I don't know why I gave it this title. Guess I had Mercury Rev on the brain.

Takes place between chapters 56 and 57.

Revised: 7/12/2020

It was in solitude that Rei Ayanami had always felt most comfortable. Far removed from the tedious minutiae of human society—the burdens of everyday life. She'd always known that she was an outsider, that she was different. Or at least, she'd always thought she knew. Slowly, gradually, without conscious awareness, something in her had changed.

Rei's life was one of simplicity. She'd seen little need for luxuries or indulgences. Her own lonely little apartment, with however few possessions held inside, was her haven, her escape. Since meeting him however, as days turned to weeks, and weeks turned to months—what she had once considered sanctuary in a miserable, hellish world, was feeling increasingly more like a cage.

Where once she had felt content, she now felt hollow, incomplete—as if she weren't fully human. Not long ago, that thought would never have caused her distress.

Now, it terrified her.

Most painful of all, Rei would now… want. As repressed as her desires had been, just like any other person, her heart yearned. Yearned for the company of another, the touch of another, the love of another.

"Ikari…" Rei whispered.

Shinji Ikari—the boy she swore to protect, the boy who showed her care and compassion, the boy who despite his insecurities, his uncertainties, his fears, his weaknesses, would always be her hero. The boy who awakened her heart. The boy whose kind words and smile, if only for a few fleeting moments, made her feel like she could break free from her cage—like she could spread her wings and fly.

It was only in his presence when Rei felt truly happy, truly alive.

Standing idly in her kitchen, Rei bit her lip. Her eyes darted to the clock.

5:32

She had invited Shinji over. The days that had passed since his release from the hospital had been tumultuous. Emotions with which she was completely unfamiliar—emotions she had once believed she didn't even possess—had run rampant. The warm sensation of his hand firmly yet gently grasping hers continued to pulsate through her palm and fingers.

And of course, there had also been that less than cordial appointment with Dr. Akagi.

She sighed, lifting her right hand. She gazed at it as her mind continued to wander, from thoughts about Ikari to reflections on herself. Would he accept her? Would he want her? What was she to him? What was he to her? Who was she? What was she? To whom did she belong? Ikari? The Commander? Herself? Her musings persisted to grow and spiral, until two loud knocks snapped her out of her reverie.

"Ayanami?" came a muffled voice from outside the apartment. Her lips curving in the faintest of smiles, Rei quickly, yet gracefully, approached the entrance.

Opening the door, she greeted the visitor with a soft, "Ikari."

With both hands held behind his back, Shinji offered Rei a weak smile. "I'm on time, right? I hope I didn't keep you waiting…"

Rei shook her head. "No, you are on time."

"Oh, that's good."

The apartment hadn't changed much since Shinji's last visit. It was still the same dreary dwelling he remembered. He sighed.

It must be awful living all alone in a place like this… His smile fell to a frown.

"I, um, got you something," he said.

He revealed what had been hidden behind his back: a fancily assorted bouquet of flowers, each white as snow. Getting them had been a gamble—he had no idea if Rei even liked flowers. Still, he hoped she would appreciate the thought.

"Flowers…" Rei said longingly. They weren't necessary, they served no practical purpose, their untimely deaths were all but inevitable… so why did she feel happy?

Because they are a gift, she mused. A gift from Ikari…

"They're l-lilies," Shinji said, unsure of how his gift had been received. "I don't really know much about flowers, but I think they suit you." His cheeks went slightly pink. "They're pretty, don't you think?"

He offered the bouquet to Rei, which she stared at for several seconds.

Shinji fidgeted nervously as she quietly inspected the flowers.

"Yes," she eventually said, "they are pretty. Thank you."

She took the flowers, much to Shinji's relief.

"Y-you're welcome," he said. "You know, Ayanami, sometimes it helps having something nice to look at every now and then."

Rei didn't answer, she just looked at him, silently, unblinkingly.

Shinji avoided her gaze. "I know it doesn't make up for… you know, everything going on now," he rubbed his arm, "but it makes things a little more bearable, at least."

Her staring continued.

"J-just food for thought…"

Perhaps realizing she had made him uncomfortable, Rei looked away. She then returned to the kitchen, placing the bouquet on one of the countertops. Shinji removed his shoes, then joined her.

"Do you have a vase, Ayanami?"

"No."

"Maybe after we're done here, we can go out and buy you one," Shinji said. "My treat."

Rei wrapped her left hand around her right—her thumb pressed against her palm, the other digits over her backhand—and squeezed. "I would… like that."

Shinji sniffed twice, then his eyes drifted. There were two cups sitting on one of the kitchen countertops—steam rising from both. "Oh, you made tea?" he asked, to which Rei nodded.

"Yes. Please have some."

Shinji hesitated. He remembered the last and only time he had seen Rei make tea. Suddenly he felt queasy. If this time was anything like then, well… perhaps it was best not to think about that.

"Th-thanks," he said as he grabbed the cup. He then looked to her with concern. "Please tell me you were more careful with the kettle this time…"

A faint blush spread across Rei's cheeks. "I did not burn myself," she said as she retrieved the other cup.

"That's good." Shinji smiled. "I don't want you getting hurt, especially if it's for my sake."

He peered down into his cup. Looks okay, he thought. He closed his eyes, then took a long whiff, letting the tea's surprisingly pleasant aroma fill his senses. Smells nice, too. Well, here goes nothing…

Shinji took a short sip, then paused, wide-eyed, and followed it up with a much larger one.

"This is really good, Ayanami!"

"Thank you," she said, looking down. "I have been practicing."

They stood in silence for some time. Had it not been for the steady ticking of the analog clock and the occasional sip of tea, nothing would have been heard.

"So…" Shinji looked down at his drink, "…what did you want to see me for? You were kind of, um… brief on the phone."

"Brief" was an understatement. As glad as Shinji had been to receive her call, he felt more than a little disoriented once it had ended. She had asked if he could visit her apartment at 5:30PM—no elucidation as to what the meeting would be about, no idle chat, just that strange, contextless request.

"Y-yeah, I'd li—" was all he had managed to say before she had hung up. The entire exchange was over within seconds.

Rei took a sip of her tea, then set it down. She moved her left hand to wrap around her right forearm—this had become a habit of hers. "Ikari," she said, voice quavering somewhat, "when we held hands… how did you feel?"

Shinji put down his tea. Furrowing his brow, he brought his thumb and index finger to his chin.

How did he feel? He wasn't sure if he could put such a feeling to words. Something special had been shared between them in that moment—something Shinji wasn't sure he fully understood. It would be easy enough to trivialize it as two kids holding hands and nothing more, but he knew it was deeper than that.

Under normal circumstances, he would be too embarrassed, too ashamed to be open and honest about his feelings. After everything he and Rei had been through, however, he knew, if he could open up to anyone, he could open up to her. As difficult as it would be to find the right words, he would at least try. Ayanami deserved that much.

"I… don't know if this will make sense to you, but it felt almost…" Shinji grunted, closing his eyes, "…spiritual?"

He opened his eyes, then took a deep breath. "In that moment, everything else seemed so far away. All the confusion and anger I've been feeling… towards my father, the angels, myself… it was like it… didn't matter."

Shinji locked eyes with Rei.

"I was comfortable, I was at peace, I was… I was…"

His tanned fingers gently brushed against her cheek. Eyes widening, Rei shivered at his touch. She felt her heart thump away as heat rapidly spread across her face.

"…happy," he finally said with a smile. "Happy to be with you, Ayanami."

Self -consciousness suddenly hit Shinji like a ton of bricks. Blushing madly, he yanked his hand away from Rei then shut his eyes tight.

"S-sorry, Ayanami!" he said. "I d-didn't mean to get c-carried away like that!"

Shinji cursed himself internally. He was about to excuse himself, before he felt a light weight on his shoulder, followed by a gentle squeeze. He pried his eyelids apart, and much to his relief, the sight that greeted him was a pleasant one—Rei's hand rested on his shoulder, gently caressing it. She was comforting him. Shinji's eyes grew moist.

"Do not apologize," Rei said, her tone authoritative, though somehow still soft and soothing.

Shinji smiled again, though weakly. "M-maybe I do apologize a little too much…" he swallowed a lump in his throat, "…thanks for listening, Ayanami."

Rei smiled ever-so-slightly.

"So, uh, Ayanami… h-how did you feel when we held hands?"

Whatever uncertainty that had lingered in her heart had long vanished. Rei knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, just how she felt about this boy. Even if telling him would end up hurting them both, she could no longer deny her heart's desire. After all, love is as selfish as it is selfless—it's chaos and peace, pain and pleasure. It's altogether discordant and contradictory.

"There is much in this world I do not understand." Moving her hand from his shoulder, Rei covered Shinji's right hand with both of hers. "Such as love."

"A-Ayanami?"

"My heart trembles in your presence. It pains in your absence." Rei breathed deeply. "In my moments alone, I find myself… longing for your company."

She traced her thumb along the back of Shinji's hand. He whimpered softly.

"I did not fully understand why this was, but in that moment our hands touched… there was clarity."

Shinji shakily placed his left hand on top of Rei's—regretfully putting a stop to her little thumb massage. His gut was telling him what she was going to say next, but his mind absolutely refused to accept it. Any thought of that four-letter word was met with an impenetrable wall of resistance and was shut down immediately.

Rei and Shinji were both silent for several moments.

"I…" Rei breathed out, "…love you, Shinji."

Shinji went still, his breathing labored. Was he sweating? No… he couldn't be, he felt so cold. Then why did he feel so wet? Why was his throat so dry? Why did his head hurt? Why did his body ache? Why was everything so blurry? Why did he feel like crying?

Rei watched his unmoving form. The apartment was dead-quiet, save for the constant tick, tick, ticking of the analog clock. As seconds passed, the torturous atmosphere grew more and more unbearable.

Tick

Tick

Tick

Rei removed her hands from Shinji's.

"I know what I am doing is selfish," she said, almost whispering.

She then blinked. What was that… wetness she just felt? She blinked once more.

Tears…? Rei thought to herself. Am I… crying?

"I… do not know what the future holds for either of us," she continued, her voice trembling. "There are factors beyond our control that could alter our lives in irrevocable ways."

She sniffled.

Shinji's breathing started to normalize. He blinked several times as he shook his head.

"I also… understand if you do not feel the sa—"

Finally brought back to his senses, Shinji wouldn't let her finish that thought. With one swift motion, he snatched Rei's pale lips in a clumsy kiss.

What am I doing?! he internally screamed. What the hell am I doing?!

Rei's initial shock from Shinji's gesture didn't take long to wear off. She moved her hands to caress Shinji's cheeks, then returned the kiss with as much vigor as she could muster. If an onlooker had been nearby, they probably would have thought that the display was awkward and sloppy, but what on earth did that matter? Those nervous, messy, inexperienced kisses are always the most memorable. How long did theirs last? 10 seconds? 20? 30? A minute? Neither of the two were certain.

Once they parted from each other, they both took several small breaths. Shinji brushed his thumbs against Rei's cheeks, wiping away whatever tears he could—not once tearing his eyes away from hers.

I know it's the lamest line there is, he thought, but even so… I really could get lost in those eyes…

"I… I'm scared of a lot of things," Shinji said, his voice tremulous. "No, not scared—terrified. Every day I wake up could be my last. Even if I do survive this war, I have no idea where my life is going—or the world for that matter."

Despite himself, he smiled.

"B-but, with you by my side, I feel… hopeful… strong even. I want us to experience a life worth living. One where we aren't burdened by Angels or Eva. And I believe that that kind of life… is something we can both have—sometime, somehow."

Closing his eyes, Shinji touched his forehead to Rei's. He pressed his palms against hers, their fingers entwining soon after.

The feeling of his skin against hers, the gentleness of his touch, his warmth… after years of emotional detachment and isolation, this was all so invigorating for Rei. Likewise, the closeness of someone who cared for him, someone who loved him, provided a comfort Shinji would never take for granted.

"Even if that kind of life is just a hopeless fantasy, I think… that as long we have each other… e-even the lives we're stuck with now are worth living."

Shinji opened his eyes. His mouth opened to continue, but he suddenly hesitated. A memory, one from not long ago, had resurfaced. Shinji's smile fell to a frown.

"You know," he said, "I remember a conversation I had with Mr. Kaji before I was absorbed…"

Shinji pulled his head away from Rei's.

"He said that because of the things we had done… the mistakes we'd made… that neither of us deserved happiness. I didn't really know how to feel about all that…"

Rei's grip on Shinji's hands loosened.

"I'm not sure if I deserve happiness… but does anyone? Do any of us really deserve anything?"

Rei regarded him with a look of mild curiosity.

"Maybe it's not that I deserve happiness and should just expect it, but that I should pursue it—earn it." Shinji's expression hardened. "That might not be what Mr. Kaji meant, but right now, here with you… I'm happy. And I'm not going to let myself ruin that."

He sighed, smiling again as he released Rei's hands.

"I..."

He swallowed.

"...love you, Rei."

Rei flung her arms around Shinji, capturing him in a warm embrace. His arms gently wrapped around her delicate frame. She nestled her face in the crook of his neck. It was then and there, holding the girl he loved, when Shinji first felt true purpose. And it was then and there, in the secure embrace of the boy she loved, when Rei first felt truly whole.

What followed were two whispers, spoken in perfect harmony.

"Thank you."