Forward: After updating Life Starts at 16, I got a review from Andrew Joshua Talon. If you've not come across that name, I suggest you search it, he has a massive library of fics across several fandoms, and I've been a fan for years. We got to talking, and he suggested I could adopt a story of his if I wanted. I was extremely honored, and at first I wasn't sure I could do any of his stories justice, but I knew exactly which one I wanted if I went through with it: That Most Heinous of Crimes.

The Self Insert is an interesting subgenre. I've only read a few, though I've recently become aware that it's gotten to be a much bigger subject than I thought. It's also going to be odd to take over someone else's SI. While this started as a SI, Andoryuu is now his own character, neither AJT nor myself.

Though I started to take it over at first, this is now a collaborative project, and we're both working on it. We've got a few totally new chapters ready for nitpicking, and feel ready to post the early stuff.

AndrewJTalon here. My fanfiction writing has often been up and down, and I really hate leaving stories unfinished. So I'm very proud to be working with a fellow writer who is talented and patient enough to work with me to bring this story back to life, and hopefully, to a satisfying conclusion. Or failing that, to at least entertain everyone with a story about a guy way in over his head trying to save a world by being that most underappreciated of things: A good teacher. Enjoy.

••••••••••

You know, you'd think being in an entirely different universe would involve a big transition. A lot of denial, maybe a spot of freaking out.

Probably some therapy. Lord knows the folks around here could use it.

But at the end of the day, Konohagakure is a city like any other. It has people. Mean, hateful people, kind and generous people. Hardworking and lazy, boisterous and shy. Fat people, tall people, beautiful people, ugly people. Although, being a city of ninja, there are a lot of really fit men and women.

It is different though. Despite being relatively urban, there wasn't the dark malaise that you can sometimes feel hanging over modern cities. No, there's a different spirit here, that of a populace between rural and urban. Fortunately without most of the problems of suburbia. Perhaps it was like this in the big cities right after the industrial revolution back in my old world?

Hell, it reminds me a lot of the naval base housing I grew up in when my father taught at the naval academy. Everybody there had someone in the military, or was in the military themselves. Everybody had an opinion on history or the government. Everyone wanted their husband, wife, son, daughter, whoever, to come back safely after their next mission.

Even me. Well, this me. It was the little things that let me stay sane the moment I woke up here, memories of two worlds bouncing around in my brain.

My father: Retired military, math genius, and a bit absent minded. Despite the change in the setting and the culture, he remained my father. My brother, the closeted homosexual: Working as a lawyer, dressing up as a woman and going down to the red light district when he thought nobody was looking, still a total and complete bitch to me and anyone he found beneath him. A bit exaggerated, and a bit more disturbing here, but the fundamentals remained the same. Admittedly the crossdressing was unique to this world, at least as far as I was aware.

And me. There were differences. Good ones, bad ones, but fundamentally? No change. Obviously having ninja magic was a rather large difference. But ultimately superficial in defining who I was. The probabilities were insane, the implications disturbing.

Unless I was insane. But Nihilism is boring and unproductive. I was here. This was me. Unless in a few months I woke up back home again. If that happened, I would pick myself back up and do that again. What else could I do?

Still, I think the thing that made the transition easiest wasn't my neat, awesome powers. Nor the respect I had, earned through hard work. It was, quite simply, the fact that I had a purpose. A reason for being. A direction in life beyond meandering through college trying to figure out what to do.

I stared into the mirror. Age 27, a jounin of Konohagakure for less than a week. Due to head down to pick up a genin team from the Academy in a few hours, and see if they have what it takes to go the distance. I adjust my glasses, run my hand through the same messy brown hair.

I find myself looking at my reflection, and smiling like I haven't in years. I'm somebody here. Not in awards or money but to people.

Really, is there anything else you can ask for?

Aside from a girlfriend. Or a wife.

Both of which I lack in this world. Nothing new, unfortunately.

"Ah well," I think, memories bumping around, triggering new ones of this world, "I have the time, I have the means. And best of all," I grinned, "I won't have Team Seven!"

I let out a chuckle. I wanted no part of trying to save the world. Things would work out more or less. Sure people would die, but that happened before I wound up here, and would continue after I died. Hopefully not for several more decades. I mean, I wouldn't leave everyone to the dogs. I could probably help here and there, but I wasn't going to try and out plot the movers and shakers of this world. I would end up in one of Ibiki's special chairs real quick if I decided to take advantage of the Plot.

Though perhaps I could win the affection of this world's version of my crush before she married that ass.

I blinked, more memories trickling through. No. They had married here too. Can't have everything, I suppose.

But! A fresh perspective, a different viewpoint, a new world and life laid out in front of me. So, I was going to take it and do the best I could.

I would find greatness in my students, even if it killed them! No matter who they were!

My name is Tsume Andoryuu. Er, now. And even with the dangers of this world, I have to admit- I'm looking forward to the future.

••••••••••

I have a few hours before I needed to pick up my new team. I was going to use this time making sure I could actually be a jounin without slipping and breaking my neck, or holding the wrong end of a kunai.

I've never parkoured before. Well, my Other does it all the time. And thankfully, it seems to be instinctual. I remember how to do it, and I don't really have to think about it. That bodes well. I headed to a rarely frequented training area and quickly managed to confirm that I can also do jutsu, and no, I won't be stabbing myself by accident.

I lacked the time for more self-exploration, so I headed to the academy with the knowledge that at least I won't be an embarrassment to myself.

••••••••••

"Uzumaki Naruto, Haruno Sakura, and Uchiha Sasuke. Team 7, instructor: Tsume Andoryuu!"

Naruto's whoop of joy, Ino and Sasuke's groans of dissapointment, and Sakura's rapidly shifting excitement and despair were all cut through by one reaction.

"Oh fuck me!"

Everyone is staring at me. So much for not being an embarrassment.

"Er, Great? Follow me."

This world is doomed.

••••••••••

I led them to the playground. I'm not Kakashi. No point blindly emulating him, or canon. I used the walking time to corral my panicky thoughts.

This wasn't the end of the world. I quickly re-assessed my situation, and decided that in a way, this was a position of power. These three had enormous potential, the old me had more knowledge of Naruto canon and fan ideas than he would have admitted to in public, and I had real, first-hand technical skills and knowledge due to being a jounin.

This was workable.

We sat down in the middle of the playground. Which was more like an outdoor gym and activity center really.

"Well. Here we are. Why don't we go around and introduce ourselves?"

I won't blindly follow canon, but how could I pass this up?

"Introduce ourselves?" Sakura asked. I nodded.

"Well, shouldn't you go first then, sensei?" Sakura asked. Her voice had a kind of... Hermione-ish quality to it. Which made it slightly annoying. It was ironic that the characteristics that made Hermione one of the most competent young characters in their story made Sakura rather lacking at first in this one.

"Nope," I said simply. "Go for it, Pinky." I just wanted more time to think.

In an anime, it's difficult to determine ethnicity aside from really obvious cues, like skin color, due to the limitations of art. In the world itself though, everything was real. Naruto, for instance, was more European in his appearance. The anime made his hair much brighter than it actually is- it was a darker blonde, slightly lighter than Mark Hamill's. Other than his whisker marks, you could lose him in any city in the US, really. Closer observation though hinted at some Asian features, particularly around his eyes.

Sasuke looked like a protagonist out of a Final Fantasy game. Again, that odd mixture of European and Asian features, though in him the Asian aspects dominated slightly. Sakura was slimmer and more delicate than the boys, naturally, but European features dominated. She reminded me a bit of a French girl I once met on exchange, only in better physical condition. The anthropologist in me was furiously speculating about the ethnic migrations and possible reasons for this, as Sakura introduced herself.

It was a speech I had heard, or read, dozens of times, though usually with a few variations. I don't remember the script word for word, but she certainly hit all the main bullet points.

I nodded. "Thank you. Naruto?"

Naruto started his introduction.

Ah. Wow. He was annoying all right. For better or for worse though, he was the crux of everything. Sure, Sasuke would play a large role, but if I could prevent him from defecting... Well, there was time to think about that later.

"Well, you're certainly enthusiastic enough. Finally, Sasuke, a few words?"

Sasuke was in a gendo pose, which was most amusing, and on his young frame, adorable.

"... to kill a certain man."

Huh. He had actually said it.

There was a lot of debate over whether Kakashi was as brilliant a teacher as he was with everything else, or if he was lazy, selfish human with a narrow but extreme competency in his profession. I still don't know, not having many memories of him myself, but it was clear he wasn't very nurturing. I decided then and there that I wouldn't just teach them. Two of my students were orphans. They needed a family. Sakura needed a reality check.

"Sensei? You still haven't gone yet."

Sakura of course.

Right. "Well. My name is Tsume Andoryuu," I began. "I like many things, I dislike many things, and I have a number of hobbies which are related to my goal. Which is..." And here I stood up dramatically and gave them all a manic grin.

"To ransom the world for one million Ryu!" I finished with my hand upside down and my pinky in my mouth.

I received blank stares.

Tough crowd.

"Really?" Naruto asked.

"No. To much work. I'll be satisfied with turning you three into the best ninja you can be. How's that sound?"

"Better?" Sakura hazarded.

Sasuke had the look of the last sane man in a Monty Python sketch. Sakura seemed much the same.

First impressions are so important. I wondered if I should have been a bit more serious. But what the hell, we're going to be together for years.

"Well. I think it's time for some lunch. I'm buying."

I couldn't tell if this was going to be the most fun I'd ever have, or utter hell. Only one way to find out though.

••••••••••

The Elemental Countries are very, very weird. You thought your glimpse into them from the manga or anime side was weird? You haven't even touched on the weirdness. Kishimoto is an interesting, though far from perfect, world builder, but I was in the elemental countries. I'm not going to think about the metaphysical ramifications of which came first, the reality or the writer, especially as I might be drooling in the corner of an asylum, but let's just assume his muse somehow tapped into another plane of existence. We never got to see how things really worked.

Just as the ninja in Naruto are very unconventional, so too is the Daimyo very unlike a traditional Daimyo. The closest approximation I can draw is a kind of mix between king, chairman, and prime minister.

Fire Country itself is like if the Greek city-states joined together into a semi-democratic state, with each state being regulated to keep what they were best at what they were best at. And the central government had a lot of influence from modern China. These prefectures/states had a lot of autonomy, as long as they kept up certain quotas of taxes and kept to established regulations and laws, and even got a say in the day to day running of the central government. There was a constitution and a sort of "contract" between the Daimyo and his citizens, not that dissimilar to the Magna Carta or a Bill of Rights, that essentially stated that as long as the Daimyo did a good job as the commander of the armed forces and the chief executive, he kept his job. Suits that he was not doing his job properly could be brought before a high court, and a council of judges (who were maintained by popular vote through their version of a legislature) would examine the Daimyo's record. If he was not fulfilling obligations, the government would negotiate and work out a new contract with the Daimyo for him to keep to his obligations. If he couldn't fulfill his contract, he'd be dismissed and a new Daimyo candidate (generally a member of a wealthy family or a highly ranked military commander) would be applied for general election-But the judge's council had the final say on the Daimyo's appointment, which could be overruled by the Head of the Diet calling for…

Gods above, just thinking about it gave me a headache. It was an odd amalgam of democracy, oligarchy, autocracy, corporatism, meritocracy... Their constitution was a mess. And yet, somehow, it all worked. Trust me though, I think a shonen manga was better off not getting into all of this.

In the here-and-now though, Naruto was still pouting that we weren't eating ramen for lunch. I was salivating over all the memories of authentic foreign (to me) cuisine available, and I'd seen beef rendang on a sign the way over, and dammit, I wanted one. Still he seemed to be enjoying his food. Sasuke had gotten something simple and was eating methodically, while Sakura was picking at her extra-large serving I had ordered for her and trying to eat as little as possible.

And me? I was thinking about how I got into this mess. Rumor had it that Hatake Kakashi was going to get Team 7, and in a ninja village, the more denied a rumor, the more likely it was true. I also had my own knowledge of the manga and anime. Kakashi was the guy they picked in canon, and the reasoning held up; at least in theory.

He was arguably the strongest ninja in Konoha save the Hokage and the Sannin, he had the Sharingan, he had that connection to the Fourth Hokage... Really, with the rookie of the year being Sasuke, and a jinchuuriki in the team, how could it be anyone BUT Kakashi?

Which left me wondering how the hell I got stuck with Team 7. Did some god consider it ironic? Well, it was. Horribly ironic. Downright hilarious, if you thought about it.

"So, what will you be teaching us first, sensei?" Sakura cut through my musings.

I sighed, and looked at her bowl. I knew it was a cliché, but I couldn't help myself. I know in my heart of hearts that if I ever wake up in the Potterverse, I will own a trunk that's bigger on the inside than the outside. Sometimes clichés exist because of common sense.

"Well, first I'm going to make you clean your plate. Ninja use a lot of calories. Have you ever seen a fat ninja outside the Akimichi clan?"

Sakura's mouth hung open.

"Good, that's step one. Now put the food into it-"

"Andoryuu!"

I managed to resist the urge to twitch, and plastered a happy smile on my face as I looked up. "Hello, Ben."

The genin turned their heads to gawk at the bear-like man in woman's clothing who stood before our table. The smile on his face was as fake as mine, and just failed to make me want to vomit given how his makeup was applied.

"Aw, is that all you have to say to your brother? Especially when I brought you something special!" Ben pouted. Sakura, Naruto and even Sasuke's eyes all widened.

"Br-Brother?!" Sakura squeaked. I gave a little shrug.

"This is Benji, my brother. As you can see, he's a very... Colorful individual," I said calmly. Benji smirked at me.

"So diplomatic and reserved, it's rather cute." He looked over at my students with a wink. "Don't buy it, he's actually a nutjob."

"He's the nutjob?" Naruto blurted out.

"Now now, Naruto, it takes all types." I said. "No throwing stones. I know all about your 'Sexy jutsu'."

The blonde looked indignant. "That's different! It's for use AGAINST perverts, not some-!"

"WHAT?! That's the most perverted jutsu ever! And it's stupid!" Sakura butted in suddenly. Sasuke looked as though he'd rather be anywhere else. At the moment, I agreed completely. So I decided to try and nip this in the bud.

"Ben, you had something for me, right? What is it?" I asked. Ben grinned, and produced a box from his dress.

"This!" He set it down with a beam. "Just got it from the publishers."

"You were going through my mail again weren't you," I sighed. Ben shrugged.

"We are brothers... And besides, you do it to me all the time!"

"I do it because I know how to tell the difference between a bomb and a box of chocolates from your latest paramour," I said flatly, quickly checking the box for any traps. Jounin training said it was safe, so did instinct. So, with a slash of a kunai, I opened the package.

"What's that?" Naruto asked. I opened the box, and picked up the book within. I allowed myself a little smile.

"So, he published a new one huh?"

"Yep!" Ben said brightly. He took the book and presented it to us all, like a butch, cross-dressing Vanna White. Ooh, now there's an image. Or a nightmare.

"Strategic Considerations for Future Conflicts, by Tusume Rei?" Sakura read, her eyes widening in realization. "Wait, you're that Tusume?"

"No, that's my father," I explained patiently. Sasuke and Naruto both looked lost, and Sakura looked like she was about to have a nerdgasm.

"I-I did a whole report on his book Treatise on Joint Operations! I love his writing!"

"Huh? Who? What?" Naruto asked. Before Sakura could rant at Naruto for being stupid, I quickly interjected.

"My dad was an officer in the Fire Army and acted as a liaison and strategic planner during the Third Shinobi War," I quickly explained. "He also taught mathematics and some strategy classes, and writes books about how wars are fought and managed."

"I didn't know you two were related," Sakura said happily. "Can-Can I read this book?"

"Sure, it's my copy after all," I said, handing it over to her. Naruto frowned.

"Strategic... Joint Operations...?"

"Yeah... Put pretty simply, there's a lot more to fighting than just, you know, fighting," I explained. "Though it depends on what level you're planning at. It is a good thing to learn, however, if you're going on to, say, Hokage." I grinned at the eager light that glinted in Naruto's eyes. Sasuke was only marginally interested.

"Tell me more!"

"Oh, don't let him start, kid," Ben interjected. "He'll talk your head off about how this general did such and such, and how population numbers mean something something. It'll bore you to tears."

"But I want to learn! What would you know about it anyway?" Naruto demanded.

"Well, I know that orange clashes so badly with your skin I'm getting a headache just from looking at you," Ben replied glibly. "Can't be helpful as a ninja. Your enemies will target you first to end the pain." Mentally I groaned. Shit, Naruto, you fool, he's going on a rant!

"Well duh, that's why I wear it. Everyone's already glaring at me, they can have a headache for their troubles," Naruto said with a smirk.

Huh. Go figure.

This actually made my brother pause for a moment, but he was already on a roll. "Speaking of, the broody one! He looks like an anemic vampire, he's so pale! You aren't going to let him stay that way, right Andoryuu? And his hair! His dress sense! UGH! He could be smiling brightly right now and he'd still be taken for emo!"

Sasuke glowered. Ben prattled on, Sakura his next target.

"But you darling! Oh! I love your hair, truly I do! You take such good care of it!"

"Oh? I-I do?" Sakura was interrupted from defending her crush by the flattery. "Well, um, th-thank you!"

"But the dress! Oh, the dress. Quite a risk dear, you look like a... How shall I put this delicately? Like you decided to work early in the red lantern district," Ben said. Sakura gaped.

"I WHAT?! M-My mother made me this dress!"

"Oh? The pink hair... Oh my! You're Mebuki's little girl, aren't you? Oh, I meet her up downtown all the time!"

"Downtown?!" Sakura gasped.

Naruto blinked. "Wait... Are you saying Sakura's mom is a prostitute?"

"MY MOTHER IS NOT A PROSTITUTE!" Sakura screeched, whacking Naruto over the head.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of, dearie! Mebuki does wonderful things!" Ben tried.

"MY MOTHER IS NOT A PROSTITUTE!"

I sighed, and looked across the table at Sasuke. He looked back. I shot him a look that told him I knew exactly where he was and how he was feeling... And, strangely enough, I got one back.

I guess those with siblings do have a connection... Even if one is a crazed genocidal maniac, and the other is a crossdressing asshole.

••••••••••

Benji had gone off to terrorize some other victims, leaving me with my team. Alone. Again.

Still, the tension was a little lower thanks to the fact that we all now had something in common. Namely, an intense dislike for my brother. I owed him an angora sweater or something.

Oh, wait. Angora didn't exist here. Damn. Maybe a feather boa?

"So, what was it you were saying about stuff a Hokage should know?" Naruto asked. He was avoiding looking at Sakura, who was shoveling beef and rice into her mouth as quickly as she could with a look of misery. Sasuke was actually paying attention, which I took as a sign of progress.

"Well... Summed up, mostly what my dad talks about is how wars are fought and managed, from the squad level up to a theater level conflict," I explained.

"Theater? What's this got to do with movies?" Naruto asked.

"It's not that kind of theater, idiot," Sasuke snorted. Naruto scowled back.

"Fuck you, bastard!"

"Hey, hey, focus guys," I interjected. "You want to know this or not?"

"He insulted me!" Naruto whined. Sasuke snorted.

"I'm stating an obvious fact."

"Yeah well, you're a pale, anemic vampire!"

"Oh good, stealing material from the crossdresser. I always knew you were weird."

I sighed, and in an instant, an idea appeared in my head on how to resolve the situation.

Before I could stop myself, my hands were forming seals. A slip of my kunai got me some blood, and I pressed my hand down on the table.

"Kuchiyose no jutsu," I spoke, and in a poof of smoke, my summon arrived. My intent transmitted to it over our linked chakra, and the next second, a spider the size of a dinner plate had jumped up and latched it's legs onto Sasuke's face.

"Please, Sas-uke, -ACK!" Naruto cried out. Sakura dropped her chopsticks. Behind the spider, Sasuke's eyes were widen in frozen horror.

"Now that I have your attention," I said calmly. "May I continue?"

Sakura and Naruto slowly nodded. Sasuke was still totally frozen in fear, which I alleviated by having my summon jump back to my hand. Strangely enough, I didn't feel horror, repulsion or the need to scrub my skin with steel wool until I was clean at the spider's touch. My Other's experience with his summons took care of that.

"Hey boss, how's it going?" Ringumo asked, clicking her mandibles. I smiled back at the summon, quite aware of my team's continuing horror.

"All right, Gumo-chan. How about you?"

"Bored," she said flatly. She scuttled around and looked back at Team 7. "Who are these people?"

"This is my genin team, Gumo-chan," I replied. "Uzumaki Naruto, Uchiha Sasuke, and Haruno Sakura."

"Oh right. Congratulations on becoming a sensei! Hello!" Ringumo called, raising one of her legs in a friendly wave. Naruto managed to get over his initial horror fastest, and looked intently at the summon.

"Wow... A real live summon?"

"Yes," I said with a smile. "This is Ringumo, part of the Spider family. I'm fortunate enough to be her summoner."

"He's much better than our old summoner. My mom really loves him!" Gumorin said cheerfully. Sakura gaped.

"You mean... Um... There are... Bigger spiders than you?"

"Oh yes! My mom's really huuuge!" Ringumo said, spreading her forelegs widely. "Big as a house!"

"Gumo-chan, why don't you head home? I'll play with you later," I said, as Sakura turned white at the mental image of a house-sized spider. The little summon gave the spider equivalent of a nod, and poofed away.

"... Sp-spiders?" Sasuke managed.

I nodded. "Yeah... Sorry about that Sasuke. Perhaps a bit extreme, but I don't like it when my team are being childish."

Sasuke managed to very slowly nod, and tried to regain his composure. I sighed and rubbed the back of my head.

"Where was I...? Eh, I think I'll save that lecture for another time. Oh, I nearly forgot! You all have a test tomorrow."

"What? Another test?" Naruto asked.

"Yep. It's required of Konoha for a team to demonstrate whether they can operate together successfully. Put simply, if you can't work together, then you can't be a ninja."

"Work together?" Naruto asked flatly. I nodded.

"Yes..." I realized I was making it extremely obvious, but honestly, this was supposed to be the military, right? Well, more special ops, but... Teamwork is essential in any military unit.

Besides, If they didn't get the point of the test from these clues, then there wasn't much else to do but give them some hints.

They couldn't be that dumb or self absorbed, could they?

••••••••••

I decided to leave a Shadow Clone with my team, and instructed it to spend time with the team and find some kind of activity for them to do together. In case it's been a while since you've read canon, only Naruto's mass shadow clone technique is forbidden. The regular version is somewhat draining, but not that uncommon.

As for me... I went to the Hokage's office, Ringumo re-summoned onto my shoulder.

"What are we going to do, Andoryu?" The spider asked. I simply smiled at every person we passed, every eye upon Ringumo. Subconsciously, my other was perfectly at ease with Ringumo and others of her kind. That biological imperative that stated anything with eight legs and fangs was something to get the fuck away from was simply not there.

It was actually due to just how my Other had gotten to sign the summoning contract. As well as most of his current skill set. It was a fear he had been forced to get rid of... Or go utterly insane.

Being reverse-summoned into a world of giant, sentient, chakra-using spiders for a whole year by your insane sensei tended to prioritize how you viewed the world.

But that was a different story that my Other and myself didn't really want to dwell on right now.

Or really, ever.

"We're going to see the Hokage," I explained to my summon.

"Ya want me to grab his face?"

"Why Gumo-chan, do you think I just summoned you for that?" I asked.

"Sometimes I think you just summon me for that," the little spider huffed. "You never summon me to play fetch or tag anymore! It's just to torment people!"

"Is there something wrong with that?"

The spider hummed thoughtfully, clicking her mouthparts. "No. It's kind of fun!"

"See, this is why you're my favorite," I said, patting the spider affectionately.

"Awww... You know, you haven't summoned Mom for a long time! She misses you," Ringumo said. I sighed.

"Gumo-chan, I'm not exactly comfortable with how much your mom... Likes me."

"Awww... Why not? She can take human form, you know," Ringumo said.

"I'm well aware, and that doesn't really help. I'd still know she's a spider."

"But... so are you though?" She asked. I thought about how best to phrase my answer.

"In spirit... I suppose I am. But not in the ways that might let me consider... That. Besides... I know what happened to your father."

"Awww! Mom likes you a lot more than she liked him!" Ringumo said. We had reached the doors to the Hokage's office, nobody giving me more than a glance. It seemed I was expected.

It didn't stop my Spidey sense from tingling though. If anything, the fact that I was expected put me more on edge.

And yes, I do have a Spider Sense. Sort of. Less ESP and more a simply heightened sense of situational awareness. Any jounin still alive had good situational awareness, very good, but it takes on a whole new meaning when training with smart, giant spiders.

"That's what I'm afraid of," I admitted to Ringumo as the doors to the office opened. I walked inside, immediately noting two people in the room.

One was the Hokage.

The other was Hatake Kakashi.

"Tsume-san, how nice to see you!" Sarutobi said, smiling as he smoked his pipe.

Ringumo hissed at him, and fixed all of her eyes right on his face. He didn't look in the least bit fazed.

"Hokage-sama... Hatake-sempai," I said politely.

"We've been expecting you," the Hokage said unnecessarily. That he was actually speaking the obvious indicated he was giving me leave to be as blunt as I liked.

I decided to take him up on the offer. "Why have I been handed Team 7? Shouldn't Hatake-sempai be given them?" I asked. The Hokage's smile shifted, ever so slightly.

Keep in mind, this man was a 69 year old ninja. The older the ninja is, generally, the better they are at, well, everything. But especially deception and conceit. It did not surprise me in the least that Sarutobi had the "grandfatherly old man" act down perfectly. It was only thanks to what I knew about him I figured he was cackling maniacally behind that smile of his.

"Hatake-san actually recommended you," he said. Ringumo hissed at Kakashi, who stiffened slightly at the sound.

Good girl.

"Did he now?" My gaze travelled to the man. I was starting to think the fans in the 'lazy and selfish' camp were right.

"I feel you have what it takes to truly bring out their full potential," Kakashi explained, granting me one of his infamous eye smiles.

I have to say, I can understand team seven's exasperation and anger with him easily. That smile just reeked of smug asshole.

"I don't have a Sharingan," I said flatly. "Nor am I a sealing expert."

"No, but you can understand them very well," Sarutobi said.

I got his implication immediately.

"And you know how not to teach," Sarutobi said. I mentally grimaced. He was playing that card.

I thought quickly, "Well, if abusive teachers are suddenly a merit, I suggest Mitarashi-san. She deserves to be full jounin anyway."

Kakashi looked amused. "Actually, that's not a horrible idea."

"Yes it is. While Anko most definitely qualifies as a jounin, I'm not putting students into her care."

Oh well, it had been a long shot. "All the same, you're handing me two students with extremely... special needs, who do not have families or clans to help them with said needs," I said.

"No jounin would think of refusing you assistance, Tsume-san," Sarutobi said. "But I have entrusted this team to you. Do you not think yourself able to handle it?"

I really, really wanted to say yes. I really wanted to say I wasn't ready for this, that I would probably fuck up the entire future of this world. I could find something, anything to say.

Even if it was futile, I could go down swinging. But they were both playing on the fact that, rather traumatic life aside, I hadn't turned out totally and completely insane. That I was a nice guy who would work to keep my students from getting killed.

"Andoryu can do anything!" Ringumo said defiantly. She hissed loudly.

She was always the least perceptive of her brothers and sisters.

With a heavy sigh, I shook my head.

"No Hokage-sama... I will begin training my team immediately," I said. Ringumo gave the spider equivalent of a big smile, which got another not-shudder out of Kakashi. I recalled his home address. "However-"

"Yes?"

"I will be taking your offer of assistance. We all know Naruto has holes in his basic training that you could drive a carriage through. I never really learned a taijutsu style, and he can't even do the academy basic stances. My genjutsu is rudimentary for a jounin, and I have few elemental jutsu that Sasuke would thrive with. I am a first time sensei, with a very important team."

"You do yourself diservice."

"I understand my limitations. Konoha's strength has always been teamwork. I will be relying on my senpai, especially since you have so much free time without a team of your own."

Kakashi frowned, but the Hokage gave me a genuine smile. You could tell with him, he made sure you knew. "Very good, and well said. With some help, I believe our resident Spider Sage can handle this."

"What?" I asked, eyes widening. Sarutobi held up the summoning scroll for spiders, the very same one I had signed all those years ago.

"You are the only signer of the scroll who has developed the skills gained from your summons to reach jounin level," Sarutobi said. "I believe there is no one better suited for the position of Spider Sage."

"We wouldn't accept anyone else! What took you so long?" Ringumo demanded.

"We recently recovered it from your sensei's estate. Legal troubles," Sarutobi admitted. He sighed. "I try to respect the rule of law as much as I can, after all."

"Th-Thank you, Sarutobi-sama… I haven't earned the title yet, but I will." I said.

To most, being a Sage was, well... It was the equivalent of being the Indiana Jones or Stephen Hawking of your particular field.

Looking at the Canon though, being a true Sage was more. Even Jiraiya failed to summit that particular mountain. Nature chakra is tricky. The Hokage had many titles, but Sage was not amongst them, despite a firm alliance with the apes.

I took the summoning scroll, almost reverently, and slid the shoulder strap over my head. Ringumo moved a little, and did her spider smile again.

"Good luck, Tsume-san, and don't worry, you are not alone." Sarutobi said, the last bit more directed towards Kakashi. I bowed, and headed out, in slightly higher spirits than before.

Sure, I had the fate of the Elemental Countries on my shoulders, but it didn't seem as bad as before...

And then my Shadow Clone's memories popped into my head. I groaned.

"What is it?" Ringumo asked.

"My Shadow Clone decided to have Team 7 bond by tying them all together with webbing."

"Is that bad?" Ringumo asked.

I finally heard the distant explosion that killed my clone rattle through the window. I held a hand to my forehead.

"Not by itself, no."

••••••••••

I don't normally get stress headaches. Hunger headaches, yes. Allergy related headaches, sure. Changes in weather headaches? Oh very my yes.

Well... This actually felt like a hunger headache. As in "My stupid students have made me angry enough to consider eating them."

"So... Just to clarify," I began to my rather singed looking students, "you, Sasuke, threatened to use a Grand Fireball on the webbing."

The Uchiha survivor nodded slowly. He held up his arm, still bound in my Shadow Clone's webbing to Sakura's arm. Sakura, in turn, was bound to Naruto's wrist in a similar arrangement.

"And then Naruto pulled out an explosive note," I continued, my eyes going over to him. The soot-covered blonde growled.

"He started it! He threatened to burn us alive!"

"And when Sakura tried to intervene, the explosive note became unstable, and went off," I finished, my eyes going to my extremely embarrassed female student. She was nearly down to her underwear. Most of her dress had been burnt off in the explosion.

"Y-Yeah... Your shadow clone took the brunt of the blast," she explained.

Ah. That explained why the last memories my shadow clone sent were of him yelling "Son of a-!"

In English, no less.

"Well... You have managed to prove my point. Teamwork is paramount to a ninja team. That means cooperation. That does not mean threatening to kill each other and then blowing each other up!" I said in very clear, mostly calm words. All three looked at me sullenly. I sighed.

"If this is how you're going to act, then I can see only one possible way you can pass tomorrow's test. Or even act as a team." I gave them all a very, very unpleasant smile. I was pleased to see them all, even Sasuke, look intimidated.

I was probably helped by Ringumo hissing, but all the same...

"Wh-What?" Sakura dared to ask.

"You're going to learn to work together, as one, as you are now."

Blank looks for just an instant, and then...

"WHAT?!"

"For how long?" Sasuke demanded.

"Until you learn," I stated flatly.

"But-But Tsume-sensei, I'm a girl!" Sakura squawked.

I quirked my brow. "Yes. And?"

She looked at me as if I was an idiot. "Bathroom!"

"Ah, well, that gives you an incentive to learn quickly doesn't it? All three of you, actually, unless you like the idea of showering together."

That got them all bright red. I squashed the impulse to grin maniacally.

"B-but we have to stick together?! All of us?!"

"Yes Naruto, you do," I said patiently. I gave the matter some thought. "Now, Naruto's apartment is the closest, so I suggest you all head there. Lend some of your clothes to Sakura, and then rest up, tomorrow's going to be a big day!"

I grinned after all.

"Oh, and by the way... If any of you try to escape your bonds... Kuchiyose no jutsu."

Out of a large poof of smoke, a human-sized wolf spider appeared. All three of my students cringed.

"Then Kokubogumo here will have to reapply the webbing. And she doesn't like having to web things that struggle. She generally applies venom first."

Kokubogumo (which could be literally translated as "cruel mother spider") gave my genin the equivalent of a spider smile. All three looked pale.

"It does make it much easier to secure new webbing," she said. I immediately noticed all three of my students looking at each other, and there it was: the beginning of a bond.

Sure, they would try to team up and make my life a living hell, but that could quickly redirected towards enemies with just a bit of training.

"Well, I will see you all tomorrow," I said cheerfully, as I turned and leaped off.

"Wow, you're really going to run them through the ringer, Andoryu!" Ringumo noted, hanging onto my shoulder. I grinned.

"Well, boot camp is always the hardest part," I replied. "Besides- if I'm the bad guy, then they have a common item of hatred. Namely me."

"Are you sure it was a good idea to have Kokubo-nee-chan handle them?"

"Aw, she's really a sweetheart. She won't hurt any of them..." I thought about it. "Permanently."