And here it is, folks - the Ilah Fic! I've been working on this one for like...three years? So one of my faster-written WIPs, lol. I started seriously working on it about a year ago, tho.

Thank you so much to Stingrae for being such a fantastic beta. 3

This story takes place about 48 years pre-series, right smack in the middle of the war. Iroh's a teenager, Ilah's still alive, Aang's still on ice. This one is more of my kinda-crack humor, like in Weather's Frightful, But Fire's Delightful. So no warnings needed here for anything more than some background Fire Nation supremacy!

Enjoy!

Azulon knew something was up when he found his wife seated before a vast array of paperwork and portrait sketches, her expression set in an elegant, thoughtful frown as she perused each individual piece of paper. Also seated around the table were Ilah's ladies-in-waiting, Lo and Li, and her mother Rashmi, and her other mother Bhanupriya, each of them also carefully looking through the papers while sipping tea - or, in Rashmi's case, hot chocolate.

Azulon was no stranger to war. How could he be, when he'd inherited one? He'd been fighting battles and leading troops from a young age, he'd survived and succeeded in his fight for the throne despite his half-siblings' efforts, he'd driven the Water Tribe into hiding and conquered vast swaths of Earth Kingdom land, and he'd spent probably a good tenth of his life in war rooms surrounded by generals discussing strategy.

Right now, his instincts were screaming that whatever was going on here was no different. Ilah's study was a war room, her mothers and maids her generals. But what they were strategizing for, he had no idea.

"What's all this?" Azulon asked cautiously, hovering in the doorframe. He wasn't stepping onto this battlefield until he had intel on enemy, objective, and resources.

Ilah set aside one slip of paper in exchange for another. "Iroh needs a wife," she said mildly.

Alarm bells went off in Azulon's head. Oh, yes, he'd known this day would come, but still he wanted to protest - Iroh wasn't even seventeen, only just starting what was sure to be an impressive military career, there was no need to get distracted by a betrothal right now, they didn't need to worry about heirs, there was plenty of time, even Azulon and Ilah hadn't had Iroh until their thirties - and at that last thought the words died away. Having Iroh so late was honestly one of the stupidest things Azulon could admit he'd ever done. Letting the Fire Nation go for decades without a proper heir - no, that hadn't been a good idea at all. Oh, they'd had a backup plan should anything happen to Azulon, of course - but Cousin Ichirou had been less than thrilled when Iroh had finally been born after so many years. Azulon had had to deal with the joys of a newborn and a civil war, just because he hadn't put in the effort to have an heir sooner. They couldn't afford a repeat of that. At the very least, right now, they should probably think of who Iroh would be creating heirs with.

"I suppose you're right," he conceded.

"Of course I'm right," Ilah sniffed.

Rashmi snickered into her hot chocolate, and Bhanupriya's lips curved in a smug smile. Azulon ignored his mothers-in-law. "What're all these, then?" he asked, cautiously stepping into the room and gesturing at the papers scattered over the table.

"Profiles of young ladies I've deemed potential candidates," Ilah said. "Mostly noblewomen, of course, but also daughters of up-and-coming military and government officials - I thought it wouldn't be prudent to count them out when their family has proved their worth." The war was doing wonders for Fire Nation society's chances of upward mobility.

"That's a lot of candidates," Azulon said, approaching the table.

"I've been keeping our options open," Ilah said.

Azulon picked up one of the papers. "...This is a twelve-year-old."

"Very open," Ilah said.

"Open to the point of inconvenience," Bhanupriya said, eyeing the paper in Azulon's hand. "Ilah, you do realize we'd need to delay the wedding by a decade if we chose someone so young?"

Ilah bit her lip. "That would be a shame...but...I want to cast a wide net…"

Azulon looked at the papers scattered over the table. And desk. And floor. "I think it's more than wide enough."

"I told you, darling," Rashmi hummed, "keep the ages in a small range - it'll spare you a headache."

"I know," Ilah said, still hesitant, "but - but what if the perfect girl just happens to be twelve at the moment - "

"If you keep thinking that way, you'll go mad," Bhanupriya said dryly. "Listen to your mother."

Ilah pursed her lips. "Alright," she conceded. "Lo, Li, weed out anyone under age sixteen - no, fifteen."

Lo and Li went rifling through the papers.

Azulon handed them the twelve-year-old's profile and picked up another one - this one belonging to the teenage daughter of the Minister of Defense. "Well," he said, looking down the list of her qualifications - family history, military involvement, education, political networks, wealthiness, horoscope, personality, looks - "I can at least rest easy knowing you're being thorough."

"Oh, of course," Ilah said. "Nothing but the best for my son. I've been keeping tabs on most of these girls since Iroh was born!"

Azulon reached the portion of the profile listing the girl's academic performance and winced. How on earth had she managed to stay enrolled in the Fire Nation Royal Academy for Girls? "Maybe not this one, then," he said, handing the paper to Ilah.

She took it reluctantly.

"What?" Azulon asked.

Ilah actually pouted. "But she's six-foot-three."

Azulon blinked at her before looking back at the paper. Sure enough, there was an entry on the girl's height. "What has that got to do with anything?"

Ilah crossed her arms. "I will not have short grandchildren, Azulon."

He stared at her for a long, incomprehensible moment. "...What?"

"Genetics, Azulon! Think about it. Sozin was short. By some miracle you managed to come out decently tall, but I'm average, and our recessive genes combined still doomed Iroh to a life of being unable to reach the top shelf!"

"That's what servants are for," Azulon said.

"I want my grandchildren to be at least average in height!" Ilah snapped.

Azulon hadn't been winning a decades-long war by charging into every single random fight he was presented with. He knew when to pick his battles. "Very well," he said. "So height will be a main attribute."

"Yes," Ilah said, snatching the girl's profile from his hands. She looked it over for a moment before sighing. "But...you're right, her academic performance is terrible. I don't want short grandchildren, but I don't want stupid ones, either." She set the file aside.

Azulon looked at the plethora of papers still littering the table. "I'm sure you'll find plenty of suitable candidates," he said.

"Yes," Ilah agreed, a determined glint in her eye. "Only the best for my son. His wife will be perfect."

Azulon picked up another paper and looked down the list of qualifications. "Are you sure you'll be able to find someone who meets all your standards? Does someone that perfect even exist?"

"Well," Ilah said primly, "you found me."

o0O0o

The little peace Azulon's life still held was lost when it became public knowledge that Ilah was on the marital warpath. Azulon couldn't walk down a single hallway without being casually bumped into by some noble or official or officer whose niece or daughter or sister whom Azulon had no recollection of but had apparently glanced at once was doing very well in school or Firebending training or flower arranging lately. Azulon had taken to answering these not-propositions with noncommittal grunts and vague allusions to where he'd last seen Ilah. She wanted their son married, she could deal with the inanity.

After a brisk walk down a long hallway followed by a persistent Chief Secretary to the Minister of Agriculture, Azulon graciously excused himself to the No Unauthorized Personnel Allowed, Fire Lord And His Generals Only war room, which was currently empty and had no meetings scheduled in the near future. Azulon collapsed into a chair, desperate for a few minutes of peace.

"Long day, my lord?" someone asked, and Azulon looked up sharply. So help him, if one of his most trusted generals had seen fit to join in the matchmaking madness and come in here just to -

But no, it was General Kilohana on the other side of the table, and Azulon allowed himself to relax. "I am so grateful," he told her, "that you have no children."

General Kilohana smirked. "I have nieces."

"Don't," Azulon ordered, pointing an imperious finger.

"Ah, no need to worry, my lord, I was only teasing," she said. "Fire Lady Ilah has already regrettably informed me that the girls aren't as tall as she'd like them to be. Also, I'm not sure I would claim to have no children. I have your son, after all." She walked around the table and handed him a neatly-bound booklet.

Azulon took the report with a smile and carefully unfolded the pages. "How did he do?"

"He successfully struck terror into the hearts of the Earth Army," General Kilohana said smugly. "I haven't seen them that anxious in years. They grew complacent when you retired from the battlefield."

"A mistake they'll soon regret," Azulon said, reading a section detailing his son's dealings with Earth Kingdom officers.

"Indeed," General Kilohana nodded. "Sozin's blood is leading the charge once more. They'll learn to submit or perish."

"I see he's just as good with strategy in practice as he is in theory," Azulon said, looking over Iroh's accomplishments.

"He had some stumbles, but overall he has a good head," General Kilohana said. "He listened to his advisors and officers and was quick to change the plan when he saw it wasn't working. His objective is more important to him than his pride, and he was more than willing to learn from his mistakes. And it's become very clear that he really is a budding tactical genius." She gave Azulon a sly look. "Give him a few years of experience, and you won't even need me sticking around to hold his hand anymore."

Azulon snorted. "As though Ilah would let you go more than ten feet from him. I'm sorry, General, but you're on babysitting duty until you retire."

General Kilohana laughed. "Oh, I don't mind. If nothing else I want to see the leader he becomes. And he certainly knows how to keep things interesting. You raised your son well, he's a good person to work with. Even if he is his mother's son."

Azulon looked up from the report and smirked. "Tea?"

"So much tea," General Kilohana affirmed.

Azulon laughed and shook his head. "Ah, General," he said. "You know I'm forever grateful to you for keeping an eye on him."

"It's my pleasure and my duty," General Kilohana said. "I'd say it's no trouble at all, but...well, the boy does have a penchant for getting into trouble. But I don't mind one bit."

"Thank you," Azulon said.

She gave a respectful bow and left him alone with the report. Azulon watched her go, contemplating. He'd known General Kilohana for years, and not a day went past that he wasn't grateful he'd taken notice of the sharp young lieutenant under Ilah's command. She'd advanced through her own merits, but Azulon and Ilah had been happy to help promote her along until she was ranked high enough to be part of their inner circle. General Kilohana was without a doubt one of his most competent officers - level-headed, loyal, and brilliant - but she was also a family friend, and Azulon knew he was blessed by the spirits to have her in his life.

Maybe he did regret that she had no daughters.

o0O0o

It wasn't long before Ilah's obsession with finding the perfect daughter-in-law seeped into all aspects of Azulon's day. Breakfast was ruined when, without warning, she suddenly threw her spoon against a column with an agonized wail. The spoon struck the column's center perfectly and shattered, and Azulon gaped as the porcelain shards hit the floor before turning back to his wife.

Ilah's head was in her hands and she was emitting a neverending groan. "Hnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnghhhhhhhhh - "

Azulon stared at her for a moment before looking at Lo and Li, who, to their credit, were completely unfazed as they patted Ilah's shoulders.

" - nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnghhhhhhhh - "

Azulon looked to the side of the room to see that the servants were already sweeping up the remnants of Ilah's spoon, paying no attention to their apparently-mad Fire Lady. One servant quickly and quietly slipped a new spoon onto Ilah's napkin.

" - nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnngggggghhhhhh - "

Azulon looked at the servant girl who'd been serving them juice. She was blinking at Ilah in consternation, clutching her pitcher, but when she felt Azulon's eyes on her she turned and looked at him. For a brief moment, they just stared at each other.

" - nnnnnnggggghhhhh - "

Wordlessly, Azulon held up his juice cup. The servant obligingly topped him off, and Azulon gave her a merciful nod. She immediately bowed and backed away from the table with a grateful look.

" - nnnnnnggghhhhhhhh - "

Azulon drained his juice while he waited for Ilah to finish.

" - nnnnnnnnnnggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."

Her neverending groan of anguish finally came to a close, and Ilah inhaled, lowered her hands from her face, sat up primly, picked up the new spoon, and went back to eating breakfast.

Azulon stared at her for a full five seconds before asking, "Are you going to tell me what that was about?"

Ilah immediately threw the new spoon against the same column. Azulon closed his eyes at the sound of shattering porcelain and resigned himself to yet another fit - but Ilah, thankfully, started talking instead. "I was just thinking of everything I want for Iroh's wife and I realized - Jyoti! And Grishma! They would be perfect!"

Azulon blinked.

"Think about it - we know they get along well with Iroh, they're his age, they're both highly born and very intelligent, Grishma is a skilled Firebender and Jyoti can pin a thrown apple to a tree at fifty paces, they're good girls and kind and beautiful and of a decent height and perfect candidates in every way - "

"Except for the fact that they are your biological cousins' children?" Azulon finished drolly.

"Yes!" Ilah wailed, and immediately devolved back into another groaning fit.

Azulon stared at his wife a moment longer before getting to his feet. He walked past the servants who were cleaning up the mess of the second spoon, held his cup out to the juice girl for another refill, and made his way down the hallway towards nowhere in particular. Ilah clearly needed some time to get this out of her system...and he needed some time to pretend his life still had some semblance of sanity.

Iroh, he decided, as he finished his juice and left the cup on a garden railing for a servant to find later. He'd go find Iroh.

Despite taking a break from fighting at the front, Iroh showed no interest in slacking off during his leave. The boy - young man now, really - maintained a healthy balance between pleasure and preparation, and Azulon was as likely to find his son relaxing in the palace's hot springs as working out on the training grounds.

This morning it was the training grounds. Iroh was there with his grandfathers and several peacock-geese, running through the Open the Door form. It was the most basic form firebending had, but Iroh had a deep respect for the basics - a respect instilled in him by his grandfather Pransu, who'd won many a fight by sticking to the fundamentals of fighting and breaking flashier opponents' roots. Pransu himself was doing the form alongside Iroh, and grandfather and grandson were a flurry of hand strikes and kicks and short bursts of flame. Azulon gave them a wide berth, gave Pransu's prized peacock-geese a wider berth, and went to sit at the edge of the training circle beside his other father-in-law. Ajit had a tray of tea and snacks and a book and was completely ignoring both in favor of watching the Firebenders. One of the peacock-geese was taking advantage of his distraction to nibble at the cookies.

"I'm glad to see he's as disciplined as ever," Azulon said as he sat down, watching his son go from Single Arm Right Crescent Kick into Sparrow Flies Through the Eaves. Iroh's form was perfect as ever - not that Azulon had expected his son to go completely lax. It was hard to lose your technique when you were constantly fighting at the front. But if there was anything Azulon despised it was laziness, particularly among his own court. There was no room for lackadaisical nobles in Azulon's world, and he'd always impressed the importance of hard work and consistent training upon his son. Part of him had feared that Iroh might slack off upon his first foray away from the palace...but clearly that hadn't happened. "It's a relief he inherited my work ethic."

"He inherited Ilah's work ethic," Ajit hummed. "And thank Agni for that. The boy knows when to stop. Your work ethic is going to land you in an early urn."

"Bah," Azulon huffed. They'd see about that. Working was what kept Azulon going - he got antsy when he didn't have a project or a problem. Fortunately the war provided him with an endless to-do list. "I'm going to live to be a hundred just to spite you, Father."

"You were going to do that anyway to see the comet," Ajit laughed.

Azulon snorted but didn't deny it. It'd always irked him that he'd never truly gotten to experience the comet. The most amazing and sacred event per century, oftentimes a once-in-a-lifetime occurrence, and he'd been too busy being born to enjoy it.

"You should get in there and join them," Ajit added, nodding at Iroh and Pransu.

"Perhaps," Azulon said, watching fire swirl from Iroh's tornado kick. "Though they're doing just fine on their own."

"Scared Pransu might beat you into the dust?"

"Pransu hasn't been able to beat me into the dust in decades."

"Only because he spent years beating you into the dust before that," Ajit smirked.

Azulon smirked back. Prodigy though he was, he'd also been an uppity brat in his youth. General Pransu had taken one look at haughty young Prince Azulon and decided it was his personal mission to teach him that experience and honed skill trumped raw power, preferably before the young idiot got taken out by an assassin. Thanks to Pransu's practical approach to teaching, Azulon had narrowly made it to age sixteen.

It never ceased to amuse him how much Pransu swore by sticking to the basics, however, given that in every other aspect of his life the man was, in Bhanupriya's words, extra as a tree full of hog-monkeys on cactus juice.

In the training circle, Iroh and Pransu finished the form and faced each other for a quick bow. Then Iroh jogged over to the sidelines with a grin, Pransu following at a more sedate pace with his dumb birds trailing after him. "Father!" Iroh grinned, even as he beelined for the tea. He nudged a peacock-goose away with a foot, and the bird gave a disgruntled squawk. Pransu plucked a cookie from the tray and tossed it across the training grounds - the peacock-geese all swarmed after it, shrieking. Iroh turned back to the tea. "Did you want to join me and Grandfather? We're doing Mounting the Ostrich-Horse next."

"That's not actually why I'm here," Azulon said.

Iroh's grin was cheeky. "Are you hiding from Mother?"

"Yes."

Iroh laughed. "Has she found my bride yet?"

"Unfortunately, no."

"Oh, that's alright," Iroh said, sipping his tea. "I'm in no rush, you know. Honestly, I'd be more excited if she found me a dragon." He raised his eyebrows hopefully.

"Unfortunately there's very few of those these days," Pransu said, wiping sweat from his brow. Wordlessly, Ajit handed him a towel, and proceeded to watch Pransu use it.

Iroh sighed. "Well maybe if my elders hadn't gone and killed them all without sparing any thought for future generations…"

"It's a little hard to think about future generations when you're trying not to get charbroiled by a giant lizard," Pransu said dryly.

"I'm just saying, Grandfather," Iroh said, pouring another cup of tea, "you killed two dragons, Father killed three. You should have saved some for the rest of us! How am I supposed to become a Dragon if there are no more dragons?"

"Oh, there's still some left," Pransu said, waving the hand holding his towel. "No one ever caught that one that was terrorizing the northern islands last year." People had tried, but their attempts to win themselves glory and honor had been incinerated. Literally. "You'll have your chance, Iroh, I'm sure of it."

"The way things are going," Ajit broke in, "I suspect finding you a dragon might be easier than finding you a wife."

Iroh laughed and looked to Azulon. "How is Mother's search going?"

Azulon sighed and turned his eyes skyward. "Your mother is currently lamenting the fact that you are actually related, biologically, to your cousins, by blood, and that your shared genetics are the only thing marring what would otherwise be a perfect union."

Iroh laughed harder.

"I'm glad you can find this funny," Azulon said.

Iroh wiped tears from his eyes and grinned. "I don't know, Father. I love Cousin Jyoti very much and dearly enjoy her company, and I will not disagree that she is a lovely lady, but unfortunately we disagree on the validity of herbal teas. I don't think it would work out."

"And your cousin Grishma?" Ajit asked.

"I can only take so much of her idea of humor."

"Perhaps you should tell your mother that," Azulon sighed. "To reassure her that it's alright that your cousins must be out of the running. She wants you to have the best wife she can find, and she's distressed that she has two girls who meet her standards who she cannot even give a chance."

"Ah, Ilah," Pransu sighed. He slung the towel over his shoulder and looked to Ajit, who was bluntly staring at him. "Where'd our little sunburst pick up that perfectionistic streak, anyway?"

Ajit raised his eyes from Pransu's chest to his face and said, just as bluntly as he'd been staring, "You."

"I'm not a perfectionist! I just have standards."

"Standards that you passed down to our daughter."

"You say that like it's a bad thing."

"You told our daughter that she deserved everything she wanted if she worked for it, and then she decided she wanted a prince, worked for him, and eventually got his attention by almost getting herself killed on a battlefield," Ajit said blandly.

"You should really be thanking me for giving her good taste, then. Thank goodness she didn't inherit yours."

Ajit huffed. "You're my taste!"

Pransu waggled his eyebrows, opened his mouth for a snappy and probably extremely dirty comeback given the opening Ajit had just provided him with, and Azulon said tiredly, with the tone of a man who'd had to deal with all four of his in-laws flirting on a battlefield far too often, "If you two are going to start can you please take it to a private room?"

"Maybe you should join me and your son to keep me sufficiently distracted, then," Pransu said, and he clapped his hands and pointed at the training circle. "Sitting Tiger Pose, let's go."

Iroh immediately skipped to the circle. "Come on, Father! Join us!"

"When was the last time you did Mount the Ostrich-Horse?" Pransu asked.

"Sunrise," Azulon huffed.

"Welp, time to go again. Come on! You could use the exercise. It'll help you relax."

"Indeed," Azulon said, already halfway out of his robes. A peacock-goose that'd been pecking the ground nearby took his movements as a threat display and hissed at him. Azulon threw his shirt over its head.

"We're going to the hot springs after this one," Ajit added. "You should join us. That'll help you relax, too."

Azulon began to protest that no, he had work that needed doing and reports that needed reading and decisions that needed making, and then he realized that if Ilah decided to seek him out for more wailing, a relaxing hot spring would be the absolute last place she'd think to look. "Alright," he acquiesced, stripping off his undershirt, and he made his way to the training circle.

o0O0o

The next day, Azulon found himself dragged to lunch by Lo and Li.

"Explain to me why I can't just take lunch in my office?" he snapped as they escorted him to the smallest of the formal dining rooms.

"Fire Lady Ilah requires your presence," they said from where they trailed behind him. Sure, it looked like the standard three-steps-back of loyal and respectful servants, but Azulon knew they were just shepherding him.

"What does Ilah need me for?"

"Backup," said Lo. Or maybe it was Li. Azulon really couldn't be sure.

"Backup for what? Oh, Agni, is this an interview? I told her I didn't want to be involved in the interviews! I don't even know what I'd ask the girl!"

"This isn't for a girl," Li - or Lo - said as they reached the dining room doors.

"What?" Azulon blurted, and then Ilah was upon him.

"Azulon! Good, you're just in time! Thank you girls," she added, giving Lo and Li a dismissive handwave. She gave Azulon a once-over and frowned before reaching up to straighten his collar a bit.

"Ilah, what's going on?" Azulon demanded. He saw Rashmi and Bhanupriya already seated at the lunch table, going over some notes.

"Don't worry," she soothed, pushing him towards the table. "I just need you to sit and look foreboding. You don't even need to say anything if you don't want to! Actually, don't say anything. Just let me handle it all. I just need you here for dramatic effect!"

"I told you I didn't want to be involved in the girls' interviews!" Azulon snapped as she pushed him into his seat.

"This isn't for one of the girls, Azulon," she hummed, sitting down beside him.

"Mother of Agni, are you interviewing boys now too?" Azulon yelped, visions of how the insanity had just doubled flashing before his eyes. Then his logical reasoning caught up with him. "Wait - Iroh doesn't like boys! …Does he?" Spirits, maybe Iroh was taking after his grandparents and Azulon just hadn't noticed.

Ilah fixed him with an unimpressed look. "No, darling, your parenting skills are not that bad. Iroh is not interested in boys. However, I am very interested in this boy."

"What?"

"Hush. Send him in!" she called, and across the room Lo and Li bowed and opened the double doors.

There was a gangly teenager on the other side, well kept and decently groomed despite the few flyaways escaping from his topknot, and when he stepped into the dining room he moved with the assurance of a trained Firebender. His eyes glanced across the table as he came forward, from Rashmi and Bhanupriya to Azulon and Ilah, and Azulon thought he saw a flicker of confusion as the boy greeted them with a proper bow.

Ilah's red-painted lips curved into a smile, and the way her eyes narrowed in on the boy reminded Azulon far too much of the first dragon he'd killed. "Cadet Jeong Jeong," she said. "So good of you to join us for lunch."

"Thank you for having me, Fire Lord, Fire Lady," Cadet Jeong Jeong answered as he came out of his bow. After a moment's hesitation, he asked, "Forgive the question, but I was under the impression Prince Iroh would be here as well…?"

"Oh, Iroh's very busy right now," Ilah beamed. "He's out with his grandfathers inspecting the troops before you all leave in a few days. Important stuff but dreadfully boring and time-consuming. I'm afraid he won't be able to join us. But that's alright!" she said, still smiling brightly as she clasped her hands together. "I was hoping I could get the chance to speak with you in private - more or less," she added, glancing from Azulon to her mothers and back to Cadet Jeong Jeong.

Cadet Jeong Jeong was looking a little pale, Azulon noticed.

"You see, Cadet Jeong Jeong," Ilah continued as Lo and Li began to close the ominously-creaking dining room doors, "I have very many questions for you, and I was hoping you could help me with a certain project of mine. I understand that my son considers you to be his best friend, and, well, I could use someone with your...expertise."

Azulon was pretty sure he saw real fear on the cadet's face as the dining room door closed with a resounding clang. For a moment he looked like a rabbit-squirrel that'd dropped into a den of wolf-bats - except of course the den was the dining room and the wolf-bats were Ilah's goals. A second later, though, the initial fear and panic was masked, and Cadet Jeong Jeong looked Ilah directly in the eye. Intelligent boy, Azulon thought. And brave, too, as he responded, "It would be my honor to assist you, Fire Lady Ilah."

She smiled and gestured at the empty chair. "Have a seat, Cadet."

What followed was one of the most interrogative lunches Azulon had ever witnessed - and his entire life revolved around politics.

"Tell me, Cadet Jeong Jeong, is my son interested in anybody?"

Azulon barely suppressed a wince as Ilah went straight for the kill.

"Oh spirits," Cadet Jeong Jeong said, knuckles whitening around his chopsticks. "Ah, I mean - well, my lady - " He glanced around the table. Rashmi and Bhanupriya didn't even look at him - Rashmi was engrossed with her food in that way that Azulon knew meant she was listening carefully to every word to discern any hidden meanings, and Azulon was certain Bhanupriya was scribbling down notes under the table. Cadet Jeong Jeong looked at Azulon, and the Fire Lord met his gaze impassively. He pitied the boy, but he knew better than to get in the way of his wife on a mission.

"Surely there's someone you've noticed my son fancying while you've been out on campaign together!" Ilah insisted.

"Iroh's really not...uh…" Cadet Jeong Jeong trailed off uneasily. Not the most eloquent boy, Azulon supposed, but he was trying to find the proper way to break whatever news he had to Ilah, which was at least intelligent.

"Isn't there any nice lady he likes? Talks about? Makes eyes after?" Ilah asked, leaning farther and farther over the table with every question.

Cadet Jeong Jeong stared at her, eyes wide and properly terrified, and Ilah held his gaze for a long moment before deflating.

"...Anything with a skirt, huh?" she asked, slumping back into her seat with a resigned sigh.

"Yes ma'am," Cadet Jeong Jeong said quickly, apparently grateful that she'd said it for him. "No one in particular, just...uh..." He trailed off helplessly before stuffing a samosa in his mouth.

Ilah was small and sad and forlorn for another three seconds, and then her eyes hardened and she straightened up. "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, MOTHER," she snapped, whirling in her seat to scowl at Rashmi.

"My fault?!" Rashmi squawked, dropping her chopsticks.

"You've clearly passed down your obsession with pretty girls! How am I going to find my daughter-in-law if my son doesn't even have a preference?"

"What?" Rashmi asked, calmer now. "Am I supposed to apologize for giving my grandson the ability to appreciate all the lovely ladies this world has to offer?"

"YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO APOLOGIZE FOR RUINING MY DREAMS OF FINDING MY SON THE PERFECT WIFE!"

"Darling, I'm sure whoever you end up deciding on will be perfect - I mean, she'll have to be, the fact that the Fire Lady approves of her will make her perfect - and you know your son so well I'm sure Iroh will love her too."

"Oh yes I'm sure he will! Since apparently he loves all of them!"

"Since he obviously has little in the way of preferences," Bhanupriya spoke up, "he'll probably be grateful to you for deciding for him. I wouldn't worry so much."

Cadet Jeong Jeong was using Ilah's distraction to actually eat. Azulon applauded his efficient use of time. A lesser man might have merely gaped at the Fire Lady having a fit at her mothers. Granted, Cadet Jeong Jeong was still doing that surreptitiously, just...with food in his mouth.

"But if Iroh doesn't have any preferences because he likes all the girls then how am I to know I've found him one he'll truly love and appreciate and not end up hating after a few years - "

"Ilah dear, Iroh is so very much like you that anyone you like enough to invite her to be part of the family, he's bound to like as well!" Rashmi said. "And he'll have to settle down eventually, darling. After all," she added, daintily taking Bhanupriya's hand in hers and lifting it to her lips for an elegant kiss, "I did."

"You're incorrigible, Rashmi," Bhanupriya said, smiling slightly.

"Ah, but I believe I have proven myself quite corrigible, my love," Rashmi said, kissing a little farther up Bhanupriya's arm.

Azulon's eye twitched. He'd spent hours in a hot spring with his shirtless fathers-in-law yesterday. He did not need to see more of his in-laws' flirting. A glance at Cadet Jeong Jeong showed that he was also studiously ignoring the Royal Mothers-in-Law. Cadet Jeong Jeong met Azulon's eyes, and for a very brief moment they shared a commiserating look of yes, we really are locked in a room with these lunatics, but at least there's food before having another mouthful of lunch. Azulon was fairly sure the cadet had the better end of the deal - he didn't have to live with them, after all.

Ilah sighed and turned her gaze back on Cadet Jeong Jeong, who nearly choked when he realized her attention was on him again. "Very well, Cadet," she said, her voice as brisk as a drill sergeant giving orders. "Since my son seems to have no preferences as of right now, I expect you to be thorough when you report back to me on the subject."

"Report?" Cadet Jeong Jeong squeaked.

"Yes," Ilah said, a gleam in her eye. "I'm giving you a mission. You are to keep a close eye on Iroh and alert me to any observations you may make regarding his romantic inclinations. If he starts favoring one girl over the others, let me know. If you notice that he has a type, let me know. If you think you have any information that might be the slightest bit useful in finding him a wife - let me know."

Cadet Jeong Jeong stared at her. "Ah," he said, "I mean no offense, my lady, but you do realize that I am in the Navy, while Iroh is in the Army, so once he starts heading inland I am really not going to be able to stay with him - "

"Cadet," Ilah said, tone turning from imperious to imploring, "please. My son - your crown prince - counts you as one of his best friends. I would hope that means you want what's best for him, because what is best for Iroh is what is best for our nation. And as it stands, you are one of the few people who can possibly keep me informed on this situation. Can I trust you to carry out this task faithfully?"

Ilah's shift in demeanor did the trick. Cadet Jeong Jeong straightened a bit, rising to the occasion despite the fact that he was obviously still terrified of his Fire Lady. With a fervent nod, he assured her, "Of course I want what's best for Iroh. It will be my honor to assist you, Fire Lady."

"I'm glad to hear it," Ilah said, her smile satisfied as she withdrew something from her sleeve. "You have my permission to send all your reports to me directly." She extended her hand across the table, a small black obsidian token carved in the shape of a coiled dragon resting in her palm. "I'm giving you black ribbon clearance. Use it for all your messages."

"Ilah!" Azulon burst out, unable to help himself. Black ribbons were meant for messages of the utmost urgency only - and the fact that Ilah was handing out one of her own personal tokens of authority -

Jeong Jeong gingerly took the obsidian dragon from Ilah's hand, nearly dropping it into his curry in his shock.

"It's important Azulon!" Ilah snapped. Azulon wisely shoved a samosa in his mouth and said no more.

o0O0o

Iroh was only home for a short period of time - he was eager to return to the front, and Azulon was eager to send him, to remind the Earth Kingdom who they were dealing with. His son's few accomplishments thus far were admirable, and Azulon saw no point in holding the boy back when there was so much more to be done.

Still, he was going to miss Iroh. The palace seemed so empty without him.

"It won't feel as empty once we have grandchildren," Ilah said when Azulon mentioned it, and then she and her mothers went right back to plotting how they'd be conducting interviews.

Azulon...paused a moment, considering that. He'd never really thought about grandchildren, in the same way he'd never really thought about children. He'd assumed they'd happen at some point of course, noble descendents raised to continue leading the Fire Nation's greatness, but he tended to forget that they didn't just happen on their own, that it took effort to bring them about. Ilah had had to drag him off the battlefields and into her bedsheets, ranting all the while about how stupid he was for taking so long to produce an heir.

"It's a good thing your mother's taking the lead on this mess," Azulon told his son while they sat in the garden. It was a few evenings before Iroh was scheduled to depart for the Earth Kingdom again, and they were enjoying a peaceful cup of tea together that Iroh had made himself. The sun was an orange-purple blur on the horizon, but the lanterns strung through the trees had been lit, and the fireflies flitted about. There was a peacock-goose perched upon the garden wall, beautifully framed against the setting sun. "Agni knows if it was left up to me, I'd completely forget about it until my deathbed."

Iroh laughed. "You do have a one-track mind, Father," he said. "How old were you when I was born, again?"

"Older than you'll be when you have your firstborn," Azulon huffed.

"Ah, I don't know," Iroh chuckled as he poured the tea. "I've seen Mother's pile of candidates. It might take her forever to find her dream daughter-in-law."

Azulon accepted his cup with a sigh. "She's determined to have a fiance for you by the time you return home," Azulon said.

"Yes, I surmised as much."

Azulon gave his son a long look. "You wouldn't happen to have any preferences or suggestions yourself, would you? Anyone who's caught your eye? Someone you've worked with, perhaps." Azulon and Ilah's love had blossomed on the battlefield. Their intimate understanding of each other had come from years of camaraderie, their teamwork had been born out of multiple life-or-death situations where they'd only had each other to rely on. Iroh was young yet, but Azulon had been young when he'd first met Ilah, and if there was anyone in their son's life with whom he might share such experience…

But Iroh only smiled and shook his head. "No. I'm sorry, Father. There are so many lovely ladies, how could I choose only one?" he laughed.

Azulon sighed. "Then your mother will be choosing for you."

From somewhere inside, there came a screech of "I DON'T CARE IF SHE'S AN EXPERT TSUNGI HORNIST, MOTHER! SHE IS FIVE-FOOT-THREE AND THAT'S FINAL!" On the garden wall, the peacock-goose decided that was its cue to start screeching as well, and to Azulon's great annoyance the rest of the peacock-geese all over the palace grounds also took up the chorus.

Iroh grinned as the cacophony rang around them. "I trust her judgement completely."

First chapter down, three to go! My work schedule for the next two weeks is kinda rough, so I'm not sure when chapter 2 will be up yet, but I'll try to post it in a week or so. In the meantime, kudos and comments are always appreciated! You can follow me on tumblr at caelum-in-the-avatarverse if you wanna see me occassionally mutter about my fics.

Time for notes!

First and foremost, there's no homophobia in my Avatarverse headcanon, and I regard the comics as "friendly suggestions" rather than actual canon that I have to follow. So yes, my Ilah has four parents and they're all pretty queer. Rashmi and Ajit are her biological parents, they had an arranged marriage and a child for political purposes, and their actual lovers Bhanupriya and Pransu are Ilah's other parents. Ilah's intense personality is a direct result of having four parents who doted on her and raised her to be a badass.

I tried to make sure that you can see Iroh in all the grandparents, so here's a list of things he inherited from each of them - Ajit's chill attitude, Pransu's firebending skills, Rashmi's love of beautiful ladies, and Bhanupriya's strategic thinking. Also, you know Azula's smile? That slightly evil smirk of hers? She got that from Ilah, who got it from Bhanupriya.

The exercise Iroh and Pransu are going through is the Open the Door form from Northern Shaolin kung fu. You can check the full form out here: shaolin -1-hoi-mon/

"extra as a tree full of hog-monkeys on cactus juice" is 100% a nod to the line "gay as a tree full of monkeys on nitrous oxide" in Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman's Good Omens.

There's a lovely illustration of Ajit and Pransu that I commissioned from Raff, which of course I can't put on ffdotnet, so go to my tumblr or this fic on Ao3 if you wanna see that.

Raff is also a major Jeong Jeong fan and thanks to him I now headcanon Jeong Jeong as gay. (Go check out his fantastic comic, Introspections of a Deserter! Or his art blog at raff-s-art-blog) Please take a moment to pity poor young Jeong Jeong, who is being dragged kicking and screaming into this mess. "I JUST WORK IN THE NAVY! WITH SHIPS! WHAT DO SHIPS HAVE TO DO WITH ROMANCE?" oh you poor sweet summer child if only you knew.

You might recognize General Kilohana from Weather's Frightful, But Fire's Delightful - she really has been babysitting Iroh for his entire military career. You might also recognize Pransu from blow us all away, though he has a lot more personality here, lol.

I think a peacock-goose is the most terrifying animal hybrid I've ever come up with. The goose part is probably Canadian.

Worldbuilding! Allusions to political things! We'll expand on those later. I have lots of ideas on how the Fire Nation's political scene changed throughout the war.

Name notes! I went with Indian inspiration's for Ilah's family.
Ajit - Sanskrit - unconquered, invincible
Pransu - Hindi? - high, tall
Rashmi - Sanskrit - sunlight
Bhanupriya - Hindi - beloved of sunlight (lol I'm hilarious)

Ilah's family are all of the Yu Yan Clan, because I decided the Yu Yan Archers are their own people. Ajit, Rashmi, and Ilah all have the face tattoos. Pransu's a firebender so he's never bothered with the archery aspect of his clan, and Bhanupriya's main strength is her mind so she's not as much of a physical fighter.

Thank you for reading! See you sometime next week!