Be Brave

Chapter 1:

In the recesses of his mind, he knew chasing liquor with his sleeping meds was a bad idea. Everything felt off-kilter and topsy-turvy. He sat there on his couch staring at the tv blankly. The pills on the coffee table and a bottle scotch in his right hand. He stared at his hand and for a moment, he realized this must be how Luisa felt. Out of control and losing a fighting battle. He stared at the bottle in his hand and dropped it.

The crash of glass on the wooden floor bringing him out of his fog of self-pity. This was not the way to achieve self-care. More than anything, he wanted to go back to the man that he was last year. A man who didn't need booze or pills to feel like; someone who he thought he couldn't ever go back to thought he had put those habits behind him. Self-medicating was nothing new to him. But, it had been years since he felt like he needed to resort to such measures. But, here he was sitting in the dark, drinking and sulking about yet another destroyed had let himself get caught up in the emotional roller coaster that is Jane Gloriana Villanueva. Deep down Rafael knew that she wasn't the reason for his melancholy, but in the moment-he needed someone to blame. A reason for this overwhelming feeling of sadness that was enveloping him.

"Grow the fuck up and be a man!" said a voice behind him. He turned to see his father or some image his psyche had dredged up of his father. Although, he wasn't really his father, but the only one he had ever known.

"What?"Rafael replied angrily.

"You heard what I said. Grow the fuck up and be man!"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means gets your ass off the couch and get your shit together. I didn't raise no loser."

Rafael threw the bottle across the room and suddenly the haunting image of his father was gone and a startled Mateo came out of his room. He stared at his son and in that moment he knew that he'd screwed up.

"Go back to bed, Matteo. I dropped something. It's fine."

The young boy rubbed sleep from his eyes and groggily moved closer to where his father stood. "Papa, are you sad? You look sad all the time? Is mommy making you sad?"

"No, mama isn't making me sad. I'm just tired, so I need you to go bed so Daddy can get some rest."

Rafael picked him and carried him back to bed. Read him a story and once he was asleep, he knew what he had to do. Drinking himself until he was numb was no longer an option for him. He needed to be strong for Matteo and the girls. He was a father and despite his sadness, he knew that they had to come first.

A few days later, he was thumbing through a magazine that was laid out for patients as they waited to see the doctor. He looked to his right and an older woman with long hair was crying into a napkin. On his left, was a gentlemen playing with a piece of string. Rafael's first instinct was to get up and walk out that door. He felt like he was surrounded by crazy people. He knew he wasn't crazy, but he knew that his current coping mechanisms were not healthy and he wanted to change. Rafael nervously tapped on the edge of the seat and kept staring at the clock repeatedly. In his head, everything was playing on a loop and he wasn't sure if coming here was the right decision. Just as he had decided to get up and leave the nurse or receptionist called his name. She wasn't wearing what nurses usually wore, but his knowledge of psychiatrists were limited to the name of the person who subscribed Luisa's meds.

He followed the woman into a spacious room with a leather couch. He took a seat and and nervously tapped his foot. The psychiatrist was a man just a few years older than he was which made Rafael immediately distrust him. How much could he really know if he was so young. His mind was spinning and he sat there staring off in space he tried to control his swirling thoughts.

"Just let me know when you are ready to get outside of your head,"the man said as he crossed his legs. He wore brown slacks and a sweatervest.

Rafael surveyed him carefully. It was as if he was searching for flaw something to justify why he should leave.

"It's normal to be nervous on the first visit. Let's start with a few basic things. My name is Dr. Rothschild. But, you can call me David."

"David. Nice to meet you,"Rafael said as he put on his salesman charm.

The Doctor shook his head. "You don't have to do that."

"Do what?"

"Charm me. It's unnecessary. Why don't you tell me why you chose to reach out?"

Rafael wasn't sure if he was ready for all of this talking. "I'm not very good at all of this. But, I know I am not coping very well with things and I thought maybe you could help. But, now I'm thinking it was a bad idea. I just need to sleep. I haven't bene sleeping very well."

David nodded his head as he took notes on his ipad. He expected an actual notebook, but everything was so high tech these days.

"I'm not crazy."

"I didn't say that you were."

"But, you were thinking it or you should be. Heck, I'm surprised that I've managed to keep my sanity with everything that's happened."

Rafael ran his hands through his hair and leant forward. He wasn't sure he was ready to pour out his life story to this man. But, he knew that he needed to talk to someone so he started with Jane. David just sat there taking notes and nodding. Occasionally he would ask a probing question and before he realized it, the hour was up and the doctor asked him to come back next week.

Rafael left the doctor's office feeling a little lighter, but the overwhelming feeling of sadness was still there. He had a feeling that it would take a lot to make the dull ache of pain in his chest go away.

Rafael found himself going back to see David the following week which led to him agreeing to two appointments a week. Jane had shown up on his doorstep just after he had started taking his antidepressants. At first, Rafael was resisting take the medication because he never saw himself as the poster boy for depression. But, according to David, it was more common than he thought. But, it definitely took a toll on his body. He found himself oversleeping, being overly cranky and generally moody which surprised him because he expected that it would make him magically feel better.

He is sitting on the living room floor trying the breathing exercises that David recommended when he is interrupted by a knock on the door. The last time he found himself doing this was when he was dating Catalina and she had convinced him to do yoga. But, this was supposed to help him clear his head and somehow mediation was a lot easier to wrap his mind around then those ridiculous excercises that Catalina had him doing.

He opened the door and is breath caught in his throat because standing there was Jane and she was saying all the things he had needed to hear weeks ago. But, now he wasn't ready to hear it or even willing to believe it. He needed to protect himself. So, he steeled himself. His jaw was set tight as he took in everything she had to say.

"You are my now, my tomorrow, my always,"Jane said breathlessly. She tried to get it all out as quickly as she could.

Is she fucking kidding? I can't do this right now. I'm trying to get my shit together and here she is with some grand declaration. I'm done with this shit! I need to not let myself get sucked in by her again.

"It's too late,"he responds sadly. The heartbroken look on her face makes him want to take it all back and hold her in his arms, but he knows that he can't allow himself to open himself up to her again. He needs to focus on his needs and that of his children.

"I just don't trust you,"he says frankly and closes the door. Rafael turns around and he makes it as far as the couch when he finally breaks down.