Despite the amount of time he'd convinced himself that he wasn't trying to be edgy anymore, there are just times where Virgil wants to stop existing.

Like now.

"You want us to what?"

Princey looked like he wanted to bounce in glee. "You heard me."

Mustering up the most deadpan, most dry, and most firm tone he can, Virgil repeated, "You want us," he pointed at himself and to the other, "to pretend to be a," he didn't even have to fake his disgust as he spat the word, "couple."

Roman nodded swiftly.

Virgil snapped his mouth shut. A fish out of water isn't a good look on him, but the words won't come. He inhaled for a moment, composing himself, and then repeated, "You want us to pretend to be a couple."

"That's right!"

"Um, why?"

Roman didn't hesitate. "You know my friend Logan, right? And how he's utterly smitten with lovely Patton? Well I was thinking that he could be incredibly dense at times. But with a little help, I think that those two would be incredible together!"

"And you don't think they will be able to reach that without you?"

"Of course!"

"You know, the sad part about this is I don't think you're joking."

"I'm not!"

"Well there's a few things wrong with that scenario." A full blown rant sat inside his mind, but he decided it just wasn't worth it.

"Come now, no need to make such a fuss. This is for a good cause!"

Virgil scoffed. "This should be good." He once again decided against asking, does this not sound inane to you? How would it even work?, on fear that Roman would think he was interested.

"I'm gonna need you to back up for a moment." He then enunciated the next words slowly, "You want us to pretend to be a couple to bring our friends together."

"That's the plan!"

"Great. Now that we have a basic sense of planning, I am now throwing away your insane daydreaming and tell you that that will not work in any way, including the fantasy realm you are unfortunate enough to conjure. See ya."

Virgil stuffed his hands inside his hoodie and walked quickly, fearing pursuit.

"Wait!"

Virgil ignored every reservation he had about exercise and sprinted, rather than being in the least associated with the raving lunatic.

It was no surprise, perhaps, when the acting prince chased him down without breaking into sweat, while his legs ached and begged him for reprieve. His pride wouldn't let up, however, so he continued to exert force with his power walk.

"Dear Sonic I will give you a ring, just wait!" The prince of theatrics called to him, while he struggled on not bumping into random pedestrians.

Much like a prey hunted relentlessly by a predator, something's gonna give.

Virgil weaved through crowds, but so did Roman.

Virgil huffed, and mentally reconsidered his stance on a healthy lifestyle.

At the sight of a local park bench, Virgil was done. He was not built for such chase. He sat down; relief pouring into aching joints, as he stubbornly ignored the man who sat next to him, undoubtedly pleased with himself.

Thankfully, Roman allowed him a few minutes of respite as he calmed his breath.

The world passed around them- people went their ways, leaves rustled in a sweet rhythm as wind flew through, while ripples made their way at the nearby pond.

"It's not gonna work."

Roman cocked his head. "You don't know that."

"I don't think I need to elaborate on how incredibly stupid your idea is. If your so-called matchmaking failed, what are we gonna do, pretend to be broken up? That would crush Patton! He's gonna think like it's his fault!"

"That's why we prevent them from ever falling out."

"That is emotional manipulation."

"Exactly!"

"I won't have any part of it."

"Virgil," Roman whined.

"No."

"But they're-"

"Good for each other?"

"I was going for practically perfect in every way, but I guess that works too."

"You're not gonna give up until I answer, aren't you?" Virgil crossed his arms and leaned back, the metal cold on his skin. "Okay, Prince Mediocre. Let's say I do want my da… Patton to stop moping around for his coffee crusader. What's the plan? Play dates?"

"That would work..."

With all his bravado, Virgil assumed the other had a more concrete plan. Why did he even bother? "Goodbye." Virgil snapped his headphones back into place, not even bothering to play any music.

Softer now, a little less enthusiastic, more frustrated, Roman said, "Three chances, all right? Give me three adventures to structure their budding romance, and if they fail to connect I will be forced to admit I could possibly maybe just a tad bit wrong, and you never have to see my face ever again. You could stop it at any time. How's that?"

Virgil gave him a sideways glare. "Desperate. Why do you even care about setting up your brianiac? He's an adult, he can figure out if there's some void from the missing part of his life and decide to do if there are things he must do!"

At his outburst, Roman shifted. Eyes downward and speech uncertain, he said, "He can be a little oblivious to emotions, even his. I know there's a chance for them to work, but only if there is a small push to the right direction!" He looked up with pure determination.

Virgil won't budge. "No."

"Why not?"

"We don't even know you guys. You're expecting me to just hand over my friend for your pet project?"

In the short time they've met, it was then for the first time where Roman found Virgil in his natural state- glaring like there's no tomorrow, eyes filled with so much disgust that it took some effort for the Prince to keep staring back. He wondered if there was something that made him that way; full of distrust and a lingering feeling of the capacity for malice.

"I get what you are saying. But your reluctance may cause them happiness for their lifetimes! How many times do you see your friend even be remotely interested in another person romantically? Would you deny them the opportunity to become-"

"Why do you even care so much about this?"

"Logan is a dear friend of mine-"

"I don't care if he's the freaking president of Pluto, tell me why."

"Why what?"

"Why should I trust you! Both of you?"

"Have I given any indication that you shouldn't otherwise?"

"I'm not letting you mess with Patton. And if you don't want your friend being banned from the shop until hell freezes over, you would stop coming by."

Roman asked innocently, "Which hell? I'm pretty sure Dante's has literal ice in it."

Roman was pretty sure Virgil face-palmed.

"That's not a good way to run a business. Would Patton be aware that you'd be turning away people in need of his shop?"

Virgil was getting tired of it. "This isn't a fairy tale, much as you want it to be, Princey. Things don't work out the way you want it to, and certainly, cute little plans don't always work out."

"I'm going now. Don't follow me." Virgil glared. He knew it wouldn't be the last time he'd see Roman. Annoying, but nothing he couldn't handle.

There was something he got out of the conversation, however. It was the fact, the knowledge, unrequited observation but still slammed into his mind: Roman wasn't the type to give up easily. And that... is the true horror.

"Don't move." Whispered directly behind him. Arms wrapped around his shoulders, gripping him tight.

Virgil froze. Silver pressed against his neck, and he swallowed unconsciously.

He knew he shouldn't have taken the back alley just to dissuade Roman. Damn it all.

"Hand over your wallet. Quickly."

Scratch whatever whining he had earlier. Now's the time to stop existing.

"Not so fast."

Roman, like the dick he is, appeared with a swagger.

Virgil groaned internally. Great, of course he has a stalker. How else would Roman know where he was?

"Leave him alone." Roman commanded.

The mugger behind him pressed the knife closer, not yet enough to break skin. "Try me."

"Do I have a say in this?" Virgil snapped.

The two ignored him.

It was a stalemate, but Virgil did not like being used. He was tired, his phone was dying, and he would really like to just snuggle away from the season's unpredictable weather. Just his luck that in today's toss coin of the cool or hot temperature, he had bet wrong.

For the most part, he was glad for Roman's distraction, because then he could escape.

He grabbed the arms in front of him and used his weight to throw off his captor, body tilting enough to throw the guy off his balance and for him to slip out of the grab.

Now, self-defense lessons have taught him to just jab the man with their own knife, but he wasn't that much of a dick, yet. He just wanted to nap, damn it.

Instead, he just kicked at the man's legs, and watched him fall to the ground.

"Sorry. I'm allergic to knives." He turned to leave, shrugging on his headphones, but the man was either, persistent, mad, or desperate. In any case, he didn't expect, nor see the knife that flew towards him.

Another body pressed at him- sending him to fall into the pavewalk. The pressure to his lungs and back sent his eyes blacking out. He groaned.

The pressure at his back went as soon as the weight lifted off.

As soon as the world stopped throbbing, Virgil sat up and stared.

Roman was busy, fighting off the man who had nothing to lose.

Roman was defensive, just trying to protect, and the man was relentless. He evaded.

Roman finally landed a punch to the other's stomach, which sent the man sprawling. After the mugger went down, he grabbed Virgil and ran.

He didn't resist.

Once they've made enough turns to lose their pursuer, Roman exploded. "That man was deranged! Why didn't you look back!" He fumed. He muttered something under his breath, along the lines of, always with the walking out!

Virgil didn't appreciate being scolded. Heat rose to his cheeks. "Well- that... He was on the ground! How was I supposed to know he could still move?"

"You're frustrating!"

Virgil clicked his tongue, breaths a mile a minute. "Yeah? Well, right back at you, Princey.

The devil you know, right? Still: Running. Why was it always running. Virgil noticed it was the same park they've run into earlier. He stumbled off to find a seat. "Exercise. Just great."

Relief flooded his limbs as he leaned back into the bench, hyper aware of the thudding inside his chest.

Roman panted beside him, taking too much liberty with his personal space. "Still. A little gratitude would be fine. I did take a hit for you."

Cute. Narcissistic and chivalrous. Perfect combination, considering the surname and all. "Well I didn't ask you to." Virgil took a peek at the panting guy beside him and saw the beginning of a bruise at the Prince's cheek. Virgil bit his lip, but could almost sense the disapproving stare from Patton. Fine. "Thanks."

Roman absolutely exploded into sunshine. Virgil wanted to hit him.

"Trust me now?" Roman was still too light, too happy. It was... frustratingly familiar.

"Well, considering that you have been stalking me for the worst part, and that's the first thing you ask after I've been threatened with a knife, I'm still gonna say no."

"I have good intentions!" Roman protested.

The petulant childishness and the absurdity of the situation just dawned on him. Virgil began to laugh.

"What's so funny?" A frown.

In between chokes, Virgil replied, "You."

In came offended Princey noises.

Just when he thought he could stop, Roman was still staring with that expression.

"Breathe, you dolt."

As if his body was purposely spiting him, Virgil clutched at his stomach, assaulted with pain.

He held his breath to stop the tremors. Still, "Who uses dolt?" He wheezed.

From straining his lungs from their marathon to this. He was a mess.

"Oh, did I break you? That easily?" Roman sighed loudly, but didn't bother to hide his amusement.

It took him a bit of an effort, but Virgil finally calmed.

"I was starting to think I should call an asylum." Roman teased.

Lighter and lighter, as seemed as he was with basically this... stranger, he snickered. "I'm starting to think that you're bad luck."

He looked outraged. "Me? I'm the one with bad luck? You're the one emulating Julius Caesar!"

"Sure," Virgil shrugged, like being compared to that dictator led to a happy ending. "And none of that happened when you weren't here."

"Destiny, then." Roman proclaimed. Proudly. It was sickening. "I was supposed to protect you."

Virgil snorted. "At least I found the one spot that could hurt you. Facts and reality."

"Oh, and I suppose paranoia and unfriendliness is better?"

"Unfriendliness?" Virgil weighed the word in his mouth. "I think general distaste for humanity is a little more apt."

Roman laughed. Too loud and too free, and yet, somehow it was music. Virgil wished he hadn't heard it.

"I don't think you've seen enough of humanity if you think everyone's about to get you." There are good people, too, his pause seemed to say.

"I just got almost stabbed today." He reminded him. "I don't think I'm in the position to think so lightly about humanity."

"Well, I did got my outfit crumpled to prevent that."

"See? Priorities. Add one thing that humanity is bad for: crumpling your outfit. Not violence in general."

Roman had that expression of someone trying to be angry. It didn't work. His eyes were crinkled. "I knew there was something residing under your dark clothes. Dark humor, yes. But I could appreciate."

"Hm." The doubt meme flashed in Virgil's mind. "I bet you talk to random animals. Then terrify children with random and unwarranted Disney trivia. In that order."

"Who doesn't like animals? I don't see why I can't have both."

Virgil rolled his shoulder as he stretched. "No objection to being a Disney fan, huh? At least I could say I relate."

Roman's face lit up. It was unfair, how he keeps trying to blind Virgil with all that. "Look at that, we have something in common against all odds? What's next, you're gonna admit you like musicals too?"

Virgil decided to act out the Fifth Amendment.

A calm silence descended towards them, both breaths evening out to the point of being inaudible.

Roman bumped shoulders with Virgil's. While foreign, he couldn't find it in him to protest.

Forgoing all his usual bravado, Roman mumbled, "I don't see how wanting to make two people happy makes me the bad guy here."

"I get it." Virgil said after a moment, as he swiped his hair up in contemplation. "Everyone's the protagonist of their own story. You, especially, think that." Virgil ignored the pout sent his way. "But you can't just... control* people and expect them to be happy about it."

Roman quietly absorbed the words. He knew he shouldn't push the issue, even when he knew that he knew there was a hint there- a truth between the lines. He was snapped out his mind as the other spoke once more;

"But I could, agree that you're maybe," Virgil's voice stubbornly drew to a whisper, "you're not as bad as I think."

Butterflies fluttered within Roman. A grin split his face.

Virgil waited with bated breath.

Like an idiot, Princey disturbed the calm with a loud tease of, "Aww, you love me."

"Not as much as you hope." He couldn't help but snicker in return.

Feeling bold, Roman held out a hand. "Enough to become friends?"

Virgil stared incredulously at the hand. "Dork." Yet without any more deliberation, he flicked his fingers on Roman's forehead. "Sure."

"Was that really necessary?"

"Was the hand really necessary?" Virgil said, in the same tone. "You're not campaigning."

"Maybe I am! Campaigning for your love!"

It was easy enough for Roman to detect the amusement hidden in his mismatched eyes, even if the expression with it was exasperated.

Roman flexed his fingers, and felt a small sting. "What now?"

"Well, I'm tired, assaulted, and stalked, not to mention badgered by the one and only annoying Prince-"

"You did mention it."

"-so I really should be going." Tired, sweaty and cold at the same time. Virgil wondered if he should've stayed home.

"Do you want me to-"

"I'll be fine." He straightened his clothes as much as possible, before waving silently to Roman. With a nod that said, *see ya, Virgil walked- with a pace that truly agrees with him, thank you very much- then heard his new friend call out-

"No pretending this time, but you're still helping me match-make our friends, right?!"

"..."

"I didn't hear a no!"

Virgil sighed and didn't look back. Stubborn, stubborn Princey.

A/N: This thing actually has readers now? I'm glad as heck. Also: you guys are NOT ready for the logicality date.