Disclaimer: I don't own Worm or anything else that pops up, I just like mucking about in other people's sandboxes. Worm is a self-published web serial by John C. "Wildbow" McCrae.
Warning: M18 — There will be very mature language and definitely violence to the extreme, because this is a Worm fanfic, so do not read unless you are of age. Mentions of sexual themes. I don't mean there will be lemons, there are rules against that at the places I like to read and am posting, but dirty talk is a thing people.
God knows I talked a lot about such things back in highschool, let alone the, er... things I actually did. I'd like to think that most adults understand teenagers do, in fact, experiment.
Trigger Warning: SUICIDE. Sorry. DO NOT READ if you're troubled by dark themes. Please don't. Okay? This is just another one of many other stories out there, and it isn't worth putting yourself through any kind of emotional pain, m'kay?
Choose Your Own Adventure stuffs~
Mixed options from a couple of em', because... why not?
"Talking"
Emphasis
'Thoughts'
*Sound Effects*
Chapter One: Hurts Like Hell
.
.
.
A mischievous grin crossed glossy red lips.
"Poke~"
"Eeep!"
Bright laughter escaped those lips as her friend whirled around.
"Dammit Alexis!" Julie cursed, her own lips twitching with barely suppressed mirth. "Cut that out!"
Lexi's laughter trailed off as she skipped up next to one of her many friends, linking their arms. "I bring you all the stars in the sky, yet this is how you treat me?"
Julie rolled her eyes. "Maybe lay off the nonsensical bullshit for a day or two, honey. It's getting a bit dry."
Lexi hummed in mock-thought. "How is it nonsensical?"
Julie rolled her eyes. "The stars in the sky? Really?"
"Makes sense to me." Lexi's grin turned vulpine. "Or did you not see stars the last time I was on my knees before you?"
Julie blushed bright red, glancing back and forth to see if anyone was listening. "Shhhhh!"
Lexi snickered, pecking her reddening friend on the cheek. "See you in math class, luv~"
Julie groaned as the chipper senior girl skipped away, trying not to stare at the bouncing pajama clad barely legal bubble butt.
I-O-I
I—I
I-O-I
"Hey there Mister Edgelord McEdgy Pants!"
A middle finger was the response to her kind greeting.
Lexi hummed as she plopped down on the goth boy's lap and started unpacking her lunch. "How's it hangin' Zeus?"
Zeus sighed in bitter resignation. "Did the nerds kick you out again?"
Lexi shrugged as she popped a tomato in her mouth. One of the tiny tasty explody ones that she always can't help but forget the name of. Vegetable tomatoes? Garden tomatoes? Meh. "Not my fault they can't appreciate the fine art of boy's love. Do you think they'd listen if I did it with my top off? Tits grab people attention like nobody's business, am I right? Eh? Eh?"
"Maybe you shouldn't talk about gay stuff with people who aren't into gay stuff?" he retorted sarcastically. "You know, because they're not gay, so they don't like gay stuff?"
"How am I to convert the heathenish infidels if not through the gospel of such splendiferous arts as joyous homoeroticism?" Lexi chirped brightly. "At least you can appreciate the heady feeling of a good and proper buggering just as much as I, mine friend."
"I'm not gay!"
Lexi froze, a piece of rolled egg falling from her chopsticks. "But... but... you're my token gay guy friend!"
He smacked her upside the head.
Lexi pouted at the boy. "Mean."
"Do I look like I care?"
"Well, if you're not gay..." Lexi tilted her head up to look him in the eyes. "Want a blowjob? I can feel the hotdog cookin' between my buns you know? Leave those things on too long and they tend to explode, not that that isn't another kind of fun in and of itself..."
Zeus closed his eyes and counted to ten. "Pretty sure Gabi would rip my dick off and kill you if I did."
"I'm pretty sure Gabi would like to watch," Lexi retorted. "I mean, she's pretty kinky. Have you seen the— Wait, you're dating Gabi? Miss 'My muscles have edges that are made of chipped granite!' Gabi? The one that looks like she could break me with her pinky finger? Please, my friend, tell me she's into threesomes..."
The boy sighed tiredly. "You're crazy."
"Oi!" Lexi dug her elbow into his ribs. "I'll have you know my therapist says I'm only fifty percent crazy."
"Because that makes it soooo much better."
"Glad you see things my way."
"Oh for fuck's sake..."
"Speaking of fucking—" Lexi began, grinning.
Knuckles cracked. "Zeus..."
The poor boy froze, paling.
A vicious smile. "Why is Alexis sitting in your lap?"
Lexi beamed a smile at the tall blonde amazonian girl. "I was merely explaining the benefits of a proper ménage à trois! Wanna sit on my face while your boyfriend creams my pie? Play your cards right and I'll even let you eat the filling~"
Gabi rolled her eyes. "Get off my boyfriend's lap before I beat your ass black and blue."
"Oh kinky~" Lexi licked her lips. "Is that a promise?"
Gabi offered her boyfriend a sympathetic look.
Zeus breathed a sigh of relief.
Lexi squawked as she was thrown into the bushes, her lunch spilling about the ground.
I-O-I
I—I
I-O-I
"I call the painting itself Nirvana X-treme!"
"Do you now?"
"Yuppers!"
"And why is that, Miss Navah?"
Lexi hummed in thought. "Because it's meant to evoke a sense of majesty, awe, and perhaps envy in the viewers."
Mrs. Rasuli pinched the bridge of her nose. "Miss Navah, you painted an incredibly detailed series giant penises in the spitting image of Mount Rushmore."
"Like I said, envy." Lexi hummed artistically. "I'm calling it Mount Humpmore. The smaller one is asian, but don't tell anybody that, we don't want to hurt feelings. The town down there below is Bonetown, because the sight of such potent manliness causes women to ovulate nonstop. Kind of like me whenever I see Chuck Norris without a shirt on. Those rivers are named—"
"Miss Navah?"
"Hmm?"
"Detention."
"Awww..." Lexi hugged the woman. "I knew you loved me!"
Mrs. Rasuli rubbed her temples to fight off a rising migraine.
I-O-I
I—I
I-O-I
Lexi smiled as she waved around a bouquet of white lilies.
"...and then I managed to trick my art teacher into thinking that nobody ever gave me the talk. You should have seen it mom, the woman was so embarrassed. Kudos where they're due though, she actually gave me the talk. Funny as hell. Lucas would have laughed like mad, that's for sure."
A soft chuckle escaped her lips as she spun in place, smiling up at the cloudy skies, uncaring as raindrops fell from above.
"You know, I turned eighteen today?" Lexi mused absently, voice cracking. "Not a single person said happy birthday..."
Silence never sounded so loud, she realized.
"I've got to go. Dad, Mom, Lucy~" A snicker escaped her lips. "Don't wanna miss the last bus now, do I? I'll... um... see you all soon!"
Jenna H. Navah
1978 — 2018
In Loving Memory, Beloved Mother.
Richard F. Navah
1972 — 2018
In Loving Memory, Beloved Father.
Lucas G. Navah
2002 — 2018
In Loving Memory, Beloved Brother.
Lexi sedately walked away, trembling hands gently clasped behind her back, leaving the flowers spread across three epitaphs.
I-O-I
I—I
I-O-I
"Hmm~ Hm~ Hmmmhmm~ Hm~"
The sound of shoes clacking against wood echoed out through an empty home, glass and metal clinking together as a lone figure made her way to a couch. There was a phone in one hand, while the other had two things a teen really shouldn't be carrying around, much less so haphazardly as this.
A bottle was set on the table next to a well-cared for revolver, several bullets noisily clattering against the glass beneath. Only a single one was picked up and placed back into the chamber. Staring intently into a softly crackling fireplace, as though all the memories she'd made in this room with her family were contained within, the figure picked up her phone and browsed a long contacts list.
The first number she zoned in on belonged to the one who taught her the method she was using to cope. It's hard to think straight, to remember how sad you are, when you're in the middle of rubbing your bits with someone else's bits after all. Then again, sex wasn't really about sex to her. It was more about connecting with another person, feeding off their own emotion, getting lost in moments that they lost themselves in. If she were being completely honest, the cuddling was better.
"Hello?"
"Hey Jules!"
"Did you need something Lexi?"
"Um, I'm kind of lonely. Do you wanna come over and—"
"Sorry, Lexi, I'm already in the middle of something here."
"Oh okay, b—"
The line went dead.
Lexi stared at her cell for a few long moments before putting it down on the coffee table. With a sigh, she drank a shot directly from the bottle of her father's gin, grimacing as it burned on the way down. Grunting, she picked up her mother's revolver and spun the chamber. The sound of it clicking into place and hammer cocking back was deafening against the fire's crackles.
Hands shook slightly as she tested her luck...
*click*
Lexi sighed and put the gun down.
Picking up her phone, she went through the contacts list again...
"Wha...?"
"Hey, Marcus!"
"Lexi... the fuck you doin' calling me at one o'clock?"
"Oh, um I was just—"
"Girl, if it ain't important I need my damn beauty sleep."
"Sorry..."
"Yeah, you are."
He hung up on her at that.
Sighing aloud, she poured another shot down her throat then spun the chamber again...
*click*
Lexi offered the gun a betrayed look and checked to make sure there was a bullet. Biting her lip, she called the next contact.
"Alexis?"
"Hey Sammy! I really need someone to—"
"Go. To. Sleep."
"Sammy, I'm—"
"Sleep."
Sammy hung up on her.
Humming softly, she gulped down a shot of gin and began to enjoy the pleasant burn of intoxication. Numbing her fraying senses. Tossing the revolver up and down, she caught it then spun the roulette once more.
*click*
Tilting her head in thought, Lexi called a number she'd promised to never call again...
"Hello?"
"Jason..."
"Alexis." A tired groan could be heard. "Do you know what time it is?"
"Yeah, I'm really sorry about that."
"No, you're not."
"Sorry."
"Don't be sorry for being you." He sighed loudly. "Did you need something?"
"I'm... not okay." Lexi bit her lip. "You were right. I'm sorry. Please... please don't hang up on me."
"It's too late you know, for us? What we had is done and over." A beat of silence passed. "You're drowning and dragging everyone else underwater with you. Do you really think this is what your parents would want you to be doing? Your brother? Pretending that everything is okay, when anyone who cares about you at all can see it clear as day? You need help, Alexis."
"I know, I just... it's... help me?"
"No. We've been through this before." Jason sighed again. "You need to sort yourself out. Then, maybe, we can be friends. I tried, and I'm done with you. Find someone else to be a crutch. I told you that before, didn't I?"
"Yes..."
"Have you sorted yourself then?"
"No," Lexi admitted quietly. "But I'm trying to—"
"Trying isn't good enough."
Lexi stared bleakly as the line went dead, picked up the bottle of liquid courage, and took a few large gulps. The bottle was placed on the table next to a family photo. Spinning the chamber again, she tossed her cellphone aside and leaned back, sighing in relief at the feeling of cold metal pressing to her temple.
"Happy Birthday to You..."
*click*
"Happy Birthday to You..."
*click*
"Happy Birthday Dear Alexis..."
*Bang!*
I-O-I
I—I
I-O-I
Lexi woke up in a stranger's body with said stranger's memories swimming around in her head. The fact that Taylor Hebert's memories made her want to die all over again didn't help. It was a special kind of cruel irony that she really couldn't appreciate. Mostly due to her desire to eviscerate whichever asshole is responsible for her ending up in this position in the first place. Truly, it was something only a sadistic son of a bitch could even think of doing.
A crinkling sound caused her to look down.
There was a paper sitting on her chest...
Choose Your Own Adventure!
Supreme Blessings Version 1.2
Pick three supreme blessings!
[Supercomputer] - You gain a computer with infinite battery power, memory, processing power, and storage. It never breaks down, can handle any graphics, and is unhackable, untraceable, and unusable by anyone except you and those you allow. Your four monitors can be up to six feet by six feet each. You can summon and dismiss it to and from a pocket dimension at will. It will always be compatible with tech you use. You can toggle it between a desktop, laptop, and tablet at will, or even make it fully holographic. You can wish for any sort of digital media you want(as often as you want), and this computer will instantly produce it for you, exactly as you would want it to be.
[Wealth] - You gain one billion USD(or the equivalent in a currency of your choice). You can never lose this money except by spending it or giving it away, and any means you use to spend the money(, checks, debit cards, etc) will never be compromised or stolen. You also gain an annual income of fifty million USD(or the equivalent in a currency of your choice), which adjusts for inflation. No one will question where your riches come from. If you go to another world, you can convert your wealth to local currency.
[Gemini] - Pick another CYOA. Double everything positive therein, or gain ten points/choices. This removes all drawbacks too, but only if they're inherent to the premise or bundled up with otherwise-positive options.
Essence Meta Version 2.1
[Essence of the Archmage]
- Perfect Mind: Eidetic memory with infinite storage.
- Adaptable Caster: Capacity to learn any 'magic'(even unique ones) upon seeing it once, or understanding enough about it. This also includes things like Ki, Chakra, Soul Power, etc, etc...
- Mana Extremity: Possess an internal supernatural reactor that can adapt to any supernatural energy to fuel spells, enchantments, powers, etc. This reactor provides a steady supply of power that will grow over time. Right now you could use high-consumption abilities with wild abandon and still not make much of a dent after a few hours.
- Magical Mentor: Can teach others systems of magic even if they previously lacked the capacity.
- Weave Aspect: Manipulate entire systems of magic or combine them with experimentation.
[Essence of the Crafter]
- Master Craftsman: Able to design, build, and maintain anything from machines to a simple shovel.
- Flawless Work: Anything created will never rot or rust, only able to be destroyed through violence. These creations are extremely durable as well.
- Peerless Artisan: Creations work better than those made by someone else.
- Ex Nihilo Materials: Can conjure dead or inorganic materials to work with from thin air.
- Mythic Blacksmith: Ability to craft items on par with those in myth and legend. Spears that never miss, swords that can cut through anything, invulnerable armor, etc, etc...
- Power Bestowal: Can force specific abilities onto items through sheer skill and ability to craft on a conceptual level.
Pick another CYOA!
Worm: Choose Your Own Adventure
Skitter Mode: 0 Points
Disadvantages: [Reincarnation(Taylor Hebert)] = +2 Points
Disadvantages: [Wildbow? What's a Wildbow?] = +2 Points
Reincarnation: You reincarnate as Taylor Hebert. Not the worst fate, but you just replaced the girl who would have saved the world. Hope you have a plan for that.
Wildbow? What's a Wildbow?: All prior knowledge of Worm is irretrievably destroyed. Hey, ignorance is bliss... right?
Perk: [Blindspot] = -1 Point
Perk: [Special Snowflake] = -1 Point
Perk: [Mental Fortress] = -2 Points
Blindspot: You are given protection from all possible future sight powers, making you essentially invisible in precognitive simulations. Though more powerful precogs may find a workaround to this perk.
Special Snowflake: You are a special snowflake, the universe recognizes that fact. Any attempt to copy, drain, reproduce, steal, or suppress your powers fail automatically.
Mental Fortress: You are immune to any mind-altering effect, ranging from drugs to Strangers, Masters, and even the Simurgh. Even brain damage won't affect your thought process, as long as it doesn't outright kill you. This does not, however, make you immune to natural emotions.
Lexi flinched as the paper spontaneously combusted, turning to ashes in an instant...
'Save the world? Worm? What!?' Incredulous laughter escaped cracked lips. "Superheroes are real!?" For several moments she stared off into nothingness. "Sleep now, existential crisis later."
Taylor, that was her name now.
In her past life as Lexi, when her brother...
Jesus. Lucas. She had a brother.
Taylor bitterly shook her head. Getting the emotional baggage of two severely damaged teenage girls was not pleasant.
Back when her brother...
Fuck, she can't even think about it with her heart trying to tear itself apart. The wound was far, far, far too fresh. Weeks. It was even worse than when she'd lost her mom, Annette. It was worse because Lexi lost everyone at the same time. Not just her mother, but her father and brother as well.
At least Taylor still had her father and best friend.
For what that was worth...
Taylor tilted her head in thought. Considering the fact that they were like two strangers living in the same house these days, and the friend had well and truly stabbed her in the back, it really wasn't worth all that much in the end. She'd been hanging on through sheer force of will and not a little spite, honestly.
The real question that she had to ask herself was...
Do magic powers make life worth living?
Taylor wasn't sure.
Curiously, she poked at the magical energy within herself. Perhaps she should not have done that while thinking of how little she has to live for, because one moment she was fine, the next she was choking on cold, cold, cold water. All the nightmares she'd had of drowning suddenly becoming real was not fun.
I-O-I
I—I
I-O-I
Armsmaster was on his patrol through ABB territory by the Docks when his radar picked up an unusual anomaly. There was a fading heat signature in the bay. Turning on a dime, his pristine tinkertech motorcycle accelerated towards the Boat Graveyard. Just before a large fence he twisted the handle causing jets to fire and boosting his bike clear over the partition.
Trusting his on board driving assistance device, a precisely calculated algorithm allowed him to land without so much as a fraction of difficulty or loss of speed.
With the guidance of his radar he deftly wove between wreckage, never slowing down until he came to the edge of a dock. Gazing out into the water past a sunken ship, his helmet scanned for thermals and found the body of a teenage girl. Raising his halberd, he fired the grappling hook with precision.
Seconds later a waterlogged girl was dragged out of the water looking decidedly nonplussed. "Where'd the fishes go?"
I-O-I
I—I
I-O-I
Taylor's brows rose incredulously as a thermos emerged from the side of the infamous Armscycle, along with a mug. Snuggling into the emergency blanket around her, she stared at the local leader of the Protectorate. The plain white coffee mug was quickly filled with precise movement and deposited into her hands.
Armsmaster is Best Hero, she decided.
A long sip echoed out into the cold and quiet night.
"What happened?" he asked.
Taylor hummed in content. "I shot myself in the head, woke up with powers this morning. Accidentally teleported myself out there when I poked my power. I panicked when I realized I was drowning, cause suicidal or not I've had nightmares about that all my life, ever since I almost drowned as a kid. Turns out that I can, in fact, make it possible to breathe underwater."
Armsmaster opened his mouth, thought for a moment, and closed it with a click. Instead, a small terminal folded out from the forearm of his tinkertech power armor.
—
In: Private Messages ►
—
BigThingsLittlePackages: I require assistance.
Tin_Mother: Colin? What's wrong?
BigThingsLittlePackages: Please review the footage on my camera.
Tin_Mother: Stall.
BigThingsLittlePackages: I will try.
—
Taylor tilted her head curiously at the hero as he typed something up on his little terminal. "Police?"
He closed the terminal. "No."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"Would you like to see a trick?"
Taylor smiled softly. "That sounds lovely."
Armsmaster pulled a deck of cards out of a compartment in the heel of his boot, getting another shocked look from the teen.
"Um..." Taylor tilted her head to the side. "What are you doing?"
Armsmaster paused, beaker held in one hand. The cards themselves were stuffed into the gas tank of his bike. "The cards will become fuel if treated with the right chemicals, which will burn in what I am told is a pleasing shade of red, and flow directly into the gas tank while releasing a soft humming noise. This will cause the inbuilt fire suppression system to activate. Watch. Listen. Be amazed."
Taylor giggled and sipped her coffee.
Honestly, it was a very sharp color like velvet cake and a sound not unlike the purring of a kitten. The literal fire in a gas tank full of god knows what tinker stuffs was warm too. Weird. Tinker level weird.
Taylor clapped softly, a smile on her lips.
Armsmaster tapped another button.
A beat of silence passed before someone new spoke.
"Hello there."
Taylor blinked. "You have a talking helmet? That's so cool."
A feminine laugh came from the helmet. "I'm speaking to you through a microphone."
"Oh, okay." The teen sipped her tasty tinker java. "I'm Taylor, nice to meet you miss."
"Nice to meet you Taylor, I'm Dragon."
Taylor blinked owlishly. "Sorry for wasting your time, both of you..."
Armsmaster shook his head.
"It's never a waste of time to help someone in need," Dragon corrected her softly.
Taylor's cheeks pinked. "Ah..."
"Do you want to talk about it?" Dragon asked softly.
"That's supposed to help, right?"
"I've heard that it does, yes."
"Nobody ever wants to listen though..."
"I will," Armsmaster said stoically, fists clenched.
"Well..." Taylor sighed, gazing up at the stars in the darkened sky of Brockton Bay. "I guess it all started after my mother died."
I-O-I
I—I
I-O-I
Sophia Hess was feeling more than a little annoyed as she stomped into the Director's office. Her sharp eyes took in the sight of Miss Militia standing next to Piggy's desk, took in the way the protectorate hero looked far more tense than usual. Armsmaster was there too, standing by a chair in front of the desk.
The way his gauntlets creaked at the sight of her told Sophia that she might have done something to piss him off. That was cause for some concern, if only because it was rare for the stoic man to be moved to any visible sign of emotion.
"Sit," Emily Piggot ordered firmly.
Sophia frowned and took the seat next to Armsmaster. "What the fu-heck is this about?"
Piggot's finger tapped the journal on her desk. "I just had the distinct displeasure of having very enlightening, although incredibly frustrating conversation, with Principal Blackwell."
The young Ward bolted upright in her chair. "About what...?"
"Honestly, I wish I had more time." Piggot growled as she harshly dropped her palm onto the journal. "If I did, I would love nothing more than to nail that woman's ass to the wall too. As it is, I'll have to settle for you and your friends. Congratulations, Sophia Hess, you have grossly violated the terms of your probation. Do not pass go, do not collect your college fund on the way out."
Sophia's jaw dropped as she stared at the woman. "What!?"
Armsmaster promptly locked a collar with built-in electronic components on her ankle before she could react. "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say—"
"Fuck you!" Sophia cut him off, angry beyond belief that her power wouldn't do her any good now. Despite her first instinct, running would be a bad choice at this point, she doubted she'd get away from the man in his power armor. "I know my rights! What the fuck is going on!? What do you mean I violated my probation!?"
"I will act in a manner befitting my station, so as to not reflect poorly on the Protectorate, PRT, and/or Wards." Miss Militia's angry gaze bored into the Ward. "Did you even read the papers?"
Sophia choked back a laugh. "I signed that bullshit?"
Miss Militia pinched the bridge of her nose. "You did."
"Well..." Sophia searched within for the words. "Fuck that."
Piggot's gaze narrowed on the girl. "We searched your most often visited locations using the gps built into the Ward's phone. We found your stashes of broadhead bolts, including the bloody ones."
Sophia gaped like she'd been smacked with a fish.
Armsmaster motioned for her to follow. "You'll be staying in the containment cells to await further processing. If you attempt to flee, I will tase you."
"You don't have the balls," Sophia growled.
"Are you resisting arrest?" Armsmaster asked, looming over her while gripping his halberd in almost eager anticipation.
Sophia gulped, just a little freaked out as she started walking out the door. "You'll regret this."
"Miss Hess," Piggot called out, getting her to pause. "Parahumans over the age of fourteen are now tried as adults, and by violating your probation, the original vigilante charges that were dropped upon your inclusion to the Wards program shall be revisited. This, on top of whatever else you've gotten up to. Enjoy having the Watchdog so far up your ass you choke on it."
"Fuck you Piggy!" Sophia snarled. "Alan already—"
"Alan Barnes is a two bit divorce lawyer that doesn't know the difference between parahuman law and his own ass." Piggot snorted, rolling her eyes. "Try the other one."
Sophia growled again as she stomped out of the office
Piggot smiled as she tapped the journal. "Emma Barnes is going to be staying in psychiatric care. Madison Clements is suspended and going through mandatory morals and ethics classes... while also being treated for her sexual dysfunction. Poor girl. Sophia Hess is dealt with for now. It won't be difficult to get Miss Hebert a transfer to Arcadia, especially if she joins the Wards."
Miss Militia nodded as she stepped around the desk. "I'd like to meet her now, ma'am."
"Give my apologies for..." Piggot scowled and waved at the journal on her desk. "This. It should have been caught months ago, and thank god they didn't get to pull that locker shit. You deal with the girl, I'll deal with Hess' handler and Mr. Barnes. One would think the man would get the fucking message and quit bothering us for actually doing what's right for his own daughter."
"Somehow, I feel that you're going to enjoy that far more than as is healthy..." Miss Militia commented flatly.
Emily just smiled beatifically.
Taylor's Stuffs!
Blessings: [Supercomputer] - [Wealth]
Powers: [Essence of the Archmage] - [Essence of the Crafter]
Perks: [Blindspot] - [Special Snowflake] - [Mental Fortress]
Spells List -
Mobility: [Teleport]
Buffs: [Underwater Breathing]
Author's Note!
I've started up hundreds of fics, the first time I posted was earlier today, and this is the first time I'm touching the topic of suicide and depression in general. It's a sensitive one for me, for various reasons. I'm not sure this is something I should write, much less want to write, but I'm going to give it a go. I want to write about someone recovering, finding the honest joy in life again...
I... want to feel good.