had shown up here to catch Barry and harass him. And he'd found himself a golden opportunity.

"You want to go on a date with me? Why?" Because Leonard Snart wasn't doing this out of the goodness of his heart. Even if Barry was starting to think that Snart might have something softer behind his icy exterior (although that could also be him deluding himself to make his inappropriate attraction to the man more acceptable), Snart was no humanitarian.

Barry received another smirk. "It'll be fun, kid. How many nights off do you take to have fun?" When Barry opened his mouth, Cold added, "Fun that doesn't involve STAR Labs or anyone therein."

Closing his mouth, Barry frowned. "You just eliminated all of my friends. Having fun with my friends on a night off counts."

"Socializing, Barry. Meeting new people. How can a speedster like yourself be satisfied with so little stimulation? All work and no play makes Flash a dull boy."

Barry rolled his eyes. "A date with you is not socializing with new people."

"But it is new. I won't pull any heists, and I'll leave the cold gun at home. Brave new world."

That drew a snort from the speedster. "That still doesn't explain why you're doing all this."

Captain Cold shrugged indifferently. "Maybe I'm bored."

And, yeah, that definitely chilled Barry's mood. Attraction was bad enough, but if this was turning into a crush (which his crushing disappointment at Snart's statement indicated), he was in big trouble.

But he wouldn't show Cold that he hurt Barry. "Why do I have to buy you coffee?"

Cold gave him a particularly smug smirk. "Unlike you, I don't do heroics for free. I think that rescue deserves an iced Flash, don't you?"

Barry didn't answer, just cursed puns as his face heated up. That wasn't all that suggestive, so why did it elicit a warm pull inside the speedster? "Fine," he said, facing ahead as they were next in line.

Cold just let out a "hmph" noise that sounded more put-out than satisfied, but Barry wasn't going to pay attention. He was going to purchase coffee and leave this nightmare morning behind him.

Jessica, the barista working the counter and Iris's best work friend, took in Barry and Snart together, and Barry prayed she didn't pay enough attention to the news to recognize the thief. Although, sans-parka and goggles and dressed in a navy button up and black slacks and black shoes, he hardly looked like the Captain Cold who had challenged the Flash on live TV.

When she gave him a small, conspiratorial smile and said, "What can I get you and your friend, Barry?" Barry realized he had a whole different problem on his hands. No way Iris wasn't hearing about this.

"Two iced Flashes. One with three extra shots of espresso and extra whipped creme." Snart didn't even blink before he ordered.

Jessica smiled as she took Barry's money and put the order in. "Even if you usually drink hot coffee, it's impressive that your friend knows how you like your Flash."

It was creepy, that's what it was. Even if he knew his system burned through the caffeine faster than he could ingest it, Barry credited the placebo effect for the boost it gave him. And Cold somehow knew that he liked the extra caffeine. Barry could have attributed the extra shots to just guessing a number, but combined with the whipped crème, it meant that Captain Cold had been keeping an extremely close eye on him.

When Jessica turned to make their drinks, Barry glared at Cold. "Anyone ever tell you that you're a creep?"

That drew the first truly hostile look Cold have given Barry that morning. "No. I'm told I'm a meticulous planner with a fine eye for details. Planners do lots of homework, even if not all of it is useful. Can't risk missing something others might not see the importance of."

Barry almost bought that. But something still felt off. "How much homework have you done on me?"

Cold gave him a chilly smile. "My greatest and most dangerous enemy? Plenty."

And Barry felt colder at that. How much of his personal life had Snart seen since he got ahold of Barry's identity? What intimate moments had he witnessed?

"Calm down, Scarlet, your precious privacy is pretty much intact. Since I've agreed not to go near your friends and family, I haven't done quite as thorough research into the most personal parts of your life."

Only slightly reassured, Barry said, "You know how I like my coffee. But you have no idea how I like my eggs?" Barry only ate eggs at home, so it would be a telling answer.

Cold glanced at him. "Know how you like your eggs? That would be weird."

But Barry couldn't ignore the fact that Cold hadn't said he didn't know. The speedster wasn't sure what exactly was going on here, but the uncertainty was unsettling. It made him want more distance between himself and the dangerous man with unclear motives.

When Jessica set their cups in front of them, she looked back and forth, taking in the tense atmosphere between the two of them. "Uh, here you go, Barry." Then she hurried to get the next customer in line. Apparently she could sense bad vibes.

Barry picked up his cup and made to leave, but Snart caught his arm. "We need to plan our date, Scarlet." Jessica's head snapped to look at them and Barry cursed Snart's loud mouth.

"I have work." He was not in the mood to hang out and plan a fake date with his nemesis/crush.

"Give me your number then."

Now Barry frowned. "Don't you already have it?"

"Just give it to me." Again, he hadn't denied having it.

Barry told him his number, knowing the steel trap of Captain Cold's mind would hold the number in his mind forever. And he turned and left without saying goodbye.

About the time Barry was settled in his lab, he got a text from an unfamiliar number: Don't be so cold to me on our date, Scarlet, or Rebecca won't believe we have any sparks between us.

There was no stopping the chuckle that escaped Barry. Your stalker antics are a bucket of ice water. That isn't my fault.

What if I said you make my heart race like lightning?

That was a bucket of ice water. I'd say stop playing around. Just let me know when we need to settle on our plans. I have work to do.

Barry was both satisfied and disappointed when he received no reply. Still, he saved the number in his contacts. He was hesitant to pick a name for Captain Cold, though. Both "Captain Cold" or "Cold" or "Snart" were red flags to anyone who might pick up his phone.

Then he remembered how Cold had introduced himself to Rebecca. Barry just labeled the number "Len", and settled in to process evidence from the latest crime scene. He just had to remember that no matter what label he was given, Leonard Snart was a dangerous, untrustworthy criminal.

(-)

Had fun? I know I did. Let me know what you thought in a review, if you are so inclined. I'll never be the author who holds updates hostage for reviews, but I will say that I don't know how far I'll take this. If my muse gives me more extended plans, I'll probably get more done, but right now I only have enough ideas for one or two more chapters. I'm pretty sure my brain can come up with something more plotty, given enough time.

Also, the "That would be weird" line was totally from Freaky Fred in Courage the Cowardly Dog. Just FYI. XD