I had to get this out before it consumed my soul. I can't believe I didn't cry writing it, because I have cried just thinking about it off and on for over a year. Somewhat inspired by Chancy_Lurking's Blunted and Blurry on Ao3, though I had a bit of an idea for the story before I read that masterpiece. It just put a lot of the feelings into words I understood.

Bumping along up on Daddy's shoulders, Syaoran could see so far. He could see almost all the way down the street, past the good climbing tree, past the pond where he liked to feed the fish, and even to where the big mailbox was where he had to stand on his tiptoes to drop letters inside.

Syaoran liked being this tall.

Large hands encircled his ankles, grip never faltering, and his heart held no fear of falling. His own small hands sat atop his father's head, and he was mindful not to pull on the dark hair there. He was big enough to know better than that now.

A hot summer wind bowled into them, pushing against the walking trio like a physical wave, heavy and humid. Syaoran laughed soundlessly into it, feeling it tug at his shirt and brush between his bare toes. The trees around them roiled and shivered in a haze of green.

It was so hot, maybe they could get ice cream. Or frozen yogurt pops.

Everything slowed and there was a field, cool voices whispering secrets Syaoran couldn't make out. The street was far behind them now and the sky grew dark, all tempting swirls of blue and black and purple. The stars spread out across the sky so bright and colorful and so close Syaoran felt like he could reach out and touch them. Hands reached up for him and Syaoran leaned into them, letting gravity pull him to Mommy's hip.

Sleepy, he tucked his head into Mommy's neck. His mother's arms cradled him in the quiet. Syaoran draped his arms around Mommy's neck, tangling his fingers in his long, blond hair. Mommy didn't mind it so much if he played with his hair. Mommy was always so patient with him. The silky strands poured over his little hands, reflecting the starlight. A cheek pressed soft against the crown of his head.

Daddy said something that made Mommy laugh, their voices indistinct and muffled. Syaoran wanted to close his eyes. This was good. Everything here was good and safe and happy and the world was quiet, so he could just rest…

Syaoran blinked, thrown off by the morning sun slanting in through the wooden blinds. His throat was dry with sleep and his body heavy, the rough fabric of this world's blankets pressing in on him.

A bird called from outside the window and Syaoran inwardly flinched at the sharp sound. Everything was too sharp, too rough, too bright. His chest ached. This felt wrong. He wanted to go back, but that… that had been a dream? A soft, sweet dream of love and innocence, and it was not the truth.

Syaoran knew that it wasn't real, and yet his heart hurt from being ripped away from it all the same.

A crisp autumn breeze whistled in the cracked window. Syaoran curled in his bed, ducking his face into the covers. A bit of embarrassment brought a flush to the back of his neck. He'd been having sappy dreams about Kurogane and Fai while they were right there-

Weren't they?

Syaoran peeked up, his heart doing a complicated flip when he took in their empty bed. He was alone.

Unbidden, tears welled up in his eyes.

He was alone.

Curled the way he was, his bed felt too big. The room was too big. The cabin, the world, every world, everything was much too large. The universe stretched around him until Syaoran was sure he was just a speck. He knew Kurogane and Fai had just gotten up to make breakfast, but the inexplicable feeling of having been abandoned grabbed him tight and would not let go.

The first tear made its way down the curve of his cheek and his breath began to speed up. He wanted Kurogane's calming presence. He wanted Fai's reassuring smiles. He wanted Kurogane and Fai. He wanted his-

Syaoran froze, his dream washing over him with a crash of horror.

He'd been thinking of them as his parents. As mother and father. As Mommy and Daddy and that…

That was unforgivable. He had parents. He had parents who had loved him, and he loved them. Syaoran was trying to get them back. They were not something that could be replaced. He could never. But here he was dreaming blissful scenes where he grew up with Fai and Kurogane and he couldn't lie to himself, his heart yearned for that to be real. For that loving family to be a memory instead of an impossible dream.

Guilt for his own treacherous emotions clawed at his throat. He pressed his face deep into the starchy pillowcase, hiding his tears from even himself. Except the harder he tried to squash the feeling down, the harder he fought the tears, the bigger and more terrifying the ache in his chest grew.

"Syaoran?" A little voice slurred. Mokona must have been asleep in bed as well. That was not good. The empathic creature would be able to read every awful emotion he was feeling. Syaoran childishly pulled the covers over his head as if they could protect him.

"Syaoran? What's wrong?"

The blatant concern in Mokona's tone tugged at his heart. The boy wanted to take a few deep breaths and tell Mokona that everything was okay. To go check on breakfast and that he would be there in a few minutes. That was the plan anyway.

Syaoran shuddered with the effort of slowing his breathing, and when he opened his mouth to speak, what came out instead was a soft wail that turned into a sob.

"What's the matter, Syaoran?" Mokona's little paws pressed down on the blankets fretfully.

Syaoran bit his lip and turned his damp face into his arm, shaking. It was getting hard to breath under the thick sheets, but he kind of deserved to be uncomfortable, right? He could only remember a few short years with his real parents, and then he had agreed to leave them. To live in Clow. And then he'd replaced himself with Kimihiro, something Fei Wong declared would bring them all sorrow. He had chosen to cause his parents pain. And when they came to fight Fei Wong, to break the looping time… If he hadn't been born their child...If it had been anyone else… The loop would never have formed. They would not have had to sacrifice themselves for him. They could have lived happy, full lives on their own with any other child.

Why did it have to be him?

Even if he couldn't change that, he could at the least respect Sakura and Syaoran's sacrifice by doing everything in his power to return their souls to them.

Instead he was dreaming of other parents.

Syaoran was suffocating under the weight of his own thoughts. He felt sick with guilt, tears spilling unchecked through his closed lids.

Footsteps sounded just beyond the bedroom and Syaoran froze. He held his breath, terrified to be found in such a state. Mokona must have gone to get the others when he didn't answer. Panic quickly took over, wrenching gasps from his lungs. He needed to calm down. He needed to stop crying. He was going to worry everyone needlessly. It was okay for him to be alone. He deserved it.

The problem was he didn't want it.

With frightening desperation, he wished Fai and Kurogane would sweep into the room and banish his fear and guilt. Wished they would magically wave away his tears and forget any of this ever happened. Would never ask about the dream that set it all off.

"Syaoran?" Fai asked softly, as if unsure if he were awake. "Mokona said you were upset, is something wrong?"

Syaoran didn't know what to do. He wanted to reach out, but he was afraid. His eyes wide, he stared sightlessly at the folds of the sheets, backlit by the morning light. With breaths as loud as his, there was no way anyone would believe he was sleeping if he didn't answer.

"Kid?"

Kurogane was there too.

Syaoran was paralyzed with indecision.

"Syaoran is sad and lonely and guilty and afraid and its making Mokona's belly hurt," Mokona sounded close to tears.

There was a beat, and then heavy footsteps came a little closer.

"Kid, I thought we were done with this. How many times do I have to tell you that whatever this is, whatever you're holding in right now? Its okay. Stop being an idiot and just tell us."

Syaoran could only respond with a choked sob. He screwed his face up in a last-ditch effort to keep it all in. It wasn't okay. Nothing was okay.

Nearly silent padding sounded across the floor and then the mattress dipped under Fai's weight settling by his knees.

"Syaoran?" Fai was too kind. It hurt.

The covers were tugged gently, and he let them slip from his fists. Fresh air washed over him, cooling the tear trails on his face. He shivered.

"Oh, Syaoran…"

Syaoran wiped at his cheeks with the backs of his hands furiously, rolling onto his back and fixing his stare on the ceiling. He could feel Kurogane and Fai's eyes on him and it made him feel raw, exposed. The tears fell faster. He couldn't keep up anymore. The people he wanted were here and that was so good and so bad at the same time.

Brow furrowed, Fai reached out a hand to brush the hair from his forehead. Syaoran twitched away before Fai's delicate fingers could make contact. He saw the mage lean back through his haze of tears, exchanging a look with the dark shape that was Kurogane. Syaoran's chest ached so badly. He didn't know why he had moved away. He wanted to take that back. Please. Please don't leave.

Everything hurt.

His stomach cramped suddenly, and he scrambled to his knees, afraid he would throw up. The boy heaved in an unsteady breath, lightheaded with the change in position. He sat back and looked at his traveling companions for the first time. Both their faces were twisted with worry. Mokona sat on Kurogane's shoulder, tears lining its eyes and ears drooping.

Under their intense gazes, the feeling of smallness returned. Syaoran felt as if he had been untethered from the earth, like he could float away into the huge expanse of the universe that was everywhere and nowhere at once. The bed beneath him was not enough to ground him to this world.

The mounting terror must have shown on his face because Kurogane took a step towards the bed, hand coming up like he could grab Syaoran before gravity released its hold on him and he lifted off the mattress.

"Kid, you're okay-"

It wasn't enough.

Before Syaoran could process what he was doing, he had thrown himself at Fai so hard he nearly knocked the both of them onto the floor.

And he cried.

He cried for his parents. For himself. For the childhood he could have had. For the future he would never achieve. He cried while Fai held him and rocked him and let Syaoran tangle his fingers in his shirt. He kissed the top of his head and shushed him. Kurogane sat close by, his hand firmly on his back. Holding him here.

How could this be bad? Why couldn't he just enjoy the feeling of someone's arms around him without drowning in guilt? Wasn't it possible that his parents would be happy that he was with people who cared about him? Maybe they would rather it be this way.

The fact that he may never know struck him. Syaoran wept, his guilt flowing out of him endlessly.

Fai embraced him tighter, unrelenting in his soft assurances. Mokona moved to the boy's shoulder, hugging him as much as Mokona's tiny arms would allow.

"Shit, kid. You're alright. We've got you. This is why you shouldn't bottle everything u-"

"Not now, Kuro-sama," Fai chastised.

Syaoran shook his head, lifting it slightly to wipe at his wet face.

"I didn't mean to," He gasped. "I just- It wasn't… That wasn't what I- I just didn't mean to, I promise."

He turned in Fai's lap enough to land a pleading look on the ninja. He couldn't take it if Kurogane was disappointed in him.

"Damnit, I'm not mad at you." Kurogane grumbled, clenching his free hand into a fist and shifting closer.

"What Kuro-pin is trying to say is that when you feel like you can, we'd like to know what's troubling you so badly."

Syaoran nodded. He knew that. He just had no idea how to even start talking about how he felt. Everything was mushing together in a stew of misery. He was aware that things he was thinking didn't even make sense, but he couldn't help it.

"I know," His voice was raspy. He pulled in as steady a breath as he could, breathing out, "I had a dream."

Fai's face creased with sympathy.

"A nightmare?"

Feeling shy, he looked down at the bed and shook his head.

"No? A good dream, then?" The mage's voice was curious.

Syaoran's lip wobbled and he made himself nod, eyes misting over again.

"So, you had a dream that was too good to be true, and waking up sucked, huh?" Kurogane's words were brash, but his tone was understanding.

That was the catch, wasn't it? While Syaoran couldn't go back in time (that was unforgivable too) and relive his childhood with different parents, there was nothing stopping him from living that reality now except himself. He was too afraid to ask such a thing from his companions. They had already given up so much to keep him company, forced to never settle down until his price was fulfilled. If that ever happened.

He gave a miniscule shrug, turning up his hands that lay in his lap in the smallest gesture of unsurety.

"Then what is it?" There was no judgement in Fai's question.

Another round of tears dripped down to his chin, silently this time.

"I shouldn't… I feel like I don't deserve it."

Kurogane and Fai only looked at him, letting him talk.

"I feel like I've done something wrong," He admitted, aware that he hadn't quite done anything. "And you're already giving up so much to be here- I don't want to overstep any boundaries. I shouldn't have… I can't-" A sob took his breath away.

Kurogane's thumb rubbed back and forth between his shoulder blades.

"I can't replace them, I can't…" His shoulders slumped, his head hanging in shame. "But I… I love you too."

He squeezed his eyes shut. His heart clenched.

There was quiet. Only the rustle of the yellowing leaves outside the cabin made a sound.

Syaoran startled lightly when smooth hands cradled his face, and he looked up into Fai's blue eyes.

"Hey, hey… Syaoran… There is no rule that says you can only love so many people. Loving Kuro-daddy and I doesn't mean you're replacing your parents. It okay to have us both."

Syaoran's face crumpled and he felt weak and wobbly with relief. He let his head drop to Fai's collarbone. The mage let out what may have been a rather wet chuckle, gripping the back of the boy's neck. Mokona hummed happily, nuzzling against Fai's hand.

"Syaoran can have as many families as Syaoran wants! Everybody loves him and doesn't want him to be lonely anymore, right?"

"Can't argue with that I guess," Kurogane said, sitting back.

Syaoran choked on a laugh, tears still streaming. He brought his arms up and hugged Fai properly, less desperate. Fai swept him up with an airy laugh, eyes twinkling.

"As if there could be limits on love…"

"You may not be ours, but you're stuck with us now, kid. Hell if we're letting you out of our sight." The ninja growled protectively.

"I'm glad…" Syaoran peeked up at his family, grateful to be surrounded by such kind people. "I'm so glad. I'm sure this isn't anything like what you two wanted for yourselves, but I'm just so happy you're here with me."

Fai scoffed playfully.

"I don't know what Kuro-tan imagined his life would be like, but I promise you this is so much better than anything I could have imagined," The magician smiled warmly at Syaoran's bewildered face. "I have a drunkard husband, and a silly son who has no idea how much people care for him, and a Mokona who is the best Mokona there ever was."

"The manjuu drinks more than any of us, don't know what crap you're spewing," Kurogane stood and pressed his hand to Fai's face, shoving him back onto the bed and glaring down at him when Fai dragged Syaoran along with him.

"Ahhh~ Kurogane is so violent!" Mokona belly-flopped onto the mattress. "How mean to Mokona!"

Syaoran no longer knew if he was laughing or crying, his insides were a swirling mess of heartache and thankfulness. All he knew was that the hurt had lessened, and no one was angry at him for being so needy.

"C'mon, kid. Lets get some food before the pork bun eats it all," Kurogane clapped a hand to his knee before heading back to the kitchen.

"As if Mokona would do such a terrible thing! Mokona only eats as much as Mokona needs!" Mokona leaped off the bed and followed Kurogane, defending its veracious appetite all the while.

Syaoran huffed a couple steadying breaths, wiping the last of his tears on his sleeve. Fai untangled his limbs from Syaoran's, sitting himself back up and looking to the doorway. When he turned back, there was the smallest hint of hesitation in his eyes.

Uneasy, Syaoran pushed up to his knees.

"I know… that we weren't what you were hoping for, for your future. I want you to know its alright to be sad. Its alright to be angry at the way things turned out. But you aren't alone, and Kuro-rin and I are here to help in any way you want us to," Fai whispered.

Syaoran sniffed, shaking his head.

"There were times… when I would pretend I could save Sakura and stay in Clow, or even go back home. But- but a lot of the time that I was with… with him, I was terrified I would never be able to get out. I was scared that I would stay there forever. I knew no one was coming for me. It was a price, not a punishment, so no one could save me from it. There were times I thought Sakura would die and it would be my failure…"

He looked up at the mage's pained face.

"So, this is a lot better than what I imagined too."

Fai closed his eyes for a moment, expression twisting before straightening out again. He placed his hand over Syaoran's smaller one on the blankets.

"Even with all the pain each of us has been through, I'm happy this is the future we ended up with. I'm glad that we can bring each other happiness, Syaoran."

"Me too," A shy smile crept across the boy's face.

Fai gave his hand a squeeze.

"Now let's go save Mokona before Daddy decided to cook it, hm?"

Syaoran squeezed back.

"Yeah."

Syaoran wouldn't know that his parents were warned that reincarnating would create a time loop. In his head it probably just felt like a cruel twist, a punishment for his wish that would be.

That hurts me.

Also soft Fai is what I live for. And someone finally taking care of Syaoran.