Greetings, Kim Possible fans. I'm campy, back after another long hiatus with another side story of our favorite teen hero's basic, average high school pals.

Disclaimer: Kim Possible is property of Disney. This weird little thing is entirely my responsibility.

Disney's
Jessica

in

The Cheerleader on the Edge of Forever

(A Story in the Essential Ron-ness Universe)

by
campy

February school break week, Friday night, Middleton

"... and then Commander Kane grabbed Dr. DeForest and stopped him from saving the beautiful, saintly social worker from being run over by a speeding truck, restoring the original timeline and keeping the Nazis from winning the war." Kyle Monson, Middleton High's football captain, wrapped up his summary of the classic sci-fi TV episode for his dining companions.

The group of eight Middleton High seniors were in the food court of the mall enjoying the diverse culinary offerings from the vendors there. They had just come from the adjacent cineplex where they'd all seen action movie maven Jimmy Blamhammer's latest space/time-travel-themed mega-blockbuster. Quarterback Kyle was with his girlfriend, the tall, long-legged volleyball star Megan Hadley. The other three girls were all Mad Dog cheerleaders. There was Kim Possible the auburn-haired teen hero with her best friend/boyfriend (and Kyle's teammate) Ron Stoppable; svelte, freckle-faced blonde Jessica Sundstrum alongside her steady, baseball star Steve Farley; and the curvaceous platinum blonde Tara Monroe and her beau, chess captain Kevin Guberman.

"So you're saying they completely ripped off that part of the movie from Space Passage?" Tara asked as she dipped a falafel ball in tahini.

"Pretty much, they just changed the Nazis into ninja apes and the truck into a comet," Kyle asserted, gesturing with his Cow 'n' Chow MaxiMoo burger.

"Kim actually met Commander Kane once," Ron observed between bites of his Grande GuacaNaco.

"You mean the actor?" Kevin said as he picked the Italian sausage bits off his pizza slice.

"Riiiight," Kim agreed, shooting her BF a stern look over a forkful of Muy Bueno Salad. Kim's friends knew she and Ron battled superfreaks now and then, but she didn't always tell them about the really weird stuff that sometimes happened during their Save-the-World missions — like getting caught up in the cable TV rerun dimension.

"So what was he like?" Kyle asked the redheaded teen hero. "Did he say anything to you?"

"Um ... he called me 'expendable' …" Kim replied.

The other six teens considered this factoid.

"Well," Megan offered, peeling back the wrapper of her lamb gyro sandwich with extra tzatziki, "I wish I had that time thingie Quinn used in the movie that let him go back four years into the past. It'd be fun to see what all you guys were like as freshmen."

"Oh, right," Steve said, as he added Kevin's discarded sausage bits to his own pizza slice. "You went to a different school then."

Megan nodded. "I transferred here from Cardinal Fermoyle Academy after sophomore year."

"Well, Meg, you could have been friends with these guys if you'd been here then," Jess said, pointing a ketchup-dipped French fry at the four boys, "but you wouldn't have known us girls very well. Cheerleaders and sports girls never mixed in those days. "

"Hey, what about me!" Kim protested. "I was on swim team for two years. I was a sports girl and a cheerleader!"

"Well, Kim, you've always been a trendsetter, not a follower," Kevin declared.

"Yeah," Tara continued. "Back then Bonnie Rockwaller's older sister Lonnie was varsity cheer captain, and any girls who dared challenge her and her posse for attention from the boys were The Enemy."

"And the girl who challenged Lonnie the most …" Jess began, pausing and looking to her boyfriend.

"... was my older sister Lisa," Steve finished.

"Lisa Farley?" Megan said. "I've heard of her. She was quite the athlete, wasn't she?"

"She was," Steve said. "She set a record by earning varsity letters in six different sports."

"And she was also really pretty, really friendly, and super popular," Jess explained. "Which meant Lonnie and the rest of her squad hated hated hated her. They went all Mean Girls on her for two solid years."

"What did they do?" Megan asked.

"Oh, you name it. Called her nasty names behind her back, graffitied her locker, spread ugly rumors, they even got some boys to join in," Tara said. "In fact, there was one time Steve and Kevin, the scrawniest little boys in the whole freshman class, nearly exchanged punches with some big football jock who was disparaging Lisa's virtue in the locker room."

"Wow," Megan said. "I had no idea things were like that. I'm glad Middleton High's a much better place now."

Tara took a sip of her beverage, then air-quoted, "The past is a foreign country; they do things differently there."

The other teens looked quizzically at the curvy blonde.

Jessica giggled. "Tara, you usually come off like such the blonde airhead, sometimes it's hard to remember you're actually smart."

"Not for me," Kevin said. "Not when she's weaving her devious traps for me on the chessboard every day."

"So what's your sister doing these days, Steve?" Kim asked. "She went on to college somewhere on the east coast, right? Philadelphia?"

"Not Philly. She's at school in the Boston area, on a softball scholarship. That was always her main sport."

"And what does she think about you dating a cheerleader?" asked Kyle.

"Lisa's past all that high-school stuff now. We get along fine," Jessica said. "She even got me this hoodie from her team for Christmas."

The others admired Jess's maroon hoodie with the college's logo, eagle mascot and the word SOFTBALL in gold letters across the front.

"So would you guys make any changes to your past if you could go back to ninth grade?" Megan inquired.

"I wouldn't take the chance," Kyle pontificated. "What if something I did caused damage to the timeline?"

"Yeah, most science fiction authors agree it's risky to go back in time and monkey with history," Kevin added.

"Time … monkey…" Ron said with a shudder.

"What is it, Ron?" Kim asked, concerned.

"De nada, KP," her BFBF replied, collecting himself. "Just got a weird Degas view feeling there for a second."

"Degas view? I think you mean déjà vu, Ron. Edgar Degas was a French artist. And I don't think he painted any monkeys."

"I hope not!" Ron exclaimed. "Painting monkeys would be sick and wrong!"

The four couples continued eating for a while. Then Kim put down her fork. "You know, those words time and monkey together are giving me a gorchy feeling too. I can't figure out why."

No one knew quite what to say to that. The atmosphere at the table grew uncomfortable for everyone.

Then Jessica piped up. "Well, if I could go back in time to freshman year, I know exactly what change I'd make!"

"What's that, Jess?" her boyfriend asked.

"So, you say you had a major crush on me from the first day of school, right? As soon as you saw me in that pep rally?"

"Yeah, just like Kevin with Tara."

"Well, I'd go find freshman me and tell her that you were gonna be the boy of my dreams, and she should start hanging out with you right away! Imagine us being a couple for the last three-plus years instead of wasting all that time!"

"That would rock," Steve agreed.

"But what if something you did caused a bad change to history?" Tara said.

"Like what? I could somehow make the Russians win World War Two?"

Confused looks ensued.

"Jess," Kim said gently, "The Russians did win World War Two. They were our allies."

"Even I knew that," Ron said. "The World War Eye Eye Eastern Front Channel. Number 824 in your cable lineup, I believe."

"Well there ya go: no risk. Besides, my going back to freshman year couldn't possibly affect World War Two. That ended, like, twenty years before we were even born."

Seven teenaged tongues were bitten.

"And Tara! While I was there I could also find freshman you and get her to hook up with Kevin! Wouldn't you like that?"

"I don't know, Jess," Tara mused. "I kinda think I had to date the frogs before I could appreciate my prince."

"Oh come on, T!" Jess implored. "Wouldn't you rather skip dating that self-centered jerk Jason Morgan and those other handsy fratboys and go right for your soulmate?"

"What do you think, Kevin?" Tara asked the boy at her side.

Kevin put his arm around his long-time crush's shoulders. "I'd trust your judgement, Tara," he said confidently. "Things've worked out great for us, why mess with success?"

"Agreed," Tara replied, and the two shared a quick kiss.

"Okay, Tara, if you say so," Jessica conceded. "I promise, if I ever get the chance to time-travel I won't meddle in your love life."

All the teens laughed along with Jess and continued munching away at their late dinners.

After a while the four couples went their separate ways. Eventually the four boys escorted their young ladies safely home, as you'd expect well-brought-up young gentlemen to do in a T-rated story.

None of the eight teens gave any further thought to the absurd idea that one of them might get to journey back through time and tinker with their pasts. If they had, they would have laughed again.

Later that night, though, Jess wouldn't be laughing.

to be continued ...