Summary: Post-ACOFAS. As part of a deal with Feyre, Nesta has agreed to live with Cassian in the Illyrian Mountains. However, shortly after her arrival, she receives that startling news that she's pregnant from one of her one-night stands. While she tries to quickly get a grip on her life, Cassian's determined to make her see that she's not facing this alone.
A/N: This fic takes place right after that teaser for the Nessian novel at the end of ACOFAS.
We're jumping straight into the drama with this first chapter! :)
October – Part I
Cassian could already hear her throwing up behind the bathroom door.
They had only been in the Illyrian Mountains together for one week - one week - and somehow Nesta had already gotten her hands on some alcohol. He wasn't sure how that was even possible. Before she even arrived, he'd gone through his cabin from top to bottom, removing all the bottles of alcohol he could find. He went so far as to inform the few taverns and shops in the area that if a non-Illyrian female paid them a visit, it would be in their best interest to not serve her. He even slipped them each a good amount of money as encouragement.
But perhaps Nesta's formidable presence was enough to make anyone cave...especially when there were already rumors spreading that the female currently inhabiting the General Commander's home was a witch.
However Nesta may have gotten the alcohol...his High Lady certainly wasn't going to be thrilled with him for allowing it to happen.
The sun's rays had begun to break through the windows that morning. He had just gotten dressed for training with some of the Illyrians and came down the stairs when he heard the sounds of Nesta gagging in the bathroom.
At that moment, the door creaked open to reveal Nesta in a long lavender nightgown. When she found him standing in the entryway, her eyes briefly widened in surprise, but she quickly masked her face into a calm, cool expression. She turned her gaze away from him and brushed past him, heading toward the room in Cassian's home that had become her temporary bedroom.
But Cassian wasn't going to let her go that easily…
"Well, I guess you sure enjoyed yourself last night," he remarked sarcastically.
Nesta paused and turned to face him. "What are you talking about?" she asked coldly.
"It sounds like you treated yourself to a lot of alcohol last night, despite the fact that that wasn't part of the deal you made with your sister."
Nesta narrowed her eyes at him and crossed her arms against her chest. "How the hell would I have gotten drinks when there's not a single bottle in here nor will the nearby bartenders sell me any thanks to you?"
"You tell me," Cassian stated as he also folded his arms across his chest and stared at her.
"I didn't have a single drop of alcohol last night," Nesta replied in an irritated tone.
"Well the sounds of you vomiting this morning say otherwise."
"I didn't even go out last night. I was here in my room in this freezing, wretched cabin all night. You know this," she added with the Cassian is a complete and utter dolt look upon her face.
Cassian thought back to the night before. He had made dinner and left a bowl of food on the floor outside Nesta's bedroom door as he had done the past few nights. She'd refused to eat with him, but he found that she was at least a little hungry to eat some of the food he made. He remembered hearing her open and close the door to retrieve it...but that was it. He didn't recall hearing her bedroom door or the cabin's front door open or close after that.
There was still a chance she could've climbed out her window though. While eyeing her suspiciously, he spoke. "Then why are you throwing up?"
"I. Don't. Know," she answered in a frustrated tone.
His eyes roamed over her gaunt face and bony body. Then he stared into her eyes of steel, which gave no indication that she was lying. Ordinarily, if she bested him at something or disobeyed him, Nesta would revel in gloating about it. In fact, she would've probably enjoyed doing that more than drinking.
Cassian's gaze softened. "Do you want me to send for a healer?"
"Do whatever you want," she answered bitterly. Suddenly, her face paled and she brought her hand up to her face to cover her mouth as she raced back to the bathroom.
"I'll get the healer," Cassian muttered to himself as he walked away.
She had felt terribly nauseous all morning and now for most of the afternoon.
She must've been coming down with something. Perhaps her body did not adapt well to the despicable conditions of living in the Illyrian Mountains. It was much colder than Velaris. There was snow everywhere, and it was only October. She dreaded what the winter would be like.
Her sister probably wanted to punish her by not only sending her to live with an arrogant, oversized bat, but by freezing her to death as well. She was always shivering in Cassian's cabin and constantly searching for a blanket to wrap herself with.
Feyre had told her that she would continue providing her a monthly allowance if she lived here for one year, or for as long as Cassian remained there to resolve the issues among the Illyrians, whichever came first. (And from what she gathered, it could take several years for Cassian to settle the discontent among the Illyrians.)
However, Cassian was left in charge of distributing her monthly allowance while she was here, and if he ever caught her drinking, Feyre had told him to deduct the monthly amount. And yet, she didn't even currently need money for much, considering how dull Illyria was and how Cassian was providing her with housing and food. She supposed she could attempt to get a drink at some point when she really felt the need to escape, since there wouldn't be much of a consequence…
But last night, she certainly did not get drunk. All she did last night was nibble on the dinner Cassian had made within her room, then read one of her favorite novels until she fell asleep. Before the sun even rose, she found herself rushing to the washroom to vomit.
Maybe she got food poisoning from dinner, and this was all that bastard's fault.
At least he had the decency to send for a healer so she could find out what the hell was wrong with her.
...Even if that healer seemed to have peculiar methods for performing her checkup.
First, she did what human physicians would've done, which was ask about her symptoms, check her forehead for a fever, and take a look at her throat. But then she prodded her stomach and breasts and asked her to urinate into a vial that contained a exotic-looking crimson leaf. Nesta assumed it was some fae thing and did as instructed, but once she handed over the filled vial, Mara, the healer, vigorously shook it.
Nesta stared after her in confusion as she sat upon her bed and watched as the leaf's color turned into a very light shade of purple. One of Nesta's eyebrows rose into an arch at the sight.
"Just as I suspected…" The healer said softly as she held up the vial and stared at it. "You're pregnant."
Nesta's eyes shot up to meet Mara's and stared at her.
She waited for Mara to suddenly burst into laughter and tell her this was all just a joke.
Instead, she just remained silent and stared back at her with no trace of mirth upon her face.
Perhaps, Nesta had simply misheard. It couldn't possibly be true.
"What?" Nesta said.
"You're pregnant," Mara repeated.
Nesta blinked.
"You're lying," Nesta replied harshly. "Did Cassian come up with this prank?"
"I am not lying," Mara said firmly.
It felt as if the air had left Nesta lungs, and it was becoming difficult for her to breathe.
"How -" she began to say as she hyperventilated. "How do you know?"
"The leaf's color turned to a light purple, which indicates pregnancy," Mara said as she handed the vial to Nesta so she could see for herself.
With trembling fingers, Nesta took the vial from her and stared at the leaf inside. "What color would it be if I wasn't pregnant?"
"It wouldn't have changed color."
Not wanting the light purple leaf in her line of vision, Nesta enclosed the vial within her fist and tightened her grip on it.
"Is Cassian the father?" Mara asked. "Do you want him here as I explain -"
"No," Nesta cut her off. "He is not the father, and I certainly don't need him here."
To her credit, Mara didn't flinch at Nesta's sharpness nor was she riled up by it. Instead, she remained composed and proceeded to explain that she estimated Nesta was about two months pregnant as well as what to expect over the next several months.
But as Mara rattled on, Nesta found she could not focus on most of the words she was saying. Instead, she stared blankly at the bedroom wall across from her.
You're pregnant. You're pregnant. You're pregnant.
The words kept repeating in her head over and over again.
In approximately seven months, she would be having a baby.
A baby.
She tried to let the words sink in, but somehow it just didn't feel real.
How could she have been so stupid? She had been taking a daily draught to prevent pregnancy, but in her drunken stupor she must have forgotten to take it some days.
Now she was going to be a mother. And she didn't have a single clue who the father was. She never bothered to find out the names of the males she slept with. She couldn't even remember most of their faces. To her, they were just tools she used to help her to escape.
So she'd be left to face this unexpected pregnancy alone.
She didn't even have a grip on her own life...and now she would have to take care of someone else's?
The room was suddenly stifling. She had to get out of there.
As Mara was talking, Nesta abruptly got up off the bed and grabbed her coat from her closet, leaving the room without an explanation to the healer and still carrying the vial in her hand.
As she walked past the living room to get to the front door, Cassian looked up from his spot upon the sofa in the living room. Upon seeing her, he stood up and started walking in her direction.
"Nes? Are you all right? Where are you going?"
She didn't have time for this. She couldn't deal with him right now. She needed to get out.
"Out," she replied stiffly without even a glance at him. She stepped outside the front door and shut it loudly behind her.
She hugged her coat tightly around her, hating the bitter cold that surrounded her. Yet, it was better than feeling trapped within that room, that house...a physical reminder of the life that's she's currently trapped in. A life she did not want.
She wasn't yet familiar with the area and didn't really know where she was going. She just let her feet tread through the snow and wander to wherever they wanted to go. Instead, she was more focused on the words pounding through her head.
You're pregnant. You're pregnant. You're pregnant.
It was like the water was rushing in over her, and she could feel herself being submerged again. A moment that had changed the course of her life forever.
She eventually came across some Illyrians gathered around a bonfire, chatting and laughing. However, when they noticed her, they immediately went silent and stared suspiciously at her, probably wondering what the witch would do.
And while she didn't give a damn what they thought about her...she still felt like a complete outsider.
And utterly alone.
Then she heard it.
Crack. Crack. Crack.
The cracking of the logs in their fire felt like it reverberated through her, as if she herself was slowly cracking. It may have been logs cracking, but to her, it was a replay of her father's neck snapping over and over again.
Hurriedly, she turned away from the Illyrians and strode toward the nearby wooded area. Her pace got faster and faster as the waves began to crash within her. She needed to get to somewhere private before she drowned.
Her boots crunched through the snow as she went through the stretch of trees. Once she knew she was hidden from view, her knees buckled, and she crumbled to the ground. Tears streamed down her face as she chucked the glass vial at one of the trees and watched the glass shatter before her.
She was an outsider in her own life...this life she never wanted. Growing up, the plan had simply been to attend balls and socialite events, marry well, and produce heirs. Now, here she was in the fae realm she hadn't known existed for most of her life. She was forced to become a fae against her will, had to take part in a ridiculous war since she had powers she never asked for, and leave the human life she had known to live in the Night Court. Then she even lost her choice of where to live in the Night Court when her own sister forced her to go to the Illyrian Mountains.
Placing her hand against her stomach, she cringed at the thought of getting through her pregnancy alone, when she didn't even know anything about fae pregnancies. How the hell was she supposed to raise a child? A fae child no less, when she hardly knew anything about fae life?
Would Feyre end up changing her mind about her living in the Illyrian Mountains and dictate once more where she should go and control how she should take care of herself and the baby?
As always, Nesta felt the control that she so constantly desired slowly slip out of her fingers.
She couldn't help but let multiple sobs escape her as she wondered how she could even go on in this world, feeling so alone and powerless.
After Nesta's abrupt departure, Cassian was about to follow after her, but then Mara walked out of Nesta's bedroom with a solemn look upon her face.
"What's wrong with her? Is she all right?" Cassian questioned her.
"She's...not ill. Just in shock, I think," she replied.
He gave her a perplexed look. "Why?"
"That is something I cannot disclose," she said gently. "It is up to her if she wants to share it with you."
Cassian nodded in understanding. "Do you think I should go after her?"
"She may need some time alone to process."
Cassian nodded again and pondered what news could've possibly sent her bolting out of the cabin.
And then it suddenly hit him.
She couldn't be pregnant, could she?
The question raged through Cassian's mind as he thanked the healer and bid her goodbye. Closing the door behind her, he began to pace back and forth in his living room.
It seemed to fit. Nesta was throwing up in the morning, and Mara said she wasn't ill, but was something that would've shocked her so...that seemed to leave only one option.
Did she even want to have a baby? With the new, totally careless Nesta of the past year, he couldn't tell what she wanted anymore.
Looking at his window, he saw the sun was beginning to set and something in his gut told him he should go find her and make sure she was okay. All everyone had been telling him was that Nesta needed time. After the war, all everyone - Mor, Az, Rhys, Feyre, and Elain - had told him was to give Nesta time.
And then in that time, she wasted away and drowned herself in alcohol. The Nesta he knew was lost.
Now Feyre wants to just give her time in the Illyrian Mountains to see if she can get herself together, while he just served as her keeper. Now the healer is telling him to give her time to process whatever news she just heard.
But what if what Nesta didn't need was time, what if she just needed someone to be there?
He needed to find her and make sure she was okay. There was a chance she wouldn't appreciate it, considering she always complained about him trying to bud into her life.
And yet, he couldn't stop caring about her. He couldn't let go of the girl who shielded his body with her own and nearly died with him on the battlefield.
So he wouldn't bud in...he could just try to be there for her. Just like she was there for him.
And who knew if she encountered any of the Illyrians?
That thought gave Cassian a sickly feeling in his stomach. Quickly, he headed out the cabin door.
Luckily, it hadn't been long since she left and it hadn't been snowing, so he was still able to make out her footprints in the snow and followed them.
It was when the footprints led to the bonfire in the middle of the camp that following them got a bit tricky, considering it was an area where a many various footprints had been that day. As he took a gander around the camp, he caught the eye of Devlon.
Cassian sighed when he saw him start marching towards him.
"We're going to need to talk about this witch of yours living here, Cassian," he stated.
"That's General Commander to you, and we'll have to talk about this another time," Cassian replied as he frantically looked around. "Have you seen her?"
Devlon gave him a stern, unimpressed look before nodding his head in the direction of the nearby wooded area.
Cassian nodded in gratitude. "Thank you. We will talk later."
Devlon let out a "hmph" as Cassian trudged away from him and toward the forest instead.
When he reached the trees, it was harder to see as the sky grew darker. In the limited light, he scanned through the trees but didn't see her. Taking a whiff, he detected a trace of her scent and did his best to follow it.
But it wasn't until he heard sobbing that he was able to finally find her.
Slowly, he walked up behind her and found her sitting on her knees with her face buried in her hands. The sight of her looking so broken nearly broke him. He had never seen her like this before, so openly crushed. He'd always seen her trying to cover up and hide her feelings, maintaining a cool facade.
He walked up right behind her and noticed her body immediately go still. "Nesta…" he began to softly say in hopes of not frightening her.
She quickly wiped the tears away from her eyes with the backs of her hands before she turned and looked back up at him.
For once, she didn't look at him like some nuisance nor was she glaring at him. Instead, she wore her sadness on her face and allowed him to see her puffy eyes.
Cassian came up beside her and crouched down on his knees.
"Nesta, are you all right?"
She took a look down at the ground before her, where all her tears had fallen. "I'm pregnant," she announced quietly.
His thought was confirmed, so he nodded to indicate that he had heard her but said nothing more. He wasn't sure what he could say. Usually, such news would elicit congratulatory remarks. But this...didn't seem like a time for congratulating. He wondered if she knew who the father was, but that didn't seem like an appropriate question to ask.
After they sat in silence for a few minutes, Nesta spoke again.
"Are you going to kick me out?" Nesta softly asked.
Cassian's eyes widened in surprise that she would think that he would do such a thing. "What? No!"
"When Feyre made you a part of this deal, you didn't know I'd be pregnant so -"
"I'm not kicking you out," Cassian cut her off gently. "But if you told her, I'm sure she would reconsider this whole arrangement."
Nesta let out a shaky breath. Wiping away her tears again, her voice grew stronger and transitioned into her typical steely tone that Cassian was used to hearing from her. "I am not telling her about this. And you can't tell her either. Or anyone for that matter."
"But she's my High Lady."
"So?"
Cassian sighed. "She expects me to report how you're doing. How can I just ignore this? And when she finds out - because she will eventually find out - she'll wonder why I didn't tell her and Rhys."
Nesta began shaking her head furiously as more tears fell. "Ever since learning of this fae world, I've lost more and more control of my own life. Give me this," she pleaded.
"Why can't she know?"
"If she's going to send me away from her city and out of her life, she doesn't deserve to know what's happening in my life. Let her feel excluded like me for once. If I tell her, she'll likely take control as she always does," Nesta explained angrily. "In time, she will eventually find out, like you said. Maybe then she'll finally realize she shouldn't have forced me to live here to begin with."
Cassian took a deep breath. It would take a long time for Nesta's animosity toward her sister to go away.
"Do you promise not to tell her?" Nesta asked again.
He said nothing. He couldn't disobey or deceive his High Lady and High Lord...it would be dishonorable.
"Cassian, please."
She never said his name. She often referred to him as "that one" or called him a fool, a bastard, or an oversized bat.
Never his own name.
And she certainly never pleaded him for something before, which strangely made him feel compelled to appease her.
He took a deep breath. "I...promise not to tell her or anyone else unless it seems absolutely necessary."
Nesta stared back down at the ground. "Well, you were never good at keeping your word anyway," she muttered bitterly. "I don't know why I even bothered to ask."
Her words cut through him like a knife because they were true. He had promised to protect her, and he had failed.
"Nesta, you don't understand. I can't - "
Nesta held up her hand, gesturing for him to stop. Then, her face paled and she quickly bent over onto her hands and knees. Shortly after, she threw up in the snow.
As she stayed in that position and continued to heave, Cassian kneeled down beside her. He reached out and pulled back her hair that had gotten tangled around her face. A shiver went through her when he touched her. He wasn't sure if was from the cold or his touch.
And for as long as she retched, he continued to hold back her hair.
He may not have been able to completely honor her request, but for now, he could at least be there for her.
A/N: I've been simmering on this fic idea for quite awhile - since July actually, when I saw Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again and got the idea for this fic XD I've done all kinds of outlining and writing since then. I currently have half the fic written so I can hopefully provide steady updates! (Posting every other week is the goal!)
The idea for this fic is there will be one chapter for each month of Nesta's pregnancy...some months will have 2 chapters though because I have too much drama going on ;) This first chapter was just kind of a quick intro to set the scene...but most of the future chapters are pretty lengthy!
And I so hope you enjoy this fic! Please let me know your thoughts!