Hi all, I'm back with a new story. As you maybe able to tell from the title, there's a bit of angst but every Christmas story needs a happy ending so please give this story a chance! It is complete and fully posted.

I don't own Twilight or its characters; they belong to Stephanie Meyer. This is just what they got up to in my mind.

I stood on the all too familiar doorstep, fighting the urge to open the door and step inside, shout out a friendly hello and shuck my winter boots.

Instead, I took a deep breath in a vain attempt to calm the butterflies in my stomach, before I used a gloved hand to knock on the brightly painted red door.

The twinkle lights outlining the doorframe cast a warm welcoming glow as I hoped, really hoped, I'd receive the same warm welcome.

The festive wreath swung lightly as the door opened and a friendly face greeted me, eyebrows raised in surprise before she tried to hide her reaction.

She dropped the look of surprise from her face as she smiled at me. It wasn't her usual smile though. This one was full of sympathy and even more kindness than I was used to.

"Bella, dear, how lovely to see you." She sounded so genuine I felt bad for ever doubting her.

"Thank you, Mrs Cullen, I hope you don't mind me coming over. I just…"

"Nonsense. Come in the warm, Sweetheart, it's too cold to be stood on the doorstep."

She ushered me inside before I could object and kept chatting away to me, probably because if she didn't we'd be stood in an awkward silence.

"Now, what's all this 'Mrs Cullen' business? You call me Esme, just like before. Just because my son seems to have forgotten how wonderful and beautiful your soul is, doesn't mean you aren't welcome here."

The motherly figure stood in front of me glanced curiously at the bag I was holding before gesturing for my coat, indicating she wanted me to stay.

That wasn't my plan, I was just here for a quick drop off, I hadn't prepared myself to be welcomed inside. I wasn't planning on seeing anyone other than Esme, or maybe Carlisle. But now being here in the warm, familiar home, all I wanted was to bottle the feeling here and stay forever.

I swallowed a lump in my throat at her kind words before giving her a small smile. Seeing her again wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be, but it was way more painful. When I lost Edward I was heartbroken for the man I love, but the small part of me that also mourned the loss of his whole family was growing by the minute as I saw how everyone was gathered here for the festivities.

Edward's parents took me under their wing when mine put work and their love life above raising their own child, but I was okay because the Cullens' home had always been open to me. Maybe because Edward was the baby of the family, a good eight years younger than Alice, and ten years younger than Emmett, his parents had been relaxed about our relationship, allowing me to sleep over when we were both sixteen.

I'd seen his nieces and nephews grow from knobby kneed toddlers to precocious tweens and I'd cried with the whole family when Great-Grandma Cullen passed away at the ripe old age of one hundred.

I'd grown up with the whole family from the ages of thirteen to eighteen and stepping back inside their house made me physically shudder at the memory of the grief. The memory of Edward's words. The memory of my loss.

I swallowed down the emotions that were crawling up from my stomach and clawing at my throat, desperate to escape and make themselves heard. Instead, I concentrated on the soothing Christmas carols I could hear emanating from the living room, and the achingly familiar voices rising over the music, Emmett's loud laugh, Carlisle's rich-toned voice and Sophie's giggle.

"I wasn't going to stay. I brought these gifts before…when Edward and I…I didn't want the kids to miss out. I only came to drop them off. Can you pass them on, please?" I busied myself checking the contents of the bag as I spoke, looking anywhere but at Esme.

"No."

"No?" My heart sank back into my boots where it had been living for the last few weeks. "Oh. Okay. Sorry, I shouldn't have come…"

Esme rested her hand on my shoulder. "No, I meant you can give them out yourself. Edward isn't home but Emmett's in the living room with his brood and Alice will be here any minute. The kids would love to see you."

I nodded, relieved. "Okay, thanks."

I finally accepted I was going to stay for a few minutes and handed Esme my coat and gloves before stepping out of my boots. My feet sunk into the plush cream carpet as I wiggled my toes, snuggling into the comforting feeling.

The warmth in the house wrapped round me like a roaring fire of comfort. I knew the heating was on full blast and I was feeling hot already. At home I was used to layering up, I'd wear three or four tops to save on the heating, but here I was melting like the Christmas snowmen on my socks.

I closed my eyes to the feelings washing over me. What was I doing here? I was torturing myself by seeing the reality of what I was missing out on. The tantalizing smell of Esme's home cooking was wafting down the hallway to me and the laughter of small kids was ringing in the air. Frank Sinatra was crooning about having a merry little Christmas and voices were raised in chatter in the next room.

Walking down the achingly familiar corridor, I didn't need to survey the decor to know how the house would be decorated. The seven-foot Christmas tree, complete with the toilet-paper roll nutcracker Edward made when he was six, would be in the living room, to the left, in front of the bay window. The handmade, personalized stockings would be hung on the mantelpiece and the angel Esme had hand-knitted would be sat proudly on top of the tree, placed there by Dr Cullen to watch over the whole family's Christmas celebrations.

Unlike me. I wouldn't see any of their celebrations this year.

This family always went all out for Christmas. They decorated their house inside and out, brought all the traditional foods and every year, without fail, Esme started her famous Christmas fruitcake in early October. The presents were wrapped with coordinating paper and the family's Christmas card was posted to relatives near and far.

It was very different from my Christmases as an only child.

I never even had a stocking until that first Christmas with the Cullens. Edward's parents were surprised when he asked them if I could spend Christmas Day with them. They couldn't imagine why I wasn't spending it with my own parents. Once they knew about my flighty mother, who spent that Christmas shacked up with a lifeguard in Florida, and a Police Chief father who was on shift for the whole day, they gladly welcomed me.

My first ever Christmas stocking came that first year, when my dad dropped me off at 7am on his way to work and I walked into their living room to see my name hanging next to Edward's. That was one of the best Christmas presents I'd ever been given.

The Christmases I'd had with the Cullens the past few years had been the best I could remember. Maybe, when I was a child I'd had a few good years, the ones sandwiched between understanding what Christmas was all about, and my parents' divorce, were probably the best years, until I'd met Edward.

I took a second to close my eyes and absorb the atmosphere, hoping I could remember it tomorrow when I'd wake up alone in a shitty room with broken heating and only a crabby cat for company. The only thing worse than not spending Christmas with the Cullen's was spending it alone because my dad had to work.

This house, this family, was everything that was lacking from my own Christmas, past and present. I knew how rowdy Emmett would get at the dinner table when Carlisle took his time carving the turkey. I knew Jasper would volunteer to drive so Alice could drink her favorite mulled wine, and I knew little Peter would kick and scream if any stuffing came anywhere near his plate.

I wished I didn't know. I wished I would spend tomorrow witnessing all of that instead of having it play out in my dreams.

Dreams that turned to nightmares.

When I opened my eyes, another familiar friendly face was smiling at me. Dr Cullen walked down the corridor carrying a glass of something red and looking just as handsome as usual. I always thought I'd have no objections if Edward aged as well as his dad, but now that thought tortured me. Who would get to grow old with Edward now? Who would get to see his grey hair appear and see him in his element with his grandkids?

I stuck a smile on my face despite my internal torment and walked to greet Carlisle further up the hallway.

"Bella. Merry Christmas! I thought that was your voice I heard. It's so nice to see you."

He gave me a welcoming hug, smelling so much like his son I had to blink away tears that stung the backs of my eyelids, before I stood back and greeted him.

"It's nice to see you, too. I won't stay long…"

"Nonsense. Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without you," he started before faltering at his own words and realizing what he'd said. Glossing over the fact that Christmas would indeed continue unscathed without me, he carried on. "Here, this is for you, it's non-alcoholic because I know you're driving."

Carlisle passed me the glass before I could object.

"So, how are your parents? Is your mom still in Florida?" he asked politely.

"Umm, yeah, I think so."

Carlisle gave me a sympathetic look before I continued.

"I'm sure she's fine. I mean, she is, she's fine," I added, trying to sound like my mom was involved in my life, even though he knew the truth.

As far as I knew, everything was fine with her, but we hadn't had much contact recently, beyond the inevitable phone call about Christmas. The excuses had flowed freely from her as she told me all the reasons she used to justify Christmas in the sun over Christmas with her only child.

Carlisle's tight smile told me he remembered just how my mom was, but I sure as hell didn't want any more sympathy from him than I was already getting.

Thankfully, Esme joined us before I needed to say any more. She rested her hand on her husband's shoulder but addressed me.

"Sorry to steal him away, dear, but heavy snow is forecast and the skies are looking full of it. I need to borrow Carlisle to move the cars, just in case."

Carlisle rolled his eyes in a playful fashion. "Can't you grab Emmett? What's the point in having sons if they don't help with this sort of stuff?" he joked as Esme shushed him and ushered him away.

I continued down the hallway and approached the lounge room, hearing the volume of squeals and chatter rising with every footstep. I leaned my head around the doorframe and saw the decorations I knew would be there.

Christmas trees were one of my favorite parts of Christmas. They have such a history; so personal to each family, and they always had a tale to tell. Esme spent hours on December 1st each year decorating their tree like a shop display, symmetrical and color-coded, but with a few personal touches. The lights twinkled, catching my eye and mesmerizing me for a second. The Christmas music, the tree with sparkling lights, the taste of spiced oranges and cinnamon still lingering on my lips and the smell of freshly-baking cherry pie wafting down the hallway all culminated in a heady mix of family and Christmas. Two of my favorite things.

And two of the biggest things missing from my life right now.

From my hiding spot in the doorway, I felt out of place in this house now. Despite the warm welcome, I didn't belong now. Edward had decided that for me.

I had to fight all my instincts to drop the bag of presents and run. I was already regretting my decision to come here. I knew it would be a chance to say goodbye to Edward's family, but all it did is make me realize how much I didn't want to do that. I was just being reminded of the whole package I'd lost when Edward turned up on my doorstep unexpectedly six weeks ago.

We'd been high school sweethearts, navigating the shark infested waters of Forks High together.

Always together.

Edward was one year above me and when he graduated we were the couple voted most likely to marry.

He'd always wanted to study medicine. I understood. He'll make an amazing doctor. I helped him study for his exams, helped him prep for the college interviews, helped him pack and move to Chicago three months ago. Agreed to do the long distance thing. To make it work.

But somewhere between the late night phone calls and cancelled visits I lost him. Lost his interest. Lost his love.

He visited in person, six weeks ago, making me squeal in delight and throw my arms around him when he turned up unexpectedly on my doorstep one cold, dark, November day.

However, it wasn't the reunion I hoped for and things got a lot colder and darker for me after that.

He told me he couldn't do this anymore. Him and me. Us. Over.

I didn't hear much of what he said after that. Didn't remember him walking away. Didn't remember much of the following days, but I guessed he wanted to be a single college guy. And I wanted to crawl under a rock and never leave.

I had to face everyone at school who couldn't believe we'd fallen apart so soon. We were the couple who was meant to make it. Defy the odds. Get the happily ever after.

I sighed and shook my head from the painful memories and forced myself to creep further into the family's living room. The first person I saw was Emmett, his arm casually around his wife's waist as they watched their kids getting over excited and giddy on Christmas spirit. I stood on the fringes of this family and watched, trying not to acknowledge how this was likely to be the last time I'd see any of them.

Emmett turned his head and caught sight of me. He mumbled something to Rosalie before heading my way. Knowing I'd been spotted I placed my drink and bag down and walked further into the room, meeting Emmett halfway. However, he kept going and enveloped me in an unexpected hug. I was so surprised I definitely wasn't prepared for the feeling of being hugged again. The unmistakable smell of the Cullens enveloped me and if I closed my eyes for a few seconds I could remember what it was like to be hugged by Edward.

Emmett squeezed me a little tighter before he withdrew and held both my shoulders, lowering himself so he could look me in the eyes.

"Bells…Bells…" he shook my shoulders gently when my eyes didn't meet his, only continuing to talk when I finally met his intense gaze. "How are you?"

"Ummm, yeah…okay." I don't think my reply was very convincing.

"You know my little brother's a complete dipshit, right? Give him five minutes on his own to grow up and he'll realize he can't do any better than you. You always were too good for him. He'll see that one day."

I scoffed, that was little consolation right now.

"How is he?" My voice came out quieter and softer than I wanted, as if I was whispering a confession rather than asking a question. I hated myself for my weakness, but I needed to know.

Emmett released his hold on my shoulders and ran a hand over his jaw as he straightened up, towering over me once again. I tried not to notice the sympathy in his tone and the way he didn't quite make eye contact when he spoke.

"Honestly? I'm not sure. He's been quiet whenever I call him. He only arrived here a few hours ago and he's already disappeared off somewhere. Who knows where, it's Christmas Eve for Christ's sake and apparently he's got better places to be."

"I guess he still has a lot of friends in town," I answered lamely. We both knew Edward wouldn't be missing out on Christmas Eve with his family without a good reason, especially when he'd flown all the way from Chicago to spend the holidays with them.

"I couldn't believe it when he told me, Bells. He was always so crazy about you..."

As Emmett continued to talk I tuned out and shuddered at his choice of words.

Was.

He was crazy about me.

I knew that was true. There was a reason he hung around my locker for two weeks straight, asking me out every time he saw me. There was a reason he decked his pickup out with a blanket and butterfly twinkle lights for our trips to the drive-in. There was a reason he involved me in his family, intertwining my life with theirs.

But, there was also a reason he turned up on my doorstep six weeks and two days ago and finished our relationship.

"...dunno what that Chicago air is doing to his head because it seems to have made him lose his damn mind."

Emmett was still talking but his words just made me scoff. It wasn't the Chicago air that was getting to Edward. It was the Chicago girls. And alcohol and fresher's and the pressure to become a frat boy.

Before my thoughts could sink any lower and return to my nightmares where Edward was undressing another girl, whispering in her ear and pulling her close to his chest, a small child I'd missed a lot lately slammed into me and hugged my legs.

"Hey, Petey."

"Bella, Santa's coming tonight. Tonight!" He exclaimed with excitement overflowing from his little body.

"Sure is. I hope you've been a good boy since I last saw you?"

Peter nodded enthusiastically.

"I wants a Scalextric. Uncle Edward says he'll beat me at it but you won't let him will you?"

"I...I…" I had nothing. How did I explain to this kid that this might well be the last time I see him.

I wouldn't be here when he opened his presents. I wouldn't be watching Edward as he helped his nephew set up his new toy, watching the way his muscles strained in his t-shirt and his eyebrows furrowed as he tried to work out what to do next. I wouldn't be able to use my charms to persuade fiercely competitive Edward to throw the race. I wouldn't sit between Edward's legs, letting him hold the controller and teach me how to race, acting slightly dumber than I was just so he'd hold my hands that bit longer.

I turned back to Emmett who was looking just as lost for words as I was. "Emmett, I hope it's okay, I brought the kids some presents a while ago...before...and I didn't want them to go to waste so..."

"Hey, you hear that, Pete? Bella's bought you and your sister a present. Why don't you put them under the tree?" Emmett dived in, saving me from answering the six-year-old's question.

"Here. Merry Christmas." I handed Peter two of the presents as he thanked me and added them to the overflowing pile under the tree.

"Thanks," Emmett commented. "You didn't have to get them anything. I know it can't be easy for you...coming here…"

I'm pretty sure no one's love life always runs smoothly but I didn't really think Emmett was qualified to talk about how hard this was for me. He wasn't exactly a frequent visitor to Splitsville. He'd married Rosalie young and they were clearly made for each other. They'd never broken up, and had certainly never told each other they were in this for the long term, only to be dumped six weeks later.

"It's fine," I replied, unsuccessfully faking nonchalance. "It's not like I've actually seen him tonight."

I tried to keep my voice neutral, I shouldn't want to see him. I shouldn't want to torture myself like that, but if I was being honest, I'd used the kids' presents as an excuse. I could have posted them. Or left them on the doorstep, rung the bell and run. Or I could have gone to the library, Thursday at 11am for the local 'knit and natter' group where I knew Esme would be.

But I didn't.

I, stupidly, still wanted to see Edward. After all he'd said and done I still wanted to see him.

As I was, once again, mulling over my own misery, the house became even noisier as Alice, Jasper and their four kids arrived. The children immediately started running around with their cousins as Alice tried to pry coats and shoes off the moving targets.

Once things had calmed down slightly Alice greeted Emmett and me, not looking at all surprised to see me.

Alice, thankfully, didn't mention Edward, and we chatted in the easy way we'd become accustomed to. She told me about the kids' nativity play performances, and asked how my final year at school was going. I glossed over the part where her brother dumped me partway through the semester and I lost all focus on my studies and instead told her things were 'good' and 'fine' and 'okay' because that was the truth. I'd survive. I'd be okay in the end but right now, all these firsts without Edward, the best I could manage was fine.

After dishing out the remaining presents to Alice's brood I wondered how much longer I could pretend.

Pretend nothing had changed. Pretend I was still a part of this family. Pretend Edward was about to walk up behind me, run his hands along my waist and whisper in my ear, tickling me with his warm breath before he kissed the sensitive skin behind my ear in the way he knew I loved. The truth was, I loved any way he kissed me, but I shook those thoughts from my head, took a few more sips of my drink and a few steps backwards.

When I realized no one was watching me, I edged even further back before turning and leaving the room, unnoticed. As I did so, I was faced with the family photos spanning the length of the hallway. Many were of little Edward, Alice and Emmett, but it was the more recent ones that punched me in the gut.

I had deliberately not looked at any photos of Edward in about a month, which, believe me, was not easy with social media these days. That didn't mean I couldn't remember his angled jaw and dazzling smile, but it meant that looking at these pictures now brought a fresh pang of pain to my entire being.

It jolted through me like electricity through a cable.

I needed to go.

To get out of here.

Now.

Back down the corridor, I could see Esme by the front door, looking out of the frosted glass at the worsening weather, no doubt hoping for Edward's imminent return. I didn't want to face her, she'd be kind to me and if she was too nice, I'd breakdown.

Knowing that escape route was blocked, I stumbled into the kitchen, hoping to hide in there, alone, until I could leave out the front door.

Jesus! All I wanted to do was give a few kids some presents. I bet Santa Claus didn't have this much trouble, no wonder he waited until the household was asleep!

I ignored the rumble in my stomach when I smelt some festive pies cooking in the oven, and instead grabbed a fresh glass, knowing exactly what cupboard they were in. I filled it from the faucet, instinctively not turning it on too hard because I knew it would spray the splash back otherwise. Or maybe they'd had the tap fixed by now. I didn't know these details anymore.

I gulped down the cold water before slamming the glass onto the worktop with more force than was necessary. The cool drink hadn't helped calm my racing mind so I splashed some water on my face, taking in deep breaths, trying to calm my emotions and get myself under control so I could attempt to leave here with a tiny shred of dignity.

While I waited, I looked around the kitchen at the spot where Edward and I had baked cookies, smushing the flour in each other's faces and eating all the chocolate chips before they made it into the mix. I saw the apron I'd helped Edward pick out for Mother's Day, and the calendar hanging on the back of the door, displaying family events I'd never be a part of.

Yep. I definitely had to get out of here.

I looked around for a tea towel or napkin but, as usual, Esme's kitchen was spotless. Instead, I grabbed the bottom of my jumper and used that to dab at my forehead, trying to calm down my racing mind.

As I lowered my top, I heard footsteps, which stopped the other side of the kitchen island.

I knew those footsteps.

I'd know them anywhere. I knew them when they snuck down the hallway to my room the first ever night I stayed here, before we were allowed to share a room. I knew them when they turned up outside my house to tell me he'd been accepted to college and I knew them when he visited out of the blue a few weeks ago and told me we were over.

Thank you to RebAdams, my pre-reader and to M-Sparkle for the great banner. Please review, it really does encourage my writing, Koala Lou x