A/N: I found this while cleaning out my fic supply. This will go nowhere. It's just a short, STUPID one shot that I wrote bc I'm a curious person that wonders a lot about things and this is what popped into my head when I thought about it.

"This is really embarrassing," Nami muttered bitterly to herself as she walked the length of Sunny towards Sanji and the others.

The island was long behind them, Marines in the distance – occasionally a cannonball would hit the waters around them, but everyone had lost attention in that action. Now they were move involved with seeing how skilled they were with spitballs. Occasionally, Caesar would scream out with horror; the mast he was tied to was littered with white, pulpy lumps.

His captor, Law, was sitting nearby – occasionally throwing a scowl in the group's direction once their laughter rang shrill in the warm breeze.

"Sanji," Nami whispered, trying to catch his attention as he snarled at the group for making such a mess. He whipped around, expertly handling his platter of drinks.

"Yes, my mountain flower? Do you need a refill?" he asked cheerily, Luffy changing shape as he worked his mouth up with spit. Chopper and Ussop encouraged him with a ferocious series of yells that made Nami's eye twitch.

"No. Come here, I don't want to yell at you from across the damn ship."

"I am always at your service!"

Shuffling from foot to foot, Nami worked up her courage as she crossed her arms tightly over her chest. She gave Law a skeptic glance – the cranky old bastard was looking off in the other direction while Caesar screamed at him to help him.

"I hate to ask this of you," Nami then said, lowering her voice and cupping her mouth with one hand as Sanji settled at her side. "But there's no other island for at least a day or so – I need you to return to that one and retrieve something for me."

"Oh? We forgot something important?" Sanji asked, keeping his voice lowered once he recognized her distress.

"Yes. Thanks to some IDIOTS here, we had to abandon our shopping just to escape with our damn lives!" she snarled between gritted teeth, reddening. "I couldn't get the things I needed."

"I would be delighted to help!" Sanji cried. Nami grabbed his shirt to shake him, indicating that he lower his voice.

Ussop looked over suspiciously. "Hey. What are they doing over there?"

"Just never mind!" Nami snapped at him while she gave Sanji once last shake. She looked at him. "You think you can do this?"

"Of course. Just me?"

"JUST you. I don't trust anyone else with it!"

Sanji squealed with delight, interrupting Luffy in mid-huff. He exhaled sharply, hitting Zoro with a soaking wet spitball that had everyone laughing. The swordsman rushed to his feet in horror as Luffy abandoned his game and hurried over to the pair.

"Hey, what's going on over here? Are you guys trading secrets? I've got one to trade!" he said jubilantly, Chopper, Brook and Frankie laughing at Zoro as he wiped saliva from his face.

"LUFFY!" he shrieked, causing Law to jerk with alarm.

"Nothing you need to know!" Nami exclaimed, pushing Luffy away. "And you don't have any secrets, you're an open book!"

"Aw, Nami! I've got a good one, though," Luffy said with a pout.

"But I bet it doesn't compare to one of mine," Ussop said mysteriously, leaning in to be heard.

"I've got one to share!" Caesar cried desperately, wiggling in his bounds. "Please! Ask me!"

"It's nothing any one of you idiots need any involvement in!" Nami roared at them furiously. "It's for Sanji's ears only!"

"Anybody that asks me will get cut," Sanji threatened all of them, but could barely repress his joy at being asked for a favor from Nami.

"Why is it a secret?" Zoro complained, wiping his face with the wet towel Robin gave him. "And what's he going to do that doesn't involve any of us?"

"Just never you mind! I asked Sanji, it stays with Sanji!" Nami yelled at him impatiently.

"I worry about you, Nami," Luffy said with concern, hands on his hips. "You've been real moody a lot, and I've seen you ask Sanji for extra chocolate snacks."

"Nami, are you sick?" Chopper asked with concern while Robin lifted her eyes up and away with understanding.

"I have not been moody - !" Nami drifted off, then grew frustrated at the sets of eyes turned her way. Unable to say anything without giving it all away, she stomped her foot and hurried away.

Sanji turned to them with a murderous expression on his face. "You've made Nami cry – now I will return the favor! Ten fold!"

"Oh dear," Robin murmured to herself as screams and shouts erupted.

"Honestly? This is the worst pirate crew ever," Caesar commented, using his horns to pry spitballs from the mast so he could rest as comfortably as he could against it. "Not because they are literally the worst – but because they're childish, insensitive and obviously ignorant! Children! You're all children! Only I seem to understand the problem! I, the most respected and feared chemist in all the New World!"

"Oh?" Robin asked, looking bored about it.

"Of course! Obviously, she's carrying kids," Caesar huffed.

"Well…this is a big boat. There are a lot of children to carry…"

"You damn well know what I meant, demon! She's huge! She swelled up like a damn whale since I last saw her, which was…almost two hours ago," Caesar said haughtily, Robin frowning at him. "And I suspect the father is that guy, there."

He attempted to point at Franky, the rattling of chains rousing Law's attention. He used the end of his sword to hit the chemist in the nuts with, Caesar grunting as his knees buckled.

"The navigator is ill?" Law asked gruffly, ignoring Caesar's cries of pain. "Will this set us back?"

"Not for very long," Robin assured him. She seemed to examine Franky with consideration, the man catching sight of her prying stare. He waved at her cheerfully. "But it will cut into her duties if this isn't completed. Perhaps it'll be faster if you could participate in this mission."

Law looked pained, face twisting up with irritation. Clutching onto his sword with both hands, he observed the Strawhats in states of injury, Sanji walking away with a satisfied wipe of his hands as he fixed his godawful cowboy hat. At least the shrill laughter and shrieks had stopped, giving his ears a break.

"What sort of mission?" he then asked heavily.

Nearly a half hour later, Robin retreated to the room she shared with Nami. She saw the navigator at her vanity table, head in her hands.

"Headache?" she asked.

"I can't believe I wasn't able to pick up my supplies!"

"If it should help – "

"Robin…no," Nami repeated, looking at her sternly. "I'm aware of your solution but I can't make myself do it. Please understand. I cannot do tampons. I'm a virgin, this will not work."

Robin pulled her lips between her teeth. She understood that some women preferred certain measures in life to cope with their biological issues, and she wasn't one to try and convince another of what she should do.

"I do, but…I'm sure you can trust cook with the task, but…I think it's fair that he should know why," Robin said, sitting at the edge of the bed. "I have the utmost confidence in his understanding."

"All this time, I had no problems. I always had a supply, but…after all this damned mess, this stupid thing with the Marines - !" Nami exhaled heavily, glaring at her reflection. She touched her face gently, examining the swelling. "I have at least a day or two before it hits."

"I'm certain it'll work out," Robin assured her. "To expedite the process, I asked for some assistance from the surgeon."

"WHAT?"

"I'm sure he'd understand once he realizes what this mission is for," Robin said. "After all, he is a medical professional."

Humiliated, Nami cringed, biting her lip. "Then telling him why we need to wait when he's already chomping at the bit – he's going to kill me!"

"Maybe it'll help in one or two days," Robin said, eyes widening a bit.

Nami considered it thoughtfully, so Robin cleared her throat and decided not to joke.

"Anyway, he accepted the task."

"Well…I guess he can come into handy…He seems to have some reasonable amount of intelligence to him that these guys don't." Nami then leaned forward, searching for ink and paper. "I know exactly where it is. I had ordered it before Luffy called out to the Marines. All they have to do is go there, pick it up and be back. Those two are reliable – I trust Sanji to make haste. And with such a timeline, I trust that Law would make it quick for his own benefit."

Robin looked relieved. "I'm glad it'll work out!"

Nami looked pained, arms curling around her midsection with discomfort.

Hours later, they managed to gain enough room away from the Marines to allow their way as close to the island as possible – while the ship was still in Sunny's sight, it would still give Law and Sanji enough time to slip out and gain entry to the island to retrieve Nami's supplies and return with enough room given for the Sunny to remain out of the Marine's reach.

Nami handed Sanji the folded envelope, wrinkled from so much worrying. "There's enough beli to cover the costs, and you only need to hand it to the shop owner," she directed. "She will give you a package – you don't have to look inside. In fact, don't, for your own damn sanity."

"Okay," Sanji answered, looking at her with concern. "Are you sure this is something that Chopper can't fix?"

"Are you sick, Nami?" Chopper asked again, looking up at her.

"NO. Just - ! Get it done as fast as possible," Nami growled, face reddening once more. "The sooner you guys can return, the faster we can leave!"

"But this is bothersome – not knowing if you're in some peril, some unknown risk of a mysterious infection that can only be treated by some rare island medicine! Nami! You're not dying, are you?" Sanji asked with worry.

"Nami's dying!" Ussop cried from across the ship.

"Let's drink in celebration!" Zoro bellowed from the weight room.

"NAMI! Tell us sooner!" Franky shouted.

"Nami, nooooo!" Brook sobbed, falling at her feet.

"She's pregnant with cows!" Caesar screamed.

"ALL OF YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTHS!" Nami shrieked.

"We are abandoning our travel to retrieve menstrual pads?" Law asked gravely, looking at the contents of the envelope. Sanji made a double take from his hand to the surgeon's, realizing that a feather had been exchanged subtly during the chaos for the older man to retrieve.

Nami tried to snatch the envelope back, but Law was already evading Sanji's kick, so the distance prevented her outstretched hands from catching it.

"Don't - !" she cried in horror.

"'Menstrual pads'?" Sanji asked, unable to stop himself from looking at her chest. "Er…dear, you don't need any more padding for my benefit."

"How can you say something like that?" Brook cried in outrage. "The more the merrier!"

"Really, Nami?" Ussop asked, shaking his head. "Why are you so concerned with your damn appearance? Your vanity is unreasonable!"

"Well…uh…guess it can't be helped," Law then muttered, looking a little uncomfortable as he pocketed the envelope.

"I have medical pads in the office, Nami," Chopper said with confusion as Nami dropped her face into her hands with mortification.

"How long have you had this problem? Why didn't you tell us?"Sanji asked Nami with concern, reaching out to touch her shoulder.

"It's not some disease - !" Nami tried to say when Luffy interrupted with, "Nami, if you had this injury, why didn't you tell us? We could've pulled over so you could be treated!"

"It's not that, you morons!"

"A pad?" Ussop questioned, popping up between Nami and Sanji. "Nami, you have a permanently leaking injury?"

"Nami's dying!" Chopper cried with horror. Law looked at him with immense confusion.

"NAMI'S DYING!" Brook shrieked once more with horror.

"Oh, Nami - ! Please don't die!" Sanji wept, falling to her feet.

"Oh, for the love of -!" Law cursed impatiently, kicking at him. "Get up, let's go!"

"It's for my damn period!" Nami shouted, releasing her frustration in a bellow that brought everyone's attention her way. It fell intensely silent after that moment, causing her to release an eye roll to the heavens above.

Caesar exhaled heavily. "Well. That takes a load off my mind. I was convinced you were pregnant. You've been so fat these past few hours..."

"'Period'?" Luffy, Ussop, Chopper, and Sanji repeated with clueless tilts of their heads.

"Just end it with an exclamation point," Ussop advised her.

"Or a semi-colon!" Chopper said.

"A period of growth!" Sanji cried dramatically. "You've blossomed from a blushing beautiful teenager to a woman, so - !"

"I HATE ALL OF YOU! This is why I said nothing about it!"

"About what?" Zoro asked curiously, wiping his face of sweat as he ventured over, Franky following. "Nami? Now what'd you do?"

"Sanji and Law need to find supplies for Nami's growth period," Chopper told him.

Zoro snorted, looking at her. "'Growth'? She'll never change."

"I can help you with this, sis," Franky assured her, indicating himself. "I am a fucking pro at human re-modification and design."

"I am surrounded by stupid," Nami whispered, looking horrified.

Robin smiled merrily. "But surely this isn't a new concept you've now just realized…"

Law wiped his face, unable to accept the conversations around him. But he wore a stunned expression, rattled by the Strawhat crew's obvious lack of knowledge. He kept looking at Chopper to see if the reindeer was just playing along, but the Devil Fruit User was just as swept up in the event as his peers.

"I'm uncertain of what's happening," Franky mumbled, head tilted. "What period are we talking about? The lost ages? This one? Nami, you some kind of vampire that survives various time periods?"

Robin's eyes widened with interest – but she assured Law she was only playing with a wink in his direction.

Nami closed her eyes, shoulders slumped. "Of course none of you uneducated morons understand basic human functions, much less that of a woman's. I never wanted to bring it up because I just knew this would be the inevitable result!"

"What's there to understand?" Sanji exclaimed, arms out. "Of course women would be different from men -! You're goddesses, evoluted from our puny, miserable basic male forms!"

"Wow you're dumb," Zoro commented, looking at him with shock.

"Did any of you growup with a woman?" Nami shrilled, looking at them all and already knowing the answer when they looked back at her blankly.

"Dandan was an old woman, but I was already gone by the time I understood that she was a woman," Luffy answered.

"Kaya was bedridden," Ussop mumbled thoughtfully. "I'm sure she was modernized for this time period…"

"Kureha!" Chopper exclaimed. "She's over a hundred years old!"

"Well, I was surrounded by men all my life unfortunately," Sanji mumbled, rubbing at his chin.

Zoro narrowed his eyes. "I only notice power stages of someone's growth."

Franky wondered if Califa could be considered as part of the conversation, but he had to admit to himself that he never really spent time with her.

"What does that have to mean, anyway?" Luffy asked with exasperation. "What makes a period so freaking special? Is it a secret food? Or gift?"

"Morons," Law muttered, hand to his mouth. "All of you."

"ASK ME! I have your answers!" Caesar cried from the mast. "For my freedom, I'll definitely tell you what you need to know!"

"Uneducated, ignorant from the swamp morons! Listen up! Women have periods," Nami said, red faced. "We bleed once a month for three to six days – "

All of them gasped, even Caesar. Zoro lit up to hear this secret women apparently kept from men, sure it was his destiny to achieve the same sort of conditioning needed to survive such a period.

"From where?" Ussop asked cautiously. "I've never seen you wear bandages..."

Nami gulped, fiddling with her fingers. "Well, um... from our vaginas."

more than one set of eyes widened with disbelief.

"Where you pee?" Brook asked. He turned to the others. "That's where babies come from, gentlemen..."

"Oh jeez, is this really important right now?" Ussop asked with embarrassment.

Luffy scoffed. "Hell, I bleed all the time when I get kidney punched. That doesn't sound horrifying..."

"At this time, I get cranky because it is a miserable time for me," Nami growled. "And somehow you guys always seem to make it worse!"

"Ah," Zoro commented with understanding. "That's when you wear those sweatpants and get all sensitive. I've noticed when you gained a few because it settles right at your hefty hips."

Sanji looked so horrified that his mouth clapped uselessly.

"Oh!" Ussop exclaimed. "Does that time include all your pimples? Because it's really noticeable sometimes..."

Nami realized she would have to take the plunge now that she had all of their interest focused directly on her. "It's when the uterine walls shed to allow – "

"What's a 'uterine'?" Franky asked curiously.

"It's part of the woman's reproductive system – "

"Where is that?" Luffy asked, looking at her gesturing hands.

"Why do they shed?" Ussop asked curiously. "Like a snake shedding its skin? Because that would explain some things..."

"Why bleed, though? Isn't it more convenient to poop it out?" Chopper asked.

"So basically you sit in it for three to six days?" Caeser asked incredulously, wearing a disgusted expression. "Women are gross!"

Nami ignored him. "Eliminating waste to allow – "

"See? Poop!" Ussop stated while Luffy's mouth fell open.

"If I poop after every battle, this will clean my uterine walls!" he declared. Robin chuckled.

"I don't think we've all got one of those,"Franky said skeptically. "Are you sure it's all women and isn't just you? My gals never had a period..."

"We don't talk about it!" Nami snarled. "Because it's a subject only other women would understand! Clearly this is why none of you get it!"

"It's not poop, because women don't poop!" Sanji insisted.

"IDIOT!" Zoro snapped at him. "Even I know women poop! Everyone does!"

"Who you calling an idiot, moron?"

"OOOOHHH," Caesar realized belatedly. "No wonder Monet was so bitchy all the time…!"

"It's only once a month, I'm pretty sure she was bitchy all the time!" Ussop stated, looking at him incredulously.

"…Oh. Well, maybe she was going through something else, then. An extended period," Caesar said with confidence.

"Keep talking," Zoro growled at Nami, crossing his arms tightly over his chest. "How do you not require medical attention while bleeding for so long?"

"Maybe your uterine walls are malfunctioning, which explains why you bleed a lot," Sanji said thoughtfully, tilting his head to the side. Before Zoro could reply, he cried, "Nami, what about our uterine systems? We have reproductive organs, too!"

Nami growled, dragging her hands down her face while Robin listened to the men exchange their own questions for answers that seemed more acceptable to the matter. Law looked as if he'd seen the utmost horrors of his childhood once more, his mouth open with stark horror.

"ANYWAY, this is a once a month process that allows us to have…children," Nami finished, indicating her lower belly. "Every woman does it, and unfortunately, it's…not very convenient. There are certain supplies we need that helps us get through this. I require pads – I cannot do tampons. I…would like to remain untouched."

Law made to finally say something but one of Robin's hands clamped over it, the woman giving him a look that clearly explained that this was a tried attempt.

"Then just…hold it. Like pee," Zoro suggested, giving Nami a bewildered look. "If you feel it coming, squeeze your muscles tight. Or just pee it out, why drag out the pain? You're worse than I am!"

Nami stared at him.

"Just not have it," Luffy exclaimed, unsure of why this was a big deal. "If you can will it, then don't do it! You don't have to do it if you don't plan on having kids."

"This is a biological issue that does not listen to 'will' or - !"

"Wait," Sanji interrupted, looking at her with doubt, "so…it's like pee. You pee blood? So…just do it once, that should clear it out. I can give you some cranberry juice -"

Brook stared up at the sky with a horrified expression. "This explains so much," he murmured. "All the headaches I've experienced in my past..."

"You have bad periods too, Brook?" Robin asked, terribly amused.

"Why not just use one of Chopper's bandages, Nami?" Franky asked curiously. "He's always using them on Zoro."

"Just don't bleed," Zoro stressed. "That's your body – let it know that you're in control of it!"

"But, Nami," Sanji interrupted once more, giving a nervous laugh, "does it hurt?"

"Yes it hurts!" Nami cried. "But having this conversation makes me hurt even worse than I already feel!"

"Stop hurting her!" Sanji roared at the others, Nami throwing her head back with exasperation.

"Well," Zoro looked at her with renewed interest, "how do you endure this supposed pain?"

"Nami!" Chopper cried, "why didn't you tell me shedding hurts? I could have helped you!"

"Nami," Robin interrupted urgently, "please understand that once you've jumped the diving board, you must follow through with the dive."

"I REGRET THE DIVING BOARD!" Nami exclaimed, covering her ears as the men continued to give her their opinions. "Why did I even think that any of these idiots would have a clue…? Why am I so stupid?"

"Chopper has a pill for that," Ussop pointed out. "He had to make something for the rest of the idiots here. Maybe you should start taking them."

"Nami, they're only laxatives," Chopper whispered urgently.

"Just…go, please go, just…go do this so we can move on," Nami pleaded, pushing Sanji and Law into moving towards the supply ship.

"Please don't die while I'm away," Sanji begged her. "Surely your uterine walls will understand that I will be back as soon as possible to - !"

Law shut him up by dragging him over the ship by his shirt, Sanji yelping with surprise.