What Remains

Chapter 18

Author's Notes: I know, I know! It's been a long time since I updated. But I do have reasons. Family road trip; waterparks, in-laws, massive lung infection (likely from waterpark), impromptu trip (in the middle of my vacation) to see my neurologist. I'm home now, but I'm still recovering from the infection and I've started a new medication for a neurological condition and it is kicking my ass at the moment. Also my dad's health is going downhill and we've had a number of scares in recent months, so if I disappear for a period of time there's a good chance it's related to family matters or my own health.

Tormund's kids are a combination of the show and the books, I mean who knows with Tormund? Does it matter? Also, trying to figure out how to deal with the nappy/diaper issue in a medieval world (small, weird detail but it really bugged me) led me to the history of the word 'diaper' and I'm going to tell you, I have a background in garment construction so fabric is my thing but by the old gods and the new! Was that ever boring!

Tormund's big ruddy face was alight with joy as he looked down at the small babe she held. She was sitting in the rocking chair; which Jon had padded with furs and blankets since she was still tender. For all his gruffness he seemed surprisingly gentle as gazed at a dozing Rhaenys. 'A babe is a blessing.' He said in the quietest voice she had ever heard come out of the big man. 'But they grow into little shits far too fast.' There he was, she scoffed in amusement. 'Enjoy her.'

'Do you have many children Tormund?' She had never thought to ask, Tormund was simply Tormund, she had a hard time imagining him as a family man.

'Aye, two sons, all grown now, and two daughters nearly grown.' He gave her a wicked grin. 'Etena and I have been working on a fifth.'

Dany laughed though she had no doubt he was telling the truth this time, Etena had certainly made her intentions clear enough. Tormund was the first visitor she and Jon had accepted since the birth of their daughters several days before; he had come 'round with food and begged to see 'the little dragon'. Jon had initially refused but Dany had called him in, she wasn't so delicate that she couldn't have company. Now the gruff wilding stood back up and slapped Jon on the back hard enough that she caught the wince he tried to hide. 'You did good Crow. She's a beauty like her mother.'

'Thank you, Tormund, we are both grateful that your people were willing to take us in.'

Tormund waved a hand in dismissal. 'The Crow here is one of us, even if he tries to deny it. And you; the Free Folk love a strong woman. You will always be welcome among us.' He pointed to the babe. 'And that one was born to us; we will always be her people.'

Daenerys smiled her thanks and returned to watching Rhaenys sleep as Jon bid Tormund farewell and thanked him again for the food. She had spent a great deal of time since her daughter was born simply watching her. She found herself constantly in awe of her existence which she would admit was slightly ironic; the mother of dragons awed by something that happened very single day. But her wonderment was tinged with traces of grief, she found herself wondering if Rhaego would have looked like his sister, if he would have made the same little grunts when he nursed, would he have stretched his hands to the sky upon waking as she did? If Jon had caught on to her dark thoughts, he made no mention of it though she had noticed that he gave her a wide berth at times; leaving her alone with her musings. She appreciated his desire to give her the space she needed, never pushing or demanding explanations but never so far away that she felt abandoned.

In her arms Rhaenys gave a yawn and opened her still-blue eyes, little fists flailing with a newborn's lack of coordination, she stretched her little legs and gave a grunt followed by a sickly-sweet smell that Dany was quickly becoming acquainted with. She sighed in exasperation.

'I'll take her if you would like to get something to eat.' Jon offered, having reappeared before her chair.

'She needs her clothes changed.' Daenerys told him.

'Aye, I gathered that already. If her grunting didn't give it away, your sighing did.' He leaned over and took her in his arms anyway, giving her downy head a soft kiss. 'I'll change her, you eat.' He insisted as he made his way to their bedroom. Dany couldn't help but smile at the sight, in the few days since her birth Jon had proved to be as devoted a father as he was a lover, she could hardly imagine Drogo volunteering to clean dirty bottoms or if she was being honest showing much interest in the babe at all beyond the fact of his existence. He certainly wouldn't have been pleased with the birth of a daughter but Jon seemed delighted. When she had asked him about it, he had shrugged and told her that he had never expected to be a father and having no name to pass down meant that he had no reason to want sons. Besides, he had said, I fell in love with a woman who was Queen in her own right, what could a son do that a daughter can't?

The thought of it still brought a smile to her face as she slowly made her way over to the table and its offerings. The food was hardly anything grand but it was hearty and she was grateful for it, she knew that someday soon she would need to find a way to contribute to this community that had taken them in though she had no idea how. Jon hunted with Tormund and some of the other men, he helped with repairs to some of the buildings and Tormund had mentioned something about him teaching some of the children to fight in the near future. Dany though had no skills she could use to contribute to life here; she had never been taught to sew or cook, her weaving was not exactly refined and she would prefer never to skin anything else. She wondered if perhaps she could help with the livestock. Surely rising dragons qualified her to tend rabbits and goats?

She was idly considering the possibility while she ate the roasted meat and roots, her appetite had not abided now that the pregnancy was over. In fact, at times she swore she was hungrier now, the midwife assured her that was normal. For the milk, she had said.

'What are you thinking about?'

Jon's voice startled her from her thoughts, she hadn't heard him return but there he was, Rhaenys curled up against his chest with her head on his shoulder, he held her here with one arm, hand supporting the back of her head. She looked comically small against him and she wondered how something so tiny could mean so much.

She shook herself out of her reverie as he continued to watch her, coming to sit in the other chair and shifting the babe to lay in the crook of his left arm so that he could eat as well. 'I was thinking about everything the Free Folk have done for us and wondering what I can do to help out here.'

'I don't think you need to worry about that right now.' He told her. 'They see you as a hero and you've just had a baby.'

'I know that but… I'm not like you, I don't have skills that can benefit the people here, I don't fight, I don't cook or sew or hunt, I don't know how to repair buildings or till the land.'

Jon didn't dismiss her concerns which she could admit stung a little, even though she knew she was right in her assessment. Instead he was quiet for a while, gently bouncing the babe when she squirmed. 'You ruled in Meereen. You heard petitioners and settled disputes?' He asked.

'Well, yes. But I have no business ruling these – '

'I'm not suggesting that you do, but there are over a dozen different tribes in this valley right now, many of whom have been fighting each other for as long as they can remember, Tormund has already voiced his concerns to me about the infighting.' He sighed. 'It was Mance who brought them all together and that was under the threat of the whitewalkers. Tormund is good with his own people but I think he'd be grateful for some advice now and then.'

Daenerys eyed him sceptically, she wasn't sure if he was telling her the truth though she admitted to herself that he wasn't known for lying. 'You really think Tormund would welcome my advice?' She asked. She wondered at this new side of her, this uncertain doubting side. For so long she was so sure of her actions and the rightfulness of her plans.

Look where that led

She sighed, perhaps it was for the best; this newfound caution.

'I'll talk to him about it. I'm sure there are a lot of things Tormund would rather be doing besides keeping the Hornfoots and the Nightrunners from tearing each other apart.'

'Will they listen? If they realize it's coming from me?' She asked, she had dealt with that all her life, men and their inability to take orders from a woman.

'You rode a dragon, they'll listen.' He replied with certainty.

She gave him a slight smile which grown in size as she turned her attention to Rhaenys, she stretched out her arms and took her from her father, bringing her tiny form to cradle against her chest as Jon had done earlier, though she required two arms, she kissed her downy black hair and breathed in her baby scent letting the happiness wash away her earlier worries. This is what she had wanted, back before she had wanted a throne, before Viserys had sold her innocence for an army; a home, a family, a man who treated her kindly and a babe of her own. Now in this place with all the titles stripped away she wondered how things had gotten so far out of hand. How had she become so hells bent on capturing the throne that she was willing to sacrifice innocent people; families just like the one she longed for, to see it come true?

Grief, grief over her dragons; her beautiful magnificent sons, grief over Jorah and Missandei, Grey Worm and so many others she couldn't even name them all. Grief over the loss of her power, her armies and what that had represented to her. Grief over Jon and what she perceived to be the loss of their love. She had felt as though she were tripped in a maelstrom, the ever-changing landscape leaving her no time to catch up, everything had been chaos; inside her head and out. She couldn't see that every step she had taken to try to control the situation had only made things worse because she couldn't stop long enough to do so.

Now everything was quiet, blissfully, peacefully quiet. She had felt her so long that to be stripped of her titles and her power would leave her vulnerable and naked. Instead she felt oddly safe and centered here.

'You're very quiet tonight.' Jon commented after a time.

'Introspective.' She corrected him. 'I've been thinking about many things.'

He looked concerned for a moment, until she flashed him a genuine smile. 'I'm alright Jon. You brought me up here to heal, to do that I have to think about the past.' She gave him a meaningful look. 'You will have to deal with yours as well one day.'

'Aye.' He agreed which surprised her. 'One day.'

She stood and walked over toward the hearth and her loom, swaying slightly in a way the babe seemed to like. 'Sometimes I wish we had more family to share her with.' She admitted. 'Missandei would have loved her.'

Jon gave her a sad look. 'I'm sure you're right.' He scrunched up his face in thought for a moment, a comical expression on his handsome features that she was sure few people ever got to see, normally he kept his expressions neutral even with her. 'I hadn't thought much of it. When I think about my sisters…' He shook his head. 'Sam perhaps, but even that doesn't feel the same anymore. Davos would love her.'

'What about your uncle?' She asked curiously.

Jon titled his head in thought. 'You mean Lord Stark?' He asked, though she was sure he already knew. The subject of Ned Stark was not one they had truly breeched and she wasn't sure how to refer to the man, perhaps it would have been best to stick with titles She nodded to answer his question. 'I'm not truthfully sure how my – he would feel about any of this.' He told her honestly, his voice was even but she knew him well enough by now to hear the emotions underneath, the self-doubt and the uncertainty that surrounded his relationship with the Starks.

'Ser Berristan once told me that Lord Stark resigned as Hand because Robert ordered my assassination while I was pregnant with Rhaego.' She said softly. 'The small council backed it, all except Ned Stark.'

Jon looked down at his mug, closing his eyes for a moment, then he nodded and looked back up at her. 'Aye, that sounds like him.'

She regarded him gently. 'It also sounds like you.' She told him; he gave her a weak smile in return. 'Do you think he tried to protect me because I was your kin?' She asked.

Jon gave the question some thought, hand tracing a rough spot on the horn of ale. 'I doubt it, he would have done what he thought right regardless of your connection to me. But would it have stayed his hand if he truly believed you a threat? I don't know. I never will. I wish…'

'Wish what?' Though she thought she already knew.

'I wish I could talk to him, there's so much I don't know, so many choices I wish he could explain to me.' He shook his head. 'He took so much to the grave with him.'

'Jon…' She began. But he shook his head.

'Some day.' He told her rising to join her across the small space. He pulled her into a loose hug, careful of the baby between them, he swayed with her and kissed the top of Rhaenys' head before giving her a gentle kiss on the lips. 'Someday I will deal with it all, But not this day. Tonight, I plan to sit by the fire with the two women I love most in this world and enjoy my good fortune.' He gave her a slightly crooked grin. 'Besides only one of us should be introspective at a time. The other one has to clean the baby's bottom.'

She gave a rather unqueenly snort in amusement and leaned her head against his shoulder. 'Perhaps I can put my own thoughts away for the night and join you in enjoying our good fortune.' She suggested.

'I would like that.'

'So would I.' She whispered.

And so, they did.