My unhealthy way of coping after Endgame.

Obligatory warning: S

Tony deliriously thought back to when he was 10 years old and Jarvis had sent him to bed because he had burnt the carpet floor while fiddling with another circuit board for a project. His stomach had been painfully protesting all night, and no matter how much water he drank, or how much he just tried to go to bed, it wouldn't stop. Eventually he fell asleep, and woke up to a humongous breakfast and ate so quickly he nearly puked.

That was nothing compared to now.

He had felt Nebula lift him from his sprawled position on the floor, but he was too weak to protest. The wailing of his stomach had either quieted or he had just tuned it out long ago. The last packet of freeze dried blueberries Nebula had graciously let him chow down, allowing for some relief. But that had been days ago. Now, there was nothing. There was barely oxygen for the both of them.

He was put in a seat, an almost comforting hand on his shoulder. This could be nice. Not the most ideal way to die, but the literal void of space around him simultaneously gave him anxiety and peace. Or he was down to his wit's end due to lack of food. Either one.

Each breath was getting harder, but he willed his body to go to sleep. He didn't want to have to think of the Snap, or the possibilities of what happened back on Earth, losing Pepper, or the kid…god…

No.

He just wanted it all to stop.

Just…

Stop…

And breathe…

An external light berated his closed eyelids, as if they were banging on his front door.

A weird way to introduce the afterlife. If this was the afterlife. Lord knows that he didn't deserve to go to Heaven, if it existed. Maybe this was some weird purgatory, or just Lucifer teasing him.

The brightness wouldn't stop. No amount of ignoring it was going to help. It was actually almost painful.

He decided to weakly open his eyes, wondering what could be worse than losing everything he had.

His last thought before passing out from sheer disbelief was thinking, holy shit…God is a woman.

—

Maybe God was a bit of a stretch, but anyone who could carry the Benatar back to Earth was a deity in Tony's mind.

His mind continued to swim in disbelief as Nebula helped him off the ship and onto the ground. If he wasn't so weak, he would have knelt down and kissed it right then.

Steve was running to him to help. He couldn't help the emotions that flooded him. Pain, anger, joy, anguish, confusion.

"I lost the kid."

He knew that Steve thought poorly of him for bringing Peter, who hadn't even graduated high school yet, into that airport in Germany. But what was he supposed to do? Plus, he's Iron Man. He would protect the kid, whatever it took.

Except he hadn't. He couldn't have.

And because of that, he had come to terms with what he thought was going to be his death. Dying alone in space seemed to be punishment that fit his crime. But life apparently disagreed.

He kinda wish he hadn't.

But he immediately took that back when Pepper appeared in front of him, mouth open in disbelief. No, he was fine with this after all. His greatest fear hadn't come true.

God what a relief that was.

With her support, he feebly walked across the lawn and into the Avengers' Complex.

—

Bruce immediately administered an IV drip, and had strongly advised Tony to rest, but of course he refused. He needed to know what the damage was.

But maybe he should have taken Bruce's advise.

As he sat there, hearing the rest of them talk, all he could feel was his blood boiling. Wasn't this what he was fighting for? Didn't he say these exact things? That Earth needed protection, a shield?

Enraged, he got up, willing his legs to just goddamn work. He stumbled to face him.

Captain America. Steve Rogers. The man that his dad never shut up about. The man that no matter how hard he tried, he could never be.

He felt his words just spilling out of his mouth, but he went with it. The barrier between his mind and his tongue was non-existent at this point.

God, after all this time, after advocating doing the right thing, look where Rogers had gotten them. Us. After all this guilt and shame, this was where they were.

He may as well have just yanked his heart out.

—

Tony awoke from his drugged sleep groggy and confused. Then he remembered collapsing in front of the team, or what was left of it.

Scoffing at himself, he checked the time. 6:28AM.

Hoisting himself off the bed, he realized that Pepper was snoozing in a chair, head leaning on the edge of the bed. For the first time in a while, he felt warmth in his heart as he stared at his fiancée. God, he had lost so much, but he was beyond grateful to have not lost Pepper.

He felt his mind ultimately wander to Peter. A sigh escaped his lips as he felt himself go numb. His tears had been spent long ago, but he felt nothing could smother the overbearing sadness.

The kid had been right in his arms. The first genuine hug between the two of them, and it was Peter desperately clinging onto Tony before just withering away to dust. His heart clenched just thinking about it.

Then, in the silence of his temporary ward without worry of food, he felt his stomach drop as a chill went down his spine.

Harley.

—

Pepper was jerked awake as the bed she was leaning on suddenly moved.

"F-FRIDAY, check…oh god, check Rose Hill, Tennessee for—"

"Tony, sweetie, what are you doing?"

"Pep, I—" the emaciated billionaire took a step back from addressing the AI and whirled his head around, freezing like a deer in headlights. Pepper could tell his mind was stretching in several different directions, between wanting to continue what he was doing to telling her to several other things.

"Tony, you have to lie down, honey."

"Pep…No, I gotta—I gotta do this."

"Do what? Dear, you need to rest, you just got back from—"

"I know, but I gotta find him." Defeat was already laced in his voice. "I've gotta…"

"Tony…who?" Pepper could only think of a number of people who Tony could be this frantic about, and none of them lived in Tennessee.

She could see he was fighting to stand up as FRIDAY was running calculations. An invisible weight bearing on his shoulders.

"Records say that no sign of Harley Keener has been detected since the incident, boss…" FRIDAY reported, sounding very desolate for an AI.

Tony let out a sharp sob as he collapsed back into bed. Pepper caught his frail form and gently held him as new found tears started to roll down his face. His whole body seemed to shake as he broke down in front of her. Pepper could feel her heart breaking as she stroked his head, trying to soothe him.

—

I'm sorry

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