.

Let The Wind Blow

Chapter 9

(Disclaimer – This chapter contains mentions of

physical, emotional and sexual abuse, as well as trauma)

I blinked.

Her mother?

"Your mother?" I repeated.

She nodded, and I could tell she didn't know how to explain it. There was so much blazing determination in her eyes, but also so much pain. I regretted ever wanting to question her on her past in that moment, it was clear whatever had happened to her was more than just bad. It caused her physical pain to even consider talking about it. I could see that from the way her hand shook with anger in my grip and how her face had paled in fear.

"I hate her. Everyday since I can remember I've hated her" She spit out the words with so much conviction that even Yasao seemed to freeze up.

I took a deep breath, not fully trusting the questions forming in my mind. I let one slip, "She's...she's the reason you're here?"

Haruhi nodded slowly, "Officer Nekozawa said this was the best place for me. They tried a halfway-house but...I wasn't good for it"

"Haruhi" I spoke slowly, planning out my next words, knowing that what I was about to ask was something that would be hard for her to answer. I squeezed her hand in mine, meeting her gaze and pouring all the comfort and strength into her I could manage,"What happened to you?"

She didn't look away, not even to blink. She just stared right back, and once again, her eyes filled with tears.

I felt her hand clench as if making a fist.

"You'll never look at me the same again" she whispered.

I shook my head, "Nothing you could say would change how I see you Haruhi"

She didn't look as if she believed me. Her expression turned to stone, as if she were silently chastising herself for getting upset with me. Right in front of me she was slipping back into herself, that steel mask she wore sliding back into place.

"You don't have to be in charge of your feelings all the time Haruhi. You're allowed to let them out" I spoke gently, "You can trust me"

Haruhi looked as if she were battling with herself. Stuck between telling me to fuck off or letting out the words on the tip of her tongue. Her brow furrowed in pain, and once again her eyes filled with angry tears, as if they were directed at herself.

Then a shaky breath passed her lips.

"Hana never wanted to be a mother" she whispered, "I wasn't planned. I was the result of an unprotected one-night stand, between her and some random client who met her on the street one night in the spring. She didn't even remember which client, no name, no memory of his face..." she swallowed and took a deep breath, "Her boyfriend at the time convinced her to keep me. She would get child funding from the government if she had a kid, and god knows she needed the money. She came and went, bringing whoever she wanted back to the apartment, and leaving me to fend for myself. I was in and out of school, mostly out since she barely woke up in time to take me. I was ignored, neglected, forgotten most of the time"

I wanted to hold her again, to reassure her that she could tell me all of this without judgement. But I didn't want to risk ruining her train of thought. She looked so desperate to let it all out. I simply reached for her other hand, and caressed her knuckles with my thumbs. Her shoulders seemed to relax as she took another deep breath, a tear rolling down her cheek.

"Her "friends" were nicer to me than she was. They'd say I was cute, and some regulars would bring me treats whenever they visited. I don't think she liked that much, she started calling me a whore, saying I was pining for her client's attention, as if I wanted them to notice me. She took advantage of that when I turned 13. I remember her brushing my hair one day and telling me how pretty I was, and how it would be a waste not to use that"

She chewed her lip, as if she were terrified of the next words that left her mouth.

Slowly and hesitantly, she leaned towards me and wrapped her arms around my neck once more. Her face hid in the crook of my neck and I embraced her tightly as she crawled further onto my lap. In the end, she simply curled up on me, as if she were a small child seeking comfort from her care giver. I was more than happy to oblige. Especially as I began to feel the burning anger that mingled between Yasao and I as we listened to her story.

"It was scary the first time" she whispered against my neck, "I just laid there and stared at the cracks in the ceiling, wishing it would end as I tried to block everything out. And yet...they always tried to look me in the eye. And each and every time all I could see was the evil inside them just staring back at me. And that was the worst part. It was easy to pretend it wasn't happening when I could focus on the ceiling, but when they looked at me...there was no way to pretend"

More tears soaked my shirt and it took everything I had inside me to stop myself from crying with her.

I could tell from the way the words spilled out that she'd never told anyone this story before. My chest burned as I did my best to stay strong for her. I wanted to be the rock she needed. I wanted to take every ounce of pain she felt and replace it with comfort and peace.

"It got easier over time" she exhaled, "I was able to just disconnect myself and let whatever happened happen; my mind going elsewhere until the man would leave. Hana paid more attention to me after that. She bought me clothes, make up, shoes, made sure I ate, made sure I smiled when I had to. I thought maybe it was all worth it just to have my Mother for a while. When each client left she'd tell me I did a good job and she was proud of me. It made me feel better"

I couldn't stand the horrible images that formed in my head. Imagining that poor young girl go through all of that, under the guidance of the one person who should have been there to protect her. My blood boiled, my hands balled into fists. I was angrier than I'd ever felt and Yasao was only fuelling it. Our rage melted together, both equally as fiery. And I knew in that moment that had this Hana been standing in the room with us, I would have let him do whatever he wanted to her.

But Yasao had gone eerily silent.

Are you okay?

No answer.

"Near the end, she got a new boyfriend. Taichi. He was younger than her, only 10 years my senior, and he was nice to me. She started to notice how much attention he would give me and she hated it. She hated me. She stopped being so kind after that. The beatings got worse, the insults increased. She made sure I missed meals, I slept on the floor, she even shaved my head. My last week in that apartment was spent handcuffed to a boiler pipe in the living room as punishment for displeasing one of the clients. She'd bring her "friends" over to laugh at me and stare. Some would pour alcohol down my throat and kick me, some would just pretend I wasn't there and get what they came for and leave.

The last night I could barely form a coherent thought. I'd given up completely and just wanted it to end. When Hana left for the night Taichi stayed home, getting drunk and high as hell until he uncuffed me. I can still remember how his breath smelled as he dragged his lips over my face. I wanted to scream but my throat was so dry. Eventually before he could do anything I managed to shove him off me and ran. I ran for what felt like hours in the dark, until I came to a bridge...over the river..."

Her voice cracked and more fresh tears coated the side of my neck. I tried my best to contain my own, but failed as some broke through the barrier of my eyelids. I squeezed her tightly against me, wanting more than anything to take the pain away from her. If I could have switched places with her in that moment I would have. Without a moment's hesitation.

"I stared over the side and just waited. I don't know what for, but whatever it was, it never came. I wanted to go back in time. To make sure my mother never conceived me that day in spring..." she quivered, "But...as I let go of the barrier, and anticipated the pain and relief of barrelling into that rushing water, someone caught me and dragged me back over the fence. Nekozawa berated me for it, telling me I was too young, that I had so much left to live for; but he had no idea what I was trying to escape from. I broke down and told him to take me away. To take me anywhere but back to that apartment"

She slowly pulled back, and looked straight into my eyes.

I tried to avert away, but she caught my chin in her hand.

"Don't look away" she whispered.

So I didn't.

And we just stared at each other.

My reply came in a whisper, "Why is it that I can look at you, but no one else can?"

The saddest smile touched her lips, "There's no evil in your eyes" hopeless droplets falling from her own.

I clasped her hand in mine.

"I'm sorry" I whispered. Not knowing what else to say. "No one deserves what happened to you. Especially you"

Her eyes flickered between my own, then she lowered her head back into my shoulder, and let herself go.

We must have sat on the floor together for at least an hour. We didn't say anything else, I simply held her, slowly stroking my thumb along her shoulder blades until her sobs slowed and she went silent in my arms.

During that time not a word passed my lips, but a full conversation occurred in my head as Yasao spoke up for the first time since we entered the room.

We need to do something.

Like what? We can't change anything.

I don't know...just something. Something to make everything better.

I don't think we have that kind of power – I thought to him. I knew he meant well, and for the first time in so long I felt we were on the same page as one another. His energy was solely centred on Haruhi and how she felt, rather than on me and my problems.

Haruhi stirred in my lap, then slowly and silently untangled herself before sitting up against the closed door. I disliked the sudden distance more than I'd thought I would but stayed were I was, at a distance she was more comfortable with.

"Thank you" she uttered.

"Anytime" I replied just as quietly.

She offered what seemed to be an attempt at a smile, but instead it came across as an anxious tight line. She sighed, hugging her knees to her chest.

"I know you probably don't want to talk about it..." I started, "But...the court date"

Her eyes fell shut, her head leaning back against the wood of the door.

"It's in 2 weeks" she whispered, "The chairman says they need my testimony if they're to be sentenced for their crimes involving me. As it is, they only have evidence of neglect due to school attendance and the condition of the apartment"

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

She shook her head stiffly, as if she'd already shut her feelings off.

"Did the others say anything?" she asked.

"Not really..." I replied, taking a risk as I moved to sit beside her. To my relief she didn't shy away, "They said they heard you shouting at the chairman. They were a little stunned..."

Haruhi sighed, her head tilting to rest against my shoulder.

"I feel ridiculous" she breathed.

"Why?"

"Why do you think?"

"You're allowed to be upset" I replied gently, "I think the others were just a little shocked since you don't ever show it"

They weren't the only ones.

"We're more worried than anything" I continued.

"I don't need people to worry about me" she murmured.

"You can't stop people from being concerned. Remember what I said about being friends?"

I felt her nod unconvincingly.

I sighed, deciding not to push it. Haruhi had come a long way with me tonight, the last thing I wanted was to push her into regretting it further.

"I was looking for you anyway. Before I knew all this..." I said.

"You were?"

I nodded.

"I'd just finished my session with Dr Huroi"

"Ugh" she grumbled.

"I second that 'Ugh'" I sighed, "He 'advised' me to stay away from you. He said you needed to focus on other things...I guess I know what he meant by that now"

A sound crossed between a huff and a growl passed Haruhi's lips, "I'm so done with people telling me what to do" she said, "Yesterday he sat me down and made me tell him everything I felt when Nekozawa pulled me off the bridge. It was so shit"

"I guess he's just doing his job. Getting in our heads" Even if we don't want him to. "I was thinking about asking for a new one"

"A new doctor?"

I nodded.

"I wish I could ask for a new one. But I've already been passed around everyone else, and all they did was patronise me. At least Huroi never did that"

"But why would he encourage you not to make friends?" I asked.

She shrugged, "I've never had a friend before. When he told me not to get too close to you, he said it was because I might put all my energy into you, rather than focusing on myself"

I'm not buying it.

"He told me he can't force us to stay apart. He can only advise it" I said.

"Are you going to?"

"Going to what?"

"Stay away from me?"

Hell no.

"Of course not" I scoffed, "If there's one thing I'm great at, it's not listening to advise"

That earned me a laugh.

"Thanks Hikaru" she smiled softly.

"Anytime"

"Please don't tell anyone what I told you today. I kind of like people not knowing"

"My lips are sealed"

"Same goes for Yasao"

Cross my heart.

"He says okay" I smirked.

Her hand reached for mine, and our fingers laced together on her lap. I caught myself smiling as we sat there a while longer in comfortable silence.

This chapter was a little shorter than my others due to it's content. Obviously this chapter featured a lot of sensitive themes that can be triggering to some. I want to make it clear that it's not my intention to glamourize or remove any severity from real life situations, as someone who has personally experienced forms of abuse I wanted to make sure this chapter addressed the lasting effects of depression and PTSD that can occur due to trauma both in childhood and adulthood. I am someone who suffers from long term PTSD and depression, and has also experienced suicidal thoughts which resulted in receiving medical treatment, therefore the last thing I wanted to do was sugar coat the dark aspects but also didn't want to boil these themes down to entertainment. This includes any of the other mental illnesses I have featured.

Below I have listed helplines and websites for both the US and UK. If you have experienced any of these themes and need someone to talk to, there are always resources you can access and people you can confide in.

Hotlines

UK Samaritans Hotline - 116 123

USA Suicide Hotline - 1-800-784-2433

More info on DID (ones I used)

NHS Website
PSYCHOLOGY TODAY
DissociaDID on Youtube