a/n: hey yall! did you guys miss me? its been a while, I am sorry for the lack of update... i hope everyone is doing well during these hard times.

It had been a horrible month. Not always, of course. She had been sleeping half as much as she had been previously… maybe less than that. Work was less of a priority than anything, but there had been more work than the previous week. The times that Elsa had cried and yelled, only having to get herself back up on her feet just moments later? Countless.

She knew what she had gotten herself into when she got together with the girl she loved so much. Elsa always thought of herself as strong, confident, albeit, one of the quieter kids in her early years of education. As much as her brain had told her that she couldn't handle a relationship like this, her heart told her if this was what she wanted… if this was who she wanted, then she must keep going.

But the month hadn't been mostly horrible. June was the month of Anna's birthday, and Elsa had saved enough money to take them on a trip to Disneyland. It was expensive, but it was always worth it whenever she noticed how much fun Anna was having. During those times, Elsa didn't quite have to worry so much - in fact, she barely had to pretend she was worried at all.

But then came July… and things were back to the way they had always been. Elsa was exhausted: mentally, physically and emotionally. But she kept going. She had to.

On a late July Friday night, with the prospect of the next two days off with nothing planned, Elsa decided to bring Anna a special surprise. Anna had always had a sweet tooth, so Elsa bought her a small chocolate cake from her favorite bakery, Oaken's Palace? That would cheer her up, at least a little. It had been weeks since Elsa had seen the girl crack a genuine smile.

Elsa couldn't blame her; it had just been her parents' one year anniversary of their passing yesterday.

As she rode up the apartment elevator, she fidgeted with nervousness, but she knew Anna would feel thankful. Sometimes, all Anna needed time alone, but that was something Elsa rarely gave her. Nobody could blame Elsa; she was just worried for Anna's well-being. She needed to keep an eye on her favorite girl.

Smiling, she unlocked the apartment door. "Anna?" she chirped, opening the door. "Anna, I'm home with a surprise! Come -"

Drip. Drop. Splash.

Her eyes dropped to the floor and a large puddle of water coming from the hall… the bathroom. But it wasn't just regular water - it was tinged red. And everything from her breath to her heart stopped in an instant. Her muscles gave way, dropping the boxed cake on the floor. Instinct took over her body, her feet picked up their pace and courage, running towards the source of the water, fearing the worst.

"ANNA!" She shoved the door open and her eyes widened in shock and horror at the sight. "What... the fuck - ANNA, WHAT DID YOU DO?!"

The girl, despite being screamed at, laid limp in the filled, running bathtub, covered in nothing but bloody water Her arm laid on the rim of the tub, her wrist cut open deeply. Rivulets of crimson blood stained the skin of her arm, leaving thick contrails on the side of the tub.

Elsa reached into the cold water, splashing it everywhere and she cradled the unconscious redhead in her arms, grabbing a towel and pressing it over the injured arm.

"Come on, come on… wake up… you're so fucking cold," Elsa mumbled to herself, her free hand shaking Anna's shoulders, willing her to wake.

Elsa, despite the stress and fear, pushed her feelings aside to slap Anna's face multiple times to rouse her. She didn't respond. Didn't even flinch.

Elsa didn't think this would ever happen. Anna's deep depression had always made Elsa wary, but never would she have thought a suicide attempt would happen so soon. She hadn't considered whether Anna would take such a drastic step at all.

"Anna…" she grunted, as she reached an arm across the unconscious girl's back to pull her naked body out of the tub and in her arms. Gods, was she always this heavy? Or was Elsa just weak? "Anna, what the… fuck…" she sobbed, rubbing the redhead's back as if the girl could feel the small comfort - the trust - that Elsa was here. "Don't fucking leave me, you idiot -"

The rhythm was the only thing keeping Elsa together - the ticking sound of the alarm clock by her bedside drawer, her hand gently tracing circles on the smooth, freckled back of the redhead on top of her. In the back of her head, Elsa always knew there was always something holding her back, but she never knew what. Or rather, who.

But she knew now. She wasn't really sure why it had to be now.

The moonlight gleamed behind the closed curtains, no sound in the dry air of her room. A gentle, cold breeze drifted in from the open window; the same girl that was crying earlier kept her warm in her arms like the world's most perfect weighted blanket.

Anna never let go, despite falling asleep on top of Elsa. Elsa relished the sense of peacefulness behind Anna's swollen eyes. In a way, it was the only thing that truly made Elsa smile.

Elsa wasn't sure how long she had been in this position, but she didn't mind it. If there was someone she could care for… despite being the one that needed care for the past few months, she would gladly take that opportunity. Or... that was what she thought she needed.

But Anna's peaceful,sleeping face didn't absolve Elsa's guilt about how horribly Elsa had treated her, how thoughtless she'd behaved towards Anna… how careless and unnecessarily vexed she had acted. With Anna laying on her chest, Elsa could only take short glances of the fluttering eyelids and the twitching lips - though quite cute - that said nothing but unidentifiable mumbles. Perhaps, without saying a word, this was how Elsa would finally try to mend their supposed friendship back together.

But she knew it had to take more than just a crying girl asleep on her to really strengthen and better the relationship they have now. She sighed, thumping her head lightly against her wooden white headboard, pressing the back of her wrist against her eyes, and swallowing dryly. Nobody understood how difficult it was for her to be nice. Why couldn't she have just been nice? Pent up frustration, anger, depression… she understood those feelings. She accepted them, accepted that she struggled with them. But her feelings were no excuse to abuse poor Anna. She had no excuse, no reason to say all of those things, period.

She understood herself now, at least. And for a little while, she understood Anna. But it was too late to feel bad about what she'd said. What happened before was the lowest Elsa could go to hurt someone. Right? Could it?

They were friends, after all. Friends forgive each other. Friends rely on each other.

After what felt like hours had dragged on with half a person laying on her, Elsa was ready to move. She didn't know what to say when Anna would wake up, or when the time came to apologize to both Anna's and her own parents. Elsa wanted to look around the house and get to know Anna a little better. Sure, she had looked at the books and her works in her field of study, but she wanted to know what it would be like to live with someone who seemingly adored her.

Luckily, Anna was such a heavy sleeper that Elsa was able to extricate herself carefully. She gently laid Anna down on the mattress and tucked her in.

Elsa grabbed her crutches. She didn't need the crutches much (or so she always told herself) but walking without them just felt so much more freeing. She knew Anna would get worried and give her an earful if she didn't take them just in case.

Quietly, she made her way down the hall with the crutches she resented so much and stared at her office door. The last time she went in there… well, books collapsed on her, and all she had done was embarrass herself in front of her roommate/friend. She hesitated, but her fingers twitched and trembled with urgency to grab the black knob, almost taunting her to open up to the treasures beyond. Elsa knew that she had determination and confidence in herself; that was who Anna always mentioned Elsa used to be. It shouldn't be that hard to open the door, Elsa thought, but it was, knowing the only thing that stopping her was the memories of that afternoon - a mistake, really.

Pursing her lips and mentally counting to ten, she finally made her way inside the dark space.

Elsa fumbled against the wall to flip the light switch, only to find the room was almost all cleaned up from this afternoon. She froze, her eyes scanning from object to object, seeing the clean bookshelf and the empty desk against the window. How is she so patient with me?

Stepping into the middle of the room, she propped her crutches against the wall and closed the door. Her legs felt weak, but it was nothing she couldn't handle as she walked to the bookshelf, her fingers tracing every book's spine with delicacy. She even dusted everything and put them in order… God, what is wrong with me? She asked herself this throughout the whole night they had come home. She asked herself while Anna had laid soft in her arms, watching tears trickle down her freckles while she slept like a log, but the only answer that came forth was that she was just a piece of shit. Anna would've much preferred if her idiot self was more careful and faster to dodge the falling items. Hell, everyone would have preferred that. Who would have known, though?

She knew. She knew that she'd become the worst version of herself, and right now, she could only hope to become better. Maybe then she wouldn't have to make life so hard for everyone else.

And yet, the only thing that could make Elsa recognize who she really was would be in this room. She had seen everything, even ventured into that closet of hers briefly with Anna. She squinted, knowingly remembering how Anna seemed a tad bit suspicious when it came to… whatever it was that was in there. But whatever Anna was hiding, definitely couldn't have been in that closet anymore and had been hidden somewhere else - not like this apartment was too big anyway, how hard could it be to find it?

Opening the closet for a confirmation, nothing seemed to really stand out. Stacks of boxes were tidied up against one another, and on the other side were the familiar paintings laid on top of one another like dominos. Looking back, Elsa realized, there was actually something that had gone amiss. There was… another painting. A huge one. And that sketch she took from my hands…

Was it really just a sketch? Or was there something going on a lot more than that? She felt dazed, staring into the void of the dark closet, and the more she stood where she was, the colder she felt, the less confident she was in wanting to know what kind of person she really truly was to herself.

To Anna.

But she was determined. She had to know what that painting was, even if it hurt her… even if it meant her relationship with Anna was completely different. Slowly, Elsa got out of her office and began searching through the few closets that were scattered around the house. One was filled with just Tupperware, another was filled with bathroom supplies, and by the time she was at the end of the hall where Anna's bedroom is… a rush of adrenaline crashed through her. Rarely had she been in Anna's room - not because the girl didn't let her - but because she never felt too comfortable with being in there. As oddly as it sounded, it felt like her body screamed for her to know where her place was. To just be completely oblivious and live this life anew.

Enough was enough.

Coming into Anna's room, the first thing she laid her hands on was the closet. It wasn't like Anna's space was overwhelmingly messy, and it wasn't like she had a lot of stuff lying around anyway. But the closet was all Elsa was paying attention to, and the moment she had slid the plastic door open… there it was.

That painting with the black frames hugging the sides, laying against the wall with its back facing Elsa. She hurriedly began shuffling the clothes to the side and grabbed the canvas, turning it towards her… and for a moment, when she saw what she saw, all she wanted to do was drop the piece in her hand. Her stomach churned, and the heat that was already splattered across her face grew stronger.

Silence. Awestruck silence. And it was a dense, heavy one where she could almost hear her own blood run through her blue veins, her own heart thumping without mercy to fill her with another quick shot of adrenaline. Yet, she stood there, looking at the painting… almost glued to it, and all two of her cerulean eyes reflected the image of the familiar face of her roommate, auburn hair splayed in a dark red pillow, the raised toned arm over her own head, the gleaming indigo eyes hidden behind hooded lids…

This was wrong, and she was focusing on the wrong thing, but really, there was so much to focus on. It was the body… the bared body, those perked breasts detailed with painted freckles. Those widened legs. And it was the hand between said legs, another laid between Anna's bare painted breasts. It was… something out of a picture - not even a painting… how could she call it that now? No, this was wrong. Elsa didn't know this person who drew, painted, colored this with vibrant shades, and yet… for some reason, she could see it. And unbeknownst to herself, her own limbs were shaking, and whether it was out of exhaustion or shock, she wasn't quite ready to care. Holding onto this in her hand, all she could feel was a moment of confusion. She pressed her hand against her mouth, still looking at the painted Anna like she could never keep an eye off the woman.

They were roommates, they were friends. Were they so close that this painting actually existed? Or were we…

Thump! "Fuck -" With that amount of shaking and trembling, Elsa unsurprisingly dropped the painting on the ground. She was quick to get down on her knees to pick it up, only to feel something crumbling and paper-like stuffed behind the canvas. Surprises, surprises… oh, she was not ready for another one.

But of course, curiosity killed the cat, and she turned the painting over to confirm that there was a crumpled up paper folded against the bottom corner of the canvas. Taking it out, she stood up and unfolded it carefully. It was the same one that Anna had said her past self would always draw Anna. The same one that Anna had tried to change topics about.

There was no doubt about it. She squeezed the paper in her hand, her mind burned with the painted nude body of her roommate - and it was all it took to get her heart beating faster and faster, to feel the blood rushing through her brain -

"I want your hand right on your chest. Yes, right there… Your right hand… goes right between your legs."

"If you wanted to see me masturbate, you could have just asked - ELSA!"

"Sorry, sweetheart. It's for the art."

Everything felt like flashes behind her eyes. Red. A naked body. Wine. Her room. The smiles on their face. The warmth… she could feel that warmth in that room at that time, and she remembered… it was that summer. She gasped to herself, her breathing becoming more shallow the more it replayed in her head. She wasn't dumb - she knew what this meant. She knew what all of this meant, but before she could even complete that thought, the door to Elsa's room opened.

She rushed to close the closet door when footsteps started to grow closer, and just in time, Anna came peeking into her room as she stuffed her paper drawing down her pocket.

"Hey," the redhead smiled. All Elsa could see was the swollen pink skin beneath Anna's tired eyes. "What are you doing?"

Elsa wasn't quite sure how to answer that, knowing what she had seen… knowing her view on Anna had changed completely. Those words from the past kept drowning her every thought, every single feeling rounded in a bubble of confusion, and all she could muster out was, "just looking around".

Seemingly suspicious, Anna nodded with her eyes roaming around the room. Thank god, I didn't touch anything else.

"Are you hungry?" Anna pursed a smile. "I could make a little something for you. I don't think you ate much back home."

"Uh…" Awkward. How does one make things less awkward? "No, it's… it's alright."

Really, she felt quite the opposite. She felt like she was going to throw up. She felt like she had swallowed the whole world, and everything was against her… and the one person that she could rely on had betrayed her. The words that were caught in her throat, cried for an escape… cried to only ask her, 'why?' But with the crumpled paper in her pocket, her hand holding onto it tight, she let out a tight smile. "Did I wake you up?"

The redhead shook her head and entered her room. She leisurely tapped her fingers against the corner of her desk, looking away to her window. "No, but… I was worried you kinda ran off, but you're here." A heavy pause passed, and the two gazed at each other… and Elsa knew they had two different intents in their very stare. "Hey, look… thank you."

Elsa bit her lip. Why can't I call her out? Elsa… don't you want that? To be angry? "For?"

The girl chuckled, leaning her weight against her desk now. Those gleaming eyes, so full of hope and grace… not even a hint of guilt-filled that gleeful void. How? "Listening to me, of course. Otherwise… I'd really have nobody to hold me in their arms while I sobbed, telling my story. Really, I haven't even told the rest of it, but when the time comes…" She nodded. "You know."

That only left Elsa even more speechless, but her face was as soft as ever… and, well, while her eyebrows were furrowed in heartbreak, while her lips trembled ever so gently out of red hot anger, deep down, she knew a part of her pitied Anna. That poor girl. Yet, there was no justification. There couldn't have been… for hiding their relationship like this - like it was something to be ashamed of, and even if it were, Elsa would've still liked to know. And for what? The simple wrong gesture to lessen this pain that Elsa was already feeling? This just hurt even more. But she clutched onto that sketch like it was her own last hope, and all she could see in front of her was that painting of her body, her peaceful face over the one that was so exhausted, so worn.

"I -"

As if God didn't want her to say the wrong words, Elsa's phone began to buzz in her pocket. And really, it felt like a relief, hearing something was going to stop her from saying the harshest words she could. Apologizing Anna with her eyes, she took her phone out.

"Who is it?" Anna asked curiously.

It was surprising. She never had anyone else call her, except for Anna or her parents, but… Belle. Right, they did exchange numbers in their time in the library. Without answering Anna, the woman quickly stepped out of the room and into the living room where she answered the call.

" Hello? Is this Elsa?"

"Hey, Belle?"

"Hii, yes, that's me. Sorry for the sudden call. But I thought since we exchanged numbers, I thought… why not?"

"Ah right… how are you doing?"

"I'm great! Just doing some reading before going to bed."
"Is there something you need?"

"Oh, right! Silly me, just thought I'd ask… are you busy?"

Elsa turned to see Anna was just right in the kitchen, and that hopeful and relieved face she had, had fallen. And as if thinking Elsa wouldn't notice, she averted her eyes. Such a painful look on her face… "No, I…" she trailed off, "I'm free. Why?"

"Oh, huh, I was just going to ask if you wanted to go out and have coffee with me tomorrow?"

"Oh." Why was her hand sweaty now?

"If not, that's alright. I just thought we connected pretty well last time. Next time -"

"No, no, I meant…" Elsa sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. She slowly strode towards the balcony and looked out and up to the stars. Tonight was clearer than any other night. "I meant, yes. Yes, I'm free tomorrow."

"Oh, that's awesome. And look, this morning… whatever happened… are you alright?"

Elsa almost forgot this morning even happened. Gods, seconds really felt like days, and days felt like years. "Oh, right, this morning. I'm fine. It was just a misunderstanding, and my roommate gets worried, that's all. Really."

"I see. Yeah, I was a bit shocked to be left hanging over there. Oh, and hey, I also got the books you were studying in the library, so that makes a good excuse to hang out with you."

She really went all that out? Elsa doubted she had smiled this much for the past few hours, but just that simple gesture caused her to crack a small grin. "Thanks. Is… tomorrow afternoon alright with you?"

"Tomorrow afternoon is perfect. I'll send you the place - it's a fantastic coffee shop, you'll love it. I'll see you then!"

"Sure thing, I'll see you tomorrow." Hanging up, Elsa let out a deep breath and all she could feel was just the pure… excitement. No, was it nervousness? She really hadn't interacted long with Belle, but most of it was quite enjoyable. But that dread that she had completely familiarized herself with was coming back. As soon as she turned around… Anna had already been walking towards her with her two crutches in her hands. Something about this was off, way off, in the way Anna was so quiet. And the first thing that she muttered out was, "was that the girl in the library?"

Elsa took the crutches in her hands and nodded. "Yes, it is." For a moment, she could feel Anna's fingers twitch when she took the object off the girl's hand.

"Are you two… friends?"

Again, the blonde nodded, but the moment Anna had looked up to face her, all Elsa wished she hadn't just said yes. This was a change, and change was hard to live by, Elsa knew that at least. But she wasn't the same person anymore. She wasn't… in love. And at this point, staring at Anna was like staring at a solid wall, trying to hold itself up from its cracks, and not break down by simple words.

"Just friends," Elsa responded. But perhaps, it was too much to ask of the girl, but no matter what this tension may be, the blonde knew it wasn't exactly time to ask of their relationship. Not yet. "Just… one more thing, could you drive me to a cafe tomorrow?"

It was like this silence was an answer - the only answer to her question that Anna just didn't want to answer. Better yet, she knew in Anna's eyes, the girl wanted to say no. For the split moment that Elsa was looking at the girl, all there was to it was a sense of disappointment, and yet, it was like it never happened when Anna broke into a smile. It didn't seem like Anna was too good at hiding how she truly felt, masking that with just the idea of wanting to make Elsa happy after all that had happened, but that little act of smiling Anna had put on was much too real. For a split second, Elsa really thought the redhead was happy for her, but once her own palm was met with a firm, shaky grasp of Anna's warm fingers… she knew that was only the opposite.

Say something. Just say it. Her lips were pursed shut.

"Of course I'll drive you," Anna replied instead, and her eyes gleamed not out of happiness, but in tears. And as much as Elsa dared to say something, to ask if that was wrong, she stood her ground, because deep down, she didn't want to cater to Anna. She wanted something for herself: freedom and will. That's how it was going to be.