"Well, well, well, look who's come crawling back just like I said he would," said Joker, smiling at Two-Face as he was led back into the Rec Room by armed guards. "Got something for ya, although I wish we'd bet real money," he said, flicking the coin at him.

"Thanks, J," said Two-Face, pocketing it and looking around the Rec Room. "Where's Harley?"

"In solitary confinement, where she belongs," retorted Joker. "She tried to mutilate me."

"Don't you two try to hurt each other all the time?" asked Two-Face. "Isn't that like the basis of your sex life?"

"Not like this!" snapped Joker. "This would have been permanently damaging if she had succeeded!"

"I don't know where you got a knife in here, Harley, but you can't go around trying to cut people, even if you think it's for their own good," Dr. Leland said opening the door to the Rec Room and admitting Harley Quinn.

"But it is for his own good!" exclaimed Harley. "It's the only way he's ever gonna get into heaven! He certainly won't by his actions, so it's gotta be because he converts to Judaism! And the only way he can do that is if he's circumcised! He should stop being such a big baby – babies don't freak out when they get it done," she said, sticking her tongue out at Joker. "But I guess my big, strong bad guy is more sensitive than a baby!"

"Down there I am!" snapped Joker. "If the price for getting into heaven is to mutilate my perfect, God-given manhood, then heaven ain't worth it! Anyway, I've got it all figured out, Harl, as I tried to explain before you got all knife-happy – deathbed repentance is how I'm gonna go. Apparently it doesn't matter how terrible you are in life as long as you apologize right before you die, so that's what I'm gonna do, just before Batsy kills me."

"You have to mean it, you know," pointed out Dr. Leland.

"You think I can't fake sincerity?" snorted Joker. "C'mon, God may be good at reading people, but I'm betting I'm better at conning 'em. For instance, I forgive you for trying to mutilate me, Harley," he said, turning to her and smiling.

"Aw, puddin', you're the best!" exclaimed Harley, embracing him.

Joker looked at Two-Face and then shook his head, mouthing, "I haven't – she's dead."

"Well, it's good to see nothing's changed here," sighed Two-Face, taking a seat on the sofa and picking up the newspaper. The headline read Two-Face Back in Arkham After Grand Larceny Spree – Rehabilitation Unsuccessful Says Pal Bruce Wayne.

"Didn't give any interviews, huh?" asked Joker, taking the seat next to him while Harley settled herself on his lap. "Had the billionaire talk to the press for you?"

"Yeah, Bruce is good at that kinda thing," said Two-Face, nodding. "I told him to make up something if anyone asks about the reason for my return to Arkham – I doubt they'd ever understand the truth. I don't think Bruce did, really."

"Well, you can't expect a billionaire to understand us," said Joker, shrugging. "He was born into that society, and he's got a great life in it – why would he ever want to be anything else?"

"I don't know. You'd think that maybe you'd get sick of being a useless parasite and want to make a difference, maybe," said Two-Face. "You'd think you'd want your life to mean something."

"Well, if he enjoys it, it probably means something to him," said Joker. "Hell if my life means anything, but I do enjoy it."

"Mr. Wayne intimated to the press that Two-Face committed the crime because he could not be happy in a society where he was not free to be himself, or to be with the woman he loves, who is believed to be noted supervillainess Poison Ivy, although these rumors are unconfirmed. The couple dated briefly before Two-Face's accident, where Poison Ivy attempted to murder him…you gotta love the tabloid style that all journalists seem to have adopted now," sighed Two-Face, reading the paper aloud. "But at least Bruce gave them something close to the truth. Glad it's only rumors, though – Pam would hate to have our relationship confirmed in writing, even if it is the Gotham Gazette."

"Harvey, you have a visitor," said Dr. Leland, re-entering the room.

"Bruce?" guessed Two-Face.

"No, it's a Francois DuBois," said Dr. Leland.

"Frankie!" exclaimed Joker, leaping to his feet and knocking Harley off his lap. "Before he leaves, I need to give him an order for a new suit! My old one has really become unusable since that dip in the piranha pool – their little razor teeth ripped it to shreds."

"I wonder why he wants to see me – I haven't ordered anything from him in months," said Two-Face, puzzled as he stood up.

"Maybe he's heard you're back in here, and expects some new business from you," suggested Harley. "You'll need a new suit if you break out of here, after all."

"I guess," agreed Two-Face. He followed Dr. Leland to the visiting room to see the premiere supervillain tailor of Gotham City. "Hi, Francois…"

"Monsieur Dent, it was your idea for Pierce Chapman to announce that he and I are an item, was it not?" demanded Francois, glaring at him from across the desk.

"Uh…yeah," said Two-Face, slowly. "I just thought…he shouldn't be ashamed of it…since you're a great guy and all…so there was no reason to keep it a secret…"

Francois looked at him, and then suddenly seized him and kissed both his cheeks. "That is the kindest gesture anyone has ever done for me, and I have you to thank for it," he said, beaming at him. "Pierce told me he was inspired by your courage, and he did not care who knew about us. He said if you had the bravery to return to the madhouse to be with the woman you loved, then he had the bravery to tell his friends about us. And while I cannot say everyone has accepted it gracefully…the fact that he would risk the ruin of his reputation for me means more than I can say. And it is because of you that he had the courage to be honest. I am honored to call you my friend, Monsieur Dent, and I am in your debt. If you are in need of a new suit in the future, you will be receiving a substantial discount on it. I have your measurements on file – you just let me know the details," he said, standing up.

"Oh…wow, thanks," stammered Two-Face. "Joker said to tell you he's in the market for a new suit, and I was thinking of maybe borrowing a look from him and going half purple, half orange."

Francois just looked at him. "My debt is now repaid – I am going to prevent you from committing fashion suicide," he retorted. "Those bright colors work for Monsieur Joker because of his unnaturally fair complexion, but they would be hideous on you with your darker facial deformity. No, you should stick with the black and white palette, for your own sake."

"Well, you're the fashion guru," said Two-Face, shrugging. "I guess," he muttered, heading back toward the Rec Room. On the way, he passed Dr. Leland's office.

"Harvey, can I see you for a moment?" she asked.

He nodded, entering. Dr. Leland put down the file she had been reading and looked at him. "Tell me the truth," she said, holding up the file. "You don't really belong in here, do you?"

"I don't know what you mean…" began Two-Face.

"This robbery you committed, there was nothing insane about it," she said, opening the file again. "It was a standard bank robbery, with no coin to dictate it, and not a costume in sight. They should have sent you to Blackgate, a real prison where they send perfectly sane people who just make bad choices. Because that's what you are now, isn't it? A perfectly sane man who just makes bad choices. This isn't a relapse into insanity for you, and frankly, I'm a little peeved that you're claiming it is. It looks bad on our rehabilitation success rate, for one."

Two-Face looked uncomfortable. "You're right," he said at last. "And I'm sorry if it reflects badly on you, Dr. Leland…"

"It does, but I'm more concerned about its effect on you," she interrupted. "I mean, people are going to catch on if you're not careful, Harvey."

"Catch on?" repeated Two-Face.

"That this whole insanity thing is an act," she said. "If I could figure it out, that means someday somebody else will too. Somebody who's in a position to make your life very difficult, and remove you from here permanently. Unless you play up the insanity aspect of it," she added, looking at him pointedly. "Joker gave you your coin back, didn't he?"

"Yes," replied Two-Face, reaching for it.

"Then I suggest you use it, in future, if you don't want to be sent to Blackgate," retorted Dr. Leland. "This is a home for the criminally insane, after all. And however you choose to define yourself, you need to make sure you're still perceived as that if you want to remain here. Just a piece of friendly advice," she said, looking back down at the file. "Your secret's safe with me," she added, smiling at him. "And while I can't say I'm pleased to have you back, I am pleased you seem happy to be back."

"I am," he agreed. "Thank you, Dr. Leland. For everything."

"Don't mention it," she replied. "Seriously," she added, glancing up at him. "You are, in my professional opinion, clinically insane, and you need to be in here for your own good, and I don't want to know otherwise."

"Yes, ma'am," he said, nodding. "You won't, ma'am."

"Good. Dinner's at 6 in the cafeteria as usual," she said, returning her attention to her notes. "Oh, and Poison Ivy's just been brought back, which I assume will be of interest to you. She'll join the rest of the inmates in the Rec Room shortly. You have my permission to go now, Harvey, assuming you have your coin's permission as well."

Two-Face nodded, and flipped the coin, which landed right side up. "Yes, Dr. Leland," he said. "Thanks again."

He returned to the Rec Room, casually flipping the coin, and joined Joker and Harley in watching TV on the sofa. Poison Ivy entered a few moments later, and smiled at Two-Face. "Hi," she said.

"Hi," he said, coming over to kiss her.

"Woah, are you allowed to do that?" she asked, pointing at the coin.

"Dr. Leland thinks it would be better if I keep using this to demonstrate my insanity," he replied. "But only I know what it says, and if I'm ignoring it," he added, grinning as he kissed her.

"Cute trick," agreed Ivy, grinning back. "And I agree with her. Better to be safe than sorry about these things."

"That's what I said about your circumcision, Mr. J!" exclaimed Harley.

"Harley, I said if you ever bring that up again, I'm going to kill you," sighed Joker. "And I'm a man of my word, so…sorry, hon," he said, seizing her around the throat and squeezing tight.

Harley, instead of being perturbed by this, seemed aroused. "Oooh, that's it, Mr. J, harder!" she gasped.

"You know, this is pretty hot, Harl," agreed Joker. "If you'll excuse us, ladies and gents, we need some privacy," he said, as he dragged her away, both of them clearly eager to inflict violence upon the other in their twisted, bizarre version of love.

"Well, nothing's changed there," sighed Ivy, taking their vacant seat on the sofa. "Unfortunately."

"Yeah, I don't think either of them want it to," agreed Two-Face. "Change is really overrated a lot of the time. So is sanity, when you get right down to it."

"Is that a fact, Mr. District Attorney?" Ivy asked, cuddling against him.

"It is," he agreed, nodding as he put an arm around her. "I pity the people who have to deal with it. Who'd ever choose to be sane when all the best people in the world are crazy? I know everyone I care about is, and so is everyone who cares about me."

"What about Bruce Wayne?" asked Ivy.

"Oh, he pretends to be sane, but that's mostly an act," said Two-Face. "Trust me, I couldn't be friends with Bruce if there wasn't some spark of insanity in him. Unfortunately he'll never embrace it the way we have, which is too bad. I know he'd be a lot happier if he could."

Outside in the drizzling rain, Batman perched on a nearby tree, gazing through the bars into the window of the Rec Room. He saw Ivy and Two-Face cuddled together in the glow from the TV screen, and sighed heavily, turning away from the light. He had meant what he had said to him – he hoped Ivy could help him somehow, but he doubted it.

All he knew was that without his friend, the night seemed as dark as it always had, devoid of hope. But that was why the world needed Batman after all, and so did he. It was the one bright spark in the darkness of his life. And whether that spark was insanity or not was fairly immaterial. It was something both he and Gotham needed.

The End