The List

Bella's thirty but where has her life really taken her? She's got a job, but no real life to speak of. No lover, no kids, nothing... Feeling lost and alone on her birthday she drunkenly writes a list of things she's never done before but has always wanted to. Maybe life really does begin at thirty?

Originally posted in 2009 under Jayeliwood.

As always, tis not perfect. If you see any mistakes or typos, please let me know nicely, precisely, or not at all. I am more than willing to fix anything but I am doing this on my own and merely human. Thank you for your kindness and understanding in advance.

Enjoy!

Thirty

September 2009-

Okay, so I will admit it. I didn't handle the big three O that well. At all. But, in my defense, when I was twenty and I envisioned the day it went much differently in my head. I figured I would be surrounded by my friends, my kids, and would be eating cake while in the arms in my hunky husband. Not home alone with my fat ass on the couch eating cake and watching reruns.

Not even my mother came to see me on my birthday. What the hell?

Of course not. She was too busy running around with her new hunky husband.

Dammit. WHERE THE HELL IS MY HUNKY HUSBAND?!

I will also admit that I had gotten myself very drunk. It was my birthday and I deserved champagne. Maybe not a bottle and a half's worth, but I drank it anyway. I wanted to indulge.

As I laid there I thought about my life and what it had become.

The first and only thing that really came to mind was my business. I was a web designer and I had been doing extremely well since I went out on my own. I had almost fifty small local companies that kept me working. I could even work mainly in my pajamas at home if I wanted to. How many people could say that?

But what else was there?

I had no friends. I did at some point or at least I thought I did. When I was with my ex we were always surrounded by this wonderful group of people. But when he met his true love, and I mean out of his mind crazy in love soul mate, that group disappeared. It was just too awkward for me and for them. And I knew where their loyalty laid.

With Jacob. Always with their 'brother'.

Not that I blamed him or them. He deserved his love and happiness. And he did it the right way. He never cheated and he never lied. He was very upfront about the whole thing. I think most guys could learn from Jacob on that matter. He was always such a nice guy. He made it very hard to be angry at him.

I guess I could be a bit pissed about the part where they only dated six months before they got married and we dated for six years without a single peep about marriage.

And, about the fact that she was only in her very early twenties.

Also, his young bride looked like a fricken supermodel and I was a fat ass.

Okay, my grapes were a wee bit sour. But as I gazed at the television I couldn't find the will to care. I wasn't even sure what I was watching. It was black and white and everyone was smiling.

Except for me.

Fuckers.

I don't know what made me snap but I threw myself a little tantrum, throwing the remote across the room and growled loudly. Sitting up, I ran my fingers through my mussed up hair.

"Come on! I'm better than this! Life is supposed to be better than this!"

I tried to find someone to blame in my mind for my life. I really did. But there was no one to blame but myself. I was the only one that allowed me to get that way.

"How did I get this way?" I asked myself in frustration.

Fear, a little voice in the back of my head said quietly.

"There are so many things I wanted to do with my life. When did I get so scared? There are so many things I've never done."

Maybe one of the things I needed to do was see a therapist. Lord knows that talking to myself probably wasn't at all healthy.

I laid my head against the back of the couch, looking up at the ceiling. I needed to talk to my mother. She would know what to do. She had always been so young at heart. Nothing ever slowed her down. Even in her early fifties, she was out there living her life. I picked up the phone and dialed her number.

She answered on the sixth ring, sounding breathless, "hey, baby girl! I knew there was something I forgot to do today. Happy birthday!"

"Gee, mom. Thanks. I feel loved," I mumbled, rubbing my forehead roughly.

"Sorry," she giggled. There was squealing in the background then laughter. "Phillip! Stop it! Honestly, I'm on the phone with Bella! Give me a minute."

"What are you doing?" I asked before I could think about. Gagging a little bit, I shivered at the most obvious answer. Things you didn't want to think about your mother doing...

"Oh," she laughed, "Phil is helping me scratch out things on my list."

"Your list?" I said, once again before I could think about it. "Do I want to know?"

"Get your mind out of the gutter! Honestly, Isabella. If we were having sex I wouldn't have answered the phone, silly child. No, we're in the middle of a field, looking up at the stars."

"And what does this have to do with a list?"

"It was on a list of things I want to do before I die. One of them is going out to the middle of a field and watch a meteor shower. There were about fifty things. Phil has helped me with about twenty of them," she gave a little sigh and I could practically hear the smile in her voice. "The first one was that thing, Phil. Do you remember? In the woods. I had bug bites in the worst places after that."

"OH! God! Did I need to hear that?" I asked, another little gag hanging in the back of my throat.

"Well, Bella, I'm still a very sexually act-"

"Okay, mom, I didn't call to hear about your sex life," I told her. At this point, I was trying to remember why I called her. Oh, to make myself feel better. It didn't seem to be working though.

"Sorry," she snapped at me before laughing at something on the other side of the phone. "Isabella, honey, I need to go. It's starting! I'll call you tomorrow! Love you! Happy birthday."

And she hung up.

I guess Renee was just too busy living her own life.

I threw the phone beside me on the couch, placing my hands in my lap with a small pout on my face. She was busy living her life. Why couldn't I live my life?

"I need one of those damn lists," I mumbled to myself. "All the things I want to do that I've never done. The things I need to do before I turn thirty-one."

Then write it, the voice whispered. Honestly, I was never going to drink that much again but if the voice was going to talk to me then I was going to answer it. It was rude not to.

"Where do I start?" I asked my brain.

With a piece of paper and a pen...

I looked at my college ruled paper and purple pen for a good thirty minutes, just sipping on another glass of champagne before I began writing anything. And then the words just began to pour from me.

Reconnect with a friend I've lost.

I've never been a size ten. Lose whatever it takes to get to that weight!

I've never been given an orgasm by someone else. (How sad!? Change that!)

Just take the next flight to anywhere, no matter where it is

Go to London

Kiss a total stranger

Go to an event that requires formal wear

Love myself

Dance in the Rain

Play hide and seek (I don't care if it's dorky. I'm not too old.)

I've never gotten high before (Yeah, I know, not exactly legal but I've always been curious)

I've never told someone off

Go to a Casino

Get a tattoo

Buy a pair of high heels and actually wear them

Flirt and have it work (You know what I mean)

Take dance lessons

Make a new dish a week, a healthy one

Join a gym

Go on a blind date

Go to a concert

Stay at a bed and breakfast

Plant a tree

Do something truly kinky

Go to Mardi Gras in New Orleans

Do something crafty

Buy something from Tiffany's for me

Visit a Winery

Throw a party

Make a homemade cake

Learn to knit (I know it's connected to crafty, I don't care)

Go to a baseball game

Go Ripley's believe it or not

Buy fancy knickers (ha ha ha)

Stay up and watch the sunrise

Try Greek Food

Take a self-defense course

Stay at a 5-star hotel for no good reason

Go to a Spa

Try French Food (Geez, I'm going to eat a lot of food. I don't seem to care)

Try at least 10 different beers from different countries

Go to a gay club

Celebrate Halloween

Buy a two-piece bathing suit (once I'm a size ten) and go swimming in it- in front of people

Go to a dance club

Dye my hair some crazy color

Go to a double feature

Sunbathe

Grow some sort of plant

Finally, read Interview with a Vampire (always wanted to but never gotten around to it)

Clean up my language

It took me thirty minutes before the ideas stopped. I couldn't think of anything else but I was sure there was more. More fun things that I had never done before but wanted to. They would just have to wait until next year. It was a big enough list. I doubt I could do all of them as it was but I didn't care. I could do at least some. Aim high.

And some is always better than nothing.

In my drunken state, I decided to get started right away. There was no better time than the present and no better place to start than with number one.

And how does one go about looking up lost friends? I considered that website that had all the schools and you could sign up to look for your friends but that one cost money. I was cheap. So, I decided to go with a simpler and cheaper option.

Besides, EVERYONE was on Facebook. I had just seen something on the news the other day that said if Facebook was a country it would be the third largest, or something insane like that.

Everyone was on it except for me anyway. I got my laptop and quickly typed in the website before I could worm my way out of it with some sort of Bella logic. Before I could chicken out.

It took me twenty minutes to get it all set up with a picture and everything. I even put business information up for my little company. It could be a good opportunity to advertise for free.

And before I could even begin searching for people that used to go to my high school I had a friend request from a familiar name. And with the friend request came a message.

Mary Alice Brandon Whitlock

Bella Swan! Is that you? Gosh, we were like my best friend in high school! Are you still in the Dallas area?! Me and my husband (You remember Jasper, right? The cute cowboy? Anyway...) just moved back! It would be great to get in touch with you again!

"Holy mother," I laughed to myself. "That was quick."

Of course, I remembered Alice and Jasper. They were great friends to me back in the day. They were crazy in love with each other too, even back then. We lost touch after they went to school in California together though. I wondered if Alice was still the same happy little thing she used to be. Her peppy little personality might just be what I needed to perk up my boring life.

But, I knew there was only one way I would be able to find that out for sure.

Accept friend request.

So, there's the first chapter! I'm going to try to update this one three times a week until I'm done with editing.

Who remembers reading this before and who's reading it for the first time?

Reviews are motivation. Motivation equals faster editing. Faster Editing equals faster updates. Therefore, reviews equal faster updates. It's simple math, really.

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