Chapter Eighteen

The trip back to the Hub took much longer than expected after Ianto phoned to tell them several Weevils were still causing problems near the docks. He sounded exhausted but offered to meet them there; Jack told him to stay at the Hub and let them know if anything else came up. He did not ask how things had gone with Tosh.

It was over an hour before they made it back to the Hub, relatively unscathed. Jack explained what happened in the park on the ride back, and by the time they reached the Hub, both Gwen and Owen were silent. Jack could sense Owen's growing anger, but Gwen seemed torn between her disappointment for Tosh and her concern for Ianto.

The Hub was dim when they walked in, and Jack's hand immediately went to his hip for his weapon, instincts flaring as he searched for danger. But then he noticed Ianto lying on the sofa, left arm thrown over his eyes. He did not speak, though he must have heard the alarm on the cog door blaring.

"Ianto?" Jack asked softly, kneeling next to him. "Everything okay here?"

"No more Weevils, no more Rift alerts," Ianto murmured without moving or opening his eyes. "Everything seems quiet for the night."

"Tosh?"

"She left a few minutes ago. I told her she could go and I'd keep an eye on things until you got back."

Jack smiled. "With your eyes closed?" he asked.

"I can still hear the alarms." Ianto opened his eyes, but he was squinting even in the dim light and shut them again with a frustrated groan.

"You feel all right?" Jack asked, worried about Ianto's sudden malaise.

"Head hurts," he muttered. "Worse than before. Got sick and had to lay down."

"You should have gone home too," Jack said. "Or gone down to the recovery room."

"Someone needed to be up here in case there were more alerts," Ianto said. "And I didn't want to make Tosh stay. Seemed the least I could do, cover for her."

"Damn right," said Owen from behind Jack. "Considering what you did."

"Owen," warned Jack.

"I know it was the end of the world and all that," Owen continued, ignoring Jack, "but somehow you get your memory back and she doesn't? That's not fair. That's bullshit."

"No, it's not fair," Ianto said, his voice cracking. "It never will be."

"I told you in the car, we had to send the devices back in time," Jack snapped at Owen. "We didn't know we weren't going to be able to bring them here, to use them on everyone else. We had to stop the paradox."

"I had to stop the paradox," Ianto corrected him, his voice heavy with bitterness. "By sacrificing them, all of them. I didn't want to, Owen, but I didn't have a choice."

No one said anything, and Ianto closed his eyes again. He was clearly in pain—physical and emotional. After a minute, Ianto spoke again.

"You should talk to Tosh," he said quietly. "She went out through the tourist office not more than ten minutes ago."

Jack was reluctant to leave Ianto, but he also knew Tosh would be hurting as well. He kissed Ianto on the forehead, so glad he could do so again, even if they usually kept any public displays from the others.

"And you should go downstairs. Or use my bed if you want, and I can take you home in a little while."

Ianto sighed and sat up, moving exceptionally slow. He was pale and clammy, and as soon as he was up, he leaned over to vomit into the rubbish bin he'd pulled over. Owen swore under his breath and stomped toward the medical bay, calling for Ianto.

"Downstairs, now. I should make sure that damn thing didn't scramble your brains in your skull."

Ianto spit into the bin and wiped his mouth. "Wouldn't think you'd care."

"I don't, except for the mess," Owen said over his shoulder. "Gwen, help him up. Jack, talk to Tosh and tell her I'll come by to check on her in a while."

Jack handed Ianto over to Gwen. "I can stay," he said quietly, but Ianto shook his head.

"Talk to her. Make sure she's okay." He offered a crooked smile. "Let her hate me if she needs to, I just want her to understand what happened."

Jack nodded and left him with Gwen and Owen, hoping the doctor wasn't too hard on Ianto. Hurrying upstairs and out through the tourist office, he hoped he could catch up with Tosh, but to his surprise, she was standing at the railing in the dark, gazing out across the water. He slowed down and walked over quietly, standing next to her for several minutes before he spoke.

"You talked to Ianto," he started, then waited. She nodded and he continued. "How are you doing?"

Staring out at the black water, she did not answer immediately, and shook her head when she did. "I don't know. Disappointed, more than anything." She turned and met his eyes. "I'm not mad at him, or at you," she said. "I know there was no choice."

"There's always a choice," Jack said quietly. "We just had to make the hard one today."

There was another pause. "Ianto said there wasn't time for anyone else to use the devices, that a paradox was destroying Cardiff."

"He's right," Jack said. "There are creatures called Reapers. They live in the time vortex and when they find a paradox, they destroy everything around it to maintain the balance of time. After Ianto used one of the devices the Doctor brought, the Rift opened. The Doctor realized it was a portal to last week, to the moment the memory spheres came through the Rift and landed in the park. If we…if Ianto didn't throw them into the Rift and back to last week, then none of this would have ever happened."

She nodded. "I know, but maybe all those people who lost their memories would still have them."

"The Reapers were already beginning to clean up the paradox. People were disappearing…you went off comms, there was a mass disappearance at one of the hospitals, and then Gwen was lost…we were out of time. Even with a time portal and a time machine right there," he added bitterly.

"Why both spheres?" she asked. "Why couldn't we have kept one and sent the other back later? We didn't find it until Monday, after all."

"But you said it probably came through with the first one," Jack pointed out. "We didn't pick up any other Rift readings at the park, so a second Rift opening might have created another paradox—a smaller one, but still a paradox."

She sighed again. "I understand…I certainly know what a paradox is, and I believe you when you say the world would have been destroyed. But…" She turned toward him again. "It's still hard, knowing I could have had my memories back, coming so close to regaining what I lost."

"I'm sorry," Jack whispered, staring at his hands on the railing. "If there was any more time, any other way…"

"You would have found it," she said, her voice small. "I just wish I'd been there—that I could have used it before you had to send it back."

Jack moved closer and put his arm around her shoulder. She leaned against him and he rested his chin on her head. "We won't stop working on it," he told her. "We'll keep searching for another device, you can continue seeing Dr. Howell if you're up for it—I won't give up on you. I promise."

She glanced up at him with a watery smile. "I know. And maybe I'll remember, someday. If not…well, I'm glad Ianto got his memory back. I don't have anyone right now, but he does. I don't hate him, if he thinks I do."

"He's too busy throwing up at the moment," Jack said without thinking.

"What?" she exclaimed, stepping away. "What's wrong? He was fine when I left!"

"He was probably hiding it—you know he can hide pain better than anyone. He collapsed when he used the device and said his head hurt. Seems worse that the first time. Owen is looking him over." He paused. "Assuming he doesn't kill him first."

Tosh sighed. "I should go see him, make sure Owen doesn't do anything stupid. He doesn't deserve it. He had to make an awful decision!"

"That affected you even more than him. Go home," Jack told her. "We've had a long couple of days."

"We've had a long week," she reminded him. "I'm glad it's over."

"Owen said he'd check on you later, if you're up for it," Jack said. She smiled and nodded.

"Okay," she replied. "Tell him I'll be at the Dockside then, I'm starving. And tell Ianto…tell him we'll be fine. I tried, but I was upset and I know he was too, and he probably doesn't believe me."

"He feels terrible about it," Jack told her quietly. "But I'll tell him, and I'll try to convince him. And I'll—"

"You'll watch out for him tonight? Make sure he's all right too?"

"Of course," Jack smiled. "You couldn't hold me back."

Tosh rolled her eyes. "You said he's not feeling well, Jack. Give him a chance to recover before you jump on him!"

"I wasn't planning to jump him," Jack protested, although he was certainly hoping to reconnect with Ianto soon. "I want to make sure he's okay."

"I know," she said. "We all saw how much you missed him this week. And even better—I think he knows it now too." She reached up and pecked him on the cheek. "Thank you for coming out. See you tomorrow."

"Don't worry about coming in," Jack told her as she stepped away. "Unless the world decides to end again. Then I'll text you."

She laughed. "One day off from saving the world would be nice, you know!"

"It would. So stay home and enjoy it while you can. Hopefully we'll have at least twenty-fours before the next crisis."

"I won't cross my fingers," she said as she turned and walked away, heading toward the small pub a few blocks away where they often had dinner or drinks. Jack watched her go, surprised at how calm she was, and yet so proud at how she was handling the disappointment of a difficult night. Sometimes he thought Tosh was the strongest of them all.

He took a moment for himself before heading back inside, where he could immediately hear Owen and Ianto shouting at one another down in the medical bay. Gwen was sitting on the sofa with her elbows on her knees and her head down. She jumped up when she saw him.

"How's Tosh?" she asked immediately, cringing when Owen dropped a particularly virulent curse.

"She'll be okay," Jack told her. "We're going to keep working on this, you know. It's not over."

Gwen nodded in agreement. "Of course. We'll find something, Jack. Someday."

"She's off for the night if you want to go home too," Jack told her. He inclined his head toward the argument from down below. "I'll take care of them."

Gwen sagged in relief. "Thank god," she said. "I didn't want to have to pull them apart, but they've been shouting for the last ten minutes!"

"Blowing off steam," Jack said. "They probably need it."

She nodded and went to get her coat, stopping before she left. "Will he be all right?" she asked quietly. "Ianto? I can't imagine how he must be feeling…"

"He's upset and angry, guilty and disappointed, but yes, he'll be all right. It'll take time, though. It's never easy, being forced to make decisions like this."

"I don't know if I could have done it," she said.

He walked over and started guiding her toward the cog door. "Someday you might have to. Go home, Gwen. Be grateful it's all over."

"Not for Tosh," she reminded him. "Or Ianto." She kissed him on the cheek as if to soften the blow. "Take care of him. Good night, Jack."

"Good night, Gwen."

As soon as she left, Owen came stomping up the stairs and grabbed his coat. He stopped in front of Jack, remarkably composed.

"I got him to shout at me some, let it out," he told Jack in a low voice. "But we already know he has a guilt complex a mile wide, and this is only going to make it worse."

"Wait, that was all an act?" Jack asked in surprise. Owen shrugged.

"Not really," he said. "I'm pissed as hell. But I'm also rational enough to realize it wasn't his fault—and know how much this is going to affect him."

"And the headache?"

Owen shrugged. "His brain is lit up like a Christmas tree—thousands of neurons are refiring after doing nothing for a week. I gave him something for the pain, a mild sedative, and an antiemetic. He needs to sleep it off, that's how the brain heals."

He continued toward the door until Jack called to him. "Thanks, Owen. Tosh is at the Dockside. I think she's waiting for you."

Owen turned slowly. "She doesn't deserve this, you know," he said, his voice hard yet sad. "She deserves so much more."

"Yes, she does," Jack agreed. "Which is why we don't give up on her. She's strong, she'll get through this—but we will get her memory back."

"Right." Owen nodded. "Keep an eye on him tonight, Jack. He's got a lot to work through, too."

"I will," Jack told him. "Good night, Owen."

Owen waved over his shoulder before he left. Jack went down to the medical bay, only to find it was empty. Suspecting Ianto had gone to the recovery room, he found the other man on the bed they had shared, his back to the doorway. Ianto's shoulders were shaking silently, but stopped as soon as Jack stepped into the room. He walked over to the bed and laid down behind Ianto, wrapping his arms around the Welshman as Ianto had done earlier.

"I'm sorry," Ianto whispered after several minutes of simply laying together in silence.

"For what?" Jack asked. "Stopping a time-twisting paradox and saving the world? There's nothing to apologize for."

Ianto did not reply right away. "How is Tosh?"

Jack thought about what to say. "She said to tell you things will be okay between you. That she doesn't hate you. She understands what happened and why."

"Doesn't make it right," Ianto murmured. "And it doesn't make it easier."

"No, it doesn't, but we'll get through this too." They were silent once more. "How's your head? Do you want to go home?" He hoped he could take Ianto home and stay with him, but he didn't want to presume. Ianto was not only dealing with the physical and emotional consequences of having his memories back, but with the fact that one of his closest friends did not.

Ianto turned around, his face drawn and haggard. "Getting better. Owen gave me lots of drugs and told me to sleep it off. But I probably shouldn't drive."

"Come on, I'll take you home." Jack sat up and pulled Ianto with him, then kissed him gently. "And I'll stay if you don't mind the company."

Ianto nodded. "I might not be up for a big reunion." There was a pause and a small smile. "At least not 'till morning."

Jack laughed as he stood up and offered Ianto a hand. "I think I can be patient a little longer."

They went upstairs, where Jack started shutting down the Hub as Ianto went to his station and pulled on his coat. When Jack came out of his office, Ianto was still standing by his desk, a distant look of sadness on his face that he tried to hide when Jack approached.

"Let's go," Jack said softly placing his hand at the small of Ianto's back in support. Ianto moved slowly, until he pulled Jack to a stop, gripping his hand tightly as he stared down at the floor. It seemed he wanted to say something, but was clearly having trouble expressing himself.

"Thank you," he finally said, his voice hoarse. "For everything you did this week, when I know it was hard for you too. You were…." He took a deep breath and met Jack's eyes. "A lot of the things I used to think…about this, about us…well, I don't know that I can keep thinking them anymore. Something feels different. And it's…" He blew out his breath with a soft laugh. "It is so strange, and so unexpected, but it's…well, it's good. I'm glad—not glad that I lost my memory for a week, of course, but glad it's back. That we…that we're back. If any of that makes sense." He shook his head, winced, then brought his other hand up to the back of Jack's head and pulled him forward, stopping before their lips met. "Thank you for not giving up on me."

"Never could," Jack replied, his voice catching. Their eyes met before they kissed, tentatively at first. Jack knew Ianto didn't feel well, but the Welshman kissed him fervently, and Jack gave in to his own feelings and kissed him back, pulling him close. He thought he knew what Ianto was trying to say without coming right out and saying it, and he was relieved the words remained unspoken. This was how they communicated best.

Ianto wrapped both arms around Jack's waist, under his coat, his hands moving and caressing. Jack in turn let his hands roam along Ianto's jaw and down his arms, around his back to hold Ianto tight. He wished they were already back at Ianto's flat, that they could tumble into bed, skin touching skin…which was when he remembered that Ianto was exhausted and upset and not feeling well. He needed to go home to rest, not satisfy Jack's desperate desire to reconnect physically. After one more kiss, he stepped away.

"We should go," he said.

"And continue this at home?" Ianto asked with a spark of his normal teasing.

"I know you don't feel well," Jack started, leading the way out, but Ianto interrupted him with a quiet laugh.

"My head feels much better," he said. "I don't know if it's the medication, or…" He shrugged, apparently embarrassed. "Or remembering you."

"I'll take the credit," Jack laughed. "Especially if we get to continue back at yours."

"It has been a while," Ianto replied thoughtfully. "Ten days is a long time."

"Yes, it is," Jack murmured, thinking of the long week behind them. "I'm just glad you remember." He meant it, and not because Ianto remembered their physical relationship. He missed being together, talking and laughing, eating and sleeping together, and simply enjoying the chance to be normal. It was something he hadn't realized was so important until it was gone, but now he knew. And like Ianto had said, something was different. It was strange, and unexpected, and more than a little scary, but it was good.

Jack took Ianto's hand and brought it to his lips, ignoring the look of surprise on the other man's face. "I'm glad you remember, because I will never forget you." It was overdramatic and completely soppy, but it was true. Jack knew what it was like to be forgotten, and he pledged to himself that he would never forget the people who meant so much to him. He would never forget Ianto Jones.

Not in a thousand years.

Author's Note:

The end! A quiet conclusion for a more introspective story. There may or may not be a short epilogue. Thank you for reading and for all the comments and reviews. It makes me so happy to know there are still people out there reading Torchwood fanfiction.