Posting this for me is honestly...terrifying. What you're about to read is unlike anything I've ever written before, at least to me. That is mostly because of how personal the story is for me. I basically took my real life story and tried to imagine what it would be like if it took place in Tree Hill with Nathan and Haley. Some of it is almost word for word stolen from my life, while some of it is fiction. I'll leave it up to you guys to figure out what is what ;) Some of this is very AU/OCC, while some of it isn't. It's angsty. It's raw. It's complicated. It's destructive. And it's personal. While it is a "love" story, it is also a story about self-discovery/growth, reflection, etc.

I never thought I would post this because of how personally related it is to me. I initially wrote it as a way of working through everything and coming to terms with what happened. Basically, giving myself closure and an outlet to air some of my frustrations. It ended up turning into a semblance of a story, instead of me just venting. Writing things out usually helps me and I found no better form of therapy than using Nathan and Haley. However, I had a friend read it and she encouraged me to post it...so here I am. I just want you guys to keep in mind that since this was never written to be a fanfic nor was it written with intentions of sharing, it might be a little different from the types of stories I've written and the themes I've used in them.

...and yes, every chapter title comes from Taylor Swift's "Style", hence the title.

P.S. Hell is still my main priority, I've just been holding on to this for a while and just finally said fuck it lol.

Could End in Burning Flames or Paradise

It's barely midnight when she hears the rock hit her window. It's a quiet sound that could be mistaken for the house settling or the wind rattling a branch. But she hears it clear as day. A few seconds later, she hears the sound again.

She knows it's him. He doesn't show up at her house every night, but he is a frequent visitor. Every time she hears that familiar thud, she swears she's not going to get out of bed. Nope, not this time. But by the time that third thud sounds, she's slipping out of bed like he's a siren song and she's a more than willing victim.

When she peers out her window, her heart jumps in her chest as an involuntarily smile spreads across her face. She tries to force her smile into a scowl, but the muscles in her face are uncooperative. He looks like a dream, leaning against his mustang in that leather jacket of his. He's the kind of guy who wears sunglasses at night, the dark frames hiding steel eyes so blue she's sure Prince Charming would be jealous of. Even in the moonlight, she can see the smirk on his face.

God, help her.

She turns away from the window and starts quietly scrambling around for acceptable clothes to wear. Anything but the purple polka dot pajamas bottoms and hole-y tank top she's currently sporting. Settling on a pair of dark wash jeans and a white sweater, she quietly slips out of her room and passes her parents' bedroom. While she doesn't have the strictest parents' in the world, they still wouldn't approve her sneaking out with some boy they don't know. That she barely knows.

Every bang of her heartbeat is just another reminder every how many things are wrong with this situation. He's one year her senior, which isn't much of an age difference at all, but sometimes it feels like decades. She knows nothing about him, except for the things she's read on bathroom walls and heard from passing whispers on her way to class. As far as she can tell, he's from a different world than she is—one where popularity and social graces mean more than a mark on a report card. He has a broken family while she has one that is so tightly bound it can be suffocating. He has a paper trail for a reputation dating back to his days on the playground and she has one that is as white as snow.

He's night and she's day.

He's her fall from grace, but she figures it was bound to happen eventually. She just never predicted it would come in the form of dark hair, blue eyes, and a heartbeat.

Once she's out of the house without making a peep, she approaches him as casually as she can. He doesn't break his stance until she's only an arm's length away.

"Haley James."

The way he says her name cures her of all anxiety, as it always does. His mouth seems to form the words so delicately and so perfectly like they were molded for his mouth and his mouth only. When he removes his sunglasses and tucks them into his pocket, she gasps quietly. She supposes that she'll never get used to how blue his eyes are.

"What are you doing here, Nathan?" Haley asks, even though she already knows the answer. She doesn't want to come across like she was waiting for him, even though a small part of her was.

Nathan shrugs in that nonchalant way that drives her crazy. He can appear to be so…careless, sometimes, even though she knows that's the furthest thing from the truth. On the outside, he parades around this cold exterior that nothing bothers him. That everything about life is simple. She learned quickly that it was just a defensive mechanism. Behind his lackadaisical attitude, there's a raging storm and he'd rather die than show anyone that side of him.

"I wanted to see you," he states simply.

For a split second, she almost believes that it's simple. Normal, even. But there's nothing normal about meeting like thieves in the night. There's nothing normal about being wrapped in each other's arms in the dark, but pretending they're nothing once the sun comes up.

"Brooke not home?" Haley mutters it a lot more bitterly than she intended to.

Nathan's face steels in a blink of an eye. He drops his arms, the sound the leather rubbing together loud in her ears. "Come on, Hales, don't be like that."

Haley could press the issue. She could scream at him like she has a million times in her head, but she opts to stay quiet. Because even though she knows it's wrong, she can't give him up. She'd rather have these little moments that only they know about than nothing at all. It's a little selfish, maybe even a little sadistic, but whose fall from grace isn't?

"I'm sorry," she surrenders. She silently hopes that she didn't ruin this night before it even came close to beginning.

Haley can't read his expression as he turns away from her. He walks around to the driver's side of his car and her stomach knots at the thought of him leaving. She begins to silently berate herself for opening her mouth when she sees him waiting for her with expectant eyes.

Letting go of the breath she was holding, she practically runs to his car.

As they get in the car, she imagines her porch light turning on with her dad flying out of the house. He'd be in that dark blue robe that has way too many holes in it and way too many loose threads to be deemed wearable but still won't part with. She imagines his fist in the air, waving angrily as he shouts at her to come back inside.

At least she can pretend that she isn't some well-kept secret.

~x~

They drive around silently for a long stretch of time. The radio hums some classic rock song at its lowest setting. Unlike his stone statue before they got in the car, Nathan seems relaxed. His fingers are drumming against the steering wheel in tune with the beat of their quiet soundtrack. Unabashedly, she watches him.

He's so much different now than when she first truly laid eyes on him a couple of months ago. His hair is shorter. His shoulders are a little broader and his face is a little more chiseled. But, he's still beautiful. So breathtakingly beautiful, it almost pisses her off. She'd always been keenly aware of his effect on the opposite sex, but he was so much more than what met the eye. Behind those devastatingly good looks, there's a storyboard with multiple pins and colored threads that intersect and tangle.

Even she, the one who usually chooses to believe there is a little good in everyone, initially fell victim to the gossip and the reputation that precedes him. People bow down to him, but more than that, they're terrified of him. He walks around with a confidence that is untouchable. He has a mean streak, painting himself as nothing but a selfish jerk whose heart is cold to the touch. And he very well can be that selfish jerk that everyone makes him out to be. Sometimes he can be even more vicious and cruel than the rumors claim. For a while, she believed he was a lost cause.

However, Haley quickly learned that it's all an act. The real Nathan, the one that he didn't show many people, is the complete opposite. She hasn't figured out why he feels the need to carry around that version of himself, but she isn't going to stop until she does. Underneath all that angst, hatred, and cockiness is a guy who is sweet, hardworking, and extremely complicated. She isn't sure what makes her so special where he feels like he can be himself around her, but she doesn't take it for granted.

They grew up in the same town but never crossed paths until recently. She was aware of his existence, but she's not sure if he was aware of hers. He was always that boy that girls crushed intensely on, from the sandbox. But while girls lost themselves in boys, she lost herself in books and writing.

When sandboxes turned into organized sports and classes of the social ladder, her best friend, Lucas Roe, fell into basketball while she remained with her head in a book. To support him, she attended most of his games and even hanged back and waited for him after practices. She occasionally saw Nathan due to that, but they never interacted.

He was always just that older boy that wasn't bad to look at, but was apparently the town jerk, until he sat next to her in her 2nd-period geometry class.

"Your birthday's coming up," Nathan says. "It's the 31st, right?"

Haley warms at the idea of him remembering her birthday. She only mentioned it once during a passing conversation. "New Year's Eve," she affirms bitterly.

"Any plans?"

Haley shakes her head as she focuses her attention on the passing buildings. Their driving towards downtown.

"My birthday's not really a big deal," she explains with a shrug. "It's kind always been pushed to the side because of the holiday. I don't mind, though. The less attention on me, the better."

They're stopped at a red light and his gaze is fixated on her. She catches that hint of sadness in the way he's looking at her. It's not pity. It's not sympathy. Just sadness. She feels it then. It hits her like a ton of bricks that he might just be the only person in the world that understands her exactly. She wishes she could frame that look, maybe then it wouldn't keep her up at night.

Out of her peripheral vision, she sees the light change to green, but he's still looking at her. A lick of fire slides up her spine, spreading through the rest of her body. One human should not have that much power over another, but she doesn't want to be the one to set precedent.

"The lights green," Haley points out thickly.

He regards her a few more seconds before he swings his gaze back to the road. She can breathe easily again.

"Tell me about your best birthday," he requests casually. There's a certain curiosity to him that shocks Haley. He's not asking to make conversation or small talk, he's asking because he's genuinely curious. No one has ever been genuinely curious about her or her life.

"That's kind of a hard question," Haley mutters with a laugh.

Despite the difficulty of the question, she finds it easy to talk to him.

"But if I absolutely had to pick, I'd probably say my 13th birthday," Haley begins to explain, a nostalgic wave coming over her. "We went down to Florida for Christmas and stayed there to the new year to visit my grandparents. Christmas was my grandma's favorite holiday and she went all out. Every room in her house was decorated, from top to bottom. It was like Santa's workshop in there, complete with the smell of cookies and candy canes."

She gets lost in telling the story, her eyes and hands animated.

"It was super low-key and quiet, just my parents and my grandparents. It was a change of pace from the usual holiday parties that we have. My mom's a bit of a party fanatic. But instead, my grandma built a bonfire on the beach and we sat around, talking and watching the fireworks."

"This must be so boring for you, I'm sorry," Haley mumbles after she realizes how long she had been talking. The tips of her ears are burning with embarrassment.

Nathan shakes his head with a smile. "Not at all. I wouldn't have asked if I didn't care."

One thing she can say certainly about Nathan is that he doesn't sugar coat things. He's blunt and straight to the point. And he doesn't say things he doesn't mean. She admires that about him, and she's jealous. He's always so sure of himself, so confident in anything he does. She often wonders what it's like to have that kind of power

"That sounds really amazing."

Haley senses the longing. For a brief second, she feels guilty for gushing about her family when she knows he doesn't have one. But when one hand slides off the steering wheel and finds hers, that melts away. It's his way of telling her that he's okay as a part of a secret language that only they understand.

Haley looks out the window, confused by their sudden change of surroundings. They're no longer driving through the brick streets of downtown, but instead on the crated bridge that overlooks the Cape Fear River.

"Where are you taking me, anyway?" Haley wonders, glancing over at him suspiciously.

Nathan smirks, his eyes never leaving the road. "You'll see."

~x~

It's cold out by the river court. The December air, mixed in with the kickback from the icy water of the Cape Fear River nips at Haley's skin. She pulls at the sleeves of her sweater as she wraps her arms around her middle. Nathan looks unbothered by the cold, almost as if he's in his element.

They're sitting on the hood of Nathan's car, facing the loud and flowing river. The space between them is minuscule, close enough for her to feel the heat radiating off of Nathan's body. She's not sure if the shivers going down her spine are from the wintry air or Nathan's close proximity. Is it selfish that she wishes he were even closer?

"Why'd you decide to take me here?" Haley wonders, licking her lips. This isn't her first time at the river court. She's come here many times with Lucas, where he would shoot around at the basketball court while she laid under the tree with a book or her journal.

"It's one of my favorite places in the world," Nathan discloses with a short shrug. "I come out here whenever I need to think or escape reality for a little bit."

She hopes that she's not reading too much into it when she allows herself to feel special about his location choice. Nathan's a rather guarded individual. He keeps almost everyone at arm's length, only allowing them to see the sides of him that he wants others to see. She takes a leap of faith and allows herself to believe that he doesn't go to the river court with just anyone.

"It really is beautiful out here," she agrees, looking around at all the vibrant shades of green they are surrounded by.

His following sigh has her ears perking up. "It's the one place my dad can't touch me and my mom can't find me."

The pain in her gut is hard to ignore. Every time Nathan mentions his parents, the air gets a little thicker and makes it harder to breathe. While he hasn't admitted it, she chalks up his need to be a certain way to the public eye as a direct result of his parents' unconventional parenting skills. Maybe she was just being too analytical, but regardless, the pain in his eyes always feels like a punch in the gut and it makes her wish she could solve all his problems by simply wrapping her arms around him.

The topic of his parents is a touchy one. She doesn't dare bring them up unless he does first. Haley takes every crumb of information he chooses to share with her and cherishes it. Holds it close to her like notes passed in secrecy.

Reaching out, she places a hand over his, offering him a comforting smile. He glances at her hand first, before reaching her eyes. The look of awe has butterflies flapping their wings wildly in her stomach.

"I take it things aren't improving?" Haley says quietly, brushing her fingers over the top of his hands. His skin is a combination of smooth on the surface and rough around the edges.

"I don't think they ever will," Nathan grumbles bitterly. He flips his hand over, allowing her fingers to brush over his palm. Haley notices that the longer she does this, the less tense he becomes. "It's been like this my whole life—the fights, the broken promises, the belittling speeches, the abandonment. I thought maybe that'd change when Lily was born, but things only seemed to get worse. I can't possibly hold out hope that they'll change now."

She frowns, lacing their fingers together. His hand is much bigger than hers, practically swallowing her delicate one. Holding his hand feels natural and she tries not to focus too much on that thought.

"People can surprise you," Haley offers up lamely. She's never sure how to approach these conversations. If she pushes too hard, he'll shut down and shut her out. It's like walking a tightrope.

Nathan scoffs woefully. "But it's shouldn't be like this, you know? Like I shouldn't want my parents to change or be in a position where they should change. I shouldn't have to fight to shield my sister from their tactics on a daily basis. It just…it's not fair."

"I'm sorry, Nathan," she sighs, using her free hand to rub his arm. "I wish I could do something to make this better for you."

Nathan swivels his gaze over to her and it steals her breath away. The look he is sporting is so tender, yet intense. "You do so much for me just by being here and listening. I think you know by now that I typically don't talk about these things with people."

Warmth spreads through her. "I'm always here to listen," she reminds him, soaking in his grateful smile.

The rain that starts to fall is light, peppering their skin. They both look up at the dark sky, which now has a grey, gloomy film over it.

Deciding that the tense and melancholy vibe of their conversation needs to change, Haley slides off the hood of his car and slips her hand out of his embrace. She smiles at his questioning gaze, sending him a wink. For a few seconds, she stands stationary, letting the rain drip over her. Slowly, she starts to spin, swaying her body to an imaginary beat.

"What on Earth are you doing?" Nathan roars, both with laughter and astonishment.

She smiles. "Dancing in the rain. You know how I love to dance."

"You're a special one, Haley James."

Haley can feel his beseeching gaze on her as she twirls in the rain. It feels like a tattoo on her skin, branding her and making her feel alive. Stress melts from her bones as the feeling of adolescence comes barreling in. She feels free and happy. Twirling around once more, she pauses to look at Nathan. Instead of sitting on the hood on his car, he's leaning against it with his arms crossed over his chest. Even in the dim light, she can see him smirking with those sparkling eyes of his.

"Don't stop on my account," Nathan calls out to her teasingly. "I'm enjoying the show."

She laughs along with him as she swirls around a few more times, her face tilted upwards and eyes closed. The rain lightly pelts her face, the droplets slipping from her face into her hair and down her neck. It's freezing, but she doesn't consciously feel it.

Her laugh combines with his husky one when she feels his arms wrap around her waist and her feet momentarily lift off the ground. The warmth of his body wraps around her like a cloak, the freezing rain is completely forgotten, along with the outside world. The only thing that matters is the two of them.

She continues to laugh as Nathan spins her around, his fingers tickling her sides. Her dancing has seized, only to be replaced by chasing and spinning. It makes her feel like a little kid again, being chased around the playground by her crush. The rain just makes it that more romantic. To her, it's these little moments that make life worth living.

Eventually, it all dies down, leaving them both panting for breath as they walk back to his car hand in hand. In one swift motion, Nathan presses her against the side of the car, holding her in place with the juncture of his hips. It happens so fast that it gives her whiplash and takes a few seconds for her to register the change. His hands are in her hair, fingertips pressing against her scalp in a way that almost puts her to sleep. It's sinful the way he's pressed against her, the way the heat seems to flow so effortlessly between them.

His eyes are cobalt, peering at her so intently she wonders if he can see right through her. Every time they're together, she wonders if it's going to be the last. Haley knows it won't be of her own accord. She tells herself over and over that she's this is the last time, but she's defenseless when it comes to him. Instead, she wonders if he'll ultimately decide that he doesn't want her.

It catches her off guard that instead of walking away, he leans in closer. She inhales sharply when their noses brush and his minty breath dances across her lips. Her heart is racing as her mind ponders whether or not he's finally going to kiss her.

Haley almost slips out of his grasp like putty when he deflects his lips to the corner of her mouth. Even that slightest touch has her blood sizzling. Her breath hitches when he brushes his lips over her cheek and down the edge of her jaw. The softness of his lips against her skin has her fingers digging into the loops of his belt, pulling him as close to her as humanly possible.

"Nathan," she pleads softly. The smirk she feels against her skin both infuriates her and turns her on.

She's aware of what girl's say about him. He's a prowess in bed, everything from his kisses to his handiwork. But even with that knowledge stored in the back of her mind, she's surprised. It surprises her how easy it is for him to manipulate her, to find every crevice of skin that begs to be touched.

Haley's not sure what Nathan's endgame is. He hasn't made any real moves on her, besides a few endearing words here and a few touches there. Regardless, Haley never wanted to be that girl that melted with one kiss or one touch. She didn't want to be the girl who gave in so easily. Something about keeping that idea of herself in her mind with Nathan around is impossible.

By the time they're touching foreheads, they're both panting, only this time it's not from their bout of physical activity. He runs his thumb over her plump bottom lip and that small action makes her want to jump his bones. It's not healthy to be that attracted to someone, she figures, but then again, Nathan had to have been crafted by the devil himself in the name of being tempting.

"You can be such a tease sometimes," Nathan mumbles huskily, a sound she feels all the way down to her toes.

"Me?" Haley gasps.

Her head feels like it's spinning on a tilted axis. He's the one touching her in mind-numbingly ways which is both too much and not enough. He's the one that keeps her up at night and makes her dizzy with a single look…and she's the one teasing him?

He nods, the corners of his lips tipping into a hint of a smile. "You are so seemingly unaware of how you affect me. It's endearing."

Haley doesn't know how to respond to that in a way that won't scare him away. She desperately wants to ask him to elaborate. She needs to know exactly what he feels because she needs confirmation if she's crazy or if there really is this pull between them that goes beyond lust.

Instead, she remains silent.

"I go crazy when I think about kissing you," he admits coarsely and her pulse jumps.

Haley doesn't know what affects her more—the fact that he thinks about kissing her or the way he says it. She's evidently not the only one unaware of how one of them affects the other.

She decides to test the waters. "Why haven't you?"

His eyes ignite like she's just initiated a challenge. If she knows only one thing about Nathan Scott, it's that he doesn't back down from a challenge.

Haley's breath hitches when he leans into her, their noses brushing once again. Her lips part in anticipation and just when he's a hairbreadth away from sealing their lips together, the shrill sound of his phone ringing shocks them both. Groaning, Nathan reaches into his pocket. He immediately goes rigid and backs away from her a few seconds later.

"It's Brooke."

The icy cold breath of guilt is panting down the back of her neck, shattering the illusion. All the warm and fuzzy she was feeling moments before is wiped clean, leaving her cold and shivering. Reality comes crashing in like a thief, stealing every moment of happiness she has to offer. Her mom always said that ignorant bliss only lasts so long.

Turning away from him, she walks back over to the passenger side. "We should probably go."

Even without looking, she can feel his apologetic look. She can't bear to see it, fearing that she'll crumble beneath it.

"Hales…"

That soft, pleading whisper of her name threatens to break her. It takes everything in her to not meet his eyes and get lost in that bliss once more. Her eyes fall shut and she shakes her head. "It's okay, Nathan."

Apparently, she's a liar now, too.

~x~

Haley feels sluggish as she approaches her locker. The spots right above her eyes are pounding from the lack of sleep and everything feels foggy. Even from her place at her locker, she can hear her bed calling her name. These late nights and early mornings were eventually going to catch up to her, but just like every other piece of reality, she ignores it.

Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Nathan. He's at Brooke's locker, leaning against it as she talks his ear off. Probably about something related to cheerleading or some rumor she heard while reapplying her make-up in the bathroom that morning. He's nodding away like he's listening. but Haley knows better. His mind is elsewhere and she secretly prays that it's her he's thinking about.

As much as she hates to admit it, she's jealous of Brooke Davis. Her long brunette hair and dark brown eyes make her quite the knock-out. Her thin figure and sun-kissed skin is envy-worthy. Based on the gossip around the school, she's kind of a diva, but also a sweet face. Haley understands the attraction, but that doesn't mean she doesn't hate it.

When Haley compares herself to Brooke, everything becomes that much fuzzier. Everything about her is plain and boring. She's the type of person that disappears easily in crowds. No one spares her a second look and she certainly doesn't turn heads. She's just average…and she likes that about herself. She wouldn't change anything, even if she has the chance. She just doesn't understand what Nathan sees in her that's worthy of risking everything.

For a brief second, they make eye contact. There's a flicker of recognition in his eyes, which is mostly overshadowed by the flicker of sadness. Her body buzzes when the corners of his mouth curve in the slightest hint of a smile. But then she blinks and it's gone. He's not looking at her anymore. Instead, he has an arm around Brooke and a wide smile on his face. It's possible it's in her imagination, but she swears it doesn't reach his eyes.

The snub cuts through her life a knife. Even though she knows he's not going to walk over to her, toss an arm around her waist, and pull her into an earth-shattering kiss for everyone to see, it hurts when he doesn't do just that.

It's not fair, she knows, to any of the parties involved. She knows that she's worth more than a closet...something. She doesn't want to say, girlfriend, because she's not sure that's what she is to him. She can't say friends either, because friends don't share the things they do and they don't touch the way they do. She doesn't know what she is to him, but she knows she deserves more.

It's complicated. It's a maze wrapped inside a spider's web. The smart thing to do would be to end it. She's not that girl that goes after someone else's man. She's not that girl that loses herself for the sake of a boy. But for the first time in her life, she doesn't want to be smart.

When it all comes crashing down, which she knows it will, it's going to hurt like hell. Her world is going to flip upside down, leaving her with bumps and bruises that aren't ever going to heal. Even knowing all that, she can't let him go. She can't let the way he makes her feel go or the way she feels about him. She just can't, no matter how hard she tries. It's those things that make all the lingering stares, moments of heartbreak, and secrets worth it.

It's self-destruction at its finest. It scares her that she's aware of everything she has to lose and nothing she has to gain, but that's not enough to deter her.

"Hey, you okay?" Lucas asks her, popping up on the other side of her locker.

He's got that concerned look on his face, the one that makes her want to break down and spill everything to him. That would be catastrophic. He'd be pissed, she figures. Pissed might even be too friendly of a word. Nathan Scott isn't his favorite person. He doesn't even make the top 100, for various reasons which mostly boil down to how much of an asshole he is. In Lucas' eyes, she's perfect and can do no wrong. The version of her—the one where she's on a pedestal made of gold and might go down in history as a saint—that exists in his head would be completely shattered.

He's not the only who sees her like that. It's not a narrative that she's given herself, but one that people branded her with. She's supposed to be perfect. She's supposed to do no wrong. Maybe that's why she decided to get tangled up with the town's bad boy. To prove to herself that she doesn't have to live inside of that mold for the rest of her life. To prove that freedom does exist.

Haley musters up a smile, shutting her locker. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just tired."

Lucas nods, accepting her excuse so easily it makes her sick. "Late night?"

"You could say that," she mutters, holding her textbooks close to her chest. The corners are digging into her ribs, but it serves as a metaphor of her trying to keep herself together.

"Walk you to class?" he asks, already walking in the direction of their first period classes. A part of her is glad that he's moving past her lies, seemingly unbothered. But there's another part of her that wants Lucas to ask questions, to pry…to get her to crack.

Haley steals one more glance over her shoulder at the object of her affection. She feels it in her chest whenever she looks at him, that he's going to be the very thing that wrecks her, yet sets her free.

"Yeah, let's go."