She Saved Me

Ziva reflects on becoming a mother and how Tali gave her purpose in her life. May 14 - 15, 2016

Ziva finished typing the last sentence in the document she was writing and clicked 'save.' She would read over the file in the morning and then copy it to the DVD of pictures, videos, scanned papers and her personal notes about the pregnancy, birth and first two years of Tali's life. All of this would be in the bag she packed for Tali when she sent the little girl to her Abba.

She hated that she would be separating from the toddler, but in her heart she knew that it would be the only way to ensure Tali's safety in the coming months. Ziva closed the laptop and headed to bed, figuring to at least rest before Tali woke around 0630.

"Ima," Tali poked a finger into her sleeping mother's shoulder. "IMA," she patted her Ima's face with her hand. "IMA! Ani raev!" she spoke yet again as her mother's eyes slowly opened. "Hun-gee!"

Zia slowly registered that Tali was trying to wake her. She opened an eye to see the little girl peering into her face. "Boker tov, motek." Ziva glanced at the clock on her nightstand; 0738. No wonder Tali was hungry!

Ziva sat up and swung her feet towards the floor. Tali reached over and touched the OSU logo on the shirt her Ima was wearing, "Abba."

"That is correct, Tali, Abba went to Ohio State. This was his shirt," Ziva nodded. "Where is Abba?"

"Dee-see, Meh-wi-ca" the toddler replied. "Tali love Abba. Ima love Abba."

Ziva pulled her daughter into a hug, "Let us get some breakfast, yaldati." Tali followed Ziva to the kitchen and climbed into her booster seat, ready to eat. Ziva poured milk into a cup and handed it to the toddler. She split the remaining strawberries into two bowls, one for Tali and one for herself. When Tali spied her favorite fruit, she reached for the bowl.

"Pweese, Ima!" Tali watched as her mother placed a bowl of berries in front of her. "Toda." She picked up several pieces and shoved them into her mouth. "Mmmm…"

Ziva warmed several of the small pancakes she had made a few days prior. She placed them on a plate for Tali and put the plate at the little girl's place at the table. Tali grinned at her Ima; pancakes were her favorite breakfast. She picked up strawberry pieces in one hand and a pancake in the other.

"You are all your Abba when it comes to food, little one," Ziva commented as she sat down with her bowl of strawberries and vanilla yogurt.

"Abba; Meh-wi-ca," Tali mumbled through a mouthful of food.

Mother and daughter finished their meal and Ziva cleaned up the kitchen while Tali played in the living room. Ziva finished in the kitchen and watched as her baby played with her board books and Kelev. Tali was "reading" the story to her stuffed dog. Ziva smiled and snapped a picture with her phone.

"Tali, would you like to watch a movie?" Ziva picked up the case for Cars and the case for Beauty and the Beast. She held them out for Tali to choose.

"Ken, Ima," Tali pointed to Cars. "Yes."

"Very good, Tali. Your English is definitely coming along." Ziva put the disc in the video player and started the movie for her little one. Once Tali was settled in, Ziva picked up her laptop and opened the document she had typed the past night.

Dearest Tony:

Where do I begin? I do not know how to tell you how much I regret sending you away in 2013, but you knew better than me that I needed to make this journey alone. You saw what I could not; that I am deserving of your love and that we are each other's everything. I wish I could have believed that back then. I needed to find myself again and believe that I was worthy of being loved, of being your wife, of loving you.

I found out that I was pregnant on my birthday, of all days. You can probably guess just how much that terrified me. I had already lost our first baby and blamed myself for all the hurt that caused to you. I realize now that pain was ours to share and grieve through together, and we did so until I sent you away. I debated informing you that I was carrying our child after the doctor confirmed the pregnancy, but the loss of our first baby weighed heavily on my mind. I did not want you to have to deal with that pain ever again. Every pain, every cramp, every time, I thought of that horrible night when my body could not keep our child within. I heard the words of the doctors from long before that night, when I was recovering physically from Somalia, "You will never have children." I truly believed that having a barren womb was my punishment for taking so many lives.

As the pregnancy progressed, I kept telling myself that you had moved on, that you would find the news of a child a disruption to your life in DC. You know how strong my inner demons were in 2013, and they reared their ugly heads to remind me that I did not deserve your love, to have a life with you. Some part of me wanted to share with you and have you there, so I did journal the entire time. That is in a separate file on the disc, as are the milestones in Tali's life to date. I hope the pictures and my journals will at least give you a glimpse into our daughter's first two years. I know that cannot make up for actually being there for that time.

Please know, my love, that there were so many times that I wished you were here, that you were by my side with our child, witnessing her firsts, and making a family. And then those mind demons would bully me into thinking that you did not want me, that I did not deserve you, and that I was not supposed to be loved. As Tali grew, her unconditional love reached to my very core. She loved me, not for who I had been, who I wanted to be, or who I thought I was supposed to be, but because I was her Ima. Simple, pure love from a child who depended on me for everything.

Tony, the part of you that you left with me, the child that was already forming inside me when you left, saved me from myself. As Tali grew, I had to get out of my head and into reality. Tali needed an Ima who was whole, who did not have inner demons torturing her. It has been a very long and difficult process, but I am finally able to say that yes, I deserve to be loved, to have a family, to love the man who means more to me than life itself. Most importantly, I have forgiven myself.

I know that there is still a lot more to tell you and to say to you, but I will save that for when we meet again. I know that having your almost two year old daughter suddenly thrust into your life will be a major life change for you, but I am confident that you will love our child as much as I love this little miracle that we created. She knows of you from pictures and stories. I have tried to teach her both English and Hebrew so that she can communicate with you when she gets there.

I know you, my dearest Tony, and I know you will not rest until you have answers. I am confident that you will indeed find me once again, for you are the one who completes me and your soul will be drawn to mine forever.

I love you, Anthony D. DiNozzo Jr. with every part of my being. Keep our baby safe until we can be together again as a family.

Ani ohevet otcha,

Ziva

Ziva finished reading over the document and saved it to the DVD disc with the all the pictures, videos and journals of the pregnancy and Tali's first two years of life. She slipped the disc into a sleeve and wrote the bank account numbers from the Tel Aviv bank and the coordinates of the flat in Paris on the paper. She slipped the disc into the liner of the bag with Tali's items to go to the United States later that evening.

She wiped away a tear as she moved next to Tali as the movie's final credits rolled. The rest of the day would be spent together as mother and daughter, with Ziva trying to engrave every detail, every memory of the day into her mind to carry her through what was to come. The uncertainty of the future was now knocking at the door; she could no longer deny that it was time to finally put the past in the past. Her life was about to upend, and her baby was about to have her whole world changed in an instant.

Ziva David had one last battle to fight and she was determined to come out the victor.

A/N Still working on the sequel to "Birth of a Child." I have the story outlined and I know how I want it to go, but the words just won't flow yet. I wrote this to try to help break the dam, and it is actually a bridge between "Tali's Second Year" and "Ziva's Journey" back to Tali and Tony in Paris in 2016. Both are currently WIPs. Thanks for bearing with me on this; I know many of you are awaiting the stories!