Disclaimer : I don't own Loveless and I don't make any money on this. It all belongs to Yun Kouga.

A/N : I had a hard time writing this chapter. Actually, it took me months so I really hope it turns ok.

A/N : The DarkCat, Promocat and Dlbn, thank you all for your reviews and continued reading. It matters; no pun intended. ^^

Matters of the soul

I laid awake many nights looking at the ceiling of the room provided by Seimei's hostess, wondering about all that had befallen me.

After the absolute devastation following his death, I had met his brother. And in so doing, unearthed feelings I had believed gone, sentiments I had renounced. Emotions forbidden until then. And Ritsuka had opened this small, hidden trap door with his soft hands and hard determination. With his tears and supple lips. With his beseeching eyes and wild anger. Knowing the abuse he suffered from his mother and witnessing his unwavering loyalty to her, his fierce protection was something I could relate to; it took years before the feelings Ritsu evoked in me turned to hate.

Had we been a photography, Ritsuka would have been my negative. While I was brooding, he was optimistic. While I stayed alone, he made friends. Few, I would admit willingly but strong friendships. When I would withdraw, he would fight and rage. Never had he abandoned a fight despite his tears and hurt. Never did he submit to his fate peacefully. Little by little, he changed me. He never trained me and yet I would follow his code of conduct, his rules as if they were mine. Beside him, I was someone. To him, I mattered.

So when Seimei took me back, I was angry. Desperately, mind-bogglingly angry. I followed the motions as I've been made to but some newly discovered part of me rebelled against the situation, against Seimei, against the unfairness. No, it wasn't only unfair. It was unacceptable. I had always remained by Seimei's side without a complaint, without a word, without voicing any opinion. It was what Ritsu had taught me, hadn't he? And he had trained me well. A self-deprecating smirk marred my lips. Yes, he did and how much did I enjoyed it? And for whom? Seimei? It was ludicrous really. A child needed me, wanted me to stay at his side. A child I had come to adore, who would always comes first; and not only as my Sacrifice. The battle against Moonless was meaningless — there was no point at all except for Seimei to show me off as a prize, to lay his claim over me. The question begs, why would he need to? Seimei had always loved to ruin everything from me, leaving me in absolute isolation with no-one to turn to and no worthwhile alternative.

But I had met Ritsuka.

Ritsuka who had lost the most and who still fought tooth and nail. Ritsuka who smiled and caressed. Ritsuka who huffed and puffed but always soothed and offered comfort. Seimei had made a grievous mistake when he had left me as his brother's protector. Since that day at the cemetery, I've fought to keep myself in check. I uncovered a long forgotten feeling; the will to disobey. The insubordination rising up in my throat choked me as I repressed it. The arguments died on the tip of my tongue as I bite them down. Rage simmered in my gut until my tightly clenched fists shook. Defiance burned hot and made my eyes water. Mutiny. It kept me awake at night and I laid unable to sleep, looking at the starry sky, wishing for Ritsuka with my whole being. Seimei's oath was insincere at best and worthless. All my life had been a pointless mummery in which I had no say, no place, no voice and no humanity. But I wasn't hollow anymore. I had met Ritsuka and he had filled the void with care and softness. With worry for me and tenderness. With sweet stolen kisses and sweeter promises. With a warm hand gliding into mine. With comfort and forgiveness. I may never be whole. I may never deserve this gentle child. But I won't grieve over losing him anymore.

I will never be Beloved; I know it now. I don't even wish it. I am a blank; I accept that. But I belong with Ritsuka; I know such. He is my redemption. I will recover from Ritsu and Seimei; I have been shown the way.

I saw the moonlight bathe the shiny floor of our hostess' opulent house as I walked down the corridor. Soon the handle was in my hand, turning slowly, without a single sound. The door didn't even creak open. It silently glided so I could slip in unnoticed. He laid there, exposed and vulnerable. I blinked.

"Seimei. Wake up."

His eyes unhurriedly opened, his gaze darkening in irritation when he recognized me.

"What are you doing here?" he asked, his voice deep and rough from sleep, his usual bite washing over me unheeded.

"I'm leaving."

"Yeah, sure. I don't care." He waved me off and turned his back to me intending to go back to sleep, clearly having not understood the implication.

"Seimei." I interrupted again. He sat up and glared daggers at me. As if I still had a care in the world what he could think about me. "I'm leaving. I am not coming back. Ever." I turned around and calmly walked away. He called after me. Tried to order me. But I wasn't Beloved.

Ritsuka had changed me. And as my feet took me to him again, I discovered something new.

Freedom.

Yes, this slip of a boy had helped me.

I have changed.

A/N : So, how did the chapter turn out, in the end? I hope you enjoyed reading me and you had a good time with my little story. Which is actually not really a story and more a window into Soubi's mind. Anyway. See you around !