"S'ats how it happened," Jareth slurred, and he let out a mournful wail. "Ssshhe's proly all smelly and, and hates me."

The bouncer looked at Jareth in an appraising way.

So that explains the neon blue hot pants. he thought. A smirk began to cross his features, but he suppressed it.

The bartender looked Jareth straight in the eyes. "You're a bloody idiot, that's for certain."

He grabbed Jareth's glass and placed it in the nearest bin, ignoring his protests. "No, son, you're cut off. Why didn't you go after her?"

Jareth stared at him dumbfounded. The thought hadn't actually occurred to him. His mind had been muddled with pain and absent of any real plan, he had decided to brace his thoughts with a good gin. That was nearly an hour ago.

Now, he was good and drunk and had done nothing but whine, which was very unseemly. He blinked slowly, his alcohol addled thoughts coming together.

"Get your ass out of here and get your friends! Then, figure out how the hell those hamster goblins got in your pants. Simple enough!" The bartender wiped down the bar, hoping to edge Jareth out the door.

With speed that belied his drunkenness, Jareth slammed his hand down on the bar top. Slurring nearly every other word, Jareth shouted the first thing that came to mind.

"Iiii know whaaat I'll do! I'll go to thethe Bog, rescue Ssssarah, and ssshhhe'll be so grateful ssshhhe'll practic... practic... practicaally throw herself at me! Then, after sssome loving healing, we'll figure out how the hhhhell those hamssster goblins got in my pantsss. I'm brilliant!"

The bartender shook his head.

Jareth turned and fell off the stool. Picking himself up, he made his way to the exit. Pausing before the bouncer, he slapped the man on his muscled bicep. "You're a fffine friend, you muscular door man." And with that, he stumbled out the door to fulfill his plan.

The bartender and bouncer looked at each other, that moment forming a silent agreement to keep this one to themselves. No one would believe them anyway.

Meanwhile at the Bog of Eternal Stench, Sarah and friends were trying to get away from the smell, well all but Didymus he thought the air was sweet and fragrant.

"I'll kill him! I'll kill that bloody Fae bastard!" Sarah growled.

"Such language, my Lady." Didymus was shocked. "Its hardly befitting a Lady of your caliber."

"He dropped me at the Bog again!" She was pissed. "After I helped rid him of those stupid crotch hamsters, he does this."

The crotch hamsters were either dead or passed out from the smell. The bag no longer moved and had been abandoned by the side of the bog.

"Er, well...yes, he did, but he was under extreme duress, my lady. Perhaps we should give him the benefit of the doubt? He was looking forward to seeing you today." Sir Didymus started, only to let out a yelp as Hoggle stomped on his foot, giving the fox a glare. He smiled sheepishly as Sarah stilled.

"He...what?" She asked, turning another faint shade of pink like she had before when he'd used that special voice of his.

"Oh, yes...he was..." Sir Didymus started once more, ignoring Hoggle's attempts to shut him up when Ludo suddenly shouted.

"SMELL BAAAAAAD! We goooooooo!"

Sarah had to agree, as much as she wanted to hear this story about the how and why Jareth had weasled his way into joining them at her house. The trio hurried away, the bag of miscreants forgotten. She was right behind them.

Fifteen minutes later, Jareth stumbled through a portal nearby, briefly casting a hand over his mouth as he swayed drunkenly on his feet.

He gagged faintly at the smell, trying to hold in the contents of his stomach. "Fuck, fuck, I...oh...gods..."

He failed, forgetting how badly this place smelled, tripping over his own feet in a hurry to kneel and barf the contents of his stomach all over the forest floor. Moaning and rolling on his side, he blearily stared up at the sky and thanks the gods no one had seen him.

"S-Sarah? Hellllllloooooo?" He tried calling, both to find them and to see if anyone was around to help him stand.

Nearby, he heard a rustle and narrowed his eyes, crawling towards the sound. One of the troublesome creatures had found its way out of the sack, a noticeable bump on its head.

Snatching it up, Jareth screamed at the now pitiful creature. "YOU! YOU RUINED MY LIFE YOU...YOU...CROTCH KILLER! WHO DO YOU WORK FOR?"

The tiny little creature let out a pathetic scream but didn't budge, not uttering a word and simply glaring up at the Goblin King with a surprising amount of defiance.

"Why, you little..." Jareth snarled, wanting to shake fear into the little monster, when a low growl interrupted his interrogation.

Both blinked, looking over to their right.

There sat the biggest, ugliest, most pissed off cat in existence. Its ears were flat against its head as it hissed at Jareth, then slid its gaze towards the small rodent-like creature in Jareth's hand.

Another low growl tore from its lips and Jareth felt a distinctive wetness trail down his fingers and he almost dropped the creature in disgust.

Bored, the cat turned and noticed the bag and launched itself at the other not-so-lucky creatures.

Jareth blinked, filing away this little tidbit, deciding he should invest in guard cats so this whole crotch hamster debacle could be avoided in the future.

Jareth grinned at the little creature, giving him a feral grin. "Tellllllll me what I want to know or else...I give you to the cattttt."

His words slurred, so he didn't sound the most intimidating but the creature seemed to blanch, so he still achieved his desired effect.

"Oh please, no! Noooooo! I'll tell you anything you want to know!"

"Good," he hissed, tossing the pipsqueak into his shirt pocket. "And iffff you so much as snnnneeeeezzeee on me, youuuu won't answer to meeeee, you'll answer to...DUKE...FLUFFINGTON."

The creature trembled and didn't move after that.

Jareth turned and whistled for the cat, thinking it would follow. It simply stared at him with another bored expression.

"C'mere, kitty. Kitty, kitty, kitty..." Jareth tried coaxing it. When he crawled over to pick it up, it puffed up and hissed at him, making him stumble back a few steps.

Snapping his fingers and this time focusing his spell, he sent the hamster killer back home to Sarah's apartment, then began his wobbly walk out of the bog.

Two hours and several trials later, Jareth stood in the center of the Goblin City.

His hair was incredibly mussed and his shirt ripped in several places, but he was considerably much more sober. He stood there, pondering the unusual silence and absenceof his subjects, when he suddenly felt a sharp sting on his buttocks. Reaching behind him, he pulled the offending creature from his body.

"Gods blasted fireys! Go back to your forest before I change my mind!"

The firey head grinned lopsidedly, its tongue lolling out. "Hey man, you just need to chill. A little butt love-nip is good for the soul Goblin Man."

Jareth growled loudly, and threw the head as hard as he possibly could. He could hear it cursing as it sailed over the wall and into the Junk Heap.

He had no right clue as to how he had managed to wind up in the Firey's Forest after he left the Bog and not noticed he was being trailed by an errant Firey head, and could only attribute it to his drunken stupor.

He rubbed his forehead, a hangover induced headache already beginning to set in. Looking around, he still couldn't believe the city was so abandoned.

Jareth began walking again, heading straight up the stairs to his castle.

He'd get to the bottom of this disastrous day, if it was the last thing he'd do, but what he saw once he crossed the threshold to the throne room stopped him in his tracks.

His jaw dropped as he stared at what was happening.

There, on his throne, sat Sarah. She had his crop and was tapping it against her other hand as she directed the various regiments of of his army.

Many other goblins and fae were scattered throughout the room.

"Ludo, you'll stay here to continue interrogations with me. Someone has to know something about the pants. Since we're sure no one is in the Bog, Didymus, I want you to take the Cavalry Battalion and search the Firey's Forest and Enchanted Forest."

She then pointed at the dwarf with his crop. "Hoggle, you take the Field Battalion and search the Stone Maze and then the Hedge Maze. Order anyone at these locations to report back to the castle on threat of Bogging, and if they refuse tell them I'll deal with them. Personally."

A shudder ran through every being in the room at her pronouncement.

Jareth watched in awe as each regiment left in the command of Sarah's appointed "generals," eager to accomplish their task.

He had never been so simultaneously frightened of a woman's wrath and turned on by her commanding personality. He adjusted himself, the neon blue hot pants were becoming extremely uncomfortable the longer he watched the scene before him. Suddenly, the voice he had been listening in pleasure to yelled out over the din of marching feet.

"YOU!"

Jareth's eyes snapped up from the throng to look at Sarah's face. Her hand was raised and the crop pointed at him accusingly.

A shiver of simultaneous pleasure and terror ran down his spine.

She was NOT happy.

"Me..." Jareth warily started, determined not to take any steps back despite feeling the urge to as she surged from her throne, walking towards him and ramming the end of his crop into the center of his chest.

He stared, slack-jawed and with a large amount of respect and arousal, as her green eyes sparked and she launched into a tirade.

"You motherfu —" he didn't hear half of what she said, simply nodding, letting her rant for several seconds because it simply was the most amazing thing he'd ever witnessed in his life.

Snatching her wrist, he dragged her up against him and kissed her soundly.

Sarah tensed, freezing, but he noticed giddily she didn't pull away. She was even beginning to return it when a small wiggle distracted them from his shirt pocket.

"Ow! Stop! I can't breathe!" Came a pitiful cry.

Sarah stiffened and drew back and Jareth was pretty sure he was about to commit murder as he withdrew the creature from his shirt pocket.

Jareth glared daggers at the offending little creature held between his fingers. It balked in abject terror.

But not at him.

It's eyes were locked on Sarah. When Jareth's gaze traveled to her face he could feel the slight draining in his face as well. Her expression of icy contempt and rage almost made him pity the little guy.

Almost.

She yanked the hamsteresque goblin from his grasp and tossed it unceramoniously into Hoggle's hands.

"The Brownie dungeon. I'll be along shortly. Dismissed."

Ah. So that's where all the blood in his face went. He was so hypnotized by her easy authority that it took him a second to realize that they were now alone.

And that penetrating stare was now directed solely at him.

He froze.

She was already furious with him prior to the liberties he'd taken. Just how much pain had that bought him?

A blunt pain in his chest was answered by a sharp one in his back as she shoved him up against the wall. He opened his mouth to beg for, what he wasn't quite sure yet.

But never never got the chance.

She fisted her hands harshly in his hair and yanked him to her to devour him in a deliciously savage and angry kiss of her own. He was obsessed with her before.

Now, he was lost.

He pulled back for just a moment to try and get a word in, almost too excited to form sentences as her mouth dropped from his to his collar bones, her fingers jerking off his shirt in tight vicious jerks. He was pretty sure he hard a few buttons pop and go flying, licking his lips once more to try again. "Sarah, maybe we should…"

He hissed when her mouth found his nipples and pinched, then bit down.

A traitorous groan escaped his lips and he nearly slammed his head into the wall as she reached down boldly and cupped him through his pants.

"Shut up and fuck me," She hissed, pulling back a moment to give him a steady stare.

He didn't need a second invitation, hauling her back up against him to find her mouth with his as she savagely attacked his clothes ones more, loosening his pants and wrapping her fingers around him, pumping softly, while he did the same to hers.

Steadily, he shifted, gripping her hips and turning, and she dropped her ministrations to wrap her arms around his shoulders and fist her fingers in his hair while he positioned himself.

"Now," she hissed, and he thrust forward, seating himself inside her.

Together, they moved furiously, and it didn't take either of them very long to reach climax, both crying out as they took each other there. She felt wonderful as she orgasmed around him and he never wanted to leave.

Slumping against the wall, Jareth tried once more to form words, only for her to kiss his jaw and whisper in his ear. "The throne. Take me to the throne. Sit down, so I can take us there again."

He blinked, feeling his body responding, as he shuddered and cradled her close. "So soon?"

Sarah grinned, pulling back. "Are you complaining?"

The look she sent him had him fully ready once more and he grappled with her, tugging her towards the raised dais, only to sit back as she straddled him and fucked him within an inch of his life.

Some days, it was good to be King.

Sarah stepped out of the throne room buttuning her shorts and smoothing her hair out of her face.

"Which way was it again?"

A shuffling Goblin King appeared behind her limping slightly and leaned against the threshold.

His hair was a complete mess. His clothes, again, in utter shambles. He had the look in his eyes of a man completely exhausted and overrun.

"Tw-two rights, a left, then straight on down the stairs until you reach the bottom."

She nodded curtly at him, all business now.

"Alright. Let's so get some answers."

Swiftly she began waking down the hall. Owning every inch of her surroundings and leaving him behind.

Jareth looked after her for a bit before groaning in a mixture of pleasure and pain. He carefully pried himself away from the support of the door before slowly following. A hand on the wall the whole way.

"That woman is going to kill me" he whispered to himself. He was weary, a bit sore, and completely in love.

"Best. Assassination. Ever."

Sarah was still all business as they headed towards the dungeons, and she risked a look back at the Goblin King as they descended the stairs.

A faint snort escaped her lips as she seemed to bite back a grin, glancing over his clothes. "Shouldn't you change first? That doesn't exactly instill fear..."

She gestured to his clothes, which she had thoroughly destroyed.

His cheeks pinkened and he nodded, looking back up the stairs. "Go on, I have this handled."

"That's what I'm afraid of," he murmured with a small grin. "Is it wrong I'm still oddly turned on by that?"

Sarah gave him a death glare and he hurriedly marched up the stairs to his quarters, whistling faintly as he went. He was pretty sure he broke something earlier when she all but assaulted him but damn, what a way to go.

Down in the dungeon, things were a different matter.

Sarah was staring at the hamster with the fiercest expression the poor creature had ever seen, about to start railing on the gremlin, when a strange fae man with light brown hair came stumbling in the room, a look of horror and panic on his face.

"Oh my GODS! I heard, Your Majesty! I am SO SORRY! SHE MADE ME DO IT, I SWEAR! I -" He paused, blinking, shrinking back in fear as he saw Sarah turned sharply. "Wait, you're not Jareth..."

"No, I'm not. And you're really going to regret that," She responded, snapping Jareth's crop against her fingers.

The man gulped, his eyes widening.

As Jareth was making his way back towards the dungeon, he paused, hearing the high terrified shrieks of a man coming up from the stairs.

He blinked, stilling. "Shaun...?"

When Jareth's reached the bottom of the stairs he saw the strange sight of a rather indignant chicken running past him with half it's tail feathers. As he scamper up to the dungeon he saw why.

Shaun, the doe eyed curly haired shy sheep of a man was strapped to the stretching rank. But he wasn't being stretched.

He was being tickled.

At least six goblins were scurrying around him with feather dusters, offering no reprieve from the harmless but effective torment.

Jareth quickly found himself doubled over laughing.

Sarah had a dungeon full of tortue devices and she decided to tickle the information out of him.

He was falling more and more in love with this woman by the minute.

Hearing the King's laughter, the goblins stopped tickling Shaun. "Kingy okay?" One goblin asked.

"Yeah, we no tickles him." Another commented.

Seeing the King still laughing, they rushed over to him with feathers in hand.

"Maybe if we tickles, he be okay!" A third goblin shouted before they started attacking the King with the feathers.

Sarah walked back into the room from the side cell, Hoggle and Sir Didymus in tow with the hamster in tiny chains and cuffs, it's head hanging low.

They blinked, watching Jareth dart around the room them jump on a crate and kick at the goblins. "Stop it, you fools! Why is my royal dresser here? What's the meaning of this?!"

"They're here because he..." Sarah began, snapping her fingers and getting the attention of the goblins, who promptly stopped at seeing Sarah's stern glare, shrugging in unison and leaving the dungeon to find more unsuspecting denizens to tickle-torture, "is partially responsible for your pants dilemma. It seems this creature's master...Miss... what was it?"

She tapped the small hamster-like creature, who muttered something under his breath and Sarah rolled her eyes, looking back at Jareth.

"Something about orange and fuchsia being a thing? She's the one who made the pants, hid the creatures and planned your demise. So, Goblin King, what's your verdict? What do you want to do?"

Sarah smirked, handing over his crop as Jareth stood there, slack-jawed.

She had managed to give him the best lay of his life AND solve the mystery of the pants - all before dinner?

I'm marrying this woman, he thought to himself as he took the crop and straightened to his full height, looking over at Shaun who was positively cowering under Jareth's glare.

Shaun began pleading with the King. "Please, your majesty. She made me do it. I wanted to warn you but she threathened to kill me. I beg you, have mercy!"

Jareth glared at him. "Mercy? Do you have any idea the discomfort and pain I've had to deal with a the hands of those vile creatures?" He circled Shaun. "I'm actually considering locking you in a room with them. Let them nibble on your privates for a while."

"No majesty!" Shaun wailed.

"Then tell me where to find your mistress." Jareth demanded.

It was fairly quick work to find and jail the witch Ebenezera, and Jareth might have purposefully took a detour through the Goblin City as they brought her back for a trial, a smug look on his face as he watched the goblins throw food and pieces of garbage harmlessly at the angry little woman, ruining her "fashionable" dress - fashionable being a debatable term.

"You'll face my wrath again, Goblin King!" She shrieked from her cell once she was placed behind bars.

Jareth tapped his chin for a moment, tipping his head to the side as he pretended to think. "Nah," he grinned, laughing as he heard her indignant screams as he left the room.

Looking over at Sir Didymus, he handed him the key. "Make sure she receives proper care before her trial. I leave her in your capable hands, Knight. Check in with me tomorrow on the progress of the Zumba training. For now, I have a date."

Grinning, he strode from the room, ignoring Hoggle's glower.

Briefly, he paused, catching sight of Shaun still tied to the wrack. "And you...you will outfit the entire Zumba army to salute Sarah on her work well done. I want the uniforms ready before the end of the week. Fail to do this and, well..."

He shrugged noncommittally, smirking when he heard the fae's fumbled replies and rapid nodding. Snapping his fingers, he let the goblins untie and escort him under guard to his rooms.

Whistling faintly, he slowly made his way towards his rooms, where Sarah was waiting.

Briefly, he felt his nerves get the better of him.

What if she said no again? Wiping a hand across his brow, he ducked inside before he chickened out.

He found Sarah sitting on his bed flipping through a book she had found on one of his shelves.

"Precious..." he called out as he approached her cautiously.

Looking up, she smiled. "So did you deal with the witch?"

"Yes, she and her horried crotch hamsters will never bother the crown jewels again." He smirked. "Did you find something interesting to read?" He tried to look at the book, but she hid it behind her back.

"Very interesting." She grinned. "So do you really refer to your self as the illustrious Smexy Goblin King who makes men cowar in fear and woman's panties hit the floor?"

Jareth froze and his whole face turned white and then red. "Sarah. What. Are. You. Reading?"

"I believe it's your diary. Sorry I mean your journal." She smirked.

Seeing the look of mortification spread over Jareth's speechless face must have made her decide to take it easy on him because she finally shrugged and tossed the journal over her shoulder.

"Eh, I guess it's not *totally* false..." She grinned faintly at him, patting the side of the bed. "I mean, I *did* lose mine earlier..."

Did he seriously just hear her correctly? Nervously, he sat down beside her and struggled to figure out what to say.

I love you? I don't deserve you? You're fantastic in bed? Marry me? Rule with me? I'll move the stars for you?

Finally, he settled with - "Um, so. Do you...would you...like to go on a date sometime?"

Sarah looked at Jareth, one eyebrow crooked, an incredulous smile on her lips.

"I think we may have moved past a simple 'date' a little earlier today..."

Jareth's mouth opened and closed in a series of fish impressions while he struggled, once again, to find the right words. They never came though, as Sarah began to speak again.

"I think..." and then, she grabbed the front of Jareth's shirt, the silk smooth and cool in her hands, "we make a dynamic couple..." she brought her face close to his, her lips brushing gently against his, "don't you agree?"

Jareth circled his arms around her waist, drawing her body closer to his. He kissed her deeply, letting his lips communicate everything his voice could not.

When they finally pulled away, he met Sarah's gaze and saw his own love and affection mirrored there.

After a moment, a mischievous glint flickered through her eyes. "I'd like to stick around with you a while longer. Besides, who else is going to protect the Illustrious, Smexy Goblin King's royal package?"

She laughed, and soon enough Jareth's chuckle joined hers. They spent the rest of the night in each other's arms.

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