The following is a fan-based parody. Skylanders Academy is rightfully owned by Activision Blizzard Studios. Please, support the official release.

Skylanders Academy – Legit Recap Edition

Skylanders Unite: Part 1

Ok so, I'm not lying to you guys when I say this show literally starts out by shoving your face into the ass of an unsuspecting sheep. And I'm sittin' here thinkin', "Well, this is gonna be a fuckin' joyride."

Also, you know that weird theory where Spyro the Purple Dragon is reincarnated in every game, from Year of the Dragon to Skylanders and all that? Well, we once again get to sit down and for the first time in a fuckin' millennia, we get to see baby Spyro and he is totally adorable. Activision Blizzard Studios, I salute you.

Anyway, Baby Spry here hatches fresh out of the egg with a used diaper on(you're welcome, diaper fetish people) and totally kicks some gremlin ass when this old dude named Master Eon…totally vague name, I know…shows up and entices him with his wiener and is all like, "Wow, you're quite the little warrior. How about you come with me to my stone castle, and I'll totally raise you ta become a badass hero that gets all the fame and bitches? Whaddaya say?"

And Lil' Spyro's just like, "Dude, I'm a fuckin' baby, I didn't understand a word you just said."

And then, cut to, like, seventeen or eighteen years later, and Spyro is now the most popular kid in Skylander High School and he's in the middle of playin' with sheep balls with his friends. But then they purposely knock Eon's paranoid assistant, Hugo, on his ass and he flips his shit because he's got this weird phobia of sheep…for some reason…I just don't get why he can't have a normal fear of something like Winn-Dixie and his fear of thunder.

Anyway, Spyro tries to tell Hugo that his fear of the fluffy balls they play with all the time are completely harmless, but Hugo just fuckin' runs away and never comes out until tomorrow. So then, Spyro starts objectifying himself upon the younger cadets in middle school, but they totally kiss his ass because he's Eon's protégé and his ego is the size of an elephant's dick…can't say the same for his own, though.

Like, he legit takes a picture of his own ass with this one girl's phone, and then she tweets it with her friends. And it was at this moment that the girl's parents had her transferred to another school, which is why we literally never see her again.

And then, the stereotypical fat guy with anger issues named Eruptor comes in like, "Spyro, can you stop makin' these kids suck your dick and continue the game, already?"

And Spyro's like, "Whoa, Dude! Chill out! I'm just givin' 'em a little advice on how to get through high school: Drink vodka, pop lots of molly, and post on Reddit as much as possible."

Then, we're introduced to Stealth Elf, and she's basically the stuck-up female character who thinks she's always right, but it's justified because she's an actual smart person and is badass at everything. So, she walks up and she's like, "Yeah, that's what you do, and you tend do it all at the same time."

"Exactly, and look how I turned out."

"The point is, they're not you, Spyro. And just because you want more people to like and follow you, doesn't mean you should expect them to act just like you."

And Eruptor's like, "I agree, Dude. If you don't stop horribly influencing these kids like you always do, you're probably gonna end up a registered sex offender."

But Spyro's chill and just blow's it off, "You pussies worry too much."

But then, the bell rings for class to start, and Elf uses her dues ex machina teleportation powers while Spyro flies off, and they totally leave Eruptor behind to get an asthma attack on his way to class. But despite getting a head start, Spyro jacks off into the sky instead and writes a message with his juices about how awesome he is when he's really just being a fuckin' idiot.

And then, Jet-Vac…oh, dear Jet-Vac, I know that vacuum on your back isn't just for suckin' air if ya know what I'm sayin'*wink wink*. I'm sure there's a nut setting on that thing somewhere. But despite this, Jet-Vac is actually an old douche bag with douchier ways of amplifying his authority as a senior Skylander, and it always comes off as making you wanna feel bad for him because he clearly hasn't gotten any pussy yet. Or dick. I'm not here to judge.

Then, Stealth Elf is first to show up but she gets her ass caught anyway, and Eruptor just blows a fuckin' hole in the wall thinkin' he totally got in unnoticed, and last and certainly least, Spyro just fuckin' dive bombs in. And he's got this shit-eating grin on his face, and he wears it solely to piss off Jet-Vac because he knows he's a punctual asshole.

So, JV's all like, "Why the hell do you always gotta be late, Spyro?! You know it goes on your permanent record!"

And Purple Dong's just all, "Yeah, I know, and I do it to irritate you. Is it working?"

"You get detention, Young Dragon!"

And then Eruptor's like, "Yup, it works."

And so, to teach him a lesson, Jet-Vac just blasts everyone in the face with a bunch of his white stuff…by that, I mean pop quizzes, you fucking pervert. So, everyone's pissed at him, but as always, Spyro just doesn't give a fuck and barely gets a passing grade.

This gets Eon's attention, and he's like, "Spyro, you're like a son to me, but I'm not gonna save your ass again if you fail to graduate. And judging by the d-minus on your recent test, I'd say that you're headed in the general direction of a shelter for the homeless."

But Spyro's like, "Look, it wasn't an f, which means it's basically an a. C'mon, Master E, you've gotta trust me. I can totally knock the others on their asses and graduate with both wings tied behind my back! You've seen me do it before!"

"Yes, I distinctly remember your camping trip three years ago…I had to pay for all of the staff members' medical bills all because you wanted to look for a werewolf."

"Hey, those campfire stories they told were totally believable!"

"Be that as it may, you're going to have to focus more if you're going to become a Skylander this year. And if you don't, you're gonna have no one to blame but yourself."

And then, Master Eon does this thing where this bookshelf opens like a secret passage in Portal 2, and he shows him this magical glowing book. But as soon as Spyro touches it, it shocks the fuck out of him.

And then Eon's like, "That's what happens to cadets who fail. The Book of Skylanders has a factory setting that rejects any non-Skylander unless they're a super villain with enough dark magic to counter it."

And Spyro's all, "Ok, that's oddly specific."

"Point is, you're gonna die at a very young age, and that's the last thing I want for you."

But then, Spyro realizes something, "Ya know, Master Eon, I totally appreciate that you care so much for me. And I really do feel like you're my family since you're the one guy that believes in the philosophy of letting a growing child eat Pop Tarts for breakfast everyday of his life, and I have total respect for that. Unfortunately, I can never look at a Pop Tart without throwing up."

And Eon's all, "You're getting off topic! Look, just don't fuckin' screw this up all because you didn't follow the rules!"

"Technically, though, it would ultimately be your fault since you raised me and put it in my head that I could literally do anything I wanted."

"Holy shit, you're right."

"I know I am."

"Shut up! I obviously can't help you now because you're old enough to make these decisions, and because my lawyer says I'm not allowed to be seen alone in public with young folks anymore for the risk of getting called a child molester."

"Don't worry, E. As I've said before, I can totally clean up my act in time for the graduation ceremony."

But then, we totally just forget about the Skylanders for a solid five minutes to visit the main villain in every game, Kaos, in his filthy abode with cum-stained walls. And then, Glumshanks walks in with as much confidence in his hips as a drag queen, and he's totally prepared himself to suck his master's dick again.

So, Glums, depressed and emotionless as always, is like, "I brought the scalding hot water you told me to boil for an hour, so that you could throw it in my face, Sir."

And Kaos totally giggles like a little girl, and just tosses the fuckin' hot liquid in poor Glumshanks' face, to which he sarcastically responds, "Well tossed, Sir. You seem to be in a particularly evil mood today."

And Kaos is like, "Oh, you noticed? I was just tryin' ta hide my excitement for my next brilliant plan ta fuck the Skylanders' in the anus. But besides that, I'm actually feeling good because I just buried a pregnant woman alive."

"Well, aren't you just the malicious, next-gen Hitler the world has been waiting for?"

"Thank you, Glummy! Also, feast your bloodshot eyes on this!"

And then, Kaos turns on his forehead nightlight to cast this picture of a glowing book, and Glumshanks is like, "Isn't that the Book of Skylanders? What, are you gonna bore them to death by reading to them?"

Here I am, thinking to myself, "I'd better get used to Glumshanks' dry remarks and sarcasm because there's, like, a boat-ton of that shit in this show." And in all honesty, that's one of my favorite traits about him, is that he literally gives zero fucks because of how miserable his life is, and it makes me feel like I finally have someone to relate to.

But then, Kaos just fuckin' snaps, "Don't get cute, Glumwad! Every Skylander ever is subscribed ta that book, and if I can just get a hold of it, I can get total moderator privileges over all of 'em and make 'em kiss my ass for never inviting me ta any of their parties."

"Sir, just because you're a recluse, doesn't mean you get to blame everyone else for not including you in their own fun activities."

"That's where you're wrong! I simply don't care, and I've certainly never cared about the fuck-ton of times I've failed ta actually beat them, so why start now?"

"Right. But isn't the book hidden deep within the bowels of the academy?"

"Yes, except for tomorrow when Eon takes it out to reset the all of book's social media pages to update its status, and add all the new Skylanders to the admin's department."

And poor Glumshanks knows there's no other way out of this except to keep kissing up to Kaos, so he's all, "You're a fuckin' genius, Sir. Shall I bake you a cake to celebrate?"

And Kaos just shrugs it off like, "Nah, I was just thinkin' of deleting your Twitter account before flushing your phone down a recently-used toilet. That ok with you? 'Course it is. Now, let's get to celebrating, Slave!"

And by this time, Stealth Elf and Eruptor are actually being productive before the big ceremony tomorrow by helping each other train. But they notice that Spyro isn't around, and Eruptor says it's because he mentioned having something important to do.

But as soon as they get back home that night, they find out that their roommate threw a fuckin' party without them. And Elf just like, "God damnit! I knew we shouldn't have left him alone!"

And Eruptor's all, "I know! Who does he think he is not inviting us to a party at our own house?!"

So now, Stealth is pissed at both of her best friends and she tries to get in, but they're stopped by this big-ass, thong-wearing Skylander named Ass Blast, but he's totally Austrian and they can't understand one fuckin' word he says. But Spyro totally saves them by telling Ass Blast that they're with him, even though it's in complete gibberish because he's trying to speak Austrian and utterly fails at it and accidentally ends up damning Ass Blast's family to an eternity of self-destruct genitals.

And when they're inside, Spyro's all, "What the hell took you guys so long? I tweeted you both what time the party would start hours ago!"

And Eruptor's like, "Dude, we deleted our old Twitter accounts!"

"What?! Why didn't you tell me?! I've been sending hilarious Pikachu memes to you guys for weeks!"

But Elfy's fucking pissed, "That's not what matters right now! You can't just throw a party the night before our graduation!"

And Spyro's all, "What do you mean I can't? I'm doin' it right now."

But then, Eruptor and Stealth Elf totally get creamed in the face by some poor dude's bloody jizz and they both fuck off to try and get some sleep. But Spyro ignores the time and parties all night while participating in a few circle jerks and vodka intake contests and just gets totally wasted.

So, morning comes and their place is fuckin' trashed and Elf's like, "I honestly don't care if Spyro's already at the games or not, I'm makin' him clean this shit up when we get back."

And Eruptor's all, "I couldn't find him anywhere, though, so maybe he is ahead of us?"

"Doesn't matter, let's just go."

And like all video game characters, they weren't programmed with any looking-up animation and didn't notice that Spyro was passed out on the roof and doesn't even wake up despite falling face-first into a rose bush.

Then, the games start and Master Eon and Hugo fly in on his giant floating vibrator that was basically modeled after Smaug's penis after getting it chopped in half, and then a few other cadets go through these wonky-ass battle simulations. Stealth Elf kicks ass, Eruptor sets some other stuff and himself on fire, I didn't give a shit about the others, and that's basically what happened.

And while this shit is going on, Kaos and Glumshanks have finally arrived to stalk the show and devise a plan to get in and steal the book. But like Glumshanks, I keep wondering what the fuck is going on in Kaos' giant head and what the hell he's actually got planned in order to pull this off.

But until then, Eruptor, Stealth Elf and some mushroom thing pass the test(but he's totally held back because he does nothing but throw up and shit himself), and some witch girl with her little Sans bitty trapped in a bubble end up failing. And at the last second, Spyro finally shows up, hung over as I was last week after drinking one too many martinis, and I woke up in an alley. But that's not the point.

Now that Spyro's here, he tries going through the simulations but fucks up each and every one of them, and Eon doesn't let him down easy at all, "Spyro, you failed! You will not be getting your picture drawn in the Book of Skylanders this year, and you sure as hell won't be getting that membership card that gets you a seventy-percent discount on any size coffee and donuts at Speedway!"

And so, Spyro's spiral into depression begins…and I'll totally get to that later, I promise.