All She Could Give is a Bittersweet Goodbye

Alternately: The Three Times Nico Robin Lost a Child and the One Time She Didn't

I honestly can't believe the amount of views this has gotten; I also have gotten nothing but encouraging feedback from people who wanted to see Robin and Luffy reunited. I got inspiration for this and I'm still a bit hesitant to post it because I'm kind of afraid of getting hate for this, but since people wanted an ending, I came up with this. If you have suggestions or comments, please give them.

Warnings for abortion, miscarriage, implied rape, implied dubious consent, information on a woman's menstrual cycle, implied borderline abusive relationship, and self-hatred.

Disclaimer: I don't own One Piece

One

She retched rather violently into the already disgusting bathroom this sorry excuse for a pirate ship boasted. This was her fourth day of vomiting and she was having a hard time keeping anything down, something she knew her temporary crew would notice soon, the fact that they hadn't yet was either a testament to her acting skills or to the sheer obliviousness of the pathetic crew she was traveling with.

She was still in the stage of trying to deny what she knew was probably true- she was pregnant again.

She recognized the differences between vomiting induced by bad food or a virus and morning sickness. She dimly remembered her morning sickness from her first pregnancy, when she was pregnant with Luffy. It had been horrible the first few weeks, although she privately admitted to herself that her memories might be skewed by the fact that she hadn't really known that she was pregnant until Luffy had started shifting in her belly- having been convinced that she had some mystery illness prior to the momentous occasion that was her child's first kick-and her age had probably made things worse.

She could be wrong though; she might just have food poisoning-god only knew how toxic the food on this boat tasted. It could be nothing, missing one month didn't necessarily mean anything, she remembered the books on human biology that she had read in the library- Professor Clover had nearly had a heart attack when he had realized what her then five-year-old self had been reading, and just how much detail on the reproductive system the books had. She had been grateful for reading the book cover to cover when her body started changing, it was better than being uninformed.

Missing one period didn't mean that she was pregnant, she might just be so stressed that she skipped a month, or her horrible diet caused her system to divert all nutrients to body systems that were more vital than her reproductive system. That had to be it, she couldn't have another child, she couldn't give up another child, and she was under no delusions that she would be able to keep a baby- she was running from place to place and could barely eat and was forced to rely on scum for protection. Giving up Luffy had nearly broken her, she honestly suspected that in part it had, she couldn't do it twice.

She returned to the converted closet that served as her living quarters on the ship, still mulling over the potential options. And that little idealistic part of her brain, the part that still believed that she might have a chance at happiness, was whispering that maybe this could work out. Maybe she could keep this one, raise it and find Luffy-put a little family together of her and her children.

Garp's words and the impending reality of her situation reverberated back in her mind-a child cannot raise a child. She was thirteen, no matter what she had been through, she was still a child, and she couldn't give her baby a good life, that was why she had given Luffy up. She couldn't say she regretted the choice, she wished she could have kept him, that his mother's love was all he would need and her lack of knowledge and ability wouldn't hinder him; but ultimately he deserved a childhood where he wasn't hated for existing, where he had all the food he needed, a roof over his head, a doctor to make sure he was healthy, and she couldn't give him those things. She had to give him his best chance, and it was not with her, she had to accept that.

If she really was pregnant again, she would do right by this baby too. She would give it the best chance she could. Resolved in mind, she laid down on the blanket-covered wooden board that served as her bed, she would deal with the situation in the morning.

...

She woke up in a pool of her own blood, the red soaking through the scratchy fabric of her skirt, dying the previously pale grey fabric a glistening crimson. She tumbled to the floor in shock, and tried to climb onto her shaking legs, managing to stumble toward the door of the room. She clung onto the wall as she led herself down the corridor, back toward the bathroom she had been standing in only hours before. She was woozy, the blood loss probably combined with shock, and her poor diet.

She made it to the bathroom, leaving a bloody trail of smeared footprints in her wake. She managed to support herself on the tiny sink and stared at her gaunt, sweaty face in the grimy mirror.

One thing was for sure, she definitely wasn't pregnant anymore.

Two

The marketplace was a bustling mess of sweating bodies, yelling, animals stampeding right and left as shepherds corralled them to be sold, and the smells of body odor, animals, incense, and food being prepared created an interesting atmosphere.

Robin tried to keep her head down as she weaved through the crowd, dancing out of the way of merchants, customers, and the odd goat. Staying in crowds was risky, but it was easier to hide in plain sight than to hide in a shady back alley. She was trying to lose the persistent Marine who had spotted her earlier. The two had been playing cat and mouse for about five hours at this point, and she was getting annoyed to the point of snapping necks.

While contemplating on the practicalities of eliminating the threat-on one hand he was annoying, on the other she would have to scream as fast as possible to get out of dodge, and she wanted to inspect the books available in the antique book stores the small island was known for- she continued to weave her way around obstacles, when a tiny form crashed against her legs, knocking her off balance and nearly sending her to the ground.

Reflexively waving her arms, the fifteen-year-old managed to steady herself, as she looked down to see what had struck her, she was met face to face with a tiny face and tearful brown eyes.

" s-sorry ma'am," the child, who couldn't be older than five, sniffled, biting on her lip as she looked up at Robin.

Robin smiled at the adorable child," It's fine little one, my name is Robin, what's yours?" She questioned, steering the pair of them out of the human traffic by a copse of trees planted near a series of open-air stalls that looked like they sold souvenirs for the tourists. She crouched down by the sniffling child after she had gotten them out of danger of being trampled.

"Hana," the little girl, who was a dark haired, rosy cheeked child responded.

"Well miss Hana," Robin teased out with a smile," where are your parents?" She finished with concerned audible in her voice.

A child this young, in a marketplace as busy as this one should definitely be with someone.

"I-I don't know," Hana sniffed, tears starting to fall," I was with Mommy, but I turns around and she wasn't there anymore. And I got scared and- "

"That's enough little miss, I think I get the picture," Robin gently interrupted the child, taking care to keep her voice as calm as possible, no need to make the child more panicked than she already was. "Do you remember where you were when you last saw your Mommy? She's probably still there looking for you, or do you remember what you came her looking for, we could try finding her where she might be shopping."

Robins reasoning, calm demeanor, and solid plan seemed to give the child enough stability to begin calming down.

"We were by the flower sellers, Mommy wanted some for a big dinner- my whole family is going to be there!" The little girl replied, stretching her arms out to emphasize her description.

She really was adorable.

"So, by the flower stalls, and then I can assume she would be going to get food for this big party," Robin reasoned with a smile, glad that the girl was calming down and that they now had a solid plan. "So, miss Hana, shall we be off?" Robin asked, the smile lighting up her face as she swung the girl into her arms, easily lifting the child, who slightly yelped in surprise at being lifted so suddenly.

The girl quickly adjusted and squealed in delight at how much higher she was, forgetting her distress in the way that only a child can.

She pointed her chubby hand in towards the left," That way, that way miss Robin!" She squealed in delight, eager to be on her way.

Robin smiled at the child's eagerness and set off in the direction of the flower stalls, toddler firmly held in her arms, chattering off about all of the things she could see as robin carried her.

It felt surprisingly nice to hold the child, a firm, solid weight in her arms, the little voice chattering in her ear. Luffy would be about Hana's age- did he weigh as little as this child, it seemed one good strong breeze would carry her away. Did Luffy even like being held? She knew that little boys rarely seemed to want to be treated like the children they were, always eager to show off how grown up they were. There were exceptions to everything of course, maybe he would have liked the higher viewpoint that her height offered-she was already approaching the six-foot mark, and she had a feeling that she would only get taller before long. For a moment she let herself imagine, a luxury she rarely afforded herself due to the constant need for vigilance, but just this once she let herself drift into the world of what ifs.

She pretended that it was Luffy she was carrying, he was such an adventurous little boy-carrying him seemed to be the only way to keep him out of trouble. She wanted to get some extra vegetables to serve with dinner, she should also grab some eggs they were running low. She'd need to come up with new strategies to convince Luffy to eat his vegetables, he was starting to doubt the story she'd told him about how eating vegetables kept the trolls from stealing his toys, one of her more creative stories to date. She had to get him to eat them somehow, he had the same hatred for green things that most children seemed to universally have, and the stories she told him only worked for short amounts of time before he figured out that they were just tall tales.

His sister-for today she assigned her almost-baby as a female, though in her dreams her almost-baby was male just as often- was at home today, with her grandmother watching her so she could spend the day with Luffy. Her mother was such a big presence in the lives of her children, Robin honestly had no idea what she would do without her.

Luffy was starting to get too big for her to comfortably carry, it was a shame, she would miss carrying him around, though it might make it easier to juggle her groceries without him in her arms, but she would have to be extra aware of him, to prevent him from getting into anything he shouldn't.

It was sad to see your child grow, it made her miss his smaller days, but watching his sister grow helped ease the melancholy, though watching her grow was just as bittersweet- and to be able to see the incredible journey of her children growing side by si-

"HANA! HANA!"

The shout broke her out of her fantasy world where everything was perfect, back to the real world, where she was trying to reunite a child with her family- a goal that it seems she accomplished.

"Mommy!" Hana squealed, squirming until Robin let her down, and she then darted toward a dark-haired woman who immediately dropped everything in her arms to kneel down and gather her child in her arms. Heaving sighs of relief as she hugged her child, who was thankfully safe.

Robin watched the scene with mixed emotions, in part happy that she had found the child's mother so quickly and partly jealous of the scene, wishing for a moment that it was her in the woman's place. Those thoughts evaporated as a tiny hand gripped her own and dragged her forward.

"Mommy this is Robin, she helped me find you!" Hana enthusiastically informed her mother, who was looking at Robin gratefully.

"Thank you. Thank you so much," the woman gave a bow in gratitude toward a slightly startled Robin- the ebony haired teenager wasn't used to people treating her kindly.

"Oh-oh it was no problem at all," Robin got out in her slightly of balance, though not literally this time," I was happy to help."

"Still thank you." The grateful woman repeated, reaching out to grab Robins hand, "I hope you have a good day," she finished.

Robin smiled with a false happiness, "And the same to you," she replied back as she turned and began walking away, back toward her original objective. She would look at the books then leave, she decided. She suddenly didn't want to stay any longer than she had to, her arms suddenly felt as if they were made of lead, much heavier than the little weight they had carried not long ago.

Parting was always a bitter pill to swallow.

Three

The little plastic stick was mocking her. Despite her rational brain reminding her that inanimate objects are incapable of mocking or anything of the sort, she was firmly of the mind it was taunting her in a smug, sarcastic way.

The little plus sign was probably what did it, acting like this was good news while handing her a time bomb.

She couldn't have a baby, she hadn't even considered that she could be pregnant, honestly believing that the reason she had been feeling so poorly lately had been her immune system acclimating to the pollen released by a type of flower in Rainbase. She had been sent all over Paradise in the last week, making sure the millions were behaving and recruiting new frontier agents for Baroque Works, she knew from the previous year that the desert flowers that the locals cultivated in the city (the desert was already beginning to feel the effects of missing the rainy season this year, though most were holding out hope that it was just delayed this year) made her sneeze badly, hay fever being a very annoying thing. She had honestly believed when she returned to Alabasta that her lousy state of health had been caused by allergies, until she checked the date while filling out paperwork for the casino and stopped dead in her tracks upon realizing that her period was more than just late, it had been absent for three months.

In a sense of panic that she had refused to let show, she had quickly gotten her hands on a test, which lead to her current position on the floor of her massive suite's bathroom.

The twenty-five-year-old ran her hands through her hair, trying to get her thoughts together and into some semblance of order. She was in both better and worse circumstances than her previous pregnancies. She was in more luxury than she had ever been before, protected from most marines and bounty hunters by the shadow of Crocodile, and she had made sure that she was indispensable to him in more ways than one. Yet, her position was nothing but a facade, and she knew Crocodile only protected her so long as she was useful, the moment he was done with her, she had no doubts he would throw her to the sharks, if he didn't kill her himself.

And now she was going to have his baby, somehow, she didn't think that would endear her to him, it would probably be a sign of weakness he would seek to stamp out. The man certainly didn't like children, though he was good at hiding his disdain in front of the crowds of his adoring fans. Even if it was his child, he probably wouldn't show it any kindness, it would still be a 'sniveling, ill behaved, disease-carrying brat' to use the man's own words.

It didn't matter that she was an adult now, she knew she still couldn't give this child what it needed, she couldn't give it the stable life that it deserved. More than that, she didn't want a baby, she was so close to the Rio Poneglyph, so close she could feel it, and as callous as it sounded, a child would be a distraction. She had suffered for almost her entire life in search of the true history, and now that she was so close, she didn't want anything to slow her down. She had come so far from the child who dreamed of a family, who dreamed of friends, she only had herself in her sinful existence and she didn't want to damn someone else with her. In her worst moments she wondered if she had inadvertently damned Luffy with her poisonous life, and she hated herself for leaving him almost as much as she hated herself for wanting to have him back.

He was the only good thing she had done with her life, her current position near the top of the criminal underworld, the best of the worst, proved to her what kind of horrible person she was.

She loved the baby in her belly, that was a horrible truth in this situation. She loved it every bit she loved Luffy and every bit she loved her almost baby-the one that she had lost when she was thirteen. She had a decision to make.

Speaking of decisions, should she tell Crocodile: it was still his child and she supposed that he did technically have say in this, but when she already knew what his answer would likely be, why bother?

This child was different from her other two, this one had a father. Not to say that Luffy and her almost-baby didn't, but she had always considered them her children and hers alone, no one else in the equation. Crocodile was a presence in her life that she currently revolved around, and in the time that they had spent together, it was impossible for her to not think of this as their child. If that line of thinking even made any sense.

She loved this baby, she really, truly did. Did she love this child enough to make a decision that she would hate herself for, even if she might not regret it?

The answer came surprisingly easily.

Yes, yes, she did. She could not be selfish with this child's life, she stood in one fluid motion and began heading out, firm in her conviction. She knew there was a clinic nearby that performed the procedure- the picket lines regularly outside had effectively communicated this fact. She wouldn't be selfish; she wouldn't ruin another innocent life.

She would have her fantasy world that she would visit on rare occasions, never during waking hours, not anymore, but while she was asleep, she would drift to a beautiful dream world. A dream where she raised her two children in the Tree of Knowledge, with Clover, her mother, Saul, and all of the other scholars- giving her children the golden life they deserved, this child would now join its siblings in that paradise, as the best she could give.

Life was no place for a fantasy, it was her responsibility to do right by her baby, it wouldn't suffer its mothers cursed existence or it's father's apathy- she would make sure of it.

+1

Monkey D Luffy.

Her baby boy was standing right in front of her, helping the little princess escape from Whiskey Peak. The foolish little thing was determined to save her country from Crocodile, determined to keep anyone from dying. The idealistic little thing, she remembered being that foolish once, though it was so long ago now.

She knew what she was doing when she let the princess and the captain of the guard join, she knew what she was doing when she led them to Crocodile. When she set the charges on the ship, angled just so that the inhabitants of the ship had a fighting chance of survival. She had made her bet, now it was time to see where the chips would fall.

She just hadn't counted on Luffy.

She had kept an ear out for years, always hoping to hear some kind of news about her child. She just had honestly never expected what she had encountered. Her son had become a pirate, that must not have made Garp very happy, but it was Luffy's happiness she was concerned with.

Thirty million out of the east blue was very impressive to say the least, his crew most likely weren't weaklings themselves, his first mate was strong enough that Baroque Works had attempted to recruit in the past-that said good things about the others.

She had dreamed over the years about this moment, about meeting her little boy again, this scenario wasn't quite what she had hoped for, but wasn't the worst out of everything she had dreamed up.

He wasn't as tall as she'd thought he would be, not as muscled as she had dreaded Garp would try to make him. He was healthy, had a crew that respected him, and he was strong, that was everything she had ever hoped for.

He destroyed the eternal pose, which partially terrified her, but she had no right to decide his life, to make him do anything. She loved him, so she had to respect his decisions, even if she wanted to drag him away from this whole mess, wrap him in cotton wool, and hide him in a deep cave away from the world.

She vaguely recalled a passage in a book of poetry from wise people throughout history 'your children will forever do the things you shall disapprove of: deal with it'. Of course, that was heavily paraphrasing it, but the message held true.

The crew had become very uneasy as she continued to sit in place, even after her offer had been rejected, just staring at their captain. Her sudden smile definitely through them all off. She jumped down from her perch and approached their captain with quick strides, stopping before him.

"You've grown into such a fine young man," she uttered, prouder of him than she could find the words to express.

This confused everyone on board, but Luffy most of all.

"Do I know you or something lady?" He questioned in his usual blunt manner, honestly perplexed by the way this woman-who was helping Crocodile, had just blown someone up, was the bad guy in this situation- was talking to him, like she knew him.

"No, you don't, but that's my fault I suppose. You were so young at the time; I'd be more surprised if you actually did remember me. I'm just glad to see that the decision I made regarding you all those years ago turned out as well as it did." The ebony haired woman answered, feeling a sense of peace the likes of which she had never known before. All she had wanted was to give him his best chance, and it looked like she had succeeded.

"W-what decision?" Luffy questioned, something important was happening here, he could feel it, he just had no idea what it was. All around him, the peanut gallery stayed silent, they could feel the heaviness of the air, but knew that whatever was happening, it was not their place to interfere.

"To give you the best chance I could," the woman answered, confusing everyone even more than they already were, "I guess I'll be on my way now, I look forward to seeing what you are capable of."

She moved toward the side of the ship where Banchi was waiting, intending on leaving everything at that, before giving her parting words to her child. "I always hoped that you would look like me, even though you don't, I'm still glad that you don't resemble your father either. Garp promised he would make sure you were well taken care of, I'm glad to see he wasn't a liar."

The widening of eyes and dropping of jaws of the occupants of the ship, and the stuttered "Wait, are you saying-"from the orange haired navigator went ignored by the raven.

An easy leap landed her on Banchi's back, the turtle easily heading off towards their next destination. She figured the crew would believe that she was lying, she was the right hand of their enemy, she would think less of them if they didn't doubt her, but she had said her piece to her child, that was all she honestly cared about. She had an organization to covertly sabotage, she had already made her bet, but she would help them as much as she could discretely.

Though the sense of contentment and the smile refused to leave her.

He really had turned out just fine.

AN: Technically this should be 4+1 instead of 3+1, but there's only three on this page, and you can count the previous chapter as a prequel, or part of this if you want. I am pro-choice and do not want to hear flak about it, with her situation she is between a rock and a hard place, she wants her baby, but she knows Crocodile won't have it, she can't raise it while still being chased, and she honestly hates herself at this point in time. To Robin, the selfish thing to do would be to bring a child into this world to a mother who believes she is a devil (the world agreeing with her), a father who at best wouldn't care, and a life on the run; yet she still wants to keep it, but she believes that with her circumstances the nicest thing she can do for this child is to end its suffering before it ever begins. I'm not saying that is the right thing, not that there really is a right thing, but it is her choice and that is all that matters, it is nobody's business except her own.

All a mother really wants out of life is to know she did the best she could for her child, this is something my mother has taught me over the years, I also got inspired for Robin's thoughts about how her children belong to her and her alone, with the father not even really being a thought. Believe it or not, but I have over twenty half-siblings (as far as I know, there's probably more that I don't know about). My mom doesn't care about my dad, she cares about my siblings, because these are my brothers and sisters, and she wants to make sure I have a relationship with them, but as far as she is concerned my dad is just a sperm donor and I am hers and hers alone. If you think that is right or not is up to you.

Review please! Tell me what you think, I want to hear it, but please try to be constructive its better than just an angry rant as with constructive criticism I can improve my writing ability.