Hello!

It has been a really sad day for me. Joe White is (was) such a special character in my heart. I don't know why I love this character so much (and Doris), but I do. I will be truly furious if one day, they kill off Doris, too. It's so weird considering the fact that none of these two characters showed up that much on the show. There was so much depth in these characters for me to discover, maybe that's why I love them both. So much.

So Joe's death really took a toll on me. Here I am, writing a story 7 hours after this episode was aired (I haven't even been able to download the ep yet, and the stream live link earlier was not too stable, so I missed a lot of parts in this ep, but I hope I capture the most important vibe). Earlier this afternoon, I typed exactly 2 lines in half an hour, doing nothing else. Just couldn't think. Can't believe I actually finished 5 pages now.

Too excited to post, so I post without sending this to Paula for proof-reading. Sorry if there are English mistakes. I should have polished this more.

Please leave a review. Just tell me you love(d) Joe White, too, as much as I do (did). It's so sad using past tense when it comes to Joe.

Mahalo for reading!

LOSS

Steve held Joe in his arms, held him tight. He didn't know how long time has passed by since Joe's last breath. All he could feel was the dull ache in his heart.

Reality hit him hard when Joe's body gradually became colder and colder. His body became a lot more rigid than before.

Nine years being out of the service, Steve became unfamiliar with this feeling. Losing someone during battle. Back in the day, it was very rare that they walked out of a mission with the whole team. There was always someone who was willing to sacrifice their lives to complete the mission. It was never easy to deal with the aftermath, but at least he sort of expected the loss. At least he had mentally prepared.

But today?

Steve lost two people. Cole, a brother-in-arms, someone who has survived so many missions together with him when they were both active.

And Joe White.

He lost Joe.

More than just a mentor, more than just an uncle. He was someone who has always been a second father to him.

Before this mission, Steve never thought that would be the last time he saw Joe. He tried to wrap his head around the current situation but couldn't really focus. A flash of memory sprung up to his mind – since the first time he called Joe "Uncle Joe", to the moment Joe took him to the mainland with him, changed the course of his life forever, to when he came back to his life again, lying to him, yet trying to protect him from all the "Shelbourne" stuff. There were so many times Steve had wished he could hate Joe for not telling him everything about his mom from the get-going, but the truth was, he could never truly hate him. After all, Joe was always the one Steve could count on during the hour of needs. Joe had saved his ass more times than he would like to remember.

After his life was ripped apart when he was 15, for a really long time, Steve had believed there was not anyone else who looked out for him, besides Joe White.

That changed the day Freddie, and then Catherine, stepped into his life.

And then, Steve realized in bitter, none of them actually stayed that long. Freddie left him – actually, it was him who left Freddie behind, for that matter, and Catherine stepped out of his life, more than just once. And now it's Joe's turn.

He lost everyone important in his life.

Finally, the 40-year-old version of Steve kicked in and realized this place was not safe enough to stay that long, and it was getting darker and darker. He tried to get himself together, wiped away all the trace of dried tears on his face. He was definitely not planning on leaving Joe's body behind.

Steve observed the unfamiliar surrounding area, trying to work up a plan, but none came to his mind, unfortunately. His instinct told him to keep going, so he helped Joe's body back on the horse, couldn't help thinking about the first time Joe took him out to teach him how to ride a horse. Joe loved horse riding. Every time he called Joe in the past, he could hear the sound from his horse. Joe always said a man should know how to ride a horse, and he always talked about how much he loved the feeling when he was on the back of the horse.

He released the other horse and guided it to run towards the opposite direction, and continued riding his horse for another five miles until he spotted a cave behind the trees. It was probably the perfect place to stay overnight while waiting for help.

The weather at night here was definitely a lot colder than the weather in Hawaii that he was used to, so Steve lighted up a fire after placing Joe to lie on the ground. He put his jacket on top of Joe. Even when he was fully aware of the fact that Joe has already passed away, he still wanted to keep him warm, even for just several hours. It didn't really make sense, but Steve felt like it was his responsibility to take great care of Joe's body. He kept his left hand on top of Joe's chest, secretly hoping that miracle could happen, and Joe could wake up anytime.

"Sleep well, Joe", he whispered, "I'm gonna get you home."

Steve took out his satellite phone, he was about to contact Five-0 but changed his mind. He pressed a series of number and waited for several seconds. She had given him her new number to contact her in the emergency the last time they caught up. He hated to admit to himself that it didn't take long for him to memorise her number after she gave it to him. He had tried to erase everything about her from his mind, and his heart, but if he was being honest to himself, he gotta admit it didn't work that way.

"Hello?"

Her voice always managed to cheer him up, under any circumstance. He didn't realize how much he had missed her voice until he actually heard it now. It instantly brought a smile into his face.

"Hey Cath."

Several seconds of complete silence. He could tell that she did not expect to hear his voice at all. He could hear the change in her breathing pattern.

"Hey Steve, what's wrong?"

Just one question from her and Steve totally broke down. It was the feeling when a person was so used to bottling up their emotions, yet the moment someone close to them shows concern and that person just completely lost it.

He started sniffing and could barely utter a word. He could never hide his vulnerable side in front of her. Even after what they had been through, she was still the only one person he could talk to about anything. Just like when she asked one question about Doris and Yao Fat, and he ended up telling her the whole story, yet had been keeping it close to his chest for so long when she wasn't there. He trusted his Five-0 team, but never felt that he could share details with them about his personal life.

His voice was hoarse, "It's Joe, Cath", he kept clearing his throat several times, trying desperately to say something, but nothing else came out.

All Catherine could hear was Steve's sniffing uncontrollably. Just like when he called her after getting back from North Korea. He lost two people in one day that day. She was afraid for Steve, her heart was broken into pieces for him, hearing the pain in his trembling voice.

"What happened?", Catherine rubbed her eyes, clutching her phone in her hands. She wasn't sure if she wanted to hear what actually happened.

"Joe couldn't make it. I...", he choked, didn't really know what else to say.

"I'm so sorry, Steve", the genuine concern in her voice traveled to his ears, made it a little easier for him to breathe. There was nothing she wanted more at that moment to be next to him, supporting him, protecting him, although she wasn't too sure if she still had the right to do such a thing. She looked up at the ceiling in her room, trying to blink the tears away. Random memories about Joe White flooded back to her. She remembered the knowing look Joe gave her whenever he saw her and Steve in the Academy in the early years. She was almost afraid that the old wise man could read her through and could see her feelings for Steve. She smiled through the tears in her eyes, thinking about the time when Steve had told her how Joe White thought of her, how much Joe encouraged Steve to ask her out.

"Steve", Catherine wanted to ask if Steve's okay, but she kicked herself for almost saying that out loud. Of course, he wasn't okay. Of all people, she knew how much Joe meant to Steve. So all she could say was his name.

"Can I ask for a favor?"

"Anything, Steve. You know that."

"Is the line secured? Are you in the States?"

"Yes, the line is secured. And yes, I'm currently in the mainland. Just wrapped up a mission and got back yesterday. I'm waiting for orders. Where are you? Are you safe?"

"Yes, I think so, for now. But they are out there looking for us. Can you come to get us?"

"Text me the coordination. I will be there as soon as I can."

"Thank you, Cath", his heart clenched at Catherine's answer. There was no hint of hesitation in her voice. Deep down inside, he knew she would do anything for him, but he was still afraid things changed now.

"Steve, I'm so sorry", she didn't know what else she could say to possibly make him feel better. She was grateful that he called her asking for help. "Hang in there."

Steve got off the phone with Catherine and texted their location to her. Her reply reached him within seconds, telling him her ETA and a simple "Be careful, Steve".

Catherine disconnected the call and immediately started calling people. She needed a helicopter, and someone to watch out for her when she got to Steve and Joe. She called Doris first, informing her of the sad news. Knowing the friendship between Doris and Joe, she knew for a fact that she would get some help from Doris.

There was only one single thought in Catherine's mind after getting off the phone with Doris – she had to get to Steve as soon as possible. Wiping out the tears in the corner of her eyes, Catherine couldn't even dare to start thinking about how Steve would cope with this.

Steve looked back, eyes glued at Joe's body. He realized he didn't know who else to call to break the news. Joe didn't have a family left, he got married three times but always got divorced afterward. Joe had always said that relationships didn't work out well for him, but he never stopped believing in love. Joe's only regret in life was he never had any child, Steve was the closest thing to a son to him. Joe had made a promise, to both Steve's parents, to keep an eye on Steve, but he did so much more than that. He was there for Steve, guiding him through difficulty in life, making Steve the man he became now.

Steve reached Joe's pocket and pulled out the picture of Joe and a younger woman. He smiled, Joe was always the kind of man who never gave up on anything, including love. It killed him to think about the scenario where he would have to tell this woman the bad news about Joe. That would be the first thing he's gonna do after getting Joe home.

Steve closed his eyes, feeling the tears were coming again. It was comforting somehow that he got to spend Joe's last day with him, fighting next to him, just like the old times. He never had the chance to be with his dad, even just for one day, before his dad was killed almost ten years ago.

"Joe, I'm sorry I never told you this, but I love you. So much. I wish you could hear it now."

The truth was Joe was there for him a lot longer than his dad was. It wasn't John's fault, he didn't try to blame his dad. As he grew older, he knew his dad checked up on him through Joe. But still, his dad was in his life for only 15 years, but Joe was there throughout his whole Navy career, looking out for him as a cool uncle, training him as an extremely tough mentor, keeping tabs of every single achievement he got in the Navy, saving his ass whenever he needed help – without asking anything back. Joe attended his graduation ceremony from Naval Academy when his dad couldn't make it, he took him out to the pub on his 21st birthday, teaching him how to drink and swear like a sailor. Even though there were some low points in their relationship, Steve still could never stop feeling grateful for Joe.

"You son of a bitch, how dare you leave me? What am I supposed to do from now on, huh, Joe?"

The cold wind snuck into the cave, gave Steve a shiver. He leaned over to tuck the jacket higher on Joe's body. He couldn't feel anything other than the ache in his heart, seeing Joe's face slowly turn pale.

He leaned against the cave behind him, thinking back about what Joe was trying to say the moment he drew his last breath, "Work things out with Catherine. She's the one. I know she is. And forgive your mother, she loves you".

Joe had spent his last breath, trying to look out for him. Still.

P.S: OMG I'm still so, so sad. The saddest death on the show. Seriously!

Also, I haven't actually thought about another chapter, depending on you guys' reactions, I guess. Happy reading :)