Chapter 10: Tony and Ziva – May 2023

"Do you think we went overboard?" Ziva asked Tony for the fifth time.

"Nah, the kids will love it. Besides, we can have the whole family over to play on it," Tony was checking out the simulated climbing wall on the backyard playset they'd had installed while the kids were at Grandpa Gibbs' house for the weekend.

"But, seven swings, five slides, the rope climber, three forts, two bridges, two gliders and one four person glider, plus the tunnels and picnic table are more than enough to keep all nine busy."

"Zi, they'll love it; trust me. If I were a kid, I'd be all over this thing!" Tony was slightly jealous because he had never had any swing set, let alone a backyard play center like this one. "A big plus is the life time warranty. This thing'll be around for grandkids, Ziva."

"Well, it had better be, for the ten thousand dollars that we paid for it. I still say we probably went a bit too far…" Ziva sat on one of the swings as she talked. Tony moved over next to her and gently cupped her face in his hands.

"Zi, think of all the memories that the kids and their cousins will make with this. One of my fondest memories is getting to play on a swing set in my Uncle Vincenzo's yard when we visited. I was about four and I had never even seen a swing set before. It was a little boy's dream come true!"

Ziva remembered the swings from her elementary school. "Yes, we had swings at my school; I used to love to swing high and throw my head back and look at the sky and the clouds as I moved back and forth. It was like I was in another world."

"See what I mean? I want our kids to have the memories that we didn't get to have," Tony got quiet as he remembered silent days and nights in his room with just a few toys to keep him company. He was not allowed to go outside when his mother was sick; going to a park was out of the question. The string of nannies after his mother died never even seemed interested in letting him play like a kid should.

Ziva noticed the distant look in her husband's eyes, "Share?"

Tony met her gaze, "Just remembering that I never got to play much after Mom got sick. Kids need to play; I didn't get that growing up…"

"I know; Eli's definition of play was to train us to be good little soldiers for the good of the country," Ziva tried to keep the bitterness out of her voice. "Our five should never have to know what it is like to have to grow up at a young age, yes?"

"Tali is almost nine; what were you doing at nine, Zi? I was usually sitting alone in my room with a few toys and my bear. That bear was all I had to talk to most days. I didn't even have movies any more unless there was one on TV. I had to become my own company and friend. Even that was hard to do after Senior told me one night when he came home drunk that Mom left us because of me. I hated myself for causing Mom to die…"

Ziva pulled Tony to her, letting him burrow his face into her neck and shoulder. She felt the wetness from his tears as she rubbed circles on his back and held him. Finally he sat up and wiped a hand over his face. "What about you?" he asked.

"I was training; learning languages, practicing tracking and survival skills with Ari; trying to please my father and earn his praise." Ziva fell silent, lost in a memory of having Eli yelling at her and Ima because he had caught Ziva coloring in a coloring book instead of practicing with hand to hand combat with Ari.

Tony watched his wife's face as her expression turned darker. "Tell me, Zi?" He put a hand under her chin and raised her face, making eye contact.

"It is nothing," Ziva started to protest. Tony nodded his head, encouraging her to share and let go of another hurtful memory. "It was Eli. I had been coloring in a coloring book that Ima kept hidden in her wardrobe closet. It was a picture of a kitten and I had many colors from a new box of crayons that Ima bought while visiting Aunt Nettie. I was sitting at the kitchen table when he came in the house."

"Ima tried to get me to put the book and crayons away in a hurry, but Eli spotted them and grabbed the box from me. He opened the door and hurled the box of crayons into the yard. Then he tore the coloring book in half in front of me. His eyes were filled with rage and he yelled at Ima and at me.

"I had never seen him so angry. He yelled so loudly that he woke up Tali from her nap. She screamed and cried for a half an hour because he scared her so badly. She was maybe a year old at the time. I wanted to protect her from him. He stormed out of the house in a rage. Ari came in from outside and he offered to help me find my crayons in the yard. When we went to look for them, we discovered that Eli had stomped them to pieces in his fit of anger.

"I went inside and told Ima that I was sorry that I had angered Abba and that it would never happen again. I would be a good little soldier and do as my Abba wished. Ima cried and hugged me, trying to tell me that it was not my fault, but I believed that I was the reason Abba had been so angry. It was my fault." Ziva looked into Tony's eyes, communicating in their own unspoken language.

"Oh, Zi, that little girl only wanted to be loved; she wasn't bad. I wish I could take all that away." Tony gently kissed Ziva's forehead and stroked her cheek with his hand.

"It is what it is, Tony." Ziva had made peace with her past to the point that she could share bits and pieces with Tony, just as he had done with his own painful memories. Each time they shared, a bit of the hurt slipped away and they healed a bit more. Each shared memory, good or bad, connected their souls even stronger. Together, they could do anything, including heal themselves and each other from the pain, hurt, and sorrow of the past.

A/N Hope you enjoyed this series; thanks to all who reviewed, favorited, followed, and just read along. This chapter plants some seeds for stories to come...