Shizuo remembered every detail of that night.

He could recall the faces of all the gang members and the Saika controlled individuals. He recalled every single wound he had and how badly they hurt. He remembered everything about that damned fight… Especially the ending.

Izaya had been kneeling on the asphalt, that damned grin on his face even when Varona was holding a gun to the side of his head. Her finger was on the trigger, ready to fire at any second.

But the flea wasn't scared, even when death was ready to take him he was calm. In fact, he seemed to be… Accepting his fate.

Then, just as a flashbang went off in the distance, she pulled the trigger. Light exploded all around Shizuo's eyes, and he had quickly brought his arm over them to protect his vision. When everything cleared, and he was able to see the scene in front of him, his heart stopped.

Izaya's body was on the ground, a hole in the side of his head and blood pooling around him. His arms were splayed unnaturally at his sides, and his eyes blankly stared out at seemingly nothing.

He… He was dead.

The crowd around them erupted in a physical and verbal sense, but Varona didn't seem to care. She put her weapon away and turned to him. "Senpai, let's go," She firmly said.

Shizuo's vision was fading in and out, his heart pounding. "But… We… We have to call an ambulance," He frantically said.

"No," Varona snapped,"He's a monster, Senpai. Let him die. The world will be better without him."

For some reason, Shizuo couldn't bring himself to argue against her. He turned and ran with her, just in time to escape Celty's shadows that began to surround people.

When he looked back, he tried to see a rise and fall from Izaya's chest…. But he was too far to see for sure. All he could tell was that Izaya hadn't moved, and that pool of blood was getting bigger.

For some reason, tears filled the blonde's eyes as he turned and ran away with Varona, forcing himself to not look again.

Part of Shizuo died that night, and the empty space was soon filled with painful guilt.

For years he tried to convince himself otherwise, he tried to come up with a reason that his actions were justified…. But he couldn't. Even if Izaya was a bastard, he was still human. The second he couldn't run or parkour away, he was just as vulnerable as the rest of them.

And Shizuo has used that to his advantage. He tried to tell himself that it was worth it, that Izaya would never bother anyone again… But he still killed him. He took a life, he became the monster that Izaya always said he was.

Yes, Shizuo believed he was to blame for Izaya's death. Even though Varona had been the one to pull the trigger, Shizuo blamed himself completely for Izaya's death.

He was the one that incapacitated Izaya, he was the one who broke his arms. He was the one who told Varona over and over again how much he wanted to kill the raven… But he never actually believed he would do it.

Even years after their final fight, Shizuo still was consumed by that guilt. He managed to hide it well; It helped that life had become much more peaceful… But the guilt was like a parasite, it ate away at him more and more.

There were days where he would stare off at nothing in particular, searching for any sign of that damned fur coat… It never showed up again.

Some nights he would dream of those dead eyes staring at nothing, blood sliding down his chin and his arms twisted in inhuman ways.

There were days where people would point to him and say,"That's him! He's the one who killed Izaya!"

"Don't get on his bad side," Braver ones would warn while pointing towards the man. "Or he might kill you too!"

Sometimes people would even thank him. Why were they thanking him? He didn't do a good deed, he helped kill someone! Why didn't anyone see that!?

But when he tried to argue this point back, some would still reply,"Who cares? He was a bastard, now he's dead. He deserved it."

No, no he didn't. Shizuo thought. He wasn't a god, he was a human being. He was weak and helpless and I just watched as he died. I let him die. I killed him.

I'm a murderer… I'm a monster...

Eventually, Shizuo even started to let himself go. Sure, he still raged and threw people but the rest of his day was spent in a stupor.

He's smoke more than two packs a day sometimes, and when he wasn't smoking he would be drinking.

Too tired to care about his appearance, his bartender suit became wrinkled and dirty. Dyeing his hair was too much of a hassle, it began to fade back to its original brown. The bags under his eyes became very noticeable, as did the weight he was losing.

Many people tried to talk to him, but Shizuo didn't care. He just wanted to fade away from the world, to escape the world that only showed him the sins he committed against weak humans.

It was the only thing a monster like him deserved.

Five years had come and gone.

Shizuo found himself walking alongside Tom, an umbrella held in his shaking hand as the rain poured down on the city.

They had just finished up with another client, and were heading towards the next one. As they passed through the crowd, people whispered and pointed at him. He could hear what they were saying as they passed.

"Killer"

"Orihara Izaya…"

"Monster..."

He frowned, biting his lip and clutching the umbrella tighter. The metal handle began to crumble beneath him.

Tom quickly caught on, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Hey, Shizuo," He casually said,"It's alright, just ignore them. People just like to gossip."

Shizuo shook his head in return, not sure how to explain to his senpai that their gossip was truth. He was a monster, but Tom wouldn't listen to the truth.

Tom seemed to realized he was fighting a worthless fight, so he sighed and turned back to face the street.

Sudden high pitched screams caught the attention of the two debt collectors. Believing it to be foul play, they kept walking. But then those screeches formed words.

"Yuuhei! Over here!"

"Please I want your autograph!"

"Yoo-hoo! Yuuhei~!"

Shizuo stopped, looking towards the crowd of girls with wide eyes. Kasuka's back. He thought in awe. I haven't seen him since he signed that movie deal. Unconsciously, Shizuo moved away from Tom and lurked around the edge of the crowd.

It took Kasuka a few minutes to notice Shizuo since he was busy greeting his fans, taking selfies, and signing autographs. When he finally caught sight of his older brother, he stopped what he was doing to glance up at him.

Knowing there was no way to get through the ocean of fans, Shizuo simply nodded towards him and then headed back towards his senpai. He's been so busy recently, I hope he has the chance to take a break soon.

When he got back to Tom, there was a buzz from his pocket. He stopped and pulled his phone out, noticing that the notification had come from Kasuka. He quickly opened his phone to get a look at it. It read 'Your apartment, 6:00'

Shizuo quickly sent back 'I'll be there' before he could think otherwise, and then stuffed his phone back into his pocket. When he looked back up and saw Tom, his eyes widened. Shit, I forgot about work.

Tom smiled knowingly, as if he already guessed what had happened. "Go home early, Shizuo, and make sure to eat something," He ordered,"I'll take care of the last few on my own."

"Thank you senpai!" Shizuo replied, feeling genuinely happy for the first time in a long while. He was going to see Kasuka! It had been too long, he was so excited!

He quickly hurried through the streets, wanting to get his apartment as presentable as possible. He hadn't exactly been focusing on keeping it clean, so that may take a majority of his time. The scenery blurred past him, he had a one track mind.

Until he saw a familiar coat in the corner of his vision. Shizuo's heart stopped as he skidded to a sudden stop, nearly slipping on the wet sidewalk as he turned to look at- Oh…

A young woman with bright red hair and green eyes, lips shining with a red lipstick as she chatted with someone on her phone. Her coat, now that Shizuo got a better look at it, was too light to be Izaya's.

He watched her walk past, a familiar guilt beginning to swallow him up. He growled and grabbed at his hair, tugging it violently. Stop it! Stop it! Don't think about him! He's gone! I have to be happy, I have to be happy so Kasuka can be happy!

Shizuo quickly took off as fast as he could, not wanting to spend one more second around those painful memories… But they somehow managed to follow him all the way home.

A few hours later, there was a knock on Shizuo's door. He quickly smoothed out his clothes as best he could and then hurried over to open the door.

Kasuka stood there all alone, holding a bag from Russian Sushi in his hand. "Long time no see," He declared, walking into Shizuo's apartment after the latter moved out of the way.

Shizuo felt relieved that he had been able to clean up his apartment in time, he didn't want his younger brother to see how pathetic he was.

They sat down at Shizuo's table and opened up the bag of food, focusing on eating instead of conversing. After a while of this, Shizuo began to feel a little awkward. He quickly tried to come up with a conversation point.

"So… Kasuka," He began, poking at some sushi half-heartedly. "How has that movie deal been going?"

Kasuka finished what he was chewing and responded,"Pretty good, I'll be going back to the states in a few months to do more promotional work before we start the filming for the third movie."

Shizuo smiled in response, always thankful that a least his brother was living a good life. "That's good, I'm really happy for you," He answered honestly.

"What about you?" Kasuka questioned, his eyes seeming to bore into Shizuo's soul to make sure the man answered honestly.

The bodyguard couldn't bring himself to tell the truth, however, so he quickly replied,"Well, things have been good. You know how it can be when you have to deal with annoying people all day."

Kasuka made a curious noise, grabbing their trash and going over to the trash can. Before Shizuo could stop him, he pulled the cover off the can and revealed the piles of empty alcohol bottles underneath it.

Shizuo's face instantly heat up in shame as Kasuka turned to glare at him, the slightest bit of anger visible in his eyes.

"You said you were getting better," Kasuka asscued,"I knew it was a lie. You're not even trying."

The debt collector quickly got to his feet, the chair behind him falling onto its back. "Kasuka, I swear that I'm trying!" He exclaimed.

The actor pointed at the trash can again. "It doesn't look like it to me," He firmly stated.

Knowing he'd been caught, Shizuo buried his face in his hands. "I'm- I'm sorry, Kasuka," He croaked,"I've been trying to get better, I really have been. But every time things start to look better…. I- I think of him. Everything reminds me of him… I- I can't escape!"

Kasuka didn't respond for a few minutes, he simply placed his hand on Shizuo's shoulder as the man struggled in an effort to not cry. He had never admitted the truth before, and that was supposed to take weight off his shoulders but it only made him feel worse.

Them, he heard Kasuka sigh. "Maybe the reason you can't stop thinking about him is because you're surrounded by reminders," He suggested,"When was the last time you left Ikebukuro? Even for a shopping trip?"

Shizuo couldn't come up with an answer, he honestly didn't remember. The closest one he could come up with was when he went to confront Izaya in Shinjuku… But that was over five years ago. He gave a shrug as a response.

Kasuka sighed again, pulling his phone out and typing some things onto it before he replied,"Big brother, take a vacation. I already spoke to Tom and your boss, they want you to get better too. I'll pay for everything, I promise. Leave Ikebukuro for a few weeks, explore Japan. Just enjoy yourself, okay?"

Shizuo wanted to deny the request, but even he could see how his life was falling apart. Maybe getting out of Ikebukuro for a while is what I need… He thought. A change of scenery might do me some good.

"Okay, Kasuka," He decided, rubbing his eyes and looking up at the younger. "I'll take a vacation… But only because you asked me."

Kasuka seemed relieved, and quickly dragged Shizuo to his room in order to help him pack. Shizuo followed, enjoying the rare sight of enthusiasm he saw from his brother. But the second the actor's back was turned, the frown came back onto Shizuo's face.

At least me saying yes is making Kasuka feel better… He thought. But I really don't think some stupid vacation is going to change my life.

Shizuo decided that any vacation he took was going to be far away from Tokyo, and even farther from Ikebukuro. The further he was from those dark memories, the better.

He decided to go to Hokkaido. It was a big prefecture, and there were surely plenty of things to do. Not only were there countrysides and parks, but cities and beaches too.

It was an eight hour trip to Hokkaido by train, and Shizuo managed to spend most of it sleeping. It was amazing, the most rest he had gotten in years. When the train stopped in Sapporo, he found the unfamiliar scenery quite refreshing.

The first thing he did was find the hotel that Kasuka rented ahead of time for him. It was very luxurious and even had room service and a continental breakfast, and a television with more channels than Shizuo had at his own apartment.

Part of him wanted to just stay in the hotel the whole time, relaxing and watching the telly. But he knew that Kasuka would be upset if he did, so Shizuo grabbed a few things and got to exploring.

He took a tour of the Ishiya chocolate factory, explored the clock tower, and bought some sweets from nearby stores. All in all, it was really nice but there were a lot of other tourists around. It was hard to relax around people who couldn't understand half the time.

His second day, he went to Asahiyama memorial park for some peaceful walking time. It was really nice, the most relaxed he'd felt in a while. Maybe I should do more things like this? He thought, pulling his phone out and searching for any nearby parks he could also explore.

Ah, Odori park. He noticed. It's in the heart of Sapporo, but it's a nice park. He quickly searched up a route. If I take the Kita-Hinode train, I could be there in less than two hours!

With that in mind, Shizuo quickly hurried out of the park and towards the station. He wanted to catch the train as soon as he could.

The train was a bit crowded, probably since it was only around ten in the morning. Shizuo did his best to stay out of people's ways, since he knew most the people on the train were likely heading to work.

He managed to squish himself against a window, holding onto one of the rails above him. He stared out the window, and found himself falling into deep thought. I really will have to thank Kasuka. I'm actually enjoying myself for the first time in a while.

The passing scenery was suddenly yanked away as their train caught up to another. Shizuo frowned, but didn't turn his attention away. There wasn't much else to stare at after all. Don't worry, Shizuo. You'll be at Odori park soon, it should be less crowded there.

Just as he began to daydream again, his window came to meet with another. Unconsciously, Shizuo looked up… And gasped.

It was Izaya. He looked a little different, he wasn't facing Shizuo all the way, but the debt collector could recognize him anywhere. Shizuo's brown eyes widened, and he quickly placed his hand against the glass, leaning closer.

"It's you…" He whispered,"You're alive!"

But then the trains jolted, and went back into tunnels, blocking him off from the raven. Shizuo's anxiety leveled exploded at once.

No! Don't leave again! He screamed in his mind, quickly trying to recall the number he saw on the train. He turned, seeing a middle aged man next to him.

"Hey, where does the train we just passed stop at!?" He demanded, making many others stop to look at him.

The man gave him a confused look as he replied,"It stops at the same station, just on the other side."

"Thank you!" Shizuo frantically said, and as soon as the train came to a stop, he shoved his way out and ran as fast as he could to the other side of the station.

When he reached the other side, he skidded to the stop and looked all over the place. There were so many people, but none of them were who he was looking for. Where is he?! Where did he go?! I can't lose him!

He turned to look at the exit, and saw a familiar form hurrying up the stairs. Shizuo's heart skipped a beat, and he quickly dashed through the turnstile gates and up the stairs. The natural light shined in his eyes, knocking his vision out for a moment and forcing him to stop.

As soon as his vision cleared, Shizuo desperately scanned the crowds once more. There he is! Hurrying down the sidewalk and files in his hands was the man he thought he had killed all those years ago.

"Izaya!" He yelled,"Stop! Wait!" He ran through the street, ignoring the screech and honk of the car that nearly hit him. They didn't matter, what mattered was that he finally caught up with him. "Izaya!" He yelled again, grabbing the back of the raven's shirt and yanking him back.

The raven cried out in surprise, dropping the files he had been holding all over the ground. Shizuo turned him around and grabbed his shoulders, shaking the man. "You've been here this whole time?!" The debt collector demanded,"What the fuck were you thinking!? Did you just do it to torture me?!"

The raven's shaky hands grabbed at Shizuo's wrists, frantically tugging and trying to escape. "S-stop it!" He exclaimed,"L-let me go! Please!"

"NO!" Shizuo snapped back, tightening his grip. "Not until you tell me what the hell you were thinking when you did what you did!"

"I don't know what you're talking about!" Izaya yelled back,"I don't even know who you are! P-please let me go!"

Shizuo's heart froze over, his grip loosening and eyes widening in shock. What? He thought, finally taking a second to look closer at Izaya. His eyes… Even when Izaya was tricking the people around him, Shizuo was always able to see the sadistic glee that was hidden behind those false emotions. But this time, the raven's eyes were filled with fear; Genuine and complete utter fear.

In that moment, Shizuo realized that Izaya was telling the truth. He's not lying… He's afraid of me… And.. And...

He doesn't remember me...