Naruto couldn't be sure that he hadn't always felt this way. It was hard to remember the last time he felt truly happy but then again, all those times felt like they were nothing more than dreams. There are a few things he knows without a doubt that anchor him to the world when he feels himself falling. His list has become a sort of mantra that he recites to himself when his thoughts become overwhelming:

No one cares about me My pain is my own I am alone

While this may not be the healthiest grounding strategy, that's exactly what it has become. It has become the first line of defence against depressive, invasive thoughts, followed closely by self-harm and when all else fails, a suicide attempt.

It was just an ordinary autumn day in Konoha. The leaves were changing colour and the city was shifting from a calming green to the warm colours of autumn. Most of the citizens loved the changing of the seasons but one citizen of Konoha felt that Autumn was the most beautiful of them all and that was Naruto.

'I love autumn, it's like the last heaving breath before your heart stops, everything is decaying yet there's so much colour. I wish I could still see them for what they truly are, rather than the greys they have become.'

"Look, its him..." Naruto heard the whispers that followed him everywhere. It's hard for him to understand what he could have possibly done to incite this level of hatred. In his 16 years of existence, he had never done anything to warrant the animosity he received every day. He wasn't sure how much longer he could continue dealing with this overwhelming sense of despair.

Sure, he was the vessel of the Kyuubi, but he was a loyal ninja to Konoha. He had never faltered in his devotion to the village despite the treatment he endured everyday. He honestly thought it would get better when he started getting acknowledge by the villagers but it didn't. He was praised in public but the tension of the most hard core villagers was as potent as ever. Its true what they say, some people never change. Naruto laughed to himself as a stray thought entered his mind 'they still cherish Sasuke, despite his betrayal and yet...' Naruto repeated his mantra to himself under his breath, so quiet no one else could hear him "No one cares about me, my pain is my own, I am alone..."

He repeated this saying numerous times until he reached the safety of his apartment. He had been so consumed by his thoughts that at some point on the journey home, he had be hit with something rather sharp on his shoulder. Naruto huffed a sigh as he noticed the blood seeping through the orange strips of his jacket. He removed the jacket and place it in his bathtub to soak. He grimaced as he noticed the speckles of blood on the inside of his sleeve. 'guess I was a bit hasty this morning, good thing I switched to the black jacket, the orange one would've been ruined by now.'

Naruto removed his mesh shirt and changed into his pyjama bottom. The soft green shorts did not irritate the still healing cuts on his legs which is why he favoured them so much. He still occasionally wore the matching black t-shirt but tonight he decided to let his upper body breathe. He surveyed himself in the mirror, noting how pale he had become, the numerous bruises that covered his skin and most of all, the still healing cuts that peppered his arms and torso. He had learnt a long time ago how to maximise his relief and minimise his discovery.

Naruto has been self-harming since he was six years old. It started pretty innocently, clenching his fists when he became overwhelmed which soon progressed into digging his nails into his palms. From there it was a steady decline including punching walls and pinching himself, allowing easily dodged attacks to land in vulnerable spots and finally cutting. He had learnt over the years that it was very easy to lie his way out of any inquiry, even as a child but now it was so easy to blame everything on a recent mission, even when it only involved finding missing pets. "what happened to your leg Naruto, you're limping" Kakashi would ask, "Oh nothing," Naruto would respond, "Just landed funny when I tackled that dog yesterday. I've really gotta be more careful" he would always end with his sheepish grin and no one ever questions him further. He didn't know whether to be upset that no one had noticed anything or relieved that his dirty little secret remained just that.

He wondered how Jiraiya didn't notice during their three-year adventure...

[Flashback]

"Wow kid, you have gotten so much stronger. I'm impressed." Jiraiya remarked as Naruto formed a perfect Rasengan, It had been over two and a half years of travelling and training. Naruto wished it could last forever and that he would never have to return to that hateful village and the friends he had failed. The only thing he missed about that village was his privacy. Being with Jiraiya all the time and even bathing with his master had made indulging in his little habit so much more difficult.

He had learnt to conceal the marks with a genjutsu for the times he had to remove his clothing but Jiraiya always had this look on his face that said something was off, but he couldn't quit place it. He never mentioned it outright, so Naruto felt pretty accomplished with his disguise.

There had been one incident where Naruto thought he was discovered for sure. This incident occurred just two months prior to returning to Konoha. It was the night Jirayah had decided to meet up with an old comrade of his while traveling through the land of rice. He had invited Naruto along as he always did and was surprised when Naruto turned down the invitation in favour of sleeping. He brushed his concerns off quickly as it was a rare occasion they stayed in a motel and he figured Naruto wanted to make the most of the facilities while he could. Something was nagging at Jiraiya the entire night so instead of staying out late, drinking and reminiscing, Jiraiya returned to the room shortly after sundown.

He found Naruto lying in a pool of blood on the kitchen floor, but he couldn't find any visible wound. Naruto had maintained his genjutsu despite hitting a vein in his arm and losing consciousness. Jiraiya looked around for a possible attacker or weapon and found only a kitchen knife lying on the ground. He looked on the bench and found carrots which were in the process of being chopped. Jiraiya didn't want to believe that anything sinister had happened and allowed his mind to deduce that Naruto must have been preparing a meal when the knife slipped and cut himself. It didn't explain why there was so much blood or why there was no wound, but he couldn't think of any other explanation.

Jiraiya sat beside the unconscious Naruto for 6 hours, slowly examining his arms and hands for signs of the injury. Something was nagging at the explanation his mind had conjured and he decided he couldn't trust his own judgement where Naruto was concerned. He began gathering nature energy which soon transformed his eyes, allowing him to see the genjutsu and dispel it from himself. He was mortified by what he saw but noted that the fresh wound had begun to stitch itself together with a red chakra thread. Jirayah began piecing the events together but decided Naruto was safe enough with the demon healing his injuries and that there was no reason to start that conversation while he was still doing ok.

Jiraiya allowed himself to be caught back in the genjutsu just as Naruto started stirring. A moment of panic flashed across his face before it was replaced with a perfected look of confusion. He asked groggily "What happened pervy sage?" Jiraiya responded "I was going to ask you the same thing. You were passed out in a pool of your own blood when I came back. Care to explain?" Naruto allowed his false confusion to linger a moment as he pretended to recall the events of last night "I was a bit hungry and we had some carrots, I was chopping them up, I guess the knife slipped ya know. Clumsy me." He lifted his wrist and looked at it carefully "Lucky for my quick healing, believe it!" Naruto smiled sheepishly. Jiraiya shook his head but allowed a smile in return. Naruto internally sighed, not knowing Jiraiya knew more than he was letting on.

[End Flashback]

"Do I look the same to everyone else?" Naruto asked as he stared at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. "I get that I am hated, but how has no one noticed that I am falling apart? Maybe no one would notice if I died. Heck, maybe there would throw a party in my hour, thanking me for finally ridding themselves of my presence" Naruto allowed his tears to fall silently as he gripped the side of the basin, staring into his lifeless eyes. To everyone else, he had bright blue eyes, but all he could see was a grey as cold as ice and just as lifeless. "Maybe it will work this time" Naruto mused as he turned and walked towards his bedroom, picking up his weapons pouch from where it lived in the dining room.

He made sure to turn off all the lights in his apartment and lock all the doors and windows. He may not care to live, but he didn't want to allow and disgruntled villagers to defile his body. Naruto removed a small envelope from the weapons pouch and placed it on his bedside table. He lovingly held the kunai in his had, wishing his tears could wash away the festering soul wound that was eating his alive. He knew it couldn't but he still wished it would. Instead he started repeating his mantra "No one cares about me, my pain is my own, I am alone..." this chant became a steady beat, in time with his pulse as he dragged the kunai from the based of his palm, up his wrist to the point where his forearm met his elbow. The blood started as a slow trickle, as if his body wanted to keep it inside before it began gushing down his arm and quickly pooling around him on his poor excuse for a mattress.

Naruto felt a smile tug on his lips, this was easily the deepest and most promising cut he had managed to make since that night Jiraiya had found him a few months ago. He felt a moment of guilt was over him as he remembered the worried glanced Jiraiya gave him after the incident but it quickly passed as the second message of his mantra beat in his head my pain is my own. 'that's right. This is my pain and mine alone. No one needs to know. Everyone will be fine, happy even. I will finally be free...' Naruto felt himself get lighter with each passing second. His body was no longer weighed down with hatred and sadness. He felt his head begin to spin as the room went dark. 'Finally...' Naruto thought as his world was enveloped by darkness.