A/N: I'm so sorry this update took so long. Moving has been time consuming and exhausting. Virtual school starts again for the kids Monday so we are gearing up for that. But here is the next chapter- thank you all who have reviewed the last chapter and gave me some things to think about with Eleanor's character...I hope this chapter redeems her a bit- she was struggling alot. Please, if you get a chance, let me know what you think!

Chapter 40:

"Sassenach?" Jamie sat on the bed with her. "Have ye noticed somethin amiss with Rose?"

"Well," Claire put aside the book she was reading, "She is a bit more needy than normal."

"She isna eating much," Jamie said, frowning, "Maybe she is missing Ellie and John."

"Rose has always been very sweet and sensitive," Claire offered, scooting up to sit next to Jamie, putting her arms around his neck.

"Aye," Jamie smiled, "Ellie calls her an old soul."

"That is an apt way of describing it," Claire said, "And the truth of the matter is, you have been very distracted by Hope. She isn't used to having to sharing your attention."

Jamie looked incredulously, "She has two older brothers and an older sister."

"But she has always been your baby, Jamie. Until Hope. And you have to admit, you rough and tumble with the boys, and lead them as any father would, but with Rosie, there is a tenderness and special attention you give her. She has been constantly in your arms since we found her in Jamaica."

"Aye, I couldna help but do so...she was so wee."

"I know. And fathers and daughters always have special bonds. So, now she sees you with Hope...a little jealously would be normal...especially since she probably is missing Eleanor and John and wants things to feel normal again."

Jamie let out a long breath, "The lass will never ken what normal is- not the way I did at Lallybroch with my own father."

"This is her normal," Claire said, kissing him. "Children are resilient, but perhaps a wee more bit of patience would be in order."

Jamie nodded, "Ye are verra wise at times, Sassenach."

She smiled at him and then studied him, "You do know that you are giving them the best life you can."

"Aye, I ken," Jamie said, smiling at her, but pulling away to begin to take off his boots. "But some days I ken that it isna gut enough. And I look at their faces and I see that shame."

"Jamie Fraser," Claire gave him a look, "the children adore you. You have always been and always will be their father."

"But ye have to admit that part of why this has been so hard without Eleanor and John here, is that I canna be their father every day. To set boundaries. To teach them what they need to ken. Eleanor and John do that. And I dinnae begrudge them fer it. And I ken that canna be helped. Still yet, I am regretful that I canna be the father that my father was to me."

"But you are," Claire said, softly. "Jamie, you must see that."

"Aye, of course, I do," Jamie forced another smile. "I am just feelin out of sorts today. The wee uns are a handful, are they no?"

"That they are," Claire smiled. "Is there anything I can do to help...make you feel better?"

Jamie eyed her, "Aye, maybe there is one or two things..."

Claire's smile widened as she untied her shift, "I'm sure there are..."

Eleanor flipped the page of the book she was reading, turning without even looking at it, before tossing it aside.

"Is it not to your liking?" John asked, his mouth turned in amusement.

"The characters are a bit contrived," Eleanor said, moving to stand by the bookcase, perusing the titles, "but it is more that I cannot calm my brain to focus on it."

They had woken up and had an easy morning of companionship, a jaunt to the beach, both content to take a respite from difficult conversations that dominated their time yesterday. Mrs. Simmons, the kindly housekeeper had fed them a delicious luncheon and left stew for the evening meal, off to visit her sick sister. Afterwards, they retired to the library for a quiet afternoon, Eleanor curled up on the couch with a book in her hand. She had changed into her nightgown and dressing gown, eager to get out of the confines of her corset and knowing that they would most likely be in for the night. John humored her lack of decorum quite well, knowing this type of leisure was exactly what she needed.

John rose to come behind her, resting his chin on her shoulder, "Perhaps it is not the book that is the problem then."

"Perhaps not," Eleanor said, her breathing quickened at his proximity, only slightly but did not escape John's ever discerning notice. He kissed her shoulder lightly before stepping back. He took her by the waist and turned her to face him, "Will you not tell me what you are thinking upon?"

She chewed on her lip and then extended her hand and he took it, leading her back to the sofa.

"I am afraid I am rather beastly to live with," she said, softly.

"I will not deny it," He smiled at her, "At times you are difficult."

"I'm so sorry, John," she squeezed his finger tips. "My behavior these past few weeks...I know it has been trying...even if you are the most patient man I have ever met. I don't want to take advantage of that patience, and I know I have."

"I forgive you," he said, "I will always forgive you, Eleanor. I have told you that before. And accept you-vices and all. But perhaps, you could explain yourself better, because try as I might, I cannot puzzle out how to get through to you."

She let out a long breath, her face flushing.

"Don't be embarrassed," John squeezed her hand, "I want to help you. Please."

His words were so heartfelt and Eleanor could feel his love and acceptance. And it compelled her further, to be honest with him...and with herself.

"Sometimes, I have a really hard time controlling my emotions...what I am feeling and thinking. And the demands of living in this still unfamiliar time, of being confronted by situations even after all these years of doing so, which are so vastly unfamiliar to me, of worrying of things that I know to be true, but I have no way of controlling..." she shifted slightly and John kissed her hand, gently. "I'm trying to hold on so tightly but everything is spiraling out of control." Her voice caught.

"But tis not truly," John said, quietly. "You must recognize it."

"But what it feels like and what my head keeps focusing on..." she paused, looking down at their joined hands. "I cannot wish these thoughts and feelings away. And I do try to. I don't want to be this way. It's like I just can't get myself out of it- the despair and doom I am feeling."

John paused for a moment before asking, "Is it me?"

Eleanor looked up and into his eyes, "Of course not! It's never you. And I know I have been horribly unfair to you..."

"Put it aside for now, Eleanor," he said, his voice a murmur.

"I cannot put it aside, John. You deserve better than all of this."

"Put it aside, Eleanor," he repeated, this time his voice louder and firmer. "I need you to believe me and accept what I am telling you to be true. You are using guilt to push me further and further away. And you are right...I do deserve better. And I believe most whole heartedly that you can give me better." He paused and then took great care to moderate his tone, "But when it comes to the crux of the matter, putting aside you and I...to be honest," he paused, "you just seem so tortured," John said, "More so than normal. Were you never like this with Jamie?"

"Like what?"

"So melancholy," he said, "prone to worry and despair."

"I was," Eleanor said, softly and then a long pause followed, "from time to time."

"What did he do?"

She shrugged, "It led to a few blow ups between the two of us...but he mostly tried to occupy my mind upon other things- long days at Lallybroch, teaching me tasks around the farm, long nights between the two of us, and between that and the children, I barely had time to dwell at all. Trust me, he didn't know what to do about me during these times either, but more times than naught, he just loved me through it, with that Fraser protective fierceness that we all know so well."

"Much as I am trying to do..."

She nodded, "And you are doing so well, John. Your love and care for me...I could not ask for a better husband. And I mean that with everything in me. You are the best man I know."

"I know you mean that," John said, gently. "Is there nothing that can soothe you when you feel this way?"

"Yes," Eleanor said, softly, "But unfortunately, in this time, it is not an option."

John titled his head, frowning, "Explain your meaning, darling."

"I mean..." she looked at him, "In my time, I eventually was diagnosed with anxiety... and took medication for it. And it helped...just make me feel more like me. I was such a better and more patient wife and mother and I would be able to let things go easier. It's hard for me during certain times not to be consumed under the weight of it...and Hope's near drowning...and then what happened with Tryon...and the fact we are about to face a war, it's too much, John."

"Why didn't you say something years ago?" John asked her, studying her carefully.

She shrugged, "It is what it is. It's not an option so what was the point to even go there. I didn't even tell Jamie. I studied psychology in college, so I know all about the history of how people are treated...and in this century, they are either locked in jail, burned at the stake or executed."

"Jamie and I have both seen you have your episodes with your breathing, Eleanor...and we haven't ever questioned your soundness of mind over it, not even amongst the two of us."

"I know, but you and Jamie are both rare men for this time," Eleanor said, quietly, "and I thought if you know that in my time, I had to take medicine for it...I don't know, maybe that would have made you think that I was worse off than I was. I mean...alot of people in my time are medicated for it. But still, it might have been hard to explain..."

"Sweetheart," John kissed her hand, "He nor I would ever think less of you for it. We know your heart and your soul...and the beauty within you that endears you to us. As for the soundness of your mind, any woman that can so heartedly puts James Fraser in his place with only a few well delivered lines...and on occasion, beat both him and I in chess..."

"Rare occasions..."

"Less rare as you are becoming more adept...all this to say, I do not think you to be insane...I only wish there was something else to ease your discomfort. Perhaps Claire could recommend a remedy...if you are honest enough to admit you need help."

She nodded, "I'll talk to her about it."

"Good," John smiled at her, "And I do hope you know how grateful I am that you entrusted me with this part of you."

"I do trust you, John...I just wish I was a better wife to you."

"I wouldn't want another..." he said, staring deeply in her eyes, "I meant that, Lady John. I hope you know how much."

"I do," her breath caught.

He leaned his forehead against hers, rubbing gently, his breath on her. She gripped his fingers tightly.

"I want you to love me," she said, softly.

"I do," he said, "More than a man such as myself can ever express or understand to be possible...and yet, will you not try with me? Fight with me...fight for us, Lady John."

She nodded and kissed him. He deepened it almost immediately, their mouths meeting each other in a back and forth dance. Eleanor moaned and then kissed down his neck, eliciting a response and delighting both of them. They got caught up in each other and in the moment, but when he reached for the tie of her dressing gown, he asked,

"Are you nervous?"

Her mind flashed back and all the sudden, she wasn't in the moment with John anymore. She put her hands over his, "I..." her voice caught, her eyes widening. "Oh God." She shuddered.

"What is it?" John's brow furrowed, trying to discern what had happened. He put his hand on her shoulder and she flinched away. "Eleanor, talk to me, my darling."

"I'm so sorry," she whispered, sliding off the couch, "I need some air."

He allowed her to flee, lost in his thoughts as well. But after he few moments, he rose, determined not to let her run again.

Eleanor stood at the ocean's edge, letting the water flow over her toes. She looked at the vastness, taking deep breaths. She pulled her dressing gown closer to her, chilled. John came out a few minutes later.

"I'm sorry," she said, softly. "Really sorry."

"You don't have to apologize for what just happened," his voice was low as he reached for her hand, holding it his hand, tightly. The waves lapped over his bare feet as well. "Tryon asked you that, didn't he? Whether you were nervous or not?"

She nodded. "I couldn't get my tie undone, I was so clammy and trying to hide my feeling. He took it to be nerves and offered to untie it for me, asking if I was nervous." She shivered, letting out a long breath, "we shouldn't talk about it."

"I am not certain. Perhaps, keeping such secrecy over it is contributing to your angst. I think it might help us both to be more forthcoming," He squeezed her hand, "Do you think of that night often?"

She nodded, "I can't get my mind away from it...and it's not desire, John. It's...I don't know...remorse. guilt. shame."

"But I am releasing you from all those feelings, my darling," he said. He paused, "If..." he paused again, wanting to choose his words carefully. "If anything about that night was..." he paused, "troublesome...," he took a breath, "for you, beyond the guilt you feel, I would like you to tell me."

She swallowed hard, "No, I mean..." She looked down at the water splashing their feet, "it was fine."

"Are you certain of it, Eleanor?" John asked, his eyes studying her carefully.

"I mean, I suppose it was typical," She paused, shrugging, "I guess I just felt so out of control...and not in a good way. It sounds so stupid to say that."

"No, my darling," He squeezed her hand again, "I understand your meaning quite well. You have always been with men...even Mister Fitzgibbons who desired to put your needs first. Even in those times of unchecked passion, there is a sense of understanding and trust betwixt us...and I know it was the same for you and Jamie...a reassurance and a comfort to know that you could be vulnerable, and we would never take advantage of it..." he paused, "And even what you described of Mister Fitzgibbons holds to it. Tryon is selfish...pompous, arrogant, controlling...and I cannot imagine he would be any different in bed."

"How do I..." she looked at him, "forget what I have done?"

"You don't forget, but you do let go of it...move past it," John eyed her, "as far as intimacy betwixt us, perhaps, we need to do something so unexpected, you cannot help but to think of us."

She raised an eyebrow, "Such as?"

He raised an eyebrow back at her smirking, "Tis a private beach and Mistress Simmons will not be back til the morn. The waves are pleasant, lapping around our feet, are they not? And the pull back is not very strong."

She titled her head, "Here?" her voice held her skepticism.

"Come get carried away with me, my darling...allow me to love you in a way that you cannot help but to focus on."

The slight nod was all he needed and before she could even say anything else, he had tackled her, rolling with her in the surf, his mouth on hers, a tangled mess of sand and wet clothes. Ellie giggled for a moment and he pulled away from her to laugh as well, the sound both music to their ears. He wiped the hair out of her face so he could look into her eyes.

"I like it when you are so determined, Lord John," she said, her eyes meeting his...and for a first time in a while, he saw Eleanor's joy again. And it compelled his further.

"And determined I am, Lady John," John said, his mouth capturing hers, persistent, pushing them into passion that pounded both their heads and made both of their hearts beat quickly. The waves rolled on top of them and John rolled her over so their lower half were in the surf, but their heads well protected.

The urgency continued to build as wet clothes were flung off...and in the minutes that followed, John's words proved true. There was nothing else, Eleanor could focus on- her senses alight with love, passion...so much desire...here in this moment with him.

"Da!" Rosie whined, running up to him. "Hope threw dirt at me! And I told her I didn't like it and she wouldn't stop!"

Jamie put the pitch down. "Now, Rose, ye mustn't bother adults with every little problem, leannan." He crouched down to look at her in the eye. "I always want ye to feel like ye can come to me with yer problems, but we have a farm to run."

"Mama says I should if I try to solve my own problems first, I should ask fer help then," Rosie told him, seriously. "And I need help!"

"Weel," Jamie let out a long breath, "Yer mama can focus all her attention on all ye wee uns since she lives with Papa on the plantation and has help fer the daily runnin of things," He straightened and put a hand on her head, "But I canna see how sortin out yer wee un's battles all day is gut fer her. No wonder her patience wears." He paused, contemplative, "But dinna fash, lassie. Just go off, and maybe play with Sam or Mac if Hope is bein a bother."

"They dinna want me!" Rosie's lip jutted out into a pout. "They say I'm just some silly girl. And I canna do boy stuff."

Jamie titled his head and stooped back down, "Rose Ellen Fraser, ye ken that is foolishness."

"Tis true, Da," Tears filled Rosie's eyes, "They say I need to be a proper lady like Mama and I do want to be, but I want to be like Bree too. And learn things. Ye only want to teach the boys things. Tis not fair. Ye love them more than I."

"Leannan," Jamie let out a long breath, "that simply isna true. I love ye a great deal. But as fer learning the things that Bree kens to do, dinna fash aboot that. If yer mama agrees, I will teach ye to hunt and fish just like the wee lads. But ye must learn to be a proper lady or yer mama and Papa will have my heid. And they arena wrong. At the verra least, ye must learn to run a household. And if ye choose to want to learn other things, then I will teach ye, Rosie. Ye have me word. But ye are still wee."

"Not as little as Hope," Rosie sniffed. "I wanna be big."

"Ah," Jamie patted her arm, "Dinna wish yer childhood away, lassie of mine. Tis a joyous time when ye are young...or at least it should be," he planted a firm kiss on her head. "If Mac or Sam give ye a bit of trouble, ye come back to me, Rose, and I will have a wee chat with them. Ye may be a wee lass, but if ye want to rough and tumble with the wee lads from time to time, I canna see how there can be anythin wrong with that." He studied her carefully, "What is wrong?"

"I miss mama and papa somethin awful," she said, forlorn.

He put his arm around her, pulling her close, "I ken. But ye have me and Claire. And I do love ye, lassie. So verra much. Ye must ken that weel."

"Aye, but..." she paused.

He sat down on the ground with her and pulled her into his lap. "But what?"

"When they come home, I'll go away. And then, I'll miss you and Claire too. I will always miss someone!"

He kissed her head, "Alainn Ros, I ken this must seem unfair to ye...to always have to leave me or yer mama. But we are still a family. All of us."

"Maybe ye can ask Papa if we can stay with Mama here."

"I think Papa will probably want to return to Mt. Josiah and William. It isna gut to be away from yer brother that long."

"Aye, I miss William too," Rosie said, sighing. "When is Mama coming back?"

"Soon, alainn ros. I'm sure of it."

"Is Mama sick?" Rosie asked, quietly.

"No, leannan. I dinnae think so. I think she just needs time. Yer mama is a verra strong, verra gut woman. And ye will be that un day as well."

"Promise?"

"Aye, I promise," Jamie held her close and then carefully rose, still holding her in his arms. "Let's go find the wee uns and see what they are doin."

"Dinnae ye have to finish?"

"It can hold fer a bit," he retorted, "I dinnae get enough time with ye all. We must make the most of it, ye ken."

Rosie nodded seriously, but then gave her Da a big grin, which Jamie returned.

"My good Lord," Eleanor ran her fingers through John's hair, trying to loosen the caked in sand. "I do believe we will be finding sand for days." The tub was by the fire in the kitchen and their clothes set to dry. She was standing naked, save for her wrap that she had flung over her shoulders to try to keep warmer. John had at first insisted she get in the bath first, but Eleanor convinced him that it was not practical because she was far messier than him, who had taken a dip in the ocean. He was going to throw her in as well, but Eleanor said while the surf was fine, the water was far to cold for her to dip her head in, but if he wanted to, then by all means he should.

John flicked water from the bath at her. "I think you have the far easier task as I helped you by going into the ocean."

"Of course, you might give yourself pneumonia in the process," she scolded. "It is cool today."

"Tis nothing," John said, flicking more water at her, "And your hair is going to prove quite the formidable opponent. It is tangled horribly."

"Ah, well, I can deal with it myself after we deal with you so we wouldn't have to inconvenience your lordship," She tested the water and then carefully poured the water over his head, it lapping off his shoulders and sloshing into the tub.

"Oh no, tis not the way of it. Fair is fair and I am never one to back away from a challenge," John said as she leaned down to kiss his neck and the tip of his shoulder. She wrapped her arms around him for a moment leaning down her head on top of his. John reached up and tenderly cradled her face. "And I do feel responsible as it was my idea from the start."

She giggled, "You are a borne romantic, Lord John. Of course the practicality of such endeavors leaves us with this..it is never the way of books..."

He reached for her hand and guided her to the side of the tub. She leaned down on her knees. "And was it not worth it, my darling?"

She leaned into the tub to give him a kiss, "Of course." She breathed out and then reached for the sponge. "Let me."

"Of course, if you will allow me, next," he said, his eyes on her.

"I look forward to it," She smiled at him and then began to wash him, slowly, savoring the moment with him. "I'm not very good at this, John."

"Good at what?" he asked, reaching to tip up her chin.

"Being a wife. You take such great care of all of us and I fear that you might get neglected in all the sacrifices you make daily. And I don't want that. I want you to feel loved and to be happy in the life we have together."

He searched her eyes, "The happiest moments of my day are those quiet moments when you seek me out for a word or for a quick embrace...when you value my opinion and trust my heart. Yes, our life is chaotic, Eleanor and while we started this marriage as a family, I think we cannot hide behind the family we have formed. Because our marriage is very much one betwixt you and I. And I wish for you to believe me when I say that. You are my partner, Eleanor. My better half."

"Your worse half," Eleanor quipped.

"No, I do not think so," John patted her cheek, flinging water as he did. "As much as you say you are grateful for me, I am grateful for you...tenfold."

She let out a long sigh and then leaned up and over to bury her face in his neck. John in a quick move, dragged her over the side of the tub to lie on top of him in it.

"John Grey!" Eleanor squealed, "I'm going to get you sandy again and I just worked to get the sand off of you! And this bath is not big enough for both of us- at all!"

"Shh," John kissed her, the water sloshing over the sides. "My turn. And then after I dry you off, I am taking you upstairs."

"Hum," Eleanor kissed him back, "Why?"

"I do not feel like you are lacking in your wifely pursuits, however, I have a few ideas of how we can further develop them...if you'd like."

Eleanor blushed, "Nothing too uncouth."

"Too uncouth?" he laughed, at her phrasing, "You have been around me for too long, my darling. I'll make a proper 18th century gentlewoman of you yet."

She smacked at him and then kissed him again.

"But no, never fear, I will guide," he kissed her again as he hopped out of the tub and gently rubbed the sponge against her chest, "never force."

He dropped the sponge into the bath and then went to work on untangling her hair.

"I never fear when I am with you, Lord John," Eleanor said quietly.

John leaned down to kiss her neck before washing her hair, trying to dislodge the clumps of sand in it. And when he was done with that and cleaning her properly, he dried her off and swept her up in his arms, carrying her up the stairs and holding true to his promise.

After supper, they were relaxing in the library, John's arm around her shoulders and her head against him, curled up on the couch.

He leaned down to kiss her head, "You are quiet again."

She let out a long breath, "I suppose I am," she reached for his hand, squeezing it tightly in hers, "May I confide in you about something, John?" she said, softly. "It's something that has been wearing on me and I need your perspective on it."

"If it is distressing you, then I think you must," John said, his voice low.

"It's about Jamie."

"I see. Go on," John prompted. "Tell me what is on your mind."

"He killed Lieutenant Knox," she said, "Did he tell you?"

"Ah, no," He adjusted her, carefully sliding her off of him, and went to stand by the fire. "He did not mention that. I had assumed that Jamie had found a way to intercept the missive. Fergus can be very handy in that regard." He looked at the mantle, his hand resting on it. He sighed, "I almost wish you didn't tell me. Some matters of Jamie's, it is best that I do not be made aware of, especially considering our past."

"You won't get him in trouble over this, will you?"

"No," He shook his head, even though his back was still turned, "I cannot. There was a time, when I was much younger, that I would. But considering the children, and who I know Jamie to be...and there is the matter of your heart, I would never betray anything that you have told me in confidence...about Jamie or anything else. But, are you sure of it?" He paused, "Did he tell you this?"

"I was there, John."

"Were you?" John's voice was low.

"I saw it...I mean, he made me turn around."

"I should say so," John muttered under his breath.

"But I heard it. And then saw the evidence of it."

"I see," He turned to meet her eyes, "And naturally, you are troubled by it. I suppose I already can deduce the answer to this, but I must ask still...what was his reasoning for committing such an act against officer of the Crown?"

"Knox had read the rolls and threatened to expose him for Murtagh. But not only him, but me for warning him...and you as well...and I know Jamie felt like he didn't have a choice to protect our family. And he was right. The consequences would have been...unthinkable. But it was in cold blood. And in my brain, Jamie has always been...such a..." her voice trailed off. "I don't know. I know he was a solider, a highland warrior, but to me, he was always...he was just so..." she groaned, "I simply cannot put my feelings into words. He was so tender with me, even when we fought, even when I allowed him to be a 18th century husband...there was a sweetness to him, compassion...and his heart...I mean he is a good man. A kind man...and it just seems so..." she struggled, "contrary to the way he treated and still treats me...and especially the way he cares for the children...for him to strangle a man to death..."

"I see," John searched her eyes, "I know that Jamie took great care to be very gentle and considerate of your modern sensibilities," he said. "He felt very burdened by making sure you were not broken by this century and he knew the angst you were feel when confronted by the darker side of humanity. In my opinion, he tried too hard in that regard...because it was inevitable and now you seen evidence of a man, that you always knew was inside him, but never witnessed. The truth of the matter is, Eleanor, that any man that tries to harm you or his family, he will protect you by all means possible, and if you come to harm at the hand of another, he will bring that person to justice...outside a court of law. He will kill for you. You are the mother of his children and still have a very substantial hold on his heart. And I do not begrudge him that."

"But what does that say about the kind of man he is?" Eleanor rose and went to stand beside John. "I guess I'm just conflicted because after what I have done, I have no right to judge Jamie's action, but how can I not think it was wrong even in spite of the consequences for not doing so? He showed no remorse, only sorry that I was upset by it."

"Sweetheart, I cannot make you understand honor and justice that we have in our century. Try as I might, it goes against what has been ingrained in you since you were a little girl."

"But it wasn't honorable," Eleanor said softly.

"Protecting you isn't an honorable endeavor?" John titled his head, challenging her. "He has a debt to pay to you, Eleanor. A debt further than he could ever repay in his lifetime."

"That simply isn't true," Eleanor said. "He doesn't owe me anything."

"Then he has a debt he owes to his own heart," John said, quietly, "He is a man who loves you. And you will not sway him when it comes to protecting you. If he didn't know it would be dangerous to you and your family to do so, he and Tryon would have had words over your night with him. It is a debt I can relate to. And would I kill to protect you or to exact revenge on a man that harmed you? I would, Eleanor. You have been entrusted into my care, and as the man who loves you and whom you have such a command over my heart, you cannot ask me to say I would do differently." He reached out to cup the side of her face, "You must continue to trust Jamie's heart, especially as you are raising the children together, trust the man that you know him to be. And... I wish the same for me, if confronted by the same choice."

She went to wrap her arms around him, "I need to be held by you. I need to feel secure right now. Thinking about this makes everything seem so topsy turvey."

His arms immediately tightened around her waist, pulling her securely into his chest, "I am here, my darling."

She sighed, "Do you think he thought I would stop loving him if I saw this side of him?"

"Maybe," John said, quietly, "But more maybe that you would scared of him. And I know he never wished you to fear him."

She nodded, "I think you are right." She laid her head against him, "For the record, I want you to know that when I went to Jamie, it was only to warn him of the rolls. If Tryon and I had...just for the heck of it, I would never had gone to him and told him. And I was so afraid of seeing the disappointment and hurt on your face...because when it comes down to it, I need us. I need you to love me. And to think that I could have done something to stop that love, I'd rather run from it, then face you."

He squeezed her tightly, "I understand. I fought for this love betwixt us, Eleanor. And I will not let it...nor you go. Unless, you choose to go."

She breathed deeply, "I never would wish to go."

He pulled back, "Even if Jamie was free?"

She looked at him, deep into his eyes, "Even then. I love him still...but he has hurt me too deeply for it to be repaired. And I see him with Claire, and I know, we could never truly go back. Because I would always see her. And them together. But most of all, if we are speaking truth to each other, my love for you is deeper. We truly have been forged together- you and I. You shouldn't love me, but you do. And I...I thought I would never love again. But I do. And if I am honest with myself, I love you more, John Grey."

Tears sprung to his eyes and it took him moments to compose himself, before he said, his voice but a whisper, "I do hope I am worthy of that honor, Eleanor Grey."

"You are," she said, softly, "always worthy."

John lunged forward to kiss her, commandingly and then pulled away, "Come back to bed, my darling."

She raised her eyebrow, "You cannot possibly want more. We aren't not newly married and..."

She was silenced by John rather grandly sweeping her up in his arms, "Just hush. We will never get this time again to be uninterrupted by little steps stomping up to our bedroom door."

"Isn't that the truth?" she laughed as he ran up the steps with her.

Hope tugged at her ear and screamed.

"What is it, Hope?" Jamie asked, trying to settle her, but Hope was inconsolable. "Yer gonna wake the whole house with yer hollarin," Jamie scolded, smacking her bottom in frustration.

"Ouchie."

"I dinna smack ye that hard, leannan," Jamie grunted.

"No," Hope cried harder, "Ouchie! Ouchie! Ouchie!" She began to wail at the top of her lungs.

"Let's go find Claire," Jamie said, patted her back and tryin to quell his frustration.

"Mama!" Hope cried, "Papa! Papa! Papa! I need Papa!"

"Ah, I ken yer Papa makes ye feel better," Jamie said, again patting her back. "Settle down Hope. All this hollarin is not goin to solve yer problems." He stepped into the bedroom with her, sitting on the bed.

"Sassanach," Jamie grunted.

"Oh dear," Claire sat up, "Why is she screaming?"

"She is pullin at her ear," Jamie said.

"Hope, darling, stop crying," Claire said as she reached for her, "Come here, sweetheart. Can you tell me what hurts and I can try to see if I can help you?"

Hope stopped screaming, but still was sobbing against Claire, rubbing her ear against her. Claire frowned as she held her hand against her ear. Then, she felt her head.

"Jamie, she feels like she is running a fever," Claire said, frowning. "Hope, sweetheart, does your ear hurt?"

Hope nodded and snuggled against Claire.

Jamie frowned and then Claire handed Hope back to Jamie, "Da is going to hold you while I get some medicine. One more wee ouchie and then ye will feel better soon."

Jamie balanced Hope in his arms as he rose with Claire, "Is ye certain?"

"Yes, it's all the signs. She is leaking fluid from her ear and with the fever and the screaming...we don't want her ear drum to burst," Claire said. "Poor love."

"Ah, I see," Jamie said, looking down at his daughter, rubbing her head gently, "Tis no wonder yer cryin. An ear ouchie can be a frightful thing indeed." He sat back down with her. He held her close to him while waiting for Claire.

Hope hiccupped and then held her ear.

"Da mad at Hope?" she asked.

"Oh, my leannan," Jamie murmured, "Of course, I am no mad at ye. If ye are hurt, I wanna help ye feel better."

"I wanna Mama," Hope said and Jamie reached to apply pressure against her ear, trying to relieve the ache.

"Aye, I can understand that," Jamie said, quietly, "But I'm here Hope. And Claire and I are both going to help you. Ye rest yer wee bonny heid against me..."

Claire came back with the syringe, "This isn't going to be pleasant," she said, "But hold her still and it can be quick."

Hope looked wide eyed at the needle and then at her father, her thumb in her mouth.

"Aye, I remember how it feels...yer wee needles," Jamie looked at Hope. "Ye will be a brave lass. And if ye scream, I willna fault ye."

He shifted Hope quickly to allow Claire access, Claire quickly injecting the medicine.

Hope began to wail loudly and look very betrayed.

"I'm sorry," Claire leaned her head down against Hope's, "It's going to make you feel better, I promise."

Hope clung to Jamie tightly, burying her head in his chest.

"Aye, all will be weel, my wee un," Jamie said, softly. "Ye need to go to sleep." He stood, "I'm going to rock her fer a bit."

Claire nodded, "Of course. If you want to bring her in to sleep with us, you know I don't mind."

"Aye," Jamie nodded, "I think that might be best."

Claire smiled at him as he left the room, singing softly Jesus loves Me to Hope.

John steadied her as she laughed. "Did you enjoy?" he asked, helping her up to sit upon the rocks.

"Yes, I did," she said as he tethered the horse and then sat next to her.

"It didn't make you too nervous, did it?" John asked.

"Well, a little, but in a good way...it was thrilling to ride with you like that," she said, reaching for his hand. "The sand and the surf...the smell of the salt air and the wind in my hair. I loved it."

John took her hand in his and then kissed it. "I'm very glad of it. I wanted to clear both of our heads so we could talk more."

Eleanor nodded, "Okay. What's on your mind, John?"

"I am going to say what I say next, only after much reflection, and knowing that when it comes down to it, I want the best for you...and for us."

"You are scaring me," Eleanor said, softly, "I thought everything was better."

"And it is," John said, holding her hand tight upon his knee, "but I don't want to have anything left unsettled, darling, so I must ask you, will you go into the depths with me again?"

She dropped her head on his shoulder, "Of course, I will. Tell me what is on your heart."

He kissed the side of her head, his touch tender, wishing to ease the coming blow. But when he spoke, his voice was carefully measured, but his tone firm. "I feel like the past few days has been more about restoring your trust in me...for you even to accept my forgiveness of you... and while I am happy to comfort you in that way, I didn't do anything to break your trust, Eleanor. I am the same man I always was and yet you failed to trust that man that I am. The man who knows and loves your heart and wishes to provide and care for all your needs...you questioned my attraction for you, my motives, my love...I have had to spend the past few days ensuring you that I was trustworthy for us to begin to heal. And it is frustrating for me. And as much as I know matters have begun healing betwixt us and I want that to continue, I must tell you how I feel. I was the one wronged. And you selfishly made it about you."

She lifted her head, "You're right."

"And I understand your anxiety might have contributed to that, but you cannot hide behind it."

"I'm not trying to hide behind it. And you and I have talked about this- how I want to give as much to you as you give to me."

"And that means I have to trust your word, Ellie...and your character. And you broke that trust. And you haven't truly atoned for it."

Her mouth dropped open, "But I have. I let you beat me, for Christ sake. What do you think that was?"

"I think that was more about you wanting to harm yourself over our child and using me to do it," He held her hand fast to his knee when she tried to disentangle her hand from his, "No, you mustn't draw away, Eleanor," his voice was firm, "I know it is uncomfortable to be confronted like this. But we are both adults. And I know you are more than capable of handling this rebuke. Think about what I have said, and if it is not true, then you can offer an alternative perspective to it. But I think you should know how I view the situation."

She buried her head in his arm, "I want to say you are wrong and to be offended for you even suggesting it, but...while that wasn't my intention at first, it did become it."

He let go over her hand to wrap his arm around her, drawing her close, "I know, my love."

She leaned her head on his chest, "I'm sorry for that."

"Especially in those moments, and I do hope they are few and far between, I have to trust you in as much as you trust me in that moment...to know your intentions are honorable because only then does that makes my actions just. Otherwise, I am just being a brute. And I cannot...I will not ever abide by that. In that moment, you broke my trust in you again."

She sniffed hard, "But I thought this century is all about punishment and justice."

"And betwixt us, it is about...as you said when you consented, justice and mercy meeting. It is about atonement, not punishment. It is about restoring the trust betwixt the two of us," he paused, "I do not think it is always healthy to compare us to you and Jamie, but was it truly about punishment with Jamie? When he insisted upon using this with you...why do you think he did so?"

She paused, "It wasn't to be cruel."

"Of course not. So what was it about, Ellie? He knows its something foreign to you, so why does he try to protect you in everything else that would be against your modern sensibilities, but force this issue with you?"

She closed her eyes, "He often said it was to remind me of the seriousness of the time we are living in...and to trust him when I don't want to."

"Truly? That's it?" John pressed. "Breaking your pride? I know James Fraser, and yes, that was part of it, but that wasn't the full reason he did so. Maybe the first time, but not the other two times."

"I suppose it was more about," She opened her eyes to look at John, "reconciling ourselves...restoring his trust and faith in me...to know as his wife, I will be more measured and less...impulsive. In showing him that I trust him with this, he knows he can trust me the next time when confronted with whatever led to it in the first place. Because for me to accept this, means that I truly want to atone for everything and be at peace with him."

"There you go, Lady John," he touched her face, lightly with his fingers. "And how should it be betwixt us?"

"The same," she bit her lip, "But it wasn't so this last time."

"No, it wasn't. You wanted me to punish you but you had no intention of ever accepting forgiveness. And while you have accepted me into your bed and have come willingly into my arms again, we can't move past until you truly want to atone...and it's not about bloody Tryon. It's about putting yourself and our family at risk, Eleanor. In a world where the consequences would be severe. And here is the crux of the matter...if I am honest with you and myself...and I say this with the most depth of affection, I cannot trust at this moment in time, that you would do any differently. And that is very hard for me to reconcile."

She looked at him, wearily, "I want to say I would..."

"But you can't at this point say you would, can you?" John said, his hand on her knee. "I am not angry, Eleanor. I always wish you to be truthful with me."

"I do feel guilty."

"I know you do. Over Tryon. And our baby. But over protecting Jamie?" He paused at her stricken look and winced as the tears began to flow freely. "I believe you that what you say is true-that you couldn't ever go back to Jamie...at least while I draw breath. And that as much as you love him, you love us more. But he is still apart of your soul, Eleanor. And I will not ask you to let that part go. But I will ask you to make sure that in practice you value us...and yourself...more than Jamie. Because I guarantee with this coming war, you will be confronted again. I will remain loyal to the crown, Ellie. And while you do not have to remain loyal to the crown, you must remain loyal to me...and our family, especially if you and I have a child together." He reached to wipe her tears with the pad of his thumb, "I do not wish to rebuke you in this way for I know it hurts the tender soul within you, but darling Eleanor, I know the remarkable woman I have been entrusted with. I will not fail you by remaining silent when I see you going astray."

John was so earnest, so heartfelt and his look was so loving, that Eleanor began to weep.

"That wasn't supposed to make you cry more," John mildly scolded.

"I know," Eleanor sobbed. "You are just so...there isn't a word that would do you justice. I adore you, Lord John Grey. I'm so grateful for you and loving me with such a tenacity but still yet, a tenderness that makes me want to be better for you and for us."

He pulled her closer against him, "Where should we go from here, Lady John?"

She sighed and snuggled against him more, "Let me think for a moment." They fell into easy silence and after a few minutes, Eleanor pulled away and turned on the rocks to face him.

"Give me your hands, John," she said and John put his hands in hers, amused.

"I'm so very sorry that I was too selfish to see how hurt you must have been by all of this- not just by Tryon, but me choosing to take those risks without your consent or guidance that led to everything else. I know how much honor and trust means to you. And I'm sorry that I lacked the faith in us to think we wouldn't be able to move past this...and that I used you to wallow in my own guilt...and I want to make things right between us...but for the right reasons. As much as my rational mind is telling me I am crazy for this, I need to put my words into action, to regain your trust...that I will make better decisions in the future. So, I'm going to submit to your discipline again...and this time, it's going to be to offer atonement and to bring us back into greater harmony and restore your trust in me. But I have conditions to it."

"Do you now?" John gave her an amused smile, "What are your terms, my Lady?"

"Your dealings with me continue to be measured...and if I tell you I had enough even if you don't agree with it, you stop."

"That goes without saying, Lady John," John nodded seriously, "I would never wish to be a brute with you."

"And afterwards," she tilted her head, "I want a nice long bath in front of the fire, with your company...and then I want you to take me into your arms and comfort me...to reassure me that I am not as wretched as I feel at this very moment and as wretched as I am sure I will feel afterwards..."

"Very well, I accept your terms, Lady John," John said, gallantly bowing to her before reaching for her hand, "Come now, darling, let's go home. I must say I am always in awe by your spunk and bravery."

"I'm not very brave," Eleanor gave him the side eye, "I was just thinking maybe the horse will throw me on the way home and I won't have to go through with it."

John threw back his head and laughed, "Oh, Ellie. You know full well, I will never let you fall."

"Damn you and your gallant nature," Eleanor said, "And the damn English for their superior horseback riding abilities."

John laughed harder. "Be careful, with your words, my darling. I know you say in jest and I am diverted by it, but a horse fall could break your neck. And we would never wish for that."

"I wasn't wishing for that. Just maybe a bruised bum, so you wouldn't go through with it."

He was nearly rolling now with laughter, "Oh, do not fear, I'd still go through with it, just very strategically."

She gave him an exasperated look and he picked her up and plopped her on the horse. he mounted behind her and then leaned to whisper in her ear, "It will be fine. You do not have to fear it so. It's a moment of time...and then the moment will pass...and you will be no worse for the wear...except that maybe when you are confronted with the same situation again, I can trust you to make a better choice..."

"I wouldn't count on it," Eleanor said, pointedly.

"We'll see what you say afterwards," John said, with an affectionate kiss to the side of her head, as he kicked the horse and they began to gallop with the wind.

John gently twisted her hair up and tied it with a ribbon. Her face was flushed, tear streaked, but was carrying herself admirably. Yet, still she was unable to look at him in the face. Afterwards, she had willingly but silently accepted his embrace. And after a few minutes, she nodded her agreement and allowed him to care for her. He had poured the steaming water into the tub and then reached for the tie to her dressing gown, allowing it to fall over her shoulders. He reached for her hand gripping it tightly and leading her to help her step into the bath and ease herself down.

In spite it, he could sense that she was struggling. He knew her pride was tattered and her heart sore, along with her posterior, but she bore his rebuke along with a hefty lecture that accompanied it well. He kept it short and while he knew it bit, he also suspected his lecture tore at her heart more than the strength of his hand.

"Eleanor," John murmured.

She closed her eyes, "Yes?" her voice was shaky. It was the first word she said to him.

"Do you love me?"

She nodded, but still kept her eyes closed.

"Then will you not look at me?"

She shook her head.

"Eleanor," John murmured again, his voice coaxing.

Her lip jutted out in a pout, "My bum hurts."

"It was well earned," John said, calmly, but his face couldn't hide his amusement, for her expression so resembled Hope's, "though I must say I am sorry that it does."

"I'm not saying it wasn't," Eleanor retorted, her eyes still closed, "I'm just saying it hurts. I can't believe I suggested you to do that again. This century is so wonk with their sense of justice and retribution."

"Wonk?" John laughed outright then. "Great God in heaven, Eleanor Grey...you are charming."

"Glad you think so, my Lord," she said, her tone dripping with sarcasm, "And Jamie is never going to do this to our children."

"Oh dear," John's amusement grew, "Do I sense that you and Mr. Fraser will come to another impasse one day soon?"

"For certain," Ellie said, squeezing her eyes shut tighter, "Now that they are older, I am sure he is going to want to be a little harsher in his discipline...it was the way he was raised."

"Perhaps so," John said, "As for you...I have a cream I think will help. And I was very measured with you...in case you are tempted to insinuate otherwise."

"Of course you were...you always are," Eleanor said, softly. "I knew that you would be."

"Then why can't you look at me, Eleanor?" John said, his voice low, "it is making me feel as if I should feel guilty over it and considering it was a matter mutually decided betwixt us, then I refuse to be made out to be some sort of monster."

"I would never make you out to be such," Eleanor retorted, her eyes still closed. "I don't want you to feel guilty. I was just giving you a moment of a hard time...because you know, I'm your wife and I can from time to time."

"Naturally," John said, "But if not, then why haven't you looked at me since?"

"Because, I am afraid, I will only disappoint you, darling."

"What does that mean?" he reached out to cup the side of her face.

"When faced with the same choices, in spite of what just happened, it's going to be a struggle...and truth be told, I'm not sure I'll be able to support you in the coming war."

"I know," John said, softly, "But you will not undermine me or put our family at risk, will you?"

"No," she opened her eyes to look at him.

"And you will listen to what I have to say...and offer your perspective...and then trust my judgement...and my heart in regards to our family?"

She nodded.

"Then that is all I ask of you," John said, gently. "As for what just happened, you know there is no shame ever betwixt us...don't you?"

Her face flushed, "I know," she whispered. She reached out for her hand, "Do you think I have lost myself to allow you to do so to me? I mean...is this the right thing?"

He put his arms around her.

"I'm going to get you wet," Eleanor scolded.

"I don't care," John said, holding her tightly. "We don't ever have to again. I'm comfortable with this type of discipline...being a solider and a warden and having to employ punishment...but if you are doubting it, I will never force you...into seeking atonement in this way. I hope you are well aware of that. I would never want you to feel uncomfortable in any aspects of our marriage."

She lifted her arms out of the water to wrap her arms around him, flinging them around him. "Did you mean those things you said?"

He gently disentangled her and then reached to hold her face in his hands, "Yes. I know my lecture was scathing, but what you have to remember, my love, is that when we offer atonement, then it is put behind us...you fear too much my disappointment and desire too much my high regard. I am a man that loves you...of course, I hold you in the highest regard, even so...because I never thought I would ever love a woman to begin with...yet here we are. And we are joined together...there is nothing you can do...or say...or mistakes you can make, that will make me want to cast you away. And if two years later, you are still struggling to see that, then you must look within your heart, to find the strength to believe that you are worthy. And to trust in the man that I am."

"I do..." she whispered, "I just lack faith so often..."

"Because you have been through the fire," John said. "And you lost two men you love to circumstances out of your control. But I am here for you, Ellie. I will say it over and over until it is scorched into your heart. You are my wife. And you will be until I have no breath in my being...and when that day comes, I will have not be left wishing for more out of this life. You and our family...the joy you bring me is incomparable. Because you are Eleanor Grey...and there is no other person...at least in this place and time like you."

He pulled her face towards her, kissing her deeply, with a passion unmatched and left her wanting for more. He pulled away, "Are you well?"

She kissed his cheek, "Love me, John," she whispered in his ear. "Take me in your arms...and make me feel like Eleanor again. And I pray, one day, I will be worthy of you and the love you give me."

"Eleanor, my darling," John kissed her again, "You are already worthy. You just must accept. As for taking you in my arms, I will gladly do so, but," he pulled away, titling his head, his eyes mischievous, "Are you sure your bum doesn't hurt too much for such endeavors?"

Her laughter filled the room, "I suppose you will have to be very strategic, Lord John."

He laughed and then lifted her up into his arms.

"Mama!" Hope ran to her, "Mama!" she began to cry. "Mama!"

"Hope what is it?" Ellie asked, letting go of where she was giving her boys and Rosie a huge hug to step aside as her youngest daughter opened her arms for her. She lifted her up in her arms, trying to comfort her inconsolable child. She looked to Jamie, who shrugged.

"She bit Rosie again, so she got spanked," Jamie said, "She isna too pleased with me at the moment."

"Did she break skin?" Eleanor asked, worriedly.

John's eyebrows rose and leaned down to Rose, "May I see your arm, Lady Rose?" he asked.

Rosie showed John where Hope bit her, "There are teeth marks, Papa!"

John kissed the spot, "I'm sorry Hope bit you, sweetheart."

"Hope," Eleanor frowned, snuggling her closely, "Why did you bite sissy?"

"I hungry," Hope said, seriously.

John leaned over to kiss her on the head, "teeth are not for biting sissy," he said, sternly, "and if you are hungry, you can ask for a snack."

"Da smacks Hope. Alot," Hope whined.

Sam tugged at John's arm and John leaned down.

"Hope threw food at Da. I wouldna even do that, Papa!"

John fought laughter and reached to put his arms around his godson. "You are very wise not to do so, Samuel."

"Aye," Mac said, eyes wide, "Ye should have seen Da's face. He wasna verra happy."

"I'd imagine not," John said, trying to avoid Jamie's eyes. "Da was quite right to spank Hope."

Eleanor looked between Hope and Jamie, trying to read the situation. "I'm so sorry, Jamie."

Jamie gave her a reassuring smile, "Dinnae fash, Ellie. We can talk later aboot it."

John frowned as he took Hope from Ellie, "Were you not a good girl, young lady?"

"Hope try. Da don't like Hope!"

"Hope!" Mac grunted, "That isna true."

Jamie cleared his throat. "Mac. Sam. Rose. Bree is with Claire. Will ye go find her? Tell them that Lord John and Mama have returned."

"Aye," Mac said and reached for his sibling's hands.

Eleanor watched her children run back to the house. "Were the others good at least?"

"Aye, typical troubles. Rosie was a bit needy," Jamie said.

Eleanor let out a long breath, glancing at John.

"Thank you for watching them, Jamie," John said. "I do hope you got some sleep."

"Aye, some," Jamie said, wryly.

Eleanor laughed and then went to kiss Jamie on the cheek, "We will talk later, Jamie. I am going to go see Claire and Bree. If you gentlemen will excuse me...Come with me Hope, my love."

"Of course, Lady John," Jamie smiled at her and then leaned to give Hope a kiss. "I do like ye, Hope. But I dinnae like yer behavior. Ye must learn to be a gut lassie."

"Da is right," Eleanor said, "He and I are going to talk to you later- just us. But in the meantime, no more biting, k?"

Hope nodded and leaned her head on Ellie's shoulder, "Hope wanna Mama."

"Mama is here now, lovie," Ellie said as she walked away with them, but not before giving John a kiss

Jamie watched them walk and turned to John. "She looks happy."

"Yes, I think she is," John said, "It was good for us."

"I'm verra glad fer it." Jamie said, "Ye both deserve to be content."

He nodded, "Thank you again for watching the children."

"Aye, they are my children as weel," Jamie said, "I dinnae fully realize how the addition of Hope makes an already challenging brood even more so."

John laughed, "Ah, yes. If we can ever get home, Eleanor has consented to a nanny."

"Ah, I think that might be wise fer Eleanor's sake, not the children's."

"I must say I agree," Jamie's tone was so adamant that John knew that things must have been truly very trying for Jamie. He chuckled and then followed Jamie into the house with the bags.

Eleanor kissed Mac on the head, leaning down to wrap her arms around him, "I missed you, my sweet boy."

"Aye, Mama, I ken. I missed ye too." Mac said.

Eleanor smiled at him, "Sweet dreams." She stepped aside to let Jamie give Mac a kiss goodnight, trading places to repeat the same to Sam.

She leaned down, "Thank you for being a very good boy for your Da who had his hands full with your sister. I'm so glad you stayed out of mischief."

"It wasna easy, Mama," Sam said, seriously and Eleanor fought her laughter,

"It never is, darling. That's called our sinful nature."

"But ye are never bad," Sam said, wide eyed.

"Oh my love," She kissed him again on the head, "Lord John would beg to differ. We all have it within us. I was not very kind to Papa at times on our trip. I was mad and I wanted to take it out on someone. The important thing to remember is that when you sin against someone, to apologize and try to make it right. Even adults have a hard time doing so. But I'm glad to know that you are trying hard." She kissed him one more time, "I missed you so much. You and Mac and Rosie and Hope. So very much."

"We missed ye too, Mama." Mac said.

"Aye, Mama. It is so much better when ye are here," Sam said.

"I'm glad to be back here," Ellie said, "Goodnight my loves. Sweet dreams."

"Goodnight, Mama," The boys whispered to her as Jamie snuffed out the candle in their room. He guided Ellie out the door, shutting it behind him.

He raised an eyebrow and titled his head, questioning.

Eleanor shrugged. "Needless to say, you should be very glad you are no longer married to me and John has to carry the responsibility to holding me to task when I don't act like the adult that I am."

He laughed, "Surely, ye were not that bad, lassie."

"I was pretty bad," Eleanor said, flushing. "I was just so frustrated at myself for everything."

Jamie reached out to squeeze her hand, "Ye mustn't be so hard on yeself, lass. Ye carry alot fer us all. I am realizin just how much."

"We should talk about Hope."

"Aye," Jamie nodded. "Come outside on the porch. Tis a fine night."

She nodded, "Let me just tell John where I'll be so he can keep his ear out for Hope and Rosie. They were both hard to settle."

"Aye," Jamie nodded. "Go on. I'll meet you out there."

She found John downstairs talking to Bree, Roger and Claire. She inclined her head and he stepped into the other room with her. "I'm going outside and talking to Jamie about Hope. Can you keep your ear out for the girls?"

"Of course," he said. "Do you want me to join you?"

"No, I don't think it is necessary unless you wish to."

"I trust you and Jamie," John said, his arms around her waist.

"I know you do," Eleanor said, kissing him. "I love you so very much. I was thankful for our time away, but being back with the kids..."

He leaned to kiss her, "I feel the very same," he assured her. "We are a family. And we all belong together."

She gave him one last kiss before reaching for her shawl and joining Jamie out on the porch, sitting in the rocking chair next to him.

They were quiet for a few minutes before Eleanor turned to him, "I'm so sorry about Hope, Jamie."

"Ye dinnae have to apologize to me aboot our daughter," Jamie said.

"No, but..." she paused, "If I had been honest from the start and allowed you access to Hope, then she wouldn't have been testing you so."

"I think she would have still been testin us," Jamie said, "She is two. But she said she was scarrit of me, mo ghraidh."

"Oh," Eleanor let out a long breath, "Jamie...I'm so sorry for that. I know how important it is for you to feel like your children respect you, but do not fear you."

"Aye, tis so," Jamie said. "Ye as weel. That is why the look ye gave me after what happened with Knox..." his voice trailed off. "I never wanted ye to fear the man I am, Eleanor. But perhaps ye should have."

"Jamie, no!" Eleanor reached out to put a hand on his arm. "I am not scared of you. I'm really not. And Hope...it's not about you, really. It's more about how...formidable you are in statue. You are so tall and solid and John is more..."

"Refined?"

"Well, yes, it is what she is used to in a father and that's okay. If she is scared of you, it is because she doesn't know you."

"It doesn't help I have to keep spanking her."

"Have you tried not?" Eleanor asked.

"Eleanor," Jamie grunted, "If she bites, then..."

"Here me out," Eleanor said, holding up her hand, "I think with Mac, Sam and Rosie, you have been the disciplinarian, but there were moments of grace, Jamie. And she needs to see that gentleness and acceptance...and all she can see right now is that she keeps messing up and you keep punishing her. Break the cycle."

"She is two, Eleanor. Surely, she is not that astute..."

Eleanor laughed, "She is very smart, Jamie. Don't underestimate her."

"I would never underestimate a child of ours, lassie," Jamie said, wryly. "Especially since she most likely inherited yer canny mind."

"And my stubborn temper."

"I have been known to be a wee bit stubborn from times to times," Jamie said, with a chuckle.

"You don't say?" Eleanor asked, with mock astonishment.

He laughed harder. "It is verra fine to have ye back with us."

"And I am glad for it," she responded, softly, "But I think after Auntie's wedding, John and I need to go home to Virginia. We have been here for too long. William needs us too."

"Aye, I ken. I am sorry fer it though," Jamie said. "I am realizing how much I am missin being apart from the bairns."

"You have Claire and Bree and Jemmy now. And Fergus and Marsali and their ever growing brood."

"Aye, but our four...they are mine as weel. And they canna be replaced in my heart...I want to be their father, not just a few weeks out of the year, but in every day. Tis why it has been so difficult."

She looked at him, sympathetically, "I know, James. But I can't leave them here again. Not with everything going on. And...I...I need to be their mother as well."

"Aye, I ken," Jamie said, quietly, resigned, "I ken there is no solution. I let Bree go...and William. I just never wished..."

"We are still a family," Eleanor tried to force brightness into her voice, "that will never change, Jamie. I know this will be hard for all of us saying goodbye, but the goodbye isn't permanent." The minute she said it, a stricken look crossed her face, "Tryon has backed off, yes?"

"Aye, I think so," Jamie said, quickly, "Dinnae fash. Ye dinnae...what is it called again?"

"Jinxed us?"

"Aye, ye didn't jinx us. As ye said, tis temporary. I will come a visit Mt. Josiah soon. And in the meantime, we still have Auntie's wedding...and we should talk to Hope."

"Yes, we can together. Maybe if I reassure her about you, it would help. And maybe, you should find something to do with her, something that would make her trust you."

"Like what?" Jamie asked.

She shrugged, "I don't know. What do you think?"

He paused, contemplatively, "Eleanor?" his voice was low.

"Yes?"

"Today was warm. If tomorrow is warm too, how would ye feel if I took Hope swimming?"

The panicked quelled deep within Eleanor, her desperately trying to fight it down. She couldn't speak for a full minute before saying weakly, "Well, it would show her I do trust you."

He reached out for her hand, taking it in his, "If you...if it is too much to let me do so, then I willna be offended. I ken how much it affected ye what happened with Hope."

She bit her other thumb, chewing on it, "I'll be okay, Jamie. Do what you think is best for Hope."

"Ye could come in the water with us," Jamie offered.

She shook her head, "It needs to be Hope trusting you, James. She'll reach for my arms if I am there."

"Aye, I ken," Jamie said, "I just hate to feel that it will make ye feel so out of sorts while it is happening."

"I'll be okay," she repeated. "It's fine. Really. I mean...I am fearful of it, but...I'm fearful of alot of things, frankly."

He squeezed her hand, "I ken. But I have never wished ye to be so. I have always tried to protect ye from it."

She smiled at him, "I know you have...and I'm grateful for you...and John...and how well you care for my heart. But you take Hope swimming and I can talk to John while it is happening. He'll settle me if I get too anxious."

"Aye, he does have a way of soothing yer soul, doesn't he?" Jamie asked.

"Always has," Eleanor squeezed his hand and then dropped it. "I'm going to go back inside. But before I do, I just want you to know that...you are a good father, James Fraser. And I have no regrets about having our four beautiful bairns with you."

"That means alot, mo ghraidh."

"I just hate that you feel so regretful about everything," Eleanor said, hugging her shawl around her as she stood, "My bitterness, I used to want you to feel bad over it, but not anymore."

"Ye have changed, lass." Jamie said.

"I have," she said, "Goodnight, James."

"Sweet dreams, alainn Ros."

She smiled at his nickname for her and then went inside to find Lord John. And once again, peace filled her soul.

A/N: Thoughts?! I was going to include Jo's wedding in this chapter, but it got too long. :) Up next...Jo's wedding and Tryon and Ellie see each other once again.