Warning: Angst at beginning (may be triggering to some), lighter afterwards.

Chapter 3

Snapping eyes wide abruptly, oval pupils slit from the uneasy restless sleep and-

Roaring keening broke from her already aching throat (was she already screaming in her sleep?), huffing harshly in and out through her nostrils and open snout, teeth unsheathed and bared in the dark cave the morning light from the opening of the cave casting small beams of warm rays across her panting tense body that she could feel quickly disappearing under the quivering rapidly taking over her sweating cold self.

Why...

Why Now?!

She vaguely felt how her expression was numbly stuck, sight blurring immediately upon awakening, absently feeling the sensation of something dripping down non stop her cheeks and plopping with no sound to the ground she was gazing at blankly with wide terrified eyes.

She could See them, but she- she can't-

Roughly striking her sharp clawed paw against her head, a wail caught in her throat from the overload of emotions mentally and physically as the force of it made her head snap to the side- but she could still see them yet-

No no no NO!

Why now, please god no, no no not Now!

But, didn't she Want to remember them?

Then- Then why does it hurt so fucking much?!

Bumping her forehead hard against the wall in front of her, she could only pant unsteadily at the sharp images too rapidly shifting inside inside and would not stop-

Leaning back, she rammed her forehead harder against the stone wall, feeling the tiny rumble it gave from the strength of it but only managing to breath in and out shakily, not even knowing her body wasn't stopping its tremors or that her wide wet horrified eyes were blankly staring down.

But shes not there, she could See them but she couldn't Be with them, they were Right there! Right... right There..

Oh god no no, please no!

A keening sound of wretched miserable warbled out from her trembling snout, attempting to shift with the intention of smacking her throbbing head against the solid wall again, barely taking a step before her whole body wobbled and gave out from her. She couldn't pay attention to the harsh meet she numbly had with the cool rock floor, nor how her head banged callously against the floor laying there, trying to just- Breath.

Can't they See her? She's right Here! She's Here! Turn around!

Unseeing eyes stared blankly ahead at the darkness of the cave, sharp images one by one crossing the other out, another taking its place and- and she could Remember-

Cringing her eyes shut uncomfortably tightly, a warble of stifled pain mixed with a snarl left her closed mouth, edges of mouth lifting up instinctively.

Lifting her head up weakly, she was able to tap her head against the ground.

Why.

Lifting it again, smacking it a little harsher down, ignoring the slowly rising soreness.

Why?

Their colors were brighter than she had ever seen and their happiness, their smiles at her-

Their tears, their suffering, their hands reaching for her when it was Her fault she-

Stumbling to her paws she leaned heavily against the wall, shakily taking in air, slight fog appearing with an exhale, dissipating with an inhale.

She- she needed to, she gulped down another desolate sob with her upmost will, Why why Why!

Wasn't this what she wanted?

Rising her head slowly, unfocused sight scarcely made out the light from the opening of the tunnel, some warm rays touching her abnormally cold body from the shifts of the tiny waterfall.

She always wanted to remember them.

Unknowing the despairing heartbroken expression on her face, how her pupils stayed slit because of her current chaotic grim mental state and her cringing features wet with trails of non stop hot tears refilling her wide eyes every few seconds.

She Wants to remember them!

Step by step..

The only sound in the cavern her unsteady breathing as she came closer, with pauses resting tiredly against the wall.

But not- not like This.

Staring straight ahead blankly at the thin sheath of clear cold water running downwards in front of her, almost seeing herself in the reflective liquid but not enough to be seen fully.

The features she used to have, so alike her mom in that aspect-

A sudden burst of sorrow hit her rapidly beating heart abruptly again from the images of her panicking mom sobbing for her while tightly clenching her desensitized hand and she felt so sad for her because mom I can't feel your hand anymore, I'm sorry.

Bursting through the cold water, with images appearing rapidly through her mind she could barely see ahead, tumbling down with weak flapping wings on the green grass in front of the mini waterfall hole, landing gracelessly and barely managing to stay standing on her feet, ignoring the dripping water over her cool body.

But she didn't shift her head up, leaving it bowled down eyes wide but unseeing.

Dad was talking to her but she couldn't hear him anymore and she could see in his painful expression that he knew, he knew what was going to happen and turned his head away, he never really Could stand to see his children hurt, but dad please, please don't turn away, not Now. Not Now.

Please stop. Please Stop!

The painful throbbing of her heart was the only thing she could hear inside her head, her ears tightly pressed down against her head unknowingly making the throbbing pain worse at the increasing tension surrounding her.

Not hearing in her state the curious and worried calling warble of a young green and yellow female dragon that was lightly resting atop the smooth long rock close by the edge of that grassy lane, spiky oval ears perking up at the highly tensed and emotionally distressed trembling dragon that stumbled out of her cave looking sickly and reeking of deep misery.

Not like this-

Dragging her head down she laid her forehead down on the grass, pressing down hard and keeping herself barely steady with her slightly weak arms holding her up.

How she had shut the front door on her younger sisters as she left, their crying faces imprinted in her mind. They didn't want her to go to work that day, her last hug to both of them, too tight and too emotional and was that her unconscious goodbye to them?

Sobbing out loud she raised her head swiftly, shook it roughly and began running rapidly to the edge, absentmindedly hearing a distant high pitched bark of surprise but it was nothing, nothing.

Nothing.

She thought as her wings weakly flapped, unsteadily wavering to the sides as she took to the air and she was so cold but she was colder before, what does it matter?

In the back of her strangely numb mind, she could feel her body instinctively going somewhere but at the moment she had no idea where she was going.

She's so sorry.

She's so so sorry.

Why did she wish to remember all that?

She was better off dead than living with the memories of her Before.

Where was the happiness in knowing she won't ever see or feel her loved ones again? Where was the relief that she should have felt from remembering? Why was only her more clear memories coming from before her death?

Be careful what you wish for.

Closing her eyes in a grim expression, she absentmindedly recognized that she was flying above a water source.

It didn't help keep the images away from her mind when she closed her eyes, but she felt so worn out.

Aches all over her cold body, head throbbing intensely, heart and chest hurting too much it almost stung to breath, and body feeling unusually numb.

Maybe water will refresh me?

She was using an excuse and she knew it, but she didn't care.

She didn't care anymore.

Allowing her wings to stop flapping their feeble attempts at the pathetic flying, with nothing to hold her weight in the air her body began dropping at a slow then rapidly picking up speed plunge, whips of sharp wind smacking against her body going down down.

She clenched her jaw tight in pain when her back hit the water with a rough brutal plummet into the cold lake, the strong gravity that was having her descend making her sink even more against the normal volume of this lake.

Opening her eyes heavily, now watching clearly the brightness of the shifting disturbed waves above her that she made.

A hush surrounded her as she stayed gazing up, almost serenely eerie floating steadily down.

She was so tired. Of being Here. Of not dying when she had to. Of not knowing who she is anymore. Of feeling her deaths repercussions over and over again with the memories playing over and over again.

Did she do this to herself?

She only wanted to keep the little piece that made her her, the only connection she had to who she was, to what she loved, to who she loved.

But no matter how much she tries, nothing is going to change.

She won't be with her family anymore.

She's not Her anymore.

Her non stop hot tears disappeared in the water and she could barely feel her body now, the images still clear in her fragile mind but she was trying to focus on above her, how the shaking waves gently began smoothing out on the surface.

The need to breath eventually ruled in after a few minutes, she blankly noticed the sting for the need to breath.

Keeping her head raised to the waves above, her lids gradually lowered to close to the rather peaceful view in contrast to her tumultuous mental state, and in resignation opened her snout allowing the cold water to enter at an increasing alarming rate.

She coughed unconsciously, her body's attempt to live still striving in the body despite the mind steadily shutting down. Not that it helped in any way, and she only prayed it would end quick.

Sensitive hearing even underwater picked up a giant splash sounding from a bit of distance above her, she didn't want to open her eyes, please no no, just let it Be.

This will be better.

The clear images from before of her other life were slowly fading to a grey black, and she shouldn't be so relieved that they weren't popping consistently in her head now.

But she was, because she wasn't ever going back to her before life, no matter how much she wanted to.

So, so tired.

Of wishing, of hoping, of praying. Of trying for a useless notion.

Vaguely feeling being tugged harshly, despite everything her last thought was a feeble curse at the being moving her upwards.

And then she blacked before she hit the surface.

Coughing harshly out the cold water in her lungs, she kept on coughing for a few seconds, not even registering she wasn't alone as she rolled to her side trying to balance herself while keeping her head lowered, ears weakly laying on her head and wings hanging flat low to the ground.

Her body trembled from the nerves of being revived from such an experience, and she tried to steady her breathing little by little eyes half lid gazing down at the grass beneath her now wet because of her throwing up all the water.

She was alive.

Apparently she wasn't alone, and the sudden roll of thunder (oh wait, that's a growl, she absentmindedly noticed) made her flinch, head slightly raising and trying to focus on the- oh wow he looks Pissed.

On the low hissing stiff puffed up form of Cloud, almost hovering over her in a threatening manner, and honestly she was so out of it her instincts were taking a backseat as she only gazed up at him instead of reacting in any way at the action, seeing from her peripheral view Valka sitting on her knees at a bit of distance from them while ringing her hands together in a worried fashion on her lap, wide eyes thoughtfully with worry gazing at both of them, getting somewhat the conversation occurring. She felt first she should leave the incredibly difficult stubborn female dragon to Cloudjumper, who looked very intimidating at this moment glaring down the smaller dragon.

"What were you thinking?" Despite looking like a pissed off wet giant owl, he still managed to sound composed (except for that underling tone of tension and anger).

She felt spent.

Blinking slowly, she turned her head back to stare at the grass in front of her.

She thought she'd be dead by now.

What does she do now?

A sharp nip on her shoulder blade had her yipping in pain, a growl of instinct rising up even though it was pretty weak sounding, similar to a malnourished puppy.

Turning her head back with a half-hearted glare she swallowed a little, "What do you want me to say Cloud?" Even to her, it sounded a bit lifeless.

His perceptive amber eyes narrowed, "I don't want you to say what I want to hear", his tone gentled and he laid down beside her, tilting his head closer to her, "I want to know what's wrong with you-"

Low snort, "You want a list?"

He ignored her and resumed as if she didn't interrupt him, "-Why you would choose to do such an action. Decide such a thing."

She steadily ignored him, iron will at its best in its worst moments. Her trembling had ceased by now into just minute tremors.

Perhaps she got more stubborn now as a dragon.

What startled her the most and made her freeze up completely was when Valka slowly stood up, walked to her side, sat down beside her (she didn't spare the human a glance, and Valka didn't try to touch her in any way), and just stared at her for a few seconds in a thoughtful silence, Cloud falling silent at her appearance sitting in between both dragons.

Valka was apparently waiting for the moment when the female dragon would glance to her, because the human kept her gaze locked onto hers in an upmost gentle way that had her heart beating painfully in her chest.

"Are you okay?"

...

Just those soft whispered words and-

Her view became suspiciously blurry, clearing before blurring again and she felt the hot trail they made down her scrunched up features, trying to not fall apart but- those words, that tone, she didn't know why it affected her so much.

And she fell apart.

A gut-wrenching whine came out of her sore throat involuntarily, uncaring that she lowered her head in a soft thud to Valka's chest, not focusing on the startled and astonished jump both the larger dragon and rider had at her willingness to touch Valka, but the human quickly overcame her sudden bout of apprehension at the females reaction, hesitantly lowering her hands to gently touch the females back head, waiting for a few seconds to see if she noticed and would allow it but by the hot tears flowing down Valka's shirt and the loud painful-even-to-her-heart sobs, seems Shya didn't even care at the moment.

So Valka gently began patting and rubbing Shya on the back of her head and side neck. (You couldn't blame her for being nervous at the sudden reaction of the female dragon, after all, this was the most difficult dragon Valka had dealt with in the few years shes been living with dragons. Not Once had this female dragon allowed her to touch her, not even be Near her. She's even been slightly hostile, if not outright aggressive when it came to voicing her dislike and aversion to the human female.) Whatever comfort she could give the currently suffering female dragon, even if afterwards she still wants to avoid Valka, that's fine by her, she never intended to give up anyway.

After a few minutes, her breathing steadied out from the long hall of crying she did, but what does she do with those images? Those memories?

"I don't want to remember anymore," She mumbled with wet eyes tightly clenched shut, another tear falling down joining the trail.

Few seconds of tense silence in which she doesn't move from her spot, nor do any of them say anything against it so she stays where she is, feeling her cool body ever so slightly prickle, warming back up from Cloud's close proximity and Valka's furry clothes.

"Remember what?" Cloud tilted his head back down, saying the words with a gentle baritone rumble.

Few seconds of tentative silence.

Whining deep low in her throat, "My past." She whispered almost non audibly, Cloud's ears twitching at the desolate melancholic sound of the words but she didn't see how he stared even more intently than before, nor how the human female faltered a bit at the painful sound but resumed her tender ministrations.

The kindhearted patting and touching from the human only made her eyes continue to water, why was she so kind to her?

Even after the way she treated her for so long?

Raising her head slightly, then lowering it with a soft thump back to Valka's chest.

Too kind and stubborn human.

"...Sometimes there's no other choice but to continue on." The voice of the woman beneath her head sympathetically said with a forlorn undertone to the unusually lax dragon resting it's forehead against her chest.

She gulped down her throat, feeling the rasp and briefly pondering that could the human now understand their words?

But the thought went away as soon as it appeared, replaced by the flash of her mothers indecipherable warm sounding comfort.

"We can only...live with it."

But how? When everything she Was is disappearing at the harsh reality that she's never going to be Her again? Nor see her loving ones again?

She didn't say the word's but the stifled whimper had her biting down and clenching her aching jaw shut.

Which translated the emotion just as well, if the way Cloud's low consolation purr increased in volume resonating in the close air between them and Valka's tilt of the head to rest against the side of her head showed that.

"...We find something to live for. Our past doesn't.. and shouldn't define us...only helps us in our present."

The humans grim tone indicated that this wasn't the first time she's thought or uttered those words, maybe to herself?

She closed her half lidded bleary eyes, unknowing when she had opened them.

Those are wise and true words.

Clear flashes of their smiles, their tears.

But it always sounds so much easier.

"You're not alone, Shya." Valka whispered, eyes watering from how much heartache she could feel and hear the female dragon was feeling, Cloudjumper giving a low croon of agreement.

Valka could understand from the warbles and painful sounding weeping the words behind them, and the meaning behind each hot tears falling and wetting her front (she cared little for it, more concentrated on giving what little comfort she could to the mentally tortured female dragon.)

"There's so much beauty in this world and I wish you could see that. Even with how cruel some things are, we live. You're alive. If we only focus on the negative of things, then we can't exactly call that life, now can we?" The female woman had always told herself so many comforts, Cloud helping whenever she would get too down over her situation at first, and now she feels as if maybe Shya is going through something similar despite their difference in species. Valka could understand dragons better than most however, so she easily sympathized with the female dragon, her heart thumping fast and hard in pain as well.

Her heart was easing from its throbbing aching, and although the images were still clear, she could breathe a little steadier.

Slanting her sensitive eyes open slightly.

...

She didn't respond verbally, swallowing again. Clenching her eyes shut and allowing the last of her hot tears to flow down onto Valka's now wet front.

What Can I do?

...Maybe she's..right.

If I could live with the thought that even though I'm alive, I'm not Me anymore... but I don't Have to be that person...that person died. And I live. And I can't ever be with Them, and They can't ever be with me.

It's the reality that's never going to change.

And I have to live with it.

But.. but I don't have to suffer my whole life with that fact.

I don't Want to...

Exhaling shakily out, lids slowly raised to show misty azure and turquoise staring hard down before with some hesitance she backed her head away from Valka's chest, the human letting her hands fall away to her lap with no resistance staring with warm worried green orbs at the female dragon not raising her head from where it stared stiffly at the grass below her, Cloudjumper falling silent only his low purr a distant sound in the background.

She peeked her eyes up to Valka's, wanting to shift them away immediately but forcing herself to stay in contact, baby steps.

Valka tilted her head a tiny bit in question, the mannerisms of dragons seems to be sticking to her she thought in the back of her now sort of still mind.

Parting her snout, she only breathed out for a few seconds.

"My name is Asena." Her voice came out as a low warble, definite in her decision while staring at the wide eyed look in both eyes, Cloud's purr stuttering to a halt and she would have laughed if this were any other situation. Valka's open mouth incredulity changed as soon as Asena's ears flickered back slightly. The woman shifted her features to a more calmer sort, though still having an air of small awe and appreciative, green orbs turning warmer and open mouth closing into a small genuine smile. Cloud tilted his head lower, warbling a gentle sound.

Her name may have been a part of the stabbing images, but it was the last part of her that she identified as.

The only thing she still had.

She lifted her head a bit more from its lowered position, letting her head gently tilt to the side while still pensively eyeing the completely serene woman just sitting on her knees with her hands on her lap, Cloud's low comforting purr a background comfort she thoughtlessly relaxed to, her body slumping in exhaustion from her mental stress ever since she woke up to the nightmare that gave her back the more clear memories that were the closest to her demise from her world.

And now that she had what she's wanted ever since she first came here, she now has to live with it.

White ears fluttered slightly to a half rise at Valka's patient sounding voice, "Nice to meet you Asena. My name is Valka, It's good to finally meet you."

Her smile grew with affection for the staring musing female dragon that had successfully evaded her since she arrived, the first time being so close to her and she felt an inkling deep within to touch her velvety like smooth scales again but she kept her hands firmly where they were in her lap. Just because the white cream colored dragon had allowed her to comfort her awhile ago, did not mean she would overstep until she's sure the smaller dragon would permit it without this grim situation over their heads.

As it is, Asena could only stare because after all these years, this woman's never given up on attempting to win her over has she?

Giving out only a huff of incredulous curt chuckle, her features softened a bit from her stiff pensive expression, dipping her head slightly to a small greeting nod.

And she gave a small croon full of grateful tones, the soft sound mixing with Cloud's baritone purr as Valka let her small smile turn into an radiant wide grin, eyes crinkling from its broadness.

Baby steps.