Mail Call

"No."

"Dude."

"No."

"Dude!"

"No way! I am not going out there!" Master Frown made a show of crossing his arms and huffing. "Not today!"

"It's your turn to get the mail, bro!" Brock protested as he finessed the game controller. "It'll take you like, two minutes!"

"It's Valentine's Day," Frown gagged, "And knowing Unikitty, it'll be the worst two minutes of the year. Now be a good henchman and deal with this for me!"

"Ffffffffine!" Brock paused the game and placed the controller next to him on a couch cushion. "But if I'm out of the zone for beating this boss when I get back, you owe me."

Brock left the duo's apartment for the mailbox while Master Frown watched from the window. Every year Frown would forget about this stupid holiday and unsuspectingly saunter to the mailbox, giddy for his mid-month paycheck, only to be showered with more confetti hearts and glitter than the tiny box should have been able to fit. Well, not this year. This year he'd doodled a cross-eyed picture of that dumb cat looking dumb on the living room calendar, reminding him to make Brock suffer in his stead.

"Oh, and hose yourself down before you come back in!" Master Frown pointed to a fire hydrant. "Otherwise we'll be living with glitter until the end of eternity!"

Brock rolled his eyes and looked back at the window. "Don't you think you're overreacting just a little? I mean I think it's sweet that she goes to all the trouble, given how all you do is cause her trouble."

"Whatever! Just open the stupid thing already."

Brock shrugged and reached for the mailbox door. Master Frown braced for the explosion, and…

"Oh sweet! Pizza coupons!"

"WHAT?!"

Frown stormed out of the apartment, flabbergasted, as Brock started sorting through junk mail and a handful of completely normal Valentine's Day cards addressed to him. "Lesse… from Unikitty, Hawkodile, Puppycorn… aww, they're so nice!"

"Give me that!" Frown yanked the pile of mail from Brock and flipped through it His smile grew as he confirmed that his name was only on a water bill. "Sweet!" Happy, broken-hearted sparkle matter shimmered above him. "She finally gave up! I'm free! Haha!"

"Yeah dude, cool. I'm ordering a large anchovy and finishing off Xehanort." Brock took back the mail and headed inside as Frown continued to cackle.

"Haha! Ha! Ha…. Wait, my paycheck wasn't in there." Master Frown headed back to the mailbox and peeked inside. "Brock! Are you sure you got everyth-"

BOOM!

A mushroom cloud of pink and rainbow glitter, visible for miles, obliterated the mailbox. Living, heart-shaped confetti rained down on Master Frown, giggling and planting dozens of smooches all over his face as he screamed and tried to swat them all away like a swarm of angry bees. When his attempts to be free of the attack failed he curled up into fetal position and cried in anguish on the concrete. Brock, playing a cutscene-heavy level with the sound turned up too high, wouldn't notice his roommate needed rescuing from his living nightmare for several hours.

Every. Single. Year.