Notes: Title from "Don't Let Me Get Me" by P!NK. Posting this basically so my readers know I still live! I post my progress on fic as well as misc. drabbles & excerpts on tumblr, so if you're worried about me, you can always check there. tumblrs: kolbiethewriter (for fic in general) & phantom-pain-in-my-ass (for bdfmn specific stuff)

Birthday

"Tch. Knew I'd find you here," Hajime says, snagging the empty swing next to Oikawa when he doesn't respond beyond a small smile. Not a fake one, but not nearly genuine enough to appease Hajime - or to convince him that this time is any different from the rest.

He looks at Oikawa, noting the absence of tear tracks or any sort of wetness on his cheeks. The sadness that weighs him down like a physical thing on this day is there, though, as is the horrible, gut-wrenching feeling that Oikawa could fade away at any moment, as transient and fleeting as a ghost.

As if Hajime would ever let that happen.

"Iwa-chan," Oikawa breaks the heavy silence, still not looking at him, "do you believe in reincarnation?"

Any other time and Hajime would scoff, would mock Oikawa for asking such a silly question, would tease him and tell him his karma is so awful that he'd probably become a dung beetle in his next life, and it would serve him right.

Now, he gives the question due consideration, leaving the pondering of why Oikawa would ask such a thing for later. "I don't know. Maybe. I don't think it's impossible, anyway," he answers, and privately, he thinks being reincarnated with Oikawa wouldn't be such a bad thing. A headache and a half, certainly, but spending eternity with his best friend, even if they forget everything each cycle...

It makes death less of a scary consequence, at any rate, if he thinks there's a chance Oikawa would find him eventually afterward.

"But what if something goes wrong?" Oikawa asks next.

"Like what?"

He clarifies, "What if their memories aren't erased? They've died and moved onto their next life, but the slate hasn't been wiped clean. For some reason, they still remember everything."

And again, Hajime doesn't demand answers because this seems important to Oikawa, even if he doesn't know why. "It would suck," is his conclusion, after some thought, and it's this that finally makes Oikawa look at him.

"Wouldn't it?" he asks, and it's mystifyingly bitter. "It would be terribly lonely. You're the one who died, you drift away secure in the knowledge that your loved ones will mourn you but that they'll eventually move on, you're expecting a peaceful rest where nothing will hurt anymore, and suddenly, you're reborn, and it's as if they're the ones who died, they're the ones who've gone off to someplace where you can't ever see or touch or speak to them again." His voice breaks on those last words, hands trembling where they're wrapped around the chains of the swing, and grief steals over his face, harsh and unforgiving.

"Oikawa…" Hajime says, bewildered and alarmed and concerned, wanting nothing more than to wipe that look off his best friend's face. Something so desolate and pained doesn't belong there, not on a face more suited to impish smiles and smug smirks and ridiculous pouts.

"Just how evil does a person have to be to get saddled with such an awful reward when they die?" Oikawa asks, almost pleading, and suddenly Hajime understands what this is about, kind of.

Not the context, but- Oikawa is looking for reassurance and comfort, and while not an expert in providing such things normally, Hajime is well versed in doing these things for Oikawa, who is special enough (in both a good and bad way) that Hajime has taught himself how out of sheer necessity.

"Maybe it's not about being evil or not evil," Hajime says, each word measured and calm as he contemplates how to get his point across. "Maybe it's not a mistake either. Leaving loved ones behind sucks, but if you think about it, couldn't keeping your memories be seen as an opportunity?"

Startled, Oikawa just stares at him, expression unreadable.

Fumbling for a good explanation of his thoughts, he goes on, "Not necessarily a good or bad opportunity. Just- a second chance. Maybe.. it's what you make of it." He shrugs helplessly, not sure whether he's even making sense.

But… something of what he said must have gotten through to Oikawa, who gapes at him, thoroughly shocked. After an endless moment, he laughs, and fortunately, there's nothing bitter about it, the sound clear and happy and wondering.

"As expected, Iwa-chan knew exactly what to say, despite having no idea what was going on," Oikawa says, and his brown eyes are almost too warm and affectionate as they land on him, enough so to make Hajime flush in a weird mix of embarrassment and pleasure. "It's what you make of it, huh?" he repeats quietly to himself, and as Hajime watches, that inexplicable and uncharacteristic sadness is replaced with inflexible steel and the fiery determination Oikawa usually reserves for the court.

"Isn't it always?" Hajime asks, relaxing as he always does when Oikawa goes into the 'zone' - because whatever the hell this was, Oikawa's decided he's going to move forward, that he's going to win against some unbeatable odd, no matter what, and as usual, Hajime has absolute faith that Oikawa's going to succeed. Especially when Oikawa rewards him with that confident smirk he's used to seeing right before Oikawa leads their team to victory.

They share a long look-

(thank you, iwa-chan

as if i'd leave you alone, idiot)

-but of course, the moment is ruined.

"Aww, Iwa-chan, were you worried about me~?" Oikawa practically sings, impish grin back in place, like it never left.

Hajime can feel his eye twitching. "Who would be worried about a shitty guy like you?"

"Rude!"

-o-

Tobio

He knows about Kageyama Tobio well before they ever meet in person, and-

He already resents him.

It's petty and childish of him, especially when he knows how hard Tobio works - will work - for his skill, when he knows how hard things become for him later on because he's a budding genius who doesn't know how to work with others or even what the limits of his abilities are, who ends up floundering under expectations and misunderstandings and misplaced anger, who ends up alone and abandoned, when he knows Tobio will eventually change from a bright-eyed kouhai, willing and eager to learn, to a closed off, angry mess of a person who has to be coaxed out of his shell by a blindingly bright ball of sunshine known as Hinata Shouyo and the rest of Karasuno.

He knows very well what kind of person Tobio is and all about his struggles both internal and external, but here's the thing: it doesn't change anything.

It's strange because he even considered Tobio to be a favorite character once upon a time, but every time he so much as remembers that it makes embarrassment and anger coil in his gut, followed by a sense of furious helplessness.

He's helpless against his own inferiority and envy, helpless against the impenetrable wall looming between them growing more and more every day called talent, helpless against the tides of destiny and fate-

Sometimes, it feels like nothing he does matters or ever will matter because it's all already been played out before, and Tooru has fallen into his role perfectly.

But it's not a role because he was his own person before he was Oikawa Tooru, and he's still that person. They just happen to be alike in every way that matters, and it's crushing knowing that Iwa-chan would befriend an Oikawa who was not him, that his family would love and spoil and indulge a different Tooru, that his team would put their unwavering faith in a different captain. Just as long as they were similar, even if they weren't the same.

The things that does to his self-esteem, to his already complicated feelings about his own existence… Life would go on even if he wasn't him, and realizing that, Tooru has never felt more unnecessary, more like he doesn't belong, more like a cog in a machine, easily replaceable, utterly forgettable, and wholly unexceptional.

Tooru wants to be special to someone, anyone, but Oikawa Tooru's legacy hangs over him, dogging his every step, like a bad aftertaste or a particularly persistent kouhai. What's worse is that he knows he will continue on this path, even if it has been predetermined because both of them share the inability to give up or give in especially in the face of insurmountable odds.

Oikawa Tooru- Neither of them are quitters.

Not even when they should be.

Tooru knows that eventually Tobio will surpass him, and he doesn't need a manga from another life to tell him. He can see it almost immediately after Tobio joins the team, and it's almost terrifying how much potential the kid has. More than terror, though, or envy or awe, all Tooru can feel is an ugly, festering bitterness that seeps into his very bones.

It's this part of him that can't feel sympathy for Tobio because not even Tooru is capable of being so cruel to someone else out of mere pettiness. He can be petty and often delights in it, but this is fury and helplessness and hatred fueling his sick satisfaction at knowing Tobio has only strife ahead of him for a few years.

It's this tumult of emotions combined with his similarly complicated feelings about Ushiwaka and riding on a fresh defeat that see Tooru losing control and taking a swing at his fellow teammate (and future undoing.)

And then Iwa-chan is there, and Tobio is all but forgotten as (almost) everything he's been holding back explodes out of him in a rush of heated words and a trembling voice and terroranguishenvyguiltguiltguilt.

Iwa-chan's words save him in the end. Iwa-chan is always saving him, it seems, and this at least is something Tooru has never felt conflicted over.

This Iwa-chan is his Iwa-chan, after all, and no possible alternate, no matter how closely they resemble Tooru, will ever treasure this Iwa-chan as much as he does.

Tooru's gratitude and adoration are infinite. Anything less would be a paltry imitation.

-o-

Iwa-chan

He loves Iwa-chan from the very first.

He is expecting awkwardness and disconnect (because Tooru is all of six years old, but six years plus a past life he hardly remembers does nothing to diminish his social anxiety) and not being good enough (because he is still struggling with being the same person but different; with filling someone else's too large shoes; with living up to the image of Oikawa in his head, sociable and popular and everything he is not).

What he gets is a reluctantly amused smile, an outstretched hand, an offer of friendship that will last a lifetime. What he gets is grand adventures, a trusty partner in childhood games, mockery for his fear of bugs but a willingness to relocate or kill any that manage to sneak into his room or on his person. What he gets is a shared love of volleyball, countless afternoons practicing together, a teammate who would follow him anywhere.

What he gets is love returned, weaknesses bared between them, arms forever ready to catch him when he stumbles and falls.

What he gets is Iwa-chan, and Tooru could ask for nothing better.

-o-

Love

Loving Oikawa is easy. What's difficult is not being able to love Oikawa. Not because of society or bigots or consideration for their futures, either, though those are definitely things Hajime has considered at length.

No, it's because Oikawa doesn't date, period. He decided at a young age that he wouldn't date until he was at least twenty, and no amount of tearful confessions or friendly cajoling has swayed him. And Hajime knows that not even being the closest person to him in the world (arrogant, maybe, but hardly presumptuous; Oikawa is that for him too) would change his mind. Oddly enough, this is one of those things that Oikawa has arbitrarily decided and will stubbornly stick to no matter how strange or inconvenient it might be to him or to others.

And it is strange and very inconvenient for Hajime, at least. Sometimes he feels as though he might burst from the weight of the feelings inside him, and during such times, it becomes very difficult not to simply blurt out a confession to Oikawa, and damn the consequences. At least then Oikawa would know, and it wouldn't feel like there was this giant thing between them or an elephant in the room.

But every time he feels that way, he bites his tongue, swallows it all back down, and finds some excuse to leave and work through his frustrations via volleyball or some video game. Because Oikawa is serious about the dating thing; he can tell. And Hajime isn't about to add stress to his best friend when Oikawa already heaps ungodly amounts on himself anyway. It'd be a shitty thing to do.

No, Hajime will wait. Not patiently, but he's doing his best and counting down the days until he can look Oikawa in the eye and tell him how he really feels.

'Til then, he'll (continue to) be the best damn friend he can be and support Oikawa with everything he is while also making sure the dumbass doesn't overexert himself. Again.

End Notes: Confession: I've never read the manga or watched the anime. Hopefully, it's not too obvious. I was curious about the internal struggle a person would have if they happened to be all but identical to the character they were replacing and basically spawned all this.

Uhh about the age thing: adults dating teenagers is gross & Oikawa ain't having it. Also also he has no idea Iwa is in love with him. His love is entirely platonic (c'mon, Iwa's a baby rn; everyone under 20 are infants don't me)

This is marked complete, but I might add more later. ;)