Reality had shattered and things were growing. Obscenely pink things with frills.

"At least," Daria said to her mum, "that's why I assume all these clothes have turned up in my wardrobe. Fabricnorak has started."

"Daria, you only have eight items of clothing and four of them are identical copies. You run the washing machine every two days, over and over. You need more clothes."

"I will concede that." She was lying. "But the question is, why do I need these clothes."

"Quinn isn't using them anymore now they're out of season." A pained look came into Helen's eyes. "Two hundred dollars' worth, out of season in two months." She shook her head. "Anyway, they'll fit you-"

"Not on a philosophical and moral level."

Helen went for the big guns. "If you don't like them, Daria, you can always buy your own."

She called her bluff. "So you'll be happy with whatever I buy?"

She called her bluff. "It's your choice, dear."

"All right then."

"All right."

"Jane, put the damn camera away."

"Oh no. Oh no no no! 'Daria Morgendorffer buying clothes', this needs to be recorded for the ages. People will think I lied otherwise. I think I lied and I'm right here watching it."

"Watch this."

"Ah, learnt to count, did we?"

She would have been happy to banter away until oh dear, what a shame, the shops were all shut, but if Daria didn't buy some clothes now, her mother would have won and that could never be.

With a heavy heart, she dragged her carcass into the charity shop on Dega Street (because she never said she was going to spend much money). There were a few sad racks of dresses, relics from the seventies and early eighties, hanging like warnings to future generations. There were suits that looked like they'd been worn by the dead after burial. There were T-shirts that...

...hmmm.

"That T-shirt has a drawing of Jesse on it. A bad one."

Jane blanched. "Awww no. That's one of the old Bats With Guns T-shirts - the band Jesse used to be in during Spiral's "Beergate" incident. He got me to do the T-shirts and I was in a bad mood at the time and- put it back, Daria!"

"I think this T-shirt is to be recorded for the ages."

"You really need to get over me dating Tom, you know that?"

"And I'll get that suit too."

Jane looked at said suit and wished she hadn't. "That looks like one of Frankenstein's Monster's hand-me-downs."

"Yes. Yes it does."

Daria had also bought a top hat, which she insisted on wearing with the suit during dinner.

"Daria..." Helen tried, failed, gave up.

"You did tell me I should dress smarter."

"That's right, you did!" said Jake, upset. "Why did you do that, Helen?!"

Quinn pushed her plate away. "Can I eat in my room? I don't want to have to look at... at... ewwww! Just, ewwww!"

The next day, Daria came down in tight leather jeans (if she'd been two sizes larger) and a corset-dress (three sizes larger) and opera gloves with safety pins stuck in them for no reason. Also the top hat again.

"You're in thin ice here," said Helen.

"I'm just expressing my inner darkness."

"Does it work?" asked Jake, a glint in his eye. "Does it help?!" This killed the conversation for all concerned.

Daria went to school dressed like that, because her mum had asked her not to. When she got there, Andrea stared in horror: "Mum swore she hadn't thrown it out! Damn it!"

The day after that, Daria went out in an ominous black trenchcoat over a chequered go-go dress and Quinn swore blind to everyone that her cousin was ill. When they got home, they found their dad with black make-up and a fishnet shirt, grousing "It didn't work, damn it!"

On the fourth day, Daria emerged in full-on hipster gear but her mother just thought she was dressing normally again.

On the fifth day, Daria woke up to find her wardrobe was back down to eight items and there was a fire in the back garden. A very unrepentant Quinn was downstairs, soot over her face.

"I had to."

"Why did you burn your old clothes as well?"

Quinn stared like that was the stupidest question she'd ever heard. "Uh, you were gonna wear them. Hello?"

It was four more months before anyone talked to Daria about clothes again.

"Hey, Jane!" said Tom. "Daria gave me this T-shirt you drew-"

"AAAAAAAA!"

THE END

Originally written 2012, inspired by a joke after I wrote a crossover between Daria and Threads (the BBC's notorious nuclear war drama) that now there needed to be a light-hearted story with Daria's threads.