Geese Howard's Festivus Celebration

by

RobertCop3

So, recently I read a holiday fanfic written by illyrilex which centers around King's Thanksgiving with her family. It's called "Thanks for Nothing," and if you haven't read it, I suggest you do that.

Anyway, as I got to the end of it, an idea for a holiday fic of my own started to form in my mind. The holiday I have chosen is Festivus. If you need some background on what that is, go watch the Seinfeld episode "The Strike." Geese Howard doesn't seem like someone who would celebrate Christmas, anyway, so instead, he has decided to invite several familiar faces in the King of Fighters universe to help him celebrate the holiday "for the rest of us." Hope you enjoy it, and as always, feedback is welcome.

All characters are the property of SNK/Playmore. I don't own them or the video games.

The motorcycle pulled to a stop in the parking lot outside Geese Tower. Its rider, a man in a black, short-sleeved leather jacket whose face was concealed by the visor of his helmet, cast a quick look around. The lot was empty, the employees who formed the "legitimate" face of the Howard Commission having gone home at five. There was no night watchman, because one wasn't needed. Between Geese Howard's two faithful henchman, Billy Kane and Hein, anyone who tried to rob the King of South Town would be in for a very painful surprise.

If they were lucky, they'd just have to deal with those two, and not Geese himself, Kyo Kusanagi thought as he pulled off his helmet, couched it between the handlebars of his bike. He set the kickstand, pulled the key from the ignition, and cast another look at the empty lot. Once again, he was the first one here. Which felt normal. He was used to being the first, in a lot of things, not just the King of Fighters Tournament.

He ran a hand through his short, jet-black hair and dismounted his bike. He then pulled a small card from the pocket of his jacket, opened it and re-read the ornate script inside:

Geese Howard cordially invites you to dinner at his home on the 23rd of December

To celebrate the holiday of Festivus

Dinner will commence at 7:00 PM sharp. Please arrive a half hour early

For cocktails, appetizers, and socializing

The Airing of Grievances will immediately follow dinner, and after this, the Feats of Strength

Dress will be casual.

Kyo tucked the card away again and pondered its message. Part of him said this was a trap. He was not the only one to get an invitation. He already knew his old friends, Benimaru and Goro, had gotten one as well. Earlier today, Kyo had received a text from Terry Bogard saying that he, Andy, and Mai had each gotten one (and if Terry had an invitation it was a good bet Blue Mary would be here, too), and an hour ago he'd gotten another text from Athena Asamiya saying that similar invitations had shown up in the mail for her and Sie Kensou.

But if it was a trap, it was a damn elaborate one. Geese was inviting some very powerful and experienced fighters to dinner. Unless he had figured out how to both unseal the Orochi demon and control it (impossible, even for a man as ambitious as Geese), he would have a hell of a time subduing them all in a fight.

Kyo was brought out of his thoughts by the sound of a car approaching. It took the empty parking space next to his motorcycle, and out stepped his brothers-in-arms and fellow teammates (sometimes Japan, sometimes Hero): Benimaru Nikaido and Goro Daimon.

"You ditched us back there," Beni said. "We were supposed to be following you."

"Well, it's not like we don't know where Geese Tower is," Kyo said with a smirk as he walked over to them.

"Terry texted a few minutes ago," said Goro. "Blue Mary did get an invitation, just like ours, and apparently Kim and his disciples got one too."

"Strange," said Kyo. "Do you guys know what any of this means? Festivus? Airing of Grievances? Feats of Strength?"

"Don't have a clue," Beni said with a shake of his head. "Or why Geese would invite so many of the most familiar faces from KoF. Most of us don't like him."

"Indeed," said Goro. "Can't believe I'm saying this, but I'd rather be finishing the holiday shopping with the wife. I only came because it's Geese Howard, which means that it's obviously trouble."

Their conversation was interrupted by the loud rev of a motor. From off in the distance, they could see the headlight of another motorcycle, going way over the speed limit. A few seconds later, it screeched into the parking lot, and came to a stop on the other side of Kyo's bike. The air was filled with the smell of melted rubber and scorched asphalt.

The driver of the bike was not wearing a helmet, and Kyo recognized him instantly by his shock of bright red hair. The man's perpetually scowling face glanced over at Kyo and his friends, and the scowl became even deeper.

"What the fuck are you doing here, Kusanagi?" Iori Yagami snapped as he put the kickstand down and dismounted.

"I was invited," Kyo said in a crisp voice as he took out his invitation again and held it out for Iori's inspection. "Just like you probably were."

Iori reached into the pocket of his red jeans, pulled out a similar card, scrutinized them both, then nodded in satisfaction as he saw that the script on each one was similar. "Very well. I'll accept that. Just don't expect me to socialize."

"Fine with us," Kyo said as he pocketed his card.

Fortunately, the tension was broken a few seconds later by another car pulling into the parking lot. After the engine was turned off, the doors opened, and out stepped Terry Bogard, his brother Andy, their friend Joe Higashi, and Andy's girlfriend, Mai Shiranui.

The Bogards and Joe had obviously followed the invitation's instructions of casual clothing. Terry wore his usual ensemble of sleeveless red jacket, white T-shirt, blue jeans, and of course his omnipresent cap, while Andy wore blue jeans and a black T-shirt. Joe was dressed in gray slacks and a black V-neck with a white button-down. Mai, however, was wearing a strapless skintight dress made of red leather, with square-shaped cutouts running up both sides of it. The dress showed off an extremely ample amount of both cleavage and leg. She also had on an oversized yellow belt, made of the same leather as her dress, that hung loose around her slender waist, and a red leather choker around her long neck.

Iori, who was smoking a cigarette with his back to them, turned his head slightly at their arrival. "I see you can't read, Shiranui," he called to them.

"And what's that supposed to mean?" Mai asked, as she glomped onto Andy's arm while Andy looked like he wanted to be somewhere else.

"Well... he does have a point there, Mai," Kyo grudgingly admitted. "You know that the invitation said casual, right?"

"So what?" Mai asked as she ran her hand through her ponytail. "A woman should always look her best. Especially when she's been invited to a party."

"So, dressing like a prostitute is considered one's best now?" Goro asked as he regarded Mai's outfit with a scowl.

"Andy, he just insulted me," Mai said to her boyfriend. "Teach him a lesson."

"Do I gotta, Mai?" Andy Bogard said with a very audible sigh.

Fortunately, Terry was quick to change the subject. "So, does anyone know why we're here?" He asked those assembled.

"We have no idea," said Kyo. "We were hoping that one of you might know what Festivus is."

Terry and his old Fatal Fury teammates all shook their heads. "Sorry," he told Kyo. "It sounds familiar, for some reason, but I can't quite place where it comes from. But if Geese Howard is interested in it, then obviously I have to check it out. The burden of being a hero."

"Tell me about it," Kyo said with a weary sigh. Before anyone could say anything else, yet another motorcycle engine could be heard revving through the night towards them. A few moments later, a familiar cherry-red bike parked to the right of Iori's. Its rider was dressed in baggy blue jeans, heavy boots, red crop top, and green jacket. She doffed her helmet to reveal an even more familiar blond bob-cut.

Blue Mary Ryan shut off her ride and walked over to the group. "Gentlemen," she said to Kyo, Beni and Goro with a respectful bow of her head. "And Terry," she said to her Lone Wolf lover with a nod.

"Mary," Terry said as he returned the nod. "Looking lovely, as always."

"I don't do lovely," Mary said with a smirk. "Not my style." Then she noticed Mai's dress. "Speaking of style, or lack thereof, I see Mai can't read."

"Hey, if you've got it, flaunt it." Mai said, putting her hands on her hips and striking a pose. "Maybe you should try it sometime."

"Mai, 1994 just called," Mary retorted. "They want their dress back."

"Ah, you're just jealous because I can still rock a retro style," Mai fired back.

Mary pulled a quarter from her pocket and flipped it into the air in Mai's direction. "Catch."

The coin was spinning a little too high over the kunoichi's head, so Mai had to reach up to grab it. The motion of stretching her arm overhead caused her breasts to pop out of the dress. Even Iori couldn't resist turning his head at that.

Mai, however, was not even blushing as she tucked the twins back in. "Ooh, it's chilly out," she remarked.

"Mai, are you sure you don't want to change before dinner?" Andy asked her. "You have other dresses in the trunk."

"Yeah, but most of those are even more revealing than that one," Joe quipped.

Mary, having proven her point, ignored the argument that was starting between Andy and Mai, and turned back to Terry and the Japan Team. "So, does anyone have any idea what this is all about? I tried to do some research on Festivus, and all I could find is that it's a holiday that was the subject of an old episode of 'Seinfeld.' It seems to have actually taken off in the real world. I haven't been able to find any clues on why Geese would care about it, though."

"We'll find out soon enough, I guess," said Kyo. "Frankly, I like the idea of just waiting out here until everyone has arrived, so we have numbers on our side if it is a trap."

"I agree," said Terry.

"You know if trouble breaks out," Mary said to Terry. "I'll be there to protect you."

"Wouldn't want it any other way," Terry said, and kissed her forehead.

"Well, don't expect any teamwork from me," Iori called over to them. "If any shit goes down, it's every man for himself, as far as I'm concerned."

"Yeah, Yagami, we already knew you were an asshole, but thanks for the reminder," Beni snapped at him.

Iori dropped his cigarette onto the asphalt and crushed it under the sole of his shoe. "Just give me an excuse, pretty boy," he growled as he started towards them.

"Settle down," Kyo said. "We actually have a common enemy right now." Iori took another step forward, so Kyo raised his hand, a bright red flame springing to life in his palm. "I said settle down, Yagami."

Iori stopped in his advance, but he still shot Kyo a venomous glare, red eyes narrowed into slits. Finally, he sighed, turned his back once more, and lit another cigarette. "Whatever. Little blond bitch isn't worth the effort, anyway."

"Don't talk about Mary like that!" Beni snapped.

"How'd you like to learn what flying feels like, Nikaido?" Mary asked him coldly.

"Yeah, Beni, keep making remarks like that, and I'll stop defending you," Kyo warned.

Benimaru shrugged. "I don't need you to defend me."

A few minutes later, another car pulled up, this one a black Lamborghini Diablo. As soon as they saw it, everyone rightfully assumed that Robert Garcia had also gotten an invitation. And if he'd gotten one, then...

Sure enough, once the engine had been turned off, Garcia emerged from the car, along with Yuri Sakazaki, her brother Ryo, and King. The four waved to the rapidly growing queue and walked over to meet them.

Robert and Ryo greeted the Fatal Fury and Japan Teams with warriors' handshakes, while the founders of the Women Fighters Team (and their team member from two past tournaments) shared a group hug. Yuri made a face when she noticed what Mai was wearing. "Hey, Mai, 1994 called and they want their dress back," she said with a chuckle.

"Thank you!" Mary said.

"You're all just jealous that I'm rocking it," Mai scoffed at them. She looked a little disappointed that Yuri had actually paid attention to the invite, and was wearing jeans and a violet blouse, while King was dressed like she'd just come from work, as usual. "Maybe you all should have ignored the invitation."

"Well, at least we can reach over our heads," Mary remarked.

"Oh, did that happen again?" King shook her head. "Damn it, Mai, does anything in your wardrobe have straps?"

"I dunno," Mai answered. "Can you ever ask Ryo for his phone number?"

While Yuri, Mai and King argued, the other newcomers went into the same old conversation with everyone else, asking if they knew what Festivus was and being told that no one had any idea why Geese had invited them all here. By the time they finished their pleasantries, a slow whirring sound could be heard, getting louder as it approached them. A few moments later, a large searchlight shone down on them from above, and everyone assembled saw the source of the noise: a sleek black helicopter.

It landed on the very edge of the parking lot, several hundred feet from all of them, and after the rotor blades had powered down, three familiar faces emerged: one blond and wearing sunglasses despite the dark of night, another with his long brown hair tucked under a bandanna, and in between them, a young woman with her blue hair pulled back in a ponytail, her cold eyes flicking rapidly in every direction as they took in the details of the parking lot. They were also some of the few to ignore the invitation's instructions of casual dress, as they all wore heavy boots, camo-colored cargo pants, and tight black shirts.

"We're still missing five guests," said Leona Heidern when she and her Ikari team members got close enough to the others. "It would be prudent to wait until they get here before we enter."

"We already figured that out before you military stiffs showed up," Joe quipped.

"Watch who you're calling a stiff, Higashi," Clark Still said. "Or we may turn you into one."

"Um, Joe," said Andy. "If this is a trap, I think it's a good idea to have these guys on our side. It has been in the past."

"We're not on 'your side,' Bogard," said Leona. "But since Geese Howard is a legitimate threat to world safety, then we at least have the same enemy."

"How do you know how many people are coming?" Kyo asked the Ikaris.

"We've been gathering intel since the invitations showed up at our base and Commander Heidern gave us this mission," Ralf Jones explained.

"Which we were eager to accept," said Clark. "Any mission involving a free dinner is a mission I can get behind." He and Ralf then exchanged a high five behind Leona's back.

"Assuming this is actually a dinner," Leona reminded them, all business as usual. "Remember, we still haven't managed to ascertain a connection between the Howard Commission and this 'Festivus' we learned of from that childish 90s sitcom. We should be ready for anything."

"Well, I'm ready for food, if someone else is paying," Joe said.

"That's because you're a cheapskate," said Mai.

"A cheapskate who can reach over his head without embarrassing himself," Joe fired back.

"Who said I was embarrassed when my boobs came out?"

"God damn it, Mai..." Andy muttered.

"What exactly did you learn about Festivus?" Blue Mary asked Leona. "I couldn't find much that was useful."

Leona and her teammates then related to everyone else the plot synopsis of the Seinfeld episode "The Strike." But this only posed further questions.

"Geese's plans usually don't involve corny sitcoms," said Terry. "Is this just a cover for something even more sinister?"

"We definitely can't put that past Geese," said Goro. "But at the same time, this Airing of Grievances sounds like something he would enjoy subjecting us to."

"True," Kyo said. "But then why undertake the expense of making dinner for all of us?"

The group fell silent after this. And because the writer is afraid he may be getting Carpal Tunnel, the remaining guests all showed up at the same time: Athena Asamiya, Sie Kensou, Kim Kaphwan, Choi Bounge, and Chang Koehan.

"Um, you did know that dinner was being served, right, Kensou?" Beni asked when he saw that Sie was chomping on a meat bun.

"Yeah, but we don't know if they're serving meat buns," said Kensou. "So I had to get my fix."

"Couldn't you have at least finished it before we got here?" Athena asked with a roll of her eyes.

"How's your telepathy these days?" Kyo asked the Psycho Soldiers.

"Not as sharp as I'd like it to be," answered Athena. "But sharp enough, I think."

"Good," Kyo said with a nod. "We might need it when we're inside."

Kim Kaphwan bowed to Robert, Ryo, and the members of the Japan and Fatal Fury teams. "It's good to see you, my friends. I'm sorry it's not under better circumstances."

"I know what you mean," Robert said.

Leona raised a blue eyebrow at Kim's companions. "Do you feel it's prudent to bring two convicted criminals to a function where we know other criminals will be present?"

"I have faith in them," the Tae-Kwon-Do master said. "This dinner will be a true test of just how far they have come in their rehabilitation. Chang even shaved for the occasion."

Everyone looked over at Kim's students. Choi was perched on the shoulder of his hulking companion, as usual. Both of them were wearing off-white button-down shirts and black ties (though Choi still had has trademark battered fedora, and his leather glove with the knives sewn into the fingers), and Chang was indeed sporting a chin as smooth as the top of his head.

"Looks good on him," said Beni. "Bet the ladies love it, too."

"I'm impressed," said Yuri. "Was this his idea, Kim?"

"Actually, it was," Kim answered.

"It's an improvement," Mai agreed. "He looks like a real lady-killer now. But he won't kill me. My Andy is still cuter."

"Whatever," Chang grumbled. "I don't do 'cute.'"

"Everyone is here, now," said Leona. "So we should probably go in."

The others nodded in agreement, and started to walk towards the tower.

"Hurry up and finish that, Sie," Athena told Kensou. "How do you think it will look if you show up at a dinner party with food, and you didn't even bother to bring enough for everyone else?"

"I don't even know if they like meat buns," Kensou said, his mouth still full of the last bite.

"I don't eat meat," King offered helpfully.

"Don't think you're helping," said Yuri, who noticed Athena's scowl.

"You're the best friend I ever had," Athena muttered as she brushed crumbs off Kensou's collar. "But sometimes you drive me crazy."

She said 'best friend,' Kensou thought as Athena fiddled with his shirt. So I'm a friend, but still the best. That means there's a chance.

Finally, the group was out of the parking lot, walking across the marble courtyard in front of the towering skyscraper that bore Geese Howard's name on the front in neon letters twenty feet high.

"Think we'll need to knock him off his tower again?" Andy asked his brother.

"It has been over a month," said Terry.

"Master, should we have brought a bottle of wine or some other gift?" Chang asked Kim.

"The invitation didn't say BYOB," said Kim. "And I don't think Geese Howard needs gifts, but it's nice that you were thinking that. Something to remember if we ever get invited to another dinner."

"Speaking of dinner, I hope Geese was sincere about that," said Ryo. "I came hungry. What do you think they'll be serving?"

"The intel we've gathered suggests it will either be turkey, or some edible, meat-flavored substance in the shape of a loaf, served on a bed of lettuce," Leona said.

"Sounds tasty," King grumbled.

"Well, if they are... um... serving that... loaf thing... maybe we can... stop by Panera Bread afterwards?" Ryo offered. "Their tomato soup is always good."

"You mean... like a date?" King asked him, a slight tinge of red burning her cheeks.

"Umm... not really... I mean, it's just Panera," Ryo quickly added. "Not... what I'd call a date place."

"Sure it isn't," Yuri said with a giggle as she took Robert's hand in her own.

When they reached the entrance of the building, they found it unlocked. No one appeared to be waiting in ambush for them, at least not that they could sense. The only person they did see was a slim man with short dark hair, dressed in flawlessly-pressed black trousers, a frilled white shirt, beige vest, black tie, black jacket with tails, and white gloves standing in the center of the spotless lobby floor. He was polishing a pair of wire-rimmed glasses, but quickly slipped them back on as he saw the fighters entering the lobby.

"Good evening," the impeccably-dressed man spoke to them with a slight German accent. "I am Hein, Mr. Howard's butler. I shall be overseeing the festivities for the evening. I would like to thank each of you for coming. Before we proceed, may I take anyone's jacket?"

"You may try to take it," Blue Mary told him. "But you may end up with a broken wrist if you touch it. If you're lucky, that's the only thing I'll break." Terry tried not to laugh as he gave Mary a fist bump.

If Hein was rattled by those words, he did not show it. His neutral expression would have made even the greatest gamblers in the world a little jealous. "If you wish to wear your jackets upstairs, that's acceptable. You are the guests. I am merely here to serve."

"You'll forgive us if we're a little on edge," Kyo explained. "We know where we are, and we know what kind of man Geese Howard is. Frankly, we're a little suspicious of these invitations."

"Understandable," said Hein. "I can only assure you that Mr. Howard's dinner invitation is just that. He would like you all to dine with him in commemoration of the Festivus holiday."

"Bullshit!" Iori snapped. "Tell us what his real game is, fancy-pants, before we beat it out of you!"

"Can we take you anywhere, Yagami?" Beni said with a sigh.

"And just what does that mean, pretty-boy?" Iori growled.

"Iori," Leona said calmly. "This is not the time for bluster. Given our situation, staying calm and in control is the wisest course of action."

"Too true, Commander," Hein said with a curt nod.

Iori exhaled loudly, then pulled out another cigarette. Hein was about to say that there was no smoking in the tower, but decided against it.

"Guys." Athena had her head down, her brow creased in concentration. "I'm not sensing any mental auras except for everyone that we can see here. It doesn't seem like there's a trap waiting for us. I think we're safe to follow him."

Hein nodded curtly again. "Danke, Ms. Asamiya. If you'll all follow me, please." Hein turned smartly on his heel and started to walk towards the elevators, his polished black shoes clicking loudly against the checkerboard-tiled floor. After a few moments of awkward silence, everyone else began to follow him.

"We shall use the elevator reserved for the tower's staff," Hein said. "I apologize that it is not as nice as the others, but unlike the standard elevators, it will adequately fit all of us." They followed him past the regular elevators to a larger door set into the far wall. Hein took a key from his pocket, stuck it into its corresponding hole on the panel next to the door, and turned it. A few minutes later, the doors opened as the elevator came up to their floor.

Once everyone was inside, Hein used his key to shut the doors and then pressed the button for the twenty-second floor. It moved slowly, but Hein was right when he said that it had enough room for all of them.

After the elevator had arrived at the desired floor, Hein led them down a few hallways to a large set of double doors. The butler grasped the heavy brass knobs and pushed the doors open, revealing what appeared to be a banquet hall. A long, heavy oak table had been set with places for all of them, each place marked with a name tag. Aside from that, there was no decoration, other than Billy Kane's staff, which had been set by the far wall in an upright position with a few pieces of tinsel hanging off of it.

Geese Howard's other lackeys, Billy, Hopper, and Ripper, stood over by the bar, dressed in the same manner as Hein (though Billy still wore one of his trademark bandannas, and the other two wore their sunglasses). Billy and Ripper were carrying silver trays laden with what looked like appetizers, while Hopper was tending bar.

"Okay, just what is going on here?" Kyo asked Hein, saying what everyone else was still thinking. "Geese wouldn't have just invited us all to dinner like this. Not without an ulterior motive."

"For once, Kusanagi and I agree," grumbled Iori. "Quit jerking us off, Hein. What's your boss's game? What is this Festivus shit? Tell me before I grow tired of asking nicely." He raised his right hand, and a wisp of purple fire sprang to life on his fingertips.

"Watch it, Yagami," said Kyo.

Hein, however, did not appear impressed by the threat. He simply gestured towards the bar. "Mr. Howard will make his intentions known when he comes down to dinner. In the meantime, help yourselves to cocktails and Hors D'Oeuvres. I shall ring the bell when dinner is ready."

"And how do we know nothing here has been drugged or poisoned?" Blue Mary asked.

"Mr. Howard detests poison," Hein said with a yawn. "If he wanted to kill you, he'd prefer to do it personally in a hand to hand fight. I believe he said it's, ahem, more... fun that way."

"I think he's telling the truth," Athena offered to the others. "But he's a little hard to read."

The members of Team Ikari then made their way over to the bar. Leona opened some sort of field kit that was clipped to her belt, and took out what looked like a metal probe and a pocket-sized computer. She dipped one end of the probe into one of the bottles of liquor, while Clark looked over a readout on the computer. They then dipped the same probe into a few of the other bottles, each time studying the readouts.

Finally Clark said: "Everything looks clean."

"No toxins we can detect, other than the ethanol," said Leona. "So it's safe to drink. In moderation." She put the equipment back into the pouch at her belt and slapped her gloved hand on the bar. "I'll have a Jameson's and water," she told Hopper.

Ralf and Clark each ordered the same. The sight of the Ikaris ordering drinks seemed to put everyone else at ease, and they stepped towards the bar to place their own orders.

"Any chance you'd be willing to help out back here?" Ripper asked as he gave King the glass of Dom Perignon that she'd requested.

King shook her head as she accepted the drink. "It's my night off. I'm just here to relax and drink hella expensive champagne on someone else's dime. The day I help the Howard Commission will be the same day Andy gets to second base with Mai."

"Hey, it'll happen any day now," Mai said as she appeared next to King. "I've got a good feeling about tonight." Then she said to Ripper: "Gimme a Sex on the Beach, and hold the beach."

"Double sex, no beach, got it," Ripper said. Then he wondered what exactly "the beach" part of that recipe was. "King, can you at least tell me what 'the beach' is in this drink?" He asked the blond kickboxer.

"What did I just say?" King told him, then left to go talk to Ryo.

After thinking for a moment, Ripper decided to leave out the orange juice, and just add extra vodka and peach schnapps. Fortunately, Mai still seemed to like it. "This is perfect," she remarked after taking a sip. "Hey, Andy, you need to try this!"

"Do I gotta, Mai?" Andy grumbled. "I already have my drink."

Billy Kane was standing in front of Joe Higashi with his serving tray, clearly looking like he wanted to be somewhere else as Joe continued to grab pigs in a blanket off Billy's tray and stuff them into his mouth. "So, I haven't been able to see your sister in a while," Joe remarked. "Is the laundry business going okay?"

"None a'yer damn business, Higashi," Billy snarled.

"Hey, I'm just making conversation," said Joe. "But it looks like you're out of appetizers now, so... see ya." Joe stuffed the last one in his mouth and made his way towards the bar. Billy blew a sharp breath out through his nostrils, and was about to go to the kitchen for another tray, when Terry Bogard approached him.

"So, Billy," Terry said as he sipped at his bourbon and club soda. "What happened to your bo staff?"

"Ain't a staff tonight, Bogard," Billy told him, glad for the change of subject. "Tonight it's a Festivus pole."

"Okay," Terry said, nodding as if he were pretending to know what that meant.

"I know as much you all," Billy went on to say. "For the last month, the boss has been binge-watching 'Seinfeld' on Hulu. Then, a week ago, he gets this half-baked idea, and tells us that we're all gonna be dressing like Hein tonight and serving dinner. Whatever, right? It's his name on the building. Plus we get a Festivus bonus. Excuse me a sec, I need to reload..." With that, Billy turned and made his way towards the kitchen with his empty tray.

"Vodka martini, Mr. Garcia? Cosmopolitan, Ms. Sakazaki?"

"Um, thanks," Robert and Yuri each said as they took their cocktails off Hein's serving tray, a little disturbed that he somehow seemed to know their favorites.

"So, Hein," Robert said. "I've never actually had a butler. My parents did, but that lifestyle wasn't really for me. So I'm wondering... what is it you do?"

"I buttle, Mr. Garcia," Hein said simply.

"I knew that," said Yuri, though her expression told Hein she clearly didn't.

Hein took his glasses off and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "The butler is head of the kitchen and dining room. We keep everything tidy."

"I see," Robert said. "For some reason, I thought you guys did more than that."

"Wait a minute!" Yuri snapped. "Robbie, he's just quoting the movie 'Clue.'"

"I've never seen that movie," Hein said with a weary sigh.

"Okay, I need to look up butlers now." Yuri pulled out her smartphone and began to bring up the Wikipedia app.

"If you'll excuse me, I must make sure dinner will be ready on time." Hein nodded to them both, and then turned and made his way towards a swinging door on the other side of the large banquet hall.

"Kinda stiff, isn't he?" Robert asked his girlfriend.

"Maybe it's a German thing," Ryo said as he stepped up next to them, with a small plate of coconut-crusted shrimp. "Terry's told me plenty of times that Krauser was pretty stiff, too."

"Still, he's efficient," said Robert. "Maybe I should hire one like him!"

"Robbie!" Yuri punched him lightly on the arm.

"Just kidding, hon. It's more satisfying to clean your own messes."

"What do you think, commander?" Ralf asked as he walked up to Leona, who was staring at Billy Kane's staff like it was a magic eye drawing.

Leona scowled, and then took a sip of her whiskey and water. "From what I can see, it looks like a harmless decoration. But I need to be sure I'm not missing something. When the commander of a mission is careless, she can't be forgiven when her team members get hurt as a result."

"You gave it a pass with the infrared scope?"

Leona nodded. "Twice. Nothing."

"What about UV?"

"Also nothing."

"Sometimes a Festivus pole is just a Festivus pole, commander," Clark said as he joined his comrades.

"Well, it still bugs me that I haven't yet been able to figure out just how Billy makes this thing separate into sections," Leona said grudgingly. "But now that it's unattended..." She started to reach out a hand for it when she heard someone clear his throat behind her.

"Please don't touch the Festivus decorations," Hopper said, then held out his silver serving tray to the Ikaris. "Teriyaki meatball?"

"Might as well," Ralf and Clark both said with a shrug, and each speared one with a toothpick.

"So I have a question," Clark then asked their server. "You've never had any problems seeing indoors with your shades on, have you?"

"None," Hopper answered.

"But I'm sure you get jokes about it all the time."

"Yeah, all the time."

Clark shook his head. "It's a pain I know all too well..."

"Kindred spirit!" Both men said at the same time, then gave each other a high-five. Ralf and Leona stared at one another in confusion.

Billy Kane was now back in the banquet hall with another serving tray, this one full of mini spanakopita rolls. "Are these filled with meat?" Kensou asked him.

"Um... sure, kid," Billy said with a smirk. "Knock yerself out."

Kensou eagerly grabbed a few of them, bit into one... and made a face as his mouth was greeted with spinach, artichoke heart, cream cheese and garlic. "What gives?" The Psycho Soldier just barely managed to swallow the bite, and then immediately put all the rolls back on the tray, even the one he'd bitten into. "This isn't meat!"

"Yeah, an' you believed me!" Billy said with a laugh. "You should'a seen yer face, kid!"

"Mr. Kane!" Hein's crisp voice then snapped in Billy's ear, making the British fighter jump slightly. "Tonight we are being professional, remember?"

"I'm always professional, Hein," Billy grumbled. "Just not with this domestic shit!"

"Mr. Kane!"

"All right, fine. Domestic crap! Happy now?"

"Not at all. But I need to go inform Mr. Howard that the main course has just come out of the oven." With that, Hein walked crisply towards the large double doors that the guests had entered through.

"Sie, don't put something you've already eaten back on the tray!" Athena grumbled at him. "That's unsanitary! Remember what Chin-Sensei said about our best behavior? He's trusting us to represent the Psycho Soldiers tonight."

"Only because he couldn't be here since he's hung over," Kensou grumbled. "Besides, these things are gross. Who in their right mind would eat a roll full of spinach?"

"Ooh, spanakopita! Finally, something I can eat!" King walked up to the tray and helped herself to several of the rolls.

"You were saying?" Athena asked Kensou with a triumphant smirk.

Fortunately, Kensou was saved from making an excuse as he saw Hopper pass with the tray of meatballs. "Now this guy speaks my language!" He gulped down the last of his beer and started to follow Hopper.

"Having trouble keeping your date in line, Athena-chan?" Mai asked the pop star. The kunoichi was now on her second cocktail, another of Ripper's "Sex on the Beach Without the Beach" concoctions.

"Please, Mai," Athena said with a toss of her long violet hair. "If anyone needs to be kept in line, it's you. And I've told you, Kensou is NOT my date."

"Oh, don't tell me you've never fantasized about it, girl!" Mai said as she put her arm around Athena. "On cold nights, when you're alone in your room. I bet you've wondered what it would be like. I bet you even sat on your own hand until it fell asleep, and then you pretended it was his while you stroked your own..."

Athena blushed profusely as she shrugged off Mai's arm. "Mai, please! I'm not that kind of girl!"

"Not everyone is as sex-starved as you, Mai," King pointed out.

"Um... I am!" Billy offered.

"SHUT UP!" Athena, Mai, and King all shouted at Billy simultaneously.

A short time later, the door leading into the kitchen swung open, and a large serving cart was pushed in, laden with both a thirty-pound tom turkey, and a glazed ham. The cart was being pushed by a familiar face, who wore a white apron over his black slacks and form-fitting black shirt. The apron had a picture of a Christmas wreath, along with the caption WELL HUNG in large red and green lettering.

Blue Mary raised an eyebrow when she recognized the blond man wearing the apron. "Ryuji? What the hell are you doing here?"

"What's it look like, detective?" Ryuji Yamazaki said with a shrug. "I owed Geese a favor, and he called me this morning and said he needed my carving skills." He pulled his knife from its trusty belt sheath, twirled it expertly in his hand, and then plunged it up to the hilt in the turkey's breast. "And you know how I love to work with nice, soft flesh." He bared his canines as he pulled the knife out and stabbed it into the breast again.

"Mr. Yamazaki, what did we discuss?"

Yamazaki turned and saw Hein staring at him critically. He sighed as he pulled a two-pronged fork out of his belt as well, and started to slice through the joint of one of the drumsticks. "Carve the meat normally," he grumbled.

"Precisely," said Hein. "Remember, after dinner is over, there's another turkey in the kitchen for you to mutilate."

Yamazaki finished wheeling the tray over to the large buffet table that had been set up, and resumed carving the turkey like a civilized human. "Hey, Billy, where'd Geese dig that fruitcake butler up?" He called as he worked.

"Search me, Yamazaki," Billy called back. "For some reason, the boss finds him amusing, so he's a valuable asset."

Choi approached the carving table and nodded at Ryuji's knife. "That's a cute little toy you have there."

Ryuji stopped carving and scowled at the ex-convict. "You knockin' my blade, shorty?"

Choi shook his head. "That wasn't an insult." He then jabbed out suddenly with his gloved hand at Hopper, who was passing by with his tray. When Choi pulled the hand back, there was a meatball skewered on each of his finger blades. "Like I said, it's cute." As he walked away, he started to eat the appetizers off his glove's fingers, shish-kebab style.

Yamazaki stared in awe for a moment, then laughed and ran his tongue across his lower lip. "Oh, baby... I have got to get me one of those!"

"Looks like Geese has actually prepared something edible," Terry remarked to the members of the Japan team as they watched Yamazaki slice one half of the turkey breast off the carcass, then place it on a serving platter and start to slice it crosswise. Even Iori, who was standing off in a corner nursing his Bloody Mary and looking moody, raised an eyebrow with interest at the sight and smell of the meat.

"I'd still feel better if we knew for certain whether or not Geese was setting us up," Goro said.

"Yeah, why hasn't he shown up yet?" Kyo asked. "He's the host, isn't he?"

"Hey, Mary!" Beni called over to the detective. "Can we really trust that psycho with our food?"

"I resemble that remark, hairdo!" Yamazaki, who had overheard Beni's comment, shouted back.

Blue Mary walked over to the four, sipping her neon blue cocktail that shared her name. "Ryuji's nuts, but as long as he's getting paid, he's reliable. But heaven help you if someone else comes along and offers him more money. Though, if he does owe Geese Howard a favor, I think he'll behave."

A gong suddenly sounded over by the entrance to the banquet hall. All conversation stopped and all heads turned towards Hein, who was standing alongside the door.

"May I present the host for this evening's Festivus celebration?" Hein announced clearly. "Mr. Geese Howard!" He then grabbed the heavy brass knob in his gloved hand, and opened the door. Seconds later, the man himself came striding in...

ADDITIONAL NOTES

So a few random things: King is a vegetarian, which I would not have known had I not read Illyrilex's fanfic. And the reason people keep making that "1994" joke about Mai's dress is because it's supposed to be the same dress she wore in a scene in Fatal Fury: The Motion Picture, which came out in '94. If you're curious, there's a picture of it at Animefanservice. Just do a search on Fatal Fury: TMP, and it should be the thirteenth picture in the gallery that comes up.

Also, Hein was quoting "Clue," and if you've never seen that movie, why not? It's the only good movie based off a board game in existence.

And the word count is getting pretty high (you may have noticed me breaking the fourth wall earlier. Sorry, not sorry!), so I'm dividing this thing into chapters, to make it easier to read. What will happen next? Why does Geese want to celebrate Festivus with his enemies? Will Yamazaki continue to actually carve the turkey and ham like a decent human being? Will anyone get lucky tonight? Will Leona learn the secret to the "Festivus pole"? The answers to all those questions (except the last one) are a click away! Hope you're having fun so far! Up next: the real celebration begins!