Chapter Seventeen

Early that evening, Professor Flitwick entered Headmaster Dumbledore's office.

"Ah, Filius, what a pleasure it is for you to join me!"

"And you too, Albus", Flitwick effused. "You called me in to discuss something?"

"As his head of house when he graduated, do you recall what Gilderoy Lockhart was like as a student?"

The little man threw his hands up in exasperation. "R-Remember him? The young man did everything possible to make sure that you couldn't not remember him! I mean he cast a facial likeness of himself in the sky in some ridiculous warping of The Dark Mark, and…"

"Yes, yes, that will do, Filius. "Now, how would you react if I was to hire him next year as Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher?"

"With all due respect Albus, by firing you into the sun."

The headmaster smiled indulgently before admitting: "And yet, I was thinking of doing so anyway." But before Flitwick could jump up and angrily argue his case, Dumbledore hushed him.

"Yes, I have been considering hiring Gilderoy as our Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher for the next school year, due to a paucity of candidates. That, and Harry Potter's presence here will draw him to the castle like a moth to a flame – he's always felt the need to be the biggest star in any given place and in his mind, Harry will be until he shows up.

You know, every curse-breaker I've hired has tried to lift the curse, I've changed the name of the class, and I've even used portkeys to have classes outside of Hogwarts. Nothing has worked", the headmaster replied with a sigh.

Flitwick made to interrupt, but Dumbledore stopped him before continuing.

"Rest assured, however, that Gilderoy's career is about to reach a most-undistinguished end before he sets foot within any classroom."

Flitwick raised his eyebrows at this, inviting the headmaster to press home the reason.

"I know a couple of wizards whom I suspect had their memories wiped by Gilderoy."

"Can't say I'm surprised. I thought that his books were a load of tosh."

"Indeed. I had actually planned to use the press conference involving Bart Simpson, Ronald Weasley and Gemma Farley, to expose Gilderoy Lockhart. Severus Snape will be fully involved; given his contempt for Gilderoy, I'm sure he'd be all too delighted to participate."

"Yeah, absolutely", Flitwick replied with typical enthusiasm. Honestly, the prospect of the charlatan getting what he deserved was sending him into inward conniptions of happiness, given how much his displays of base narcissism during his time at Hogwarts had annoyed Flitwick.

"So what would you have me do at this press conference, should Lockhart try to flee?"

"A simple Levitation Charm should suffice, my dear Filius."

"Whom will you replace Lockhart with?" the miniscule professor asked.

"I'm considering my options", Professor Dumbledore responded cryptically. After a brief silence, he decided to probe: "What do you think of Bartholomew Simpson?"

"In terms of sheer, unbridled natural talent, Mr. Simpson might well be the most talented first-year to ever set foot in a Charms classroom. However, his homework is very disappointing for somebody with such natural talent. In fact, the written work I've seen would only scrape an Acceptable. I can't figure out if he has no interest in theoretical concepts or whether he just loses concentration when his natural magical talent can't save the day."

The headmaster nodded thoughtfully. "I'll see what his end-of-year marks are like before I come to any further conclusions. Now, how is he as a person?"

"He seems like a modest, polite, sincere child."

Dumbledore nodded in understanding.

Tom Riddle came off as being exactly the same when he wanted to ingratiate himself with teachers – no doubt to manipulate them into giving him information.

"Did you teach Bart how to use the Confounding Charm?"

"No, but he asked about it."

So he learnt and performed the charm all by himself them after manipulating Filius into explaining what the charm was. He then used the Confounding Charm to trick other students into letting him into various common rooms. He also used the charm twice when leading the quartet against Voldemort – to trick the queen into attacking the king, and to force a set of armour to step aside, the centenarian mused.

He wondered whether he needed to keep a closer eye on Bart than before, lest he do something so stupid that he endangered the school. The aged mage figured that a conference with Bart's Head of House might address the issue, rocky though relations between Bart and Professor Snape were.

"Filius, that ends our meeting; thank you very much for your time. If you could notify Severus that I wish to see him, that would be appreciated greatly." Dumbledore stated.

"Absolutely no problem at all, Albus" enthusiastically replied Filius as he jauntily made his miniscule way out the door.

Sure enough, a week later, at the morning of the press conference in the Great Hall, sat Bart, Gemma, Ron and Headmaster Dumbledore, facing down a media scrum so ravenous that saliva was literally dripping down their shirts.

Bart was wearing a snake mask. He wanted to not only honour Slytherin, but also display to the prejudiced Gryffindors in particular, that indeed, Slytherins and Gryffindors could work together for the greater cause: stopping Lord Voldemort. Of course, the Slytherin snake mask meant that the attention would mostly go towards Bart, which of course is what he wanted.

An outsider would conclude that, such was Lockhart's fame, the media pack were simply 'ravenous' to get any sight of the 'miracle magician' himself.

However, Bart, Gemma, Ron and the headmaster knew better, as did Professor Flitwick, whom while not attending the press conference had a front-row seat, with Professor Snape sitting alongside him, to the sight of one of this era's biggest wizarding frauds having his career and reputation reduced to spell sparks in front of him.

Despite Lockhart's lack of consideration for others, Flitwick felt a pang of sympathy for the conman. Having your career end in disgrace was not something the dwarf would wish on anyone – except Voldemort. Still, he had ruined other people's lives for personal gain and had to pay the price. After all, he benefited from full memory; his poor victims did not. He turned to examine Professor Snape's features. While Snape appeared stoic, his eyes burnt with a predatory hunger – a hunger reflected by his own thoughts.

I despise frauds, egotists and buffoons. I respect those who have the skill to match their words, and Lockhart's skill is about a hundredth of what he depicts in his stories, no doubt designed to draw money out of the ignorant, foolish and gullible. Lockhart being shown up today, partially by my hand no less, will be very sweet indeed.

Sure enough, the showboat sauntered in, expecting rapturous applause from all present. He certainly got it from much of the student base, but the media seemed rather stiff in their applause. Lockhart seemed taken aback by this, so the canny headmaster gestured to the press by 'raising the roof'.

Taking the hint, the press soaked the conman with applause. To that, the prince of pomposity himself jumped on the table and gave a mock bow to the apparently adoring press cauldron, to which they responded to laying it on thicker.

I guess these people are so well-versed in sucking up to real celebrities that pretending to suck up to a fake one like Lockhart is child's play. Little does Lockhart know that this is the last time he will get to do that without having half of wizarding England's tomatoes thrown at him, Professor Snape inwardly snarked as he took in Lockhart's showmanship with measured contempt.

As if the mock bow wasn't enough, Lockhart channelled his inner Fred Astaire by doing a deft little tap-dance around the table before sitting in the middle of the press conference; better for a celebrity to take centre-stage, even one on the verge of losing his.

Bart observed Lockhart's behaviour with great amusement.

Looks like this Lockhart dude has taken a few pages from the Book of Bart, he noted with approval. Too bad he's not actually going to be our teacher; that'd actually be pretty cool. I can just imagine it now...

"Now I think a little quiz is a good icebreaker for our first class, don't you? Now it wouldn't be very proper of me if I didn't assess how up to speed you students are with my books. I mean, how I can teach you if you're not properly familiar with my greatness first? After all, since I'm so great, why wouldn't you listen to me? Every single word of mine ought to be documented for the ages so generations of young aspirants can become as great as I – not that they will of course!" the smug sorcerer concluded.

Daphne rolled her eyes contemptuously at that statement, Tracey tapped her fingers on the desk in annoyance, while Draco smirked in contempt.

Yeah, as far as you're concerned, your dragon-dodging daddy is the only great wizard around isn't he Drain-o? That, and maybe old Vold, Bart thought to himself, remembering how the elder Malfoy missed incriminating Hagrid for allowing a dragon onto school property, plus Draco chewing out Bart for using Voldemort's name in front of Quirrell.

When Lockhart handed out the test papers he went, "You have thirty minutes, starting from…now!"

Bart read the questions in front of him:

1. What is Gilderoy Lockhart's favourite colour?

2. When was Gilderoy Lockhart born?

3. Who was Gilderoy Lockhart's mother?

4. Who was Gilderoy Lockhart's biggest adversary?

5. In what country did Gilderoy Lockhart defeat the Wagga Wagga werewolf?

6. Is Gilderoy Lockhart more beautiful than everything else in the universe, including the black holes?

7. What, in your opinion, is Gilderoy Lockhart's greatest achievement to date?

And finally:

54. When is Gilderoy Lockhart's birthday?

55. What would his ideal gift be?

As he did so, an evil grin spread across his snake, as he heard Daphne sigh in exasperation while Tracey tapped her fingers ever faster in vexation.

Bart responded to the questions as follows:

1. Vomit

2. Too soon

3. Some stupid bitch

4. Some dude

5. Bonerland

6. Nah, the black holes are sexier

7. Ripping the world's loudest fart

And finally:

54. Same as Voldemort's

55. A jail sentence

Bart uncharacteristically finished the questions in record time. Not that he cared – it was never about the result, it was about trolling Lockhart as much as possible.

Sure enough, when Lockhart picked up and read Bart's answers, his face became as red as Mars. By the time he finished, he looked all too ready to eviscerate Bart right there and then. For the moment though, he merely spluttered incoherently. For his part, Bart was trying not to burst out laughing.

Then Lockhart spoke.

"You dare…you dare to mock my accomplishments and my passions? But why, Bart, you're a mere peon next to me, the noble, mighty Gilderoy Lockhart!" Lockhart fumed.

For sure, this wasn't the side of himself that the man typically revealed to the public. It was really good for Bart to know that, underneath all the posturing and posing, Lockhart's skin was so thin that it could be cut with a feather.

He's easier to piss off than Skinner, Bart mused. He had always admired – and played off – Principal Skinner's stoicism.

But before Bart could react, Lockhart whipped out his wand – but then dropped it after twirling it extravagantly. Bart could stay silent no more as he burst out laughing; his laughter echoing across the halls.

After Bart stopped laughing, he responded, shouting for extra emphasis, "But seriously dude, STUPEFY!"

Bart then jumped on the table and bowed to the rest of the class as Lockhart went down with a thud. Predictably, he was met with applause by everybody except Draco's posse, who were looking most displeased. Even Daphne and Tracey, who were irritated by Lockhart's antics, applauded.

Drifting back to reality, Bart sighed wistfully as he tried to contain his laughter. He quickly focused though, realising that the press conference was about to begin.

Lockhart, of course, decided to commandeer it like a sea captain would a ship.

"Ah, it's so good to be back here, at Hogwarts, the place that helped make Gilderoy Lockhart into Gilderoy Lockhart, acclaimed defeater of dark creatures, best-selling author, Order of Merlin winner, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defence League and last but not least, the darling of Witch Weekly.

But I didn't come here to brag about my successes! I came here to answer questions from my many friends in the press! So Miss Skeeter, why don't you begin?" Lockhart asked, pointing to a blonde, green-eyed, curly-haired witch who possessed a smug expression, a Quick-Quotes Quill and a notepad, before taking a swig of the drink in front of him.

Rita Skeeter? Didn't Dumbledore warn us about her? Bart thought, looking towards Gemma and Ron for an indicator. Sure enough, their eyes hardened.

Better not say anymore to her than I absolutely have to then.

"Absolutely Gilderoy. Now tell me, is it true that you saved an entire village in Armenia from werewolves?"

"No, a local warlock did that. But he was ugly, old and had no dress sense. You wouldn't put his mug on a coaster, much less a book. So I decided to take the credit for what he did. People are very pliable once you apply memory charms on them, you know."

Why the hell would you admit THAT? Bart thought as a tidal wave of murmuring consumed the entire student body. The young wizard quickly looked towards the teaching faculty, who looked remarkably smug sitting in front of the student body. Professor Snape in particular looked like he was having his best day ever. He then looked to Gemma and Ron, who had the same identical, knowing smirk.

They know something I don't, Bart realised. But then he thought back to the meeting the three had with their venerable Headmaster a few days ago.

Bart, Gemma and Ron were sitting before their magical mage. When Ron saw Bart, he nodded stiffly at him, no doubt acknowledging Bart's role in getting him a higher profile among the wizarding community. Bart nodded respectfully, inwardly being relieved that Harry had apparently not told Ron what went down between Voldemort, Harry and Bart. If he had, the hot-tempered Gryffindor sitting beside him would have let him know very quickly.

"So are we all ready for this meeting? Bart? Ronald? Miss Farley?" Each politely nod.

The superb sorcerer then outlined how questions from Rita Skeeter warranted nothing other than a "no comment", explaining that Skeeter's articles had harmed both his personal reputation and the school's.

"Also…under no circumstances mention Harry Potter's role in this whole affair. The boy clearly resents his fame and clearly would long to be a normal Hogwarts student, given how he has refused to participate in this press conference. We will give him this privilege, especially since Gryffindor has already received points for his involvement in defeating Lord Voldemort. If somebody mentions Harry's name by mistake, I will cast a spell forcing them to correct their mistake."

"OK, so who takes credit for Harry's achievements, if they're brought up?" Bart asked.

Interesting, Gemma thought. Bart refers to Harry Potter by his first name. They must be friends. Usually I would discourage Bart from befriending Gryffindors, but being known as friends of Harry Potter would gain the Farley family name a certain amount of status. Unfortunately, we can no longer reasonably expect to remain neutral if that was the case. We would have to join the Order of the Phoenix, which would make us targets for the Dark Lord.

I think father and I would agree that we shouldn't openly associate our family with Harry Potter for the time being. But I'm happy enough to let Bart and Potter associate with one another, so long as they are discreet. Potter must have been pretty talented to stop the Dark Lord, so maybe he can teach Bart a few things.

"It depends on the question being asked. For example, Ron could say that he dived to grab the ring after Gemma's stunner shot it down. As for who killed Quirrell, we could say that Bart used his Bāsākā attack to engage Quirrell in an intense duel, claim that Quirrell had a heart condition, and that he simply died of a heart attack because his body couldn't handle the intensity."

"Should Voldemort be exposed?"

"It may cause a panic, and may cause political complications for me, but ultimately it is the right thing to do. It is better for people to know of Voldemort's return now, when he lacks a corporeal body, than when he does have a body and has free reign to unite his followers and create chaos.

Now onto more pressing matters – the famous author-adventurer Gilderoy Lockhart has decided to grace Hogwarts with his presence during the press conference."

What kind of weirdo names their kid Gilderoy? Bart thought with a snigger before examining both Ron and Gemma's reactions. Neither seemed very impressed, but for what reasons Bart couldn't discern.

Bart had also noted how the headmaster had said the word 'grace' with the subtlest of sharp edges.

Oh, is something going down?

Almost as if having heard Bart, the aged mage responded in the affirmative.

"I believe that a couple of my associates had their memories wiped by Gilderoy, so he could take credit for their accomplishments. I used Harry Potter's celebrity status to lure Gilderoy to Hogwarts, and I anticipate that he'll be exposed as the fraud that he is and will end his career accordingly. He will most likely spend time in prison."

Ron looked appalled.

"Serves him right if he goes to Azkaban, then!" the fiery Gryffindor emoted.

"Indeed, young Ronald." the headmaster agreed.

Gemma's facial expression didn't change, but she wasn't particularly surprised at these revelations.

I've read a few of his books and I was never really convinced that his feats were real. Many of them would have required extraordinary power and talent. Everything I've heard from various wizarding circles suggests that Lockhart was at best an above-average wizard; certainly not one capable of performing the magical feats described in his books. I guess Dumbledore's explanation just confirms that he's a fraud, she thought with a shrug.

Meanwhile, Bart seemed nonplussed. So he's a con-man who got caught? Meh, nothing to see here.

"So how will he be exposed?" Bart asked.

"You'll figure that out in due course, young Bart", came one of Dumbledore's trademark ambiguous replies. "Now, this discussion will remain a secret, I trust?" The trio nodded and with that, the meeting concluded.

Of course! That drink was spiked with some sort of potion, Bart thought as his mind warped back to the present, thinking back to the time he had accidentally got Edna Krabappel fired by spiking her drink. Maybe one that makes you tell the truth? I can sort of see why my dear headmaster might not want to tell me about such a potion. Imagine me using it against Drain-o, or Captain Hook, or Homer, or even Lisa. Seriously though, I have to figure out how to get this potion.

For his part, Lockhart looked shocked. I didn't mean to say that! W-what's going on? Oh…no…I remember Slughorn discussing this back in the day…this is Veritaserum, the truth potion! Oh no, I have to get out of here!

But before he could overcome his shock, he was asked another question.

"Valerian Williamsum from The New York Ghost here", a brown-haired reporter with spectacles began. "Tell me, Mr. Lockhart, did you banish the Bandon Banshee?"

Lockhart covered his mouth in order to try and avoid responding, much to the amusement of the entire room, but his hands quickly, and seemingly unwillingly, separated from his mouth.

Why did his hands just move? Bart asked, before the answer hit him. Dumbledore.

"NoIdidn'titwasawitchwithahairychin", the conman quickly replied, obviously hoping to not be heard properly.

"So…you're saying that you didn't?" Valerian responded with a wry grin, as the room laughed.

"That'sright!" Lockhart quickly blurted out. "Look, uh, I have to end this press conference now! Nice meeting you all!" He sprinted towards the exit, but before he could get there he was knocked down with a stunner, before being levitated a few feet into the air.

The room roared even louder with laughter, as a square-jawed witch with grey copped hair and a monocle rose. Her visage was marked by sternness as she unfailingly trained her wand upon the fallen flim-flam man. Formidable though she looked, Bart only spared one thought:

Dear god, she looks like a cross between a lesbo, a granny and one of those rich snobs!

She then pointed her wand at her throat and cast a Sonorus charm – the resultant volume was enough for Bart to spray his drink around the table, to the amusement of his playful headmaster, his indulgent Transfiguration teacher and the wider student faculty. However, Ron, Gemma and Professor Snape all glared at him in annoyance.

The speaker herself surveyed Bart with no small degree of annoyance before restarting, though her eyes brooked no real malice; just irritability.

Hmmm…seems she doesn't really like me. That's OK; nothing new.

"My name is Amelia Bones. Some of you may know me as the Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. Upon surveying the evidence generously provided to us, and presumably the global wizarding press, by Professor Dumbledore, we conclude that Gilderoy Lockhart has used the memory charm to illegally, and without consent, alter the memories of both British and foreign nationals. We believe that he has profited off such illegal deeds. He may be extradited to Armenia to face trial and possible imprisonment. If he has been seen to be profiteering off crime, then his books will be withdrawn from bookstores immediately. That is all."

Bart froze up when he heard the name 'Bones'.

Bones? Oh crap, I used the Confundo charm on that chick Susan Bones to get into Huffle-poof's common room!

Also…that's right! This woman wanted Gemma's parents to stand trial for supposedly helping Voldemort!

Looking over at Gemma quickly, he saw that the prefect was piercing the older witch with a petrifyingly murderous gaze. For her part, when she laid eyes upon Gemma, Madame Bones retaliated with a gaze of her own, with a scowl to match.

No love lost there, Bart thought. She might be a dyke, but she means business. I'll have to stay away from her and lil' Suzi as much as possible.

Meanwhile, when Madam Bones spoke of Professor Dumbledore's involvement in providing incriminating evidence against Lockhart, the headmaster found himself drifting back to the time in which he did that. Basically, all that he needed to do was lure the egotistical, self-gratifying Lockhart to his office for an interview, and after engaging in small talk that would have disarmed an angry samurai, he quickly neutralised Lockhart with a Stupefy.

The aged mage then infiltrated Lockhart's mind, confirmed his charlatanism, extracted his memory and placed it into a vial, performed a multitude of Geminio charms and sent them off via owl before the memories could degrade.

With Lockhart's career and freedom having vanished like a puff of smoke, he was re-enervated by Madame Bones. Professor Flitwick then removed the Levitation Charm, after which Lockhart was hauled away by the troupe of aurors that Madame Bones bought with her.

After Madame Bones left, the room broke into rapturous applause, with Professor Dumbledore milking the occasion for all it was worth by standing up and bowing. Even Rita Skeeter was moved to tepid applause, while Professors Flitwick and Snape were smiling and clapping their hands like everybody else; Flitwick more so.

Wow…I don't think Captain Hook's smiled that much since the Summer of '69, Bart thought, bemused by the professor's display of relative effervescence.

After the applause had died down, Professor Dumbledore invited the press conference to begin questioning the students. Predictably, Rita Skeeter began first.

"So Bart, you are clearly an American citizen, am I right?" the savage scribe began.

"No comet; I mean, comment", Bart replied. Chuckles diffused among the student body, although most of the staff rolled their eyes, as did Daphne, Hermione and Draco's posse. Harry, meanwhile, remained resolutely neutral in his facial expression, although internally he feared that his role in fighting Voldemort would be exposed.

Skeeter narrowed her eyes at that response.

Coached by Dumbledore I see. No matter; my Quick-Quotes Quill will…wait, where did it go?

She immediately turned and gave Professor Dumbledore the deadliest of death glares, but the headmaster simply gave her an innocent expression, belying his less-than-innocent thoughts.

Now, Ms. Skeeter, we can't have you spreading libel about Bart now, can we? That wasn't what you were invited here for.

Williamsum then repeated the question, at which point Skeeter furiously collected her remaining belongings and stormed out of the hall in a huff, as large portions of the student body and staff faculty sniggered, her writings having touched so many of them in negative ways. Gemma and Ron visibly snickered as she left, while the headmaster displayed one of his patented looks of serene contentment.

After Bart responded in the affirmative, Williamsum asked another.

"Why are you in Hogwarts instead of Ilvermorny then?"

"Well", Bart admitted sheepishly, "I was a bad widdle boy."

"How?" replied Mr. Williamsum, as sniggers spread throughout the hall, with the usual suspects rolling their eyes.

"Well…I crashed my broomstick into the headmaster's butt."

At this, the Great Hall went off like a bomb, with prior silence being replaced by laughter so loud that it almost drove Bart deaf. However, not everyone laughed. Hermione and Daphne rolled their eyes again, while Professor Snape seemingly wanted to spontaneously disembowel Bart. Harry, meanwhile, retained the same studied, resolute mien as before. It was almost like he was an oasis of serenity in an otherwise raucous hall.

How long can he keep this up for? Bart wondered, knowing full well how excitable Harry could be.

The next questions were answered as agreed by Ron, Gemma, Bart and Professor Dumbledore. The story outlined to the press was ultimately as follows.

Firstly, Gemma confronted Bart at the third-floor corridor on the right hand side and convinced Bart that she could help him stop Voldemort.

Secondly, Ron, who was sneaking around using Harry's invisibility cloak while Harry was sleeping, caught them and blackmailed them into letting him come along.

Thirdly, Bart and Gemma did most of the heavy lifting. It was Ron that dived for the key after Gemma brought it down with a stunner. Ron's knowledge of chess and Bart's trickery with swords and spells saved the day there, while Gemma and Bart jointly used the Confundus Charm on the giant and the armoured suit, so it would leave them alone.

Finally, Gemma solved the potions riddle, before they jumped into the fire, only to face Quirrell. The wicked wizard tried to kill them both with Killing Curses, but Bart retaliated by casting the Bāsākā curse, challenging his former teacher to a duel. Just before Bart dropped to the floor in exhaustion, Quirrell clutched his heart and fell down dead on the floor. A spirit rose and said some words before trying to attack Bart. Professor Dumbledore, Snape and Ron then burst in. Points had already been awarded, so no need to discuss those.

"Igor Zhirkov, The Magical Moscow Times. Who was responsible for telling Quirinus Quirrell how to pass the Cerberus?"

"Professor Quirrell used a powerful Confundus charm on Rubeus Hagrid in order to extract that information, Igor", the aged mage neutrally responded. Truth be told, Hagrid had given that information of his own volition, but the professor couldn't very well tell the press that – it would endanger Hagrid's job and welfare.

"So you are saying that that spirit was Lord Voldemort?" Mr. Williamsum asked the headmaster.

"Indeed I am, Valerian."

"And that's means…h-he's still alive?" Mr. Williamsum stuttered. Lord Voldemort's influence might not have stretched far in the United States, but he still murdered many American combatants and indoctrinated some vulnerable Americans into his Death Eater cult.

"Yes."

With that one, simple word, the hall was suddenly awash with panic, with students screeching hysterically or crying about lost loved ones. Harry was one of the few who didn't outwardly react, though Bart could see a glimmer of fear emerge into his eyes, even from where he sat. Not to mention that the bespectacled boy sank almost imperceptibly into his chair.

Eventually, Dumbledore used a Sonorus charm before roaring "SILENCE! The press conference is still ongoing!" After the din, had died down, another journalist introduced herself in an alluring French accent.

"Monique Giroud, Le Monde Magique. Mr. Simpson, are you truly having us believe that Harry Potter, the hero who made You-Know-Who disappear, did not play any part in this affair?"

"That's what I'm saying, toots", Bart flippantly replied in fluent French, before translating to English. Murmurs swept across the room and even Miss Giroud was taken aback.

That should shut the bitch up. It would shut any American journo up.

However, it gave rise to an unexpected question from Miss Giroud.

"Are…are you the Bartholomew Simpson that was hailed as a national hero last year, after stopping those evil winemakers? Are you the one that won a medal, appeared on magazines and got kissed by a beauty queen?"

"Why, yes I am", Bart smugly replied, leading to a shockwave of muttering and even applause. Harry himself, previously a picture of uncharacteristic calm throughout the conference, gave him a small smile of appreciation. Everybody else seemed shocked; even Daphne, Gemma, Hermione and Draco – they didn't think that the American student from an unpretentious Muggle-born background would be able to speak French like them.

"Mr. Simpson, France will always owe you a debt", Miss Giroud began while inclining her head in respect, before taking advantage of any complacency to swoop in for the kill. "Now, was Harry Potter really sleeping in the dorms?"

Time for another quick ass-pull, Barty-boy.

"Ron said he was; they're from the same house. Ron and Harry fell out with one another and they weren't talking at that time. But how the hell should I know? I'm not Ron."

Yet again, he received a glare from Miss Giroud and Professor Snape, and rolled eyes and chuckling from the rest of the hall. However, the reaction Bart was searching for was Harry's.

To his relief, it looked as if Harry had relaxed completely. He gave Bart a small smile and nod of gratitude. It may not have meant much, but to Bart it meant the world.

Maybe there's a chance of us repairing our friendship after all, Bart thought, feeling considerably more light-headed than he had for a long while.

However, the last question came from an altogether unexpected source.

"Xenophilius Lovegood, the Quibbler."

After he uttered that sentence, the room exploded into laughter. The Quibbler was anything but a serious periodical; in fact, it was a tabloid that typically published rumours as facts. Even Ron and Gemma exploded in laughter.

After the room's laughter died down, sniggers notwithstanding, the Headmaster decided to intervene before Xenophilius could ask Bart a question.

"Xenophilius, is there any particular reason why you may be here, indoors, when summer weather is coming?"

"Well, what sort of serious editor and fact-finder would not want to get the scoop on how You-Know-Who was defeated?" Xenophilius replied in a whimsical tone, candyfloss-textured hair hanging beside him all the while.

The Professor sighed. "Xenophilius, we don't even know whether you print in your books is true or false. I doubt even you know. What if you print something ridiculous about Bart and harm his reputation?"

Xenophilius bowed his head. "Headmaster, I have a normal pen here. What Bart says, goes in the Quibbler. But may I be allowed freedom to editoralise?"

"If your editorials are not damaging to young Bart's reputation, then yes. But I shall review the first editorial. If it does not meet my standards, it shall not be published."

Xenophilius bowed his head deferentially. "Very well, Headmaster."

But I can still have fun with the questions I'm asking, the editorialist thought with a cheeky smile, as he asked the question that no serious journalist dared ask.

"Bart, what's with that snake mask on your head?" prompting loud laughter from the Weasley twins, but rolled eyes and milder laughter elsewhere. Snape, of course, glared at Bart; eyes evoking malice.

Attention-seeking brat, the acerbic professor thought. Who would have thought that a Slytherin would be the end of me?

However, Bart's subsequent answer gave him some pause.

"I wore a snake mask to respect my house, but also to show to the school that Slytherins and Gryffindors, like Gemma and Ron here, CAN-WORK-TOGETHER! Bart shouted, suddenly jumping on the table.

"NOW, IF THESE TWO HOUSE RIVALS CAN WORK TOGETHER IN BEATING VOLDEMORT; THEN WHY-CAN'T THE ENTIRE SCHOOL! AGAINST TWO HOUSES, VOLDEMORT SHOWED THAT HE COULD BE BEATEN! AGAINST AN ENTIRE SCHOOL, HE HAS NO CHANCE! SO LET'S-DO-THIS-THING! VOLD-NO-MORE! VOLD-NO-MORE! VOLD-NO-MORE! COME ON, SHOUT WITH ME!"

Bart then pumped his fist up in the air for effect. Almost the entire school cheered raucously at this display and started chanting after each call of VOLD-NO-MORE! Truth be told, Bart was playing them like a fiddle – even Hermione half-heartedly joined in.

The Slytherins however, did not move. Some of them did give Bart small smiles of appreciation, some rolled their eyes, and some, namely the Death Eater sympathisers, were glaring at Bart hatefully, with Draco's gaze being more intense than any other.

A Mudblood stealing my thunder and mocking Slytherin house with that bloody mask. This should not be allowed to stand.

"The Mudblood will get what's coming to him, dear", the pug-faced girl next to him cooed.

"Of course he will, Pansy. I'll make sure of it!"

Professor Snape himself felt conflicted about Bart's speech. He could accept that the snake mask was a sincere mark of respect, but given Bart's insincerity one could never be certain.

A unity platform between Slytherins and Gryffindors would have been unthinkable in his day, but Bart was a relatively unique Slytherin – a pragmatist who was willing to form alliances with members of rival houses to further his interests, or even when it was the right thing to do.

Stopping Voldemort was incontestably correct, although he doubted Bart's motives for doing so were pure – an issue to be raised with the Headmaster in the next meeting involving the boy.

Of course, he despised Bart's loud, populist approach to geeing up the school, but he had to concede that the brat was good at it.

Professor Dumbledore felt it prudent to end the press conference on that triumphant note.

Despite young Bart's antics, I believe that press conference could have gone a lot worse. Gilderoy was exposed, Harry's role in the affair was kept secret throughout, the press bought our story about our confrontation with Voldemort and now everybody knows that Voldemort has returned, and are galvanised against him for the time being thanks to Bart marshalling the faculty, rather than leaving the room in fear.

With that, he left the hall with his characteristic flourish.

Your move, Tom…

Author's Notes for Chapter Seventeen

First, sorry for the 9 month delay. I've been busy with work, travelling through Europe and have had to deal with personal problems. All apologies, guys.

Italic quotations represent Bart speaking French.

I do have part of Chapter Eighteen written, so I hope that will be faster off the rank.

It would just seem like common sense to not allow somebody like Gilderoy Lockhart within a million miles of a school. Far smarter to expose him in front of the press, which he has always dined on. Too bad the dish was poison…

Lockhart's departure (for now if not forever) is a significant break from canon, but I feel that it's worth it given the fundamental ridiculousness of his hiring. Bart vs Lockhart would have admittedly been a hoot, so I decided to show a snippet of what might have been had Lockhart become a teacher, as in canon.

It would seem like common sense to undermine Rita Skeeter's ability to print lies. I'm astonished that it wasn't attempted in canon more.

I've decided to expose Voldemort early. It would be the moral, ethical thing to do despite potential political problems. Dumbledore is manipulative, but at heart he will do the right thing by the greatest number of people most of the time – which exposing Voldemort IMO is. Better for him to be exposed now than when he's powerful, I say.

If you're a Chelsea FC fan, you'll recognise some of the surnames here. ;)

Bart shouting 'VOLD-NO-MORE' is a reference to the Asbestos chant from 'Lisa's Substitute'. I didn't invoke that directly though, because in this universe Bart would not have had a prayer of becoming 'Class President', since his classmates usually hated or feared him.

I've upped the swearing a tad here. You will see more of it as Bart gets older.

Canonically, Hermione speaks French. In my experience, a number of wealthier Brits do speak French, so I've made out that Daphne/Draco/Gemma can as well.

bauers374: RE Revelations 1:16 – the chapter was full of revelations, this is Book 1, and we were at Chapter 16.

Nonyaarb: I aim to please all 5 of my readers!