Hello, everyone! And happy holidays - so wonderful that there are so many of them this time of year! Being a Christian, I celebrate the birth of Christ this time of year. But regardless of your religion, or whether or not you have a religion, I hope you all enjoy the feelings of joy and love this time of year! (And no school is certainly a nice bonus as well!)
So here's my schedule so far with FanFiction: I'll try to post a short story every holiday until I'm done with my non-fanfiction project and I can start on the storyline that you guys want most - if you haven't voted yet, please do! I only have five opinions so far, but I'd love to know what the rest of you would like me to do!
This is a story that ended up being longer than I thought it would, so I'm splitting it into perhaps three parts to make it easier to read. Like "When You Give Up," this little idea deals strongly with depression, with some mentions/thoughts of suicide. Guys... life is very difficult, especially where mental health is concerned. Writing is a form of therapy, I believe; it helps me to sort out what's going through my head and find healing. I'm publishing this on here in the hopes that maybe it'll help someone else, too. For those of you that feel sad during the holidays... I've felt that. I know how it feels to know I should be happy and yet be unable to reach that state. So this is for you - a story about the darkness of the mind, but also about healing. Each of you has unique potential; you are NOT worthless. I know it doesn't always help when people tell you that, but trust me when I say that it's true. Best of luck to you all.
ICE
They said he was a hero. They said he would save them all.
They said lots of things.
But they had been horribly wrong.
Link stood amidst the charred ruins of what once had been a little settlement. Tabantha Village, according to the Sheikah Slate. At least five structures still remained of the place where people once lived. Hearts beating, warm with life, aglow with possibility.
He shivered. It was always cold here, in the foothills of the mighty Hebra Mountains, buried year-round under a layer of thick snow… he'd learned enough about archaeology from travelling with the Princess so long ago to know that the bodies of those who once lived in Tabantha Village were probably still there, somewhere under the snow, preserved by the ice.
His feet crunched softly, sinking into the snow as he walked slowly forward, examining the little village's last little testaments of existence. There it was, with a fallen tree lying haphazardly across its dome-like head, mostly buried by snow. A guardian. Mostly decayed, of course, rendered brittle by the unrelenting ice.
This would not have happened… if I had done better.
His eyes closed; a stab of pain shot through his mind as the memory returned to him. A memory from barely a week ago, a memory of guilt and sorrow and regret.
Link hadn't intended to eavesdrop - he'd been kneeling before the altar in Tarrey Town, paying his respects to Hylia after checking in on Hudson and Rhondson. "It's a nice place, Hagie, don't get me wrong," he'd heard a middle-aged woman tell her husband. "But… after Hunnie took sick, and no one in town could help her…" She sighed heavily. "Do you think it's really a good idea to stay here, so far away from the rest of civilization?"
Hagie chuckled. "What makes you say that? I thought you enjoyed not having so many people around!"
"I - I thought I did! It's just that… I was wondering… what if something disastrous happens again? You know - the way it did a century ago. So many people died; people living way out here, without anyone to help, wouldn't have a chance!"
"Calamity Ganon is dead, darling," Hagie said gently. "The Princess fought him for a hundred years. And the Divine Beasts reawakened, and now Ganon is completely destroyed. We'll be safe here."
"I'm sure people living back then must have thought exactly the same thing," the woman scoffed. "And look what happened to them. How many people died? How many children? And all because - because the people who were supposed to protect us failed!"
"Ruli, that's a bit harsh -"
She heaved a sigh. "You're right. The Princess did come through in the end… she did fight for a century to save us." A moment of silence. And then… "If you ask me, it's because of that swordsman that they failed. The stories say that the Princess exerted every ounce of herself trying to unlock her power. And the Champions… they were all the mightiest of their race, and they possessed special powers as well. But that swordsman… what did he do?"
Link felt suddenly cold. He'd forgotten how to breath as he stared aimlessly into the eyes of the statue of Hylia.
Somewhere behind him, Ruli continued, "They say he drew the Master Sword. But what good is that? It's a blade, nothing more. 'The power to repel evil?' I don't think so. Any blade, wielded by someone with a good heart, has the 'power to repel evil,' doesn't it?"
"Ruli, I -"
"Let me finish!" She sounded breathless, as if at long last she was relieving herself of a weight bound to her shoulders. "My grandmother told me stories of that day, Hagie! You didn't see her pain as she recounted the loss of her parents and friends! For years I've asked myself why, why could such a thing happen, when the King and the Champions had a plan that eventually did work against Ganon?"
"But Ruli -"
"No. It was that knight; it had to be. The King chose wrong; he chose someone who just wasn't strong enough. And because of that, all of those people died. Just think, Hagie! I met someone once who had a portrait of the Champions - the 'Hylian Champion' was just some kid who hadn't hit his growth spurt yet. Of course he wouldn't stand a chance." Her voice took on a haughty, sneer-like quality. "But of course, he was chosen by the Master Sword. Sure, let's send a kid into battle along with the kingdom's most skilled warriors to defeat an eons-old threat just because he drew a special sword."
Link's heart thudded loudly in his ears. He shot to his feet and walked away from the Goddess statue, feeling stiff as a board. And inside… in his soul…
Cold. Pain. Guilt. Disappointment… in himself.
A week later, the Princess used the Sheikah Slate to warp herself, Purah, and Link to the Hebra Tower, hoping to scavenge one of Dinraal's scales to observe its effects upon ancient technology - could it be made into a weapon? A blade of fire, perhaps, like the one that Calamity Ganon had wielded?
Link had been brought along because, of the three of them, he'd travelled the Tabantha and Hebra regions more recently than either of them - Zelda hoped that he'd know the ideal place for finding Dinraal. But the dragon didn't appear until nightfall, which gave him plenty of time to take them to the best place he knew of, and so he found himself wandering down in the snow, stumbling into the ruins of Tabantha Village as Ruli's words echoed in his mind.
From the right angle, he reflected, squinting at the ruins, it might seem as if nothing bad had happened here. A few of the roofs were still intact, along with a some windows; icicles drooped down and snow drifted up, hiding much of the damaged areas from view. Link's heart burned - How many people would have lived if Ganon hadn't struck?
He shuddered.
How many would have lived if I had not been chosen? How many died because I… because I was the weak link in the mail shirt, because I wasn't strong enough fight alongside the other Champions?
He didn't remember much from back then. A hundred years was enough to dim anyone's memory; much of what remained to him were mere flashes, brief impressions of scent and sight. Looking back he did not know how exactly he'd played his part among them. Protected the Princess, of course, and harbored feelings of awe and admiration for the other Champions (along with secret feelings for the Princess) but… other than that…
Link felt the cold shrivel his soul just a bit. I was just a shield; nothing more. A living shield, someone without real purpose or skill. A shield that ultimately failed. I… didn't really matter in the long run.
And do I really matter now?
With a heavy sigh, a deep breath that fogged in the still air, he turned away from the ruins. A walk would clear his thoughts.
The world was silent; snow fell softly down from the heavens, cold, bathing the wilderness in a beautiful stillness. Somewhere the wind brushed across a snow-laden evergreen, sending snow tumbling to the ground - Link could hear it, so still was the afternoon.
The hill he climbed, at the base of a small ridge of black stone, sloped slightly upwards; his thighs burned and he welcomed the pain. It felt good… to hurt, to feel discomfort, to feel pain. He could not begin to explain why.
Curling his arms around himself as he reached the ridge's shadow, he trudged along beside it - northeast, from what he could tell. His eyes burned in the icy air; his breath steamed and his cheeks and nose were beginning to grow numb.
He thought about his past, musing over the various things he'd done. And it occurred to him that he really was nothing more than a sword. Yes, he killed the Blights within the Divine Beasts, but Revali, Mipha, Daruk, and Urbosa were the ones who piloted said beasts into battle. They possessed the true skill, the true spirit, to become one with the mechanical creatures and face Ganon. Those devices had weakened Ganon, distracted him, allowing Link to goad him into revealing his true form. By being nothing more than a sword.
And after he'd given everything he had, after Zelda had guided him to Ganon's weak spots, then Zelda herself had sealed the monster away for good. So… was I really necessary? Was I ever really necessary?
Ruli believed it was his fault that the plan had failed. Link strained his mind, trying to think, trying to remember - was she right?
He hadn't noticed his path along the edge of the ridge winding upwards, curling back around so that once more he faced Tabantha Village, now from an aerial view instead of from the ground. A ruined village. Ruined lives. Bodies that were, even now, probably still there, buried beneath the snows of a century. Bodies of mothers. Of fathers. Of children. Of friends.
His heart burned, and he turned away, turned once more to face the ridge. Swallowing tightly, breathing in heartless air that froze his lungs, he crunched nearer and began to climb. One thing I'm good at that isn't fighting.
It made sense. Looking back, thinking about the others… how could he have ever believed that he fit in with them?
Daruk was a ferocious warrior, loyal to a fault, and a steady leader. Urbosa, too, was a leader among her people. And she was wise; she could provide counsel just as well as she could fight a lynel. Mipha was a master of balancing the ferocity of a fighter and the kindness of a healer. And Revali… arrogant though he may have been, none could doubt his skills or his steely courage and determination in the face of a threat.
Link hauled himself over the edge of the ridge and refused to look back. Refused to see the emblems of his failure, black against the wintry wilderness. He started forward, west into the storm, over planes of snow and ice and black stone, his legs sinking deep into the drifts. The cold bit at his legs, like millions of tiny jagged knives rubbing against him, through his trousers just above his boots. His fingers, though cloaked in sturdy gloves, prickled and ached with the dawn of frostbitten numbness. He couldn't feel his nose anymore.
But he wouldn't turn back. He would not return to his Princess - not this time. What would she want with him, anyway? Compared to the other Champions… he was nothing.
Perhaps she blamed him, too.
Another stab of agony struck his heart. Memories of her… those were the strongest. Her strength, her determination, her endurance, even though her efforts went unanswered until the very end… what man wouldn't be head over heels for someone like that?
He'd tried to hide it; he remembered that much. Being in her presence made his throat close up and his cheeks burn and all rational thought abandon his mind. So he hadn't said a word to her whenever it was possible for him to remain silent.
A tear streaked down his cheek, burning a painful path through the cold. I thought it was too good to be true. I thought… perhaps there was a chance, since I'd become a Champion. I thought that… that because I was chosen, she might see me as… as something more. Something more than just… just me.
How wrong he'd been. He understood that now. His mind ached from the cold as he acknowledged the truth - he'd never been anything more than a simple knight. The King decided to give him a place with the Champions, and now at last he knew why: to give the people a symbol of hope. This boy drew the Master Sword. All is well; we have everything we need to defeat Ganon should he arise. The Master Sword is proof of that.
It would have worked, had they been successful the first time, Link thought. But we failed. I failed.
He trudged through the snow, footsteps crunching as he continued along a little naturally-formed path on the edge of a cliff. The wind rushed over him, sending daggers of icy cold straight to his heart, making the snowflakes dance and whirl in dizzying patterns all around him. Beautiful. Deadly, of course, yet still beautiful.
And in contrast… Goddesses above, he was a smudge - an imperfection marring the otherwise-perfect wilderness. He was nothing.
Worthless. Failure.
He wondered how long they would notice his absence. Would they even notice? Zelda and Purah had been deep in excited conversation when he left. She had her research; she had her friends. She had the Sheikah Slate and could warp to safety should the need arise. She doesn't need me. Perhaps she never did - perhaps it was because I was with her that she couldn't unlock her power. I wasn't meant to bear the Master Sword - the Goddesses didn't want me. That's why they wouldn't let her use her power in my presence. It can't be coincidence that the instant my soul was almost gone from this world was the moment she gained her power.
I should've died then. I should be dead now.
The little path was lonely and cold, taking him away from the cliffside and towards a river that had frozen over. In the distance, through the thick clouds, he could see a grove of snow-laden pines huddled together, serving only to emphasize the desolation on his side of the river. His heart ached; the cold air engulfed him in an empty, soulless embrace. The wilderness around him was a perfect reflection of how he felt inside. There only was one difference - the beautiful land had worth; it served a purpose, and though it took life, it also gave life.
I have no worth. And because of me, countless people have died.
He hiked onwards, his feet heavier with every step. The little path branched into two - a natural land bridge crossing over the river towards the forest on the other side, or up higher into the mountains, towards an old monster cave.
Link took the latter, approaching Hebra Falls and trekking up the steep hill running alongside. Again he felt the burn in his legs as he pushed himself higher, sliding on the ice; his foot caught on a hidden rocky protrusion and he stumbled, reaching a numb hand out to steady himself and falling face-first into the snow. With a groan, feeling ice and pain closing in around him, he pushed himself to his feet and brushed himself off. Head down, he continued onwards, eyeing the treacherous slope carefully lest it betray him again.
He didn't hear the lizalfos' bugle until his head poked over the edge of the slope. Instantly two lizals were charging him, eyes glowing an angry red. With a start he reached over his shoulder to draw the Master Sword - only to remember that he'd returned it to the Lost Woods shortly after Ganon's demise. No!
A shrill squawk sounded from behind him and he whirled to see that one of the lizals had circled around behind him, while the other hopped from side to side ahead of him.
Trapped.
Teeth clenched, Link snatched a short hunting knife from its sheath at his belt and lunged for the side of the cliff to his left - it wasn't tall; he scaled it quickly and ran. A third lizalfos joined the others; together the three of them darted after him, eyes glittering in the gloom, and he ran through the snow as fast as his feet could carry him. This isn't a fight I can win!
The blue lizalfos swiped at him from the side and he veered left, back towards the cliff - he was heading in a circle, back towards Hebra Falls, but he had little choice. He could hear the black lizalfos behind him, shouting garbled commands to the others, and the ice-breath lizalfos must have been somewhere behind him as well - it jumped at him suddenly from the right and he lost his footing on the snow, tumbling down on his side before scrambling franticly back to his feet, sprinting forwards.
And into the ice-breath lizalfos, now in front of him. It opened its mouth and he knew what was coming; with a gasp he dived out of the way and the burst of ice that shot forth hit the black lizalfos instead. Link rushed to his feet, nearly slipping once again as he darted forwards.
There was nowhere to go. Link stopped short, staring at the frozen river before him. Only a few feet to his left the ice-bound waters tumbled over the edge of the cliff; the river itself wasn't horribly wide - Perhaps I can cross -
With a growl the blue lizalfos struck out with its spear, striking the small of Link's back and knocking him onto the ice. Link grunted, sliding a few feet as fresh red-hot pain burned in his back, and then he went still as an ominous creak sounded beneath him, his mind catching up to what had happened. The blue lizalfos looked at him, wide-eyed; it was joined a moment later by the other two.
For a moment nothing happened; they waited, regarding each other in silence. And then with an earsplitting crack the ice gave way and Link barely had time to gasp before the water dragged him under. The current was hard and swift; though underwater he heard another terrible crack and saw the world tumbling around him as the ice binding the waterfall splintered.
And then he was underwater again, helpless as the mighty current tugged him onward. He couldn't think; everything was going suddenly mercilessly numb, his world dissolving into cold and fear. He could barely feel the burning of his lungs, desperate for air, as the water encased his body in heartless cold. With limbs swiftly turning to ice he thrashed weakly, struggling to make sense of the murk around him. A sudden sting on his face and he sucked in an instinctive gasp, inhaling a mouthful of frozen water along with the life-giving air and breaking into a bout of coughing that only drained his strength faster. The weight of his sodden clothes dragged him back underwater and he struggled, fighting to keep his head above water... Pain… blood… ice… cold… shore…
With fading cognizance, thoughts and images raced through his mind. Memories. Defending travellers. Beating back Ganon. Protecting the Princess. Taking no thought for his own safety in the defense of others. Moments in which he reached the brink of death but returned - returned to fight, to protect, one more day.
Moments like this.
Link refused to die. Though his blood was freezing in his veins, slowing his movements, he struck out towards the riverside. The current tugged him swiftly downstream as he swam clumsily nearer to the shore, carving a diagonal path through the burning water, until at last his grasping hands felt loose pebbles beneath them. Shuddering violently he crawled up onto the black stones, dragging himself free of the rivers deathly grasp. He could see the Sheikah Tower rising high in the distance, not very far; with a hoarse cough he shoved himself to his feet.
Blackness closed in on him and he felt himself falling, snow drifting, spinning, all around him as he floated into unconsciousness.