Carry Me Home

"Oh shit!" Heero exclaimed, his voice having a hollow tone echoing off the tiled walls of the bathroom.

Adrenaline surged to subdue the fear and kick Duo into action. He leapt out of bed and sprinted towards the bathroom, coming to a halt bracing himself with both hands on the doorposts.

Heero stood there, naked, fresh out of the shower. Water dripped from his hair onto his belly as he looked down at himself. He ignored Duo, much to the man's chagrin.

Duo demanded: "What? What's wrong?"

"I can't see my dick anymore."

Duo stared, blinking – not doing much else aside from breathing. Then a laugh. Then, suddenly, anger. "What?"

"I'm serious. I can't see my dick," Heero restated, pointedly staring down at himself. His swollen belly of course obstructed his view.

"… You scared the shit out of me! Jesus…" He released a sigh and slumped against the doorframe.

Heero glanced up at him for the first time and raised his eyebrows at Duo's distraught expression. "I'm sorry. It just surprised me."

His tone was disarming. The last of Duo's anger melted away. He laughed again, at the ridiculousness of the discovery. "Well, don't worry. It's still there."

Self-conscious now about his naked form and Duo staring at him, he reached for a towel and wrapped it around himself.

"Did you sleep well?"

"Yeah. You?"

"I always sleep well when you're here with me."

Heero imitated gagging noises.

"Come on! This is what you wanted, right? You wanted romance?" he reached out and poked his side, then left him alone to finish getting ready.

Quatre and Trowa had invited them over for dinner. It was the first time since their shared lunch months ago that the four of them would be spending any time together outside of sitting shoulder to shoulder in the waiting room of the clinic, or crammed into the examination room. Quatre and trowa were both nice people and Duo liked them. But at the same time, all of them being together made matters more complicated, because it forced to surface certain thoughts that he'd rather keep in the depths of his mind: what is going to happen four months from now?

At least there was hope it wouldn't go as horrendously as the night at the diner. He still hadn't been able to completely forgive his mother, even though she had tried to explain actions as protective, nothing more.

The husbands lived about an hour out of town, in Trowa's family home. A small house that he had been working on rebuilding, since his grandparents had left it to him in their will. The wooden paneling of the outside was freshly painted white. The door was a vibrant shade of blue and it opened before Duo had parked the car at the end of the long driveway.

Heero climbed out of the low Mustang with a grunt, but refused to wait for Quatre's help.

The blonde stopped midway towards them and waited for them instead. He embraced his Japanese friend tightly and then admired his belly, putting his hands on him, which Heero didn't always like, but never said anything about.

"Have you felt it kick yet?"

"No, not yet."

They were invited into the house, where Trowa greeted them with better contained excitement and curiosity. He had been working on dinner. He was good with his hands in all regards; a good handyman, gardener, cook… Quatre was a lucky guy if his talents carried into the bedroom.

Duo was happy letting Quatre do most of the talking during dinner and the other two men seemed similarly inclined. The short blonde was a compelling story teller anyway, so never a dull moment. It was endearing how Trowa would stare at his husband. They were perfect together. They complemented each other so well. The love between them was apparent. Their home was lovely too. The living room was still being remodeled, but the kitchen and dining room looked professionally done, even though it was all Trowa's handiwork.

"Not much of a handyman yourself?" Trowa asked the braided man.

"Nah, not like this." He appraised the hand-made kitchen cabinets. "I like tinkering with my car, that's pretty much it."

"Heero mentioned you work in the car industry."

"Ah, yeah. I'm a designer.

"You design cars?"

"Hmhm." He took a sip of his beer. None of the others were drinking. Heero for obvious reasons and Trowa and Quatre because they had decided to cut alcohol since deciding to become parents.

The conversation meandered on. It hit Duo how strange it was that they didn't know these basic things about each other, but then again, he kept forgetting that he had only known Heero for five months.

"I want to show you something," Quatre announced once everyone had finished their dessert. His giddiness was barely contained.

"Okay…" Heero chuckled uncomfortably and let Quatre lead him down a hallway.

With a nod in their direction, Trowa prompted Duo to follow the two, while he hang back and started clearing the dishes.

He walked down the narrow, dimly lit corridor to the back of the house, past the master bedroom and a spacious bathroom. He heard Quatre chattering enthusiastically. The two of them had disappeared into a room at the end of the hallway and he stepped in.

The walls were painted a cheerful green. The curtains on the big window were patterned – it turned out to be small caricatures of animals. There was a comfortable lounge chair by a white crib and a changing table across from the door. There were so many stuffed animals in the bed, there wouldn't be any room left for a child. More of the fluffy, brightly colored creatures were piled onto the chair as well. An enormous teddy bear sat in the corner.

"Everyone keeps bringing these," Quatre said, picking a plush giraffe from the crib and hugging it to his chest.

"Don't lie. You bought most of them yourself," Trowa scolded mildly, coming to stand in the doorway.

He reluctantly admitted to his guilt. "I can't help it. I had a ton growing up. They were my only friends at some point. The ones that had been with me for as long as I could remember were really special to me. I want our child to have that as well."

Duo couldn't see Heero's face, he was standing behind his boyfriend. He wondered what he was thinking, being shown the room. Duo thought of his morning and how she had warned them how difficult this process would be. He'd wanted to dismiss her concerns, but he felt a weight fall on his unexpectedly. Standing there, in the perfect baby's room, in the perfect little home, with the two perfect husbands, he was jealous. He wanted what they had – what they would have. That blossoming family.

His time with Heero had been magical, but in a few months it would all come crashing down. Because they weren't working towards this – towards their own happiness, but towards someone else's. And it would just be the two of them. That was all he had wanted at the beginning. Now, he wasn't sure how it would affect them.

He swallowed a lump in his throat and put on a smile.

"We painted the room green, to keep it neutral. We really had ourselves convinced that we didn't want to know the gender beforehand. But," he squeezed the giraffe, "we realize now that we can't wait. And it's not just curiosity! It's mostly that we think we'd feel more connected if we can stop calling it 'it' and start calling it by his or her name."

Heero nodded.

"So, would you mind scheduling another appointment with Po to have the sex determined? I'm really sorry to keep dragging you into that clinic."

"Don't be silly. It's fine. I'll do whatever you want. It's your baby, after all."

Duo wished he could have seen Heero's face, to get a sense of what he was truly feeling.

"Oh my God, thank you! This is so exciting!"

"Yeah, just set up a meeting whenever. I can get the time off."

"Me too," Duo was quick to say. His boss didn't really understand the situation he was in, but didn't ask any questions either.

"Great, okay. I'll call tomorrow and hopefully she can spare some time next week."

They were welcome to stay a little longer, but Heero announced that he was tired and that he wanted to go home. They said their goodbyes and were walked back to the car.

The first few minutes of the drive, Duo didn't know what to say. He finally broke the silence by asking if Heero wanted to go back to his place or to his own apartment.

"My apartment. Please."

"Okay." Heero had been spending more and more time at Duo's place and he had enjoyed that. He had a feeling they would be sleeping apart that night and he did not look forward to that. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah."

"They seemed pretty adamant last week that they didn't want to know," Duo mused, refusing to the child's gender.

"Yeah."

"How do you feel about knowing?"

"It doesn't really matter. It doesn't change anything."

Duo nodded. He let Heero be alone with his thought and get lost in his own mind as well.

He wanted what Quatre and Trowa had and would have. But he couldn't. And it was crazy anyway. He had to keep reminding himself: it had only been five months! Why did it feel like a lifetime? Or the start of one, at least.

He pulled into a parking spot across the street from the red brick apartment building. "Do you want me to stay, or-"

"I think I want to be alone tonight."

He nodded again. He leaned over and they shared a quick kiss, then Heero got out of the car. Duo wrung the steering wheel between his fingers. He considered going after him. Did Heero really want to be alone? Did Duo want to be alone?

He flinched at a sound coming from his right.

Heero had tapped his fingers against the window, having walked back to the car. His voice was muffled by the glass and it fogged up with his breath as he said: "I don't want to be alone."

He shut off the engine and climbed out. He kissed him first, then took his hand and they walked up to the apartment together.

The next day, he was late for work, having to stop by his house in the early morning to change into fresh clothes. During lunch he got a text from Heero.

[The appointment is next Tuesday, 2PM.]

Ok. I'll be there.

He packed a bag so he could spend the entire weekend at Heero's place.

Whenever they were together, time changed. It was like a dream. An entire lifetime could occur in only a few hours. The weekend lasted forever, yet, at the same time, was over too soon.

Before long, they were in that waiting room again.

Doctor Po teased the Bartons for changing their minds about wanting to know the gender.

In that very moment, Duo realized: he didn't want to know. He preferred thinking about this little life as he had this entire time, as a "little bean". That's what he called it. Just a bean. That's what it looked like on that first ultrasound. That's what he clung to, without even being aware of it. But with three words, it wasn't a bean anymore.

"It's a boy."

Quatre and Trowa were overjoyed.

When they left the clinic, they parted ways. Trowa joked: "I guess we should head home and start arguing about names."

Duo reluctantly dropped Heero off at the high school where he worked. He had a class, he kept saying, pretending like he was unaffected by the news they had gotten that afternoon. Logically, it didn't matter whether it was a boy or a girl. But knowing what it was did matter. It changed everything.

Still, Heero merely thanked him for the ride and he got out and went to work.

Duo needed to talk. So, ill-advised, he went to see his mother again. He could always trust to find her at the diner. He was certain she spent more time there than she did at work. He would pity her if he didn't believe she loved every second of it.

The bell above the door rang, announcing his presence. Sure enough, a platinum blonde behind the bar looked over and a weathered, yet still beautiful face, lit up at the sight of him, only for a shadow to settle in her eyes when she tuned into his emotional state. She read his confusion correctly and offered him silence and time to think. She poured him coffee that he wouldn't drink. She cut him a slice of pie that he wouldn't eat.

He cupped his hands around the mug of coffee and felt it go cold. Then, all he could say was: "It's a boy."

She'd been writing the specials on the chalk board above the coffee machine, but she heard his soft-spoken words. She turned around, put the chalk away and dusted off her hands. She leaned against the bar across from him.

When she didn't say anything, like he had expected her to, words started pouring out of him instead: "We had this weird moment last week, at Quatre and Trowa's place. I want what they have – I want that with Heero. But, no, I-… I have what they have. Only I don't, because we have to give it up, for them." He shook his head and bowed it. "Fuck, I'm not making any sense… What I'm saying is: they are this happy little family. And-… and so are Heero and I. The problem is, there's only one baby. And it's theirs. He's theirs." He chuckled bitterly. "You must be dying to say 'I told you so'."

"I'm not. Seeing you hurting, hurts me too."

"I can't really explain why knowing the gender changes anything, but it does. I'm now very aware that I need to keep myself from becoming attached. That seemed easier before. It seemed doable. Now, Quatre and Trowa are at home, thinking about names for their baby boy and I'm sitting here thinking about names that I would like to give it. This is so dumb…"

"It's not dumb. It's human. It's evolution." She took the cup out of his hands so she could hold onto him. "Good men are hardwired to fall in love with the life that grows inside their partner. And you are the best man," she finished with a whisper.

He sighed.

"That is why I was afraid of you diving into this relationship. I know you wouldn't just fall in love with Heero. You'd fall in love with the child."

"All this time, I've only been worried about what it would do to Heero. I didn't think I'd get attached."

"How is Heero coping?"

"I don't know. I think he's trying to distance himself from the idea. When we talk about the pregnancy, he only ever talks about how it's made him 'fat' and 'hormonal'. He never even mentions…"

"He's protecting himself."

"Yeah. I think so. But I don't know how he can keep pretending that it's just a swollen stomach and nothing more."

"All you can do is be there for him when it hits him. But don't forget about yourself."

"Ohh Mom… what have I gotten myself into?"

She put her hand under his chin and raised his head. "Nothing you can't handle."

He snorted. "You didn't seem so sure of me two months ago."

"I was wrong. And I'm sorry."

"Thanks."

"If you both feel up to it, how about the three of us have dinner next Sunday? Start over? I promise I won't be a meddling bitch."

He chuckled.

"I really do actually like Heero." She leaned in closer with a mirthful expression. "Not in the least because he's a good shot at getting myself a grandkid one day."

"I don't even know if I want kids!" He argued with a laugh.

"Yes you do. You know now."

Yes, he did.