Chapter 19: Help

Ruby

"She's not answering…" I grumbled.

I rested my chin on the table and let my arms spread straight out, holding the scroll while I willed it to make Taylor's reply appear.

"It's Taylor, I'm sure she's fine," Yang remarked with a wave of her hand, a cold drink in the other.

"But she always answers me, like right away!" Straight away! Except for that time I texted her about her arm… and her sword… and her gun… Okay, maybe not all the time. "You don't think anything would have happened, right?"

"She probably just got held up with whatever she was doing. It hasn't been that long, anyway." It's been a super long time, I think. Besides, she isn't answering any messages! "Taylor's perfectly capable of handling herself, regardless," Weiss stated.

But that look Taylor had before she left…

The heel of my foot bounced rapidly as I sent another message.

Come on Taylor…

"Rubes! Slow your roll! You're shaking the table!" Yang stated, lifting her drink so that it stopped vibrating with my leg.

"Sorry! I just feel like something's up."

"I'm sure Taylor is okay, but if you're worried, we can go check on her. She's just in the park," Blake said.

"Right on! Let's go— wait, how did you know where she was?" I asked.

Blake sheepishly turned away and slipped her scroll into her pocket. A small flush spread across her pale face. Awwwwww, she was already checking on the location of Taylor's scroll.

"Okay, I'm going to run off ahead—I'll see you guys there," I stated quickly before zipping off toward the park.

I heard Weiss cry out behind me, but I was already down the street and leaping up onto the roofs for a quicker route.

Oops, I didn't pay for my drink… Weiss will get it.

My Semblance helped me reach the outskirts of the park in just a couple of minutes. I hoped that I wouldn't get in trouble for jumping across the rooftops.

I checked my scroll and Taylor was still in the park. So, I headed straight in her direction and—

Why am I going this way?

Glancing around, I noticed that I had somehow had turned and gone around the park instead of into it.

Huh.

I jumped down to the street level and made sure that I was on a street that was a straight line to the park. I rushed down it, only to find myself suddenly down a side street heading away from the park.

How? I was moving straight to it… is someone using their Semblance?

The cold hand of fear brushed down my spine.

Taylor's in trouble!

I leapt back onto the rooftops and got close enough that I knew I could make it in one jump. I faced toward the middle of the park before I got down into a sprinter's position. My Semblance erupted through me and the feeling of suddenly being propelled forward heightened each of my movements as I rocketed off the roof with a mighty bound.

My rose petals flooded the air behind me as I slowly began to drop into the park.

Even if someone's using some kind of Semblance to keep people away, they can't change my direction in mid-air!

The park flew by beneath me and I quickly overshot where I was aiming for.

Oops, too fast—

I did not squeal as I crashed through a series of branches, and I did not land butt first onto a rose bush.

After a moment of not picking thorns out of me and peeling leaves and sticks out of my hair, I brought out my scroll to check Taylor's location.

Annnnnnndddddddd she's left the park.

I groaned out loud and moved to follow her. At first, Taylor was only a couple of blocks away, but her signal was moving pretty fast from the park, like she was running...

Oh no! She's being chased!

I sent a quick message to Yang to get everyone to hurry. My finger hovered over the button to call my locker with Crescent Rose in it.

I don't have time to wait… but what can I do without Crescent Rose?

"Aaaarrrggghhhhh!" I shouted out loud in frustration before I started after Taylor. What was the point in Taylor always beating me up if I didn't actually use those hand-to-hand lessons?!

Taylor headed further from away from the crowded streets as I quickly caught up to her.

I caught a brief glimpse of her before she veered around a corner into an alley.

Taylor didn't look hurt, and I didn't notice anyone chasing her. What I did see worried me way more.

I reached the mouth of the alley and saw that it was a dead-end. Taylor ran straight up to it and slammed her fist against the wall before she crumpled down against the wall. She sluggishly turned around so that she was seated, leaning against the wall.

I took a step into the alley and noticed the giant spider that was on the wall. My hand shot over my mouth to cover my scream. Then I saw another… and another… Oh god, there were so many spiders.

They didn't do anything though; they just sat there, perfectly still.

Huh, I thought the CCT did that thing that bugs didn't like so they wouldn't stay in town? Not the time, Ruby—focus.

Taylor had brought one knee up to her chest but didn't move to acknowledge me or do anything at all.

I opened my mouth to say something but gasped instead as a grey humanoid flashed into existence between Taylor and I. It looked like it was made of a million vibrating motes of light, but as it moved it produced no sound, like an eerie phantom or something. It ran at Taylor, its long hair flying behind it as it went.

"Taylor!" I screamed in alarm and bolted forward.

It had appeared too close to Taylor and even with my Semblance, I knew I wasn't going to get to her first.

"Don't you touch her!"

Instead of heading directly at Taylor, the figure smashed its fist against the wall beside her. The impact cracked the brickwork where Taylor hand already hit it before it slumped down, just like Taylor had, before it moved into Taylor's body and seemed to overlap with her. I watched the outline of the figure move slightly off where Taylor was positioned before it seemed to fade away.

I tried to skid to a stop, but my hands slammed into the wall painfully anyway.

At least it wasn't my face.

"Taylor, are you okay? What happened? You didn't answer your scroll…" I trailed off as I noticed her expression.

She looked so… lifeless. Two trails of tears that had already stopped ran from her eyes. Her usual serious face was gone, instead, there was just nothing there. I hated it.

I stood there, frozen, not sure what I should do. It was Taylor. I couldn't even imagine anything that could do this to her.

"Ruby, I… I don't know what I'm doing anymore," Taylor stated tonelessly, breaking me away from my hesitation. She didn't move her gaze from the ground in front of her as she talked.

"What do you mean? Taylor, what happened?"

"I wanted to do better, but I don't think I can. I just make the same mistakes, push people away, ignore others to do what I want." Where was this coming from? "I… I found out I killed Brian." She killed someone?! Who was Brian—her old boyfriend. Oh no.

"Oh Taylor," I said sorrowfully.

I didn't believe her when she said she killed someone. Taylor wouldn't do something like that, but she obviously felt like she had and that was just as bad.

She hadn't started crying again, but I started to feel tears prick at my own eyes. I crouched down and hugged her.

I didn't think hugs would fix this, no matter how much I wanted them to. I… I didn't know what else to do. How could I even help her with something like that?

"The thing is… I'm not even surprised. Not really. But…" She was trembling now, but I realize it wasn't in sadness as she shot up out of my grasp and began to pace furiously. "God damn it! I shouldn't be feeling like this! It's fucking hypocritical! I knew, I knew what I was doing. I knew the consequences. Other people died." What? "Why the fuck is this what gets to me. It was always like this. I was always like this. I shouldn't be surprised, it was all so fucking obvious if you just take a fucking second to look at every choice I've made! God damn motherfucker! I shouldn't— I should have— I… I just…" Taylor's breathing grew ragged and harsh as she spat every word like a curse aimed at herself. "But… still… I killed him. I did all those things." Her fury drained away and she returned to her state of self-defeat. "It was never just Skitter, or Weaver, or Khepri…" What is she talking about? "It was all me… and I…" Each word grew wearier and more condemning. She slowly slumped and leaned against the wall.

Say something, say anything! Encourage her, support her, get her mind off it for a moment! Anything that could help!

"You, uh, erm, you unlocked your Semblance!" I blurted out and immediately smacked myself in the face. Changing the subject was not the way to help.

"I felt it… A Semblance based on me repeating my own actions, how appropriate." For an instant, there was a razor edge of hatred in her voice before it disappeared completely. "Even my own soul is telling me that I can't change." No no no, bad. Not what I wanted.

An impact hit the street and I turned to see a panting Blake standing above a small crater with frantic fury in her eyes. Her hands were out as though she was ready to fight. As soon as she saw us she let out a heavy breath and let her hands down. Then she noticed Taylor and a new worry replaced her relief.

"Taylor, are you okay? Ruby, what happened? Did the White Fang attack?" Blake asked as she hurried toward us, alert and ready to fight. I saw a slight limp in her step. She must have rushed here less safely than she should have.

"I-I don't really know. Taylor's…" Unresponsive. "She wasn't attacked from what I can tell. She said that…" Should I say it? That Taylor thinks she killed her old boyfriend? "Nothing… she didn't mention anything. I just found her like this…" I'll tell them when we get back… yeah.

"Okay…" She looked at Taylor for a long moment. "Let's get her back to our room," Blake said as she placed a hand on Taylor's back and slowly began to lead her forward. Taylor didn't resist or comment. I didn't know if she was lost in thought or just in shock.

—

The trip back to Beacon felt like an eternity. After explaining to Weiss and Yang about what happened and trying to answer their questions, a tense silence filled the air that none of us dared to break.

After her initial concern, Weiss had been glancing at Taylor with a confused expression, like she was struggling with something. I wanted to ask her about it, she was my partner after all so I was the best person to talk to her, but I decided to wait till later when… things were less intense.

Yang was keeping a weird distance from Taylor, which I didn't get. We were all friends and teammates so why wasn't she trying to help?! Yang always worked to cheer me up when I was feeling down, but now she was just sitting there and letting us do all the work!

Other students noticed us as we slowly made our way down the halls in a group, guarding Taylor from all sides. Well, except for Yang who was dragging behind us slightly.

After we turned the corner to dorm building, I saw a blond boy making his way leisurely toward us, his hands resting on the back of his head as he walked. It was nice to see someone with an easygoing smile, despite it feeling out of place right now.

"Yo, you're team RWBYT, right? Taylor's team?" Then he picked out Taylor and his smile dropped. "Hey, Taylor get hurt beating up more baddies? I thought we were gonna do the crime-fighting thing together?" he said disappointedly. "You need help getting her to the med bay?" He then saw Blake and gave her a weird wink for some reason. "Hey, I haven't seen you before—"

Blake cut him off with a look that sent shivers down my spine. "Piss off," she growled and just like that, she had dismissed the blond boy from her life and focused on helping Taylor.

He flinched away from her and Yang stepped up. "Now's not the best time," Yang stated.

I gave him a little wave before continuing along with Taylor, who didn't react to the conversation at all.

Weiss moved ahead to open our dorm for us, but Taylor pulled away toward team JNPR's door. Before we could say anything, Taylor gave a half-hearted knock on the door. Everyone shared a concerned look before the door opened to reveal Jaune in casual clothes, the rest of team JNPR lounging behind him.

"Oh, hey guys, what's…" Jaune trailed off as he noticed Taylor's state. "What happened?" he asked seriously, concern and shock evident in his voice.

"Taylor!" Pyrrha shouted and was next to Jaune in an instant. "What's wrong? What happened?!"

"Ren," Taylor snapped, not looking up from staring at her feet. "I need you to use your Semblance on me."

Pyrrha covered her mouth and I saw the pain in her eyes, pain from seeing a friend like this.

"Taylor, I… I don't think—" Ren started, worry breaking the usual calm cadence of his speech.

"Ren!" Taylor interrupted fiercely. Then slowly, Taylor raised her head to look at them. Her expression almost broke me. "Please," she calmly begged.

Ren looked around to his team; Jaune gave him an unsure nod, Pyrrha was only focused on Taylor as she fought with herself on what to do, and for the first time, there was no grin on Nora's face. The rest of team RWBYT stood helplessly behind Taylor with mixed expressions of apprehension.

Carefully, Ren approached Taylor and put a hand on her shoulder. The colors of both her and Ren's clothing shifted into a duller shade and Taylor seemed to immediately become… stronger. That was the word I would use, and it made me feel queasy to do so.

More silence, more waiting, more not being able to help.

"Taylor?" Pyrrha asked cautiously, daring to inch closer. "Are you okay? Wha-what happened?" Pyrrha was pleading almost.

"I found out that I was responsible for the death of one of my closest friends," she stated serenely. "Among other things." I winced at how casual she'd said it. Everyone else stiffened too; Ren almost let go of Taylor by how taken aback he was. "It's fine. He's not the first person I've killed." Everyone stopped. "...I can't just be better than them, I am them. They always were, I just didn't want to acknowledge it. How can I trust myself to do better when I'm the problem?" Taylor continued calmly, almost jokingly in her bitterness toward herself. "I… shouldn't be in control of how I do this."

"I… I think that's enough, Taylor. I'm going to let go," Ren warned as he slowly retracted his hand.

The moment Ren's Semblance deactivated Taylor gasped from the weight of whatever she was feeling and Pyrrha's arms were around her. Taylor softly leaned into the hug and gently placed her head on Pyrrha's shoulder. I joined the embrace immediately after.

I almost wished she was sobbing. That would have been better than this.

More arms wrapped around us as we huddled together, half in the hallway and half in team JNPR's room. All of us held Taylor with all the warmth we could, not knowing how else to help.

If there was one thing I could accomplish with my life, I'd make sure that my friends never had to go through something like this.

Never again.

We were eventually able to lead Taylor to her bed. She had softly stated that she was tired, and no one disturbed her as she got under her covers and drifted to sleep.

We'd left team JNPR in their room, looking pretty worried. We promised we'd call them over once Taylor had rested, and they'd decided that giving her space was for the best. Pyrrha looked like she hated the decision, but I didn't think she knew what else she could do. None of us did.

I braced myself for the interrogation I'd expected everyone was going to give me, but it didn't come.

Blake had wordlessly elected to stay in the room with Taylor. Yang said she was going to take a walk to clear her head, which I didn't get. We should have been talking about how we could help Taylor! I got why Blake wanted to watch over Taylor, but Yang just left! I wasn't very happy about it, on top of the whole mountain of unhappy I was already feeling.

That left Weiss and me in the floor's lounge to talk about what happened, but we ended up just sitting beside each other in silence. We snuck glances at one another, waiting for the other to start.

Things aren't going to get better if I don't do something!

"What are you thinking about?" That's a start, I guess.

"I… I was thinking about my sister, Winter," Weiss stated.

"Aren't you worried about Taylor?" I asked, but then flinched when it came out like an accusation.

"Of course I am, you dolt," she rebuked casually. It was her regular Weissy self, except with a sprinkle of sadness, but my words were sprinkled as well... that thought made more sense in my head. "I didn't realize it before, but I thought of her and Taylor as being similar. They're both strong, independent, and work toward what they want to achieve with strident devotion." Weiss never talked about anyone like that unless they were really great. "Seeing Taylor like this… so… hurt under her regular demeanor. I can't help but wonder if Winter is like that too. Hiding her pain, regrets, or faults under a mask. Leaving it there until one day the mask gets ripped off. Maybe I didn't see it before because I was so focused on the aspects I admired about her. I'm worried that I missed signs that Taylor needed help because I didn't think someone so put together would have them. If that's the case, then I've done the same to my sister." I should have been the one to see the signs. I'm supposed to be the team leader… "And now that I know there's a problem… I don't know what to do," she admitted.

I took a deep breath and leaned into Weiss, who blustered but didn't move away. Progress. "Taylor… we both lost our mothers and… when I see her I see who I might have been if I didn't have Dad or Yang with me when it all happened. She was like a robot at first! She didn't react to jokes or anything. I just want to help her in some way, but I can't. Because she's taking care of me, of us, of a bunch of teams at Beacon. Not doting on us but trying to make us better Huntresses. I wanted all of us to be heroes when we became a team, yet Taylor has done more to make us heroic than I could ever hope to. But, I don't think I've helped her very much and…" I began to sniffle, and trying to hold it in wasn't helping. "I want to help her more. To be better friends. To be Huntresses together! With all of team RWBYT. I feel like Taylor's taken so much on herself and I'm just sitting on the sidelines." I wiped my eyes with my sleeves to clear up the moisture clouding my eyes. "And now I'm sitting here crying instead of doing something and—"

"It's okay Ruby."

"No, it isn't! I'm supposed to be the one who helps with this kind of thing. I'm—"

"It's okay." But it wasn't. "I'm your partner Ruby. If you can't do it… then we'll figure out how to do it together."

…That's right. We're team RWBYT.

I looked up at Weiss; she was looking slightly embarrassed and growing more so as I watched her. Then, I gave her my biggest hug yet.

"Oh Weiss!"

"Gah!"

Together, we can help.

Yang

My walk hadn't helped loosen the knot of unease gnarled within me, so I just headed back to the dorm. Hopefully, things had calmed down a little.

I knew I shouldn't have walked off, but what else was there to do? It wasn't like we could have helped her.

Taylor was a murderer, by her own words. Except, that wasn't all she was. She always helped others work better together, even though she did everything by herself. She spent her time brainstorming how combinations of Semblances could best be used. She'd helped Blake with her problems, and Ruby with how to lead a team in the field.

I couldn't stop my grimace as I thought of Taylor advising Ruby. Before it had been great. Now… I didn't like the idea of a murderer teaching my little sis… but it was Taylor, the responsible influence, after me, naturally, for the team.

Well, I thought she was, at least.

I realized it with how Taylor helped Blake when I couldn't. Sometimes, you can't fix a problem no matter how much you try. This was one of those times. Taylor had killed people, was a former criminal, and obviously had other issues.

Can we help her? None of us are exactly equipped for something like this.

Ruby was great at being there for everyone she cared about, but I doubted that this was something smiles and joy could fix. Weiss was all about Taylor, not in the fun way, but I could see Weiss justifying Taylor's actions to herself. Not a good start. I… I wanted to be able to help Taylor… but I couldn't do it.

That left Blake.

I opened the door to our room but stayed in the doorway. Blake was sitting on a chair a bit off of where Taylor was sleeping with a book in her hand.

I mouthed 'want to talk' at Blake, who glanced at Taylor before quietly closing her book and passing me into the hallway. I gently closed the door behind her and followed.

Ruby and Weiss were in the lounge, but I moved ahead of Blake and purposely went by them. The two were talking, but I didn't catch any of it. Blake raised an eyebrow but didn't comment. I wanted to get her say on things before talking to the others.

We settled on an empty classroom. I made sure it was a different one than the one we had talked in the last time we had a serious conversation.

"Sooooo," I drawled. "Thoughts?"

"Eloquent," Blake remarked.

"Sorry, can't think of a better way to do it right now."

"I get it." Blake sat down on top of one of the desks. "I think all we can do is wait, so that she knows we're there for her when she's ready to talk."

That was surprising. "You want to just wait? Don't you have questions? Shouldn't we be doing something?" Or maybe it should be someone else.

"Taylor didn't force me to open up when I was going after the White Fang. She told me what she knew, offered to help, and that was it. I was the one who chose to talk about what I had done. She gave that to me. That's why I'll wait for her, as long as she needs." Well, I guess Blake isn't going to be a good option for helping either.

"Just waiting isn't going to do anything for her, Blake. I couldn't do anything for you and it sucked." Blake looked away from me. "Taylor was there to help you but what if she wasn't? Was I just supposed to wait for you to talk after? When would that have been? After you got killed by the White Fang because you went after them alone or in the hospital because you worked yourself half to death!" I was still a bit angry about all that. "She needs help and being there for her isn't going to be enough. She needs people who can actually help her. To get away from all this and deal with whatever shit she has."

"You don't think we can help her?" she questioned.

"This is a bit above something we can deal with. She's a murderer, Blake. That's… a whole lot of stuff and none of it good."

"I was a criminal too, Yang."

"Don't try comparing what you did to actually killing people."

"We haven't even heard why she did it! How could you judge her before she even had a chance to talk!" Our words were getting faster, sharper, and louder.

"Because it wasn't her first-time killing, Blake! Taylor didn't make it sound like it was her second or third time either. I get being in a bad spot and having to… well, having to do what you gotta do, but how many times can you do that before it becomes a habit?"

"Sometimes, you end up doing bad things even when you're trying to do good. We haven't heard what the circumstances were to say if they were actually bad or not," she defended.

"I think killing is definitely in the 'obviously bad' category."

"Huntsmen kill people too, Yang."

"But they're only supposed to do that for designated individuals. So, unless Taylor was making friends with extremely dangerous people, I don't know if she had an excuse."

"So, that's it? We should just shuttle her off to someone else?" Blake stood up with her words.

"I'm saying that maybe we shouldn't have to make ourselves get used to tolerating killing just so that we can help Taylor when we really can't help her with this!"

Blake glowered at me and spoke in a quiet voice that pierced the air. "I'm going to be there for my friend, Yang. You better decide if you will too." With that, she stalked out of the classroom, the door slamming loudly behind her the only indication of her anger.

I stood alone in the classroom, trying to hold in my frustrations until I thought Blake was far enough away to not hear them.

"Damn it!" I finally let out, my Semblance bursting to life in flaming wisps as my fist hammered through a desk.

This wasn't about not being there for Taylor, it was about actually helping her!

I hurried to one of the practice areas and went straight up to one of the punching bags. I let loose on the thing, not holding back in the least.

The bag ripped off its stand after five minutes, so I moved onto the next one. After that one broke as well, I felt better.

We were just a bunch of kids at school, trying to learn to beat up bad guys and Grimm. Taylor needed help from someone who could deal with stuff like this. Taylor needed therapy and maybe a vacation. Something to actually get her to have a bit of enjoyment instead of dealing with terrorist members and other serious shit.

God knows being happy for a bit would probably help her out, and she wasn't doing that here.

Taylor

My sleep was restless at best. I felt sore and anxious as my eyes fluttered open. I vaguely remembered a nightmare, but I couldn't remember anything about it, only that it was bad.

I hoped it wasn't more nightmares from Earth Bet. Those had finally quieted down and I had been enjoying my dreamless nights.

Everyone else was already up and in their uniforms, meandering around the room but watching me cautiously as I moved to get ready.

"Morning Taylor," Ruby said. She sounded like she was hoping for a good reaction.

"Morning," I replied, weaker than intended. My response made Ruby's face light up.

They were worried and probably wanted to know what happened. I wasn't sure what I was going to say. I hadn't fully processed everything yet either.

"Taylor, do you want to take the day off?" Yang asked, though it felt like a suggestion.

"I…" That sounded great, honestly. "I think I would."

"Okay, we'll see you after classes today," Yang stated before heading off.

Everyone waved as they left. Blake hesitated by the door and brought out her scroll and nodded to me. A silent 'call me for anything' and then the door closed.

I laid back down and stared at the ceiling, thankful for the silence and solitude.

It was an escape really, from everything. Then again, everything started from me wanting to escape. I had gone out that night looking for an escape. I continued following the path I did because I found worth in that escape. Maybe I valued that feeling enough that, when I started to find people I cared about, I pursued that feeling even if it meant pushing away the things I began to treasure.

I realized that, and I wanted to do better. Be better to everyone I cared about, and to not make the same mistakes again.

But I had been thinking about things wrongly. I knew that now.

I had made terrible decisions throughout different stages of my life, and I compartmentalized them. I thought of them as being… separate people, almost. Taylor, Skitter, Weaver, Khepri. It made it easier, easier to justify what I had done and move on if I just thought of it as that specific stage in my life.

Now, I saw the common thread through all of them.

I closed my eyes and moved my bugs throughout Beacon's vents, hid them in rafters, and scurried them into the various hiding places I had found.

It had taken time to build up enough bugs to adequately cover most of Beacon. My swarm was now into the billions and growing. Rapier Wasp hives were strong enough to act as support beams, something I made extensive use of in the underground tunnels I had made them dig out.

My insects trickled into their positions and I listened. I missed a lot most of the time thanks to what the bugs could make out, but I caught enough to work with. I normally only took note of anything that might be important. Today, I really took in the everyday conversation.

There was no real reason behind it, no introspection, nothing interesting that was being said.

It was all… naïve and aimless chatter, but still, I just laid back and listened.

Classes finished and my team was talking, arguing about how or if they should approach me.

I didn't mind talking with them about it. I knew I would need to ask them… Well, as soon as I knew what it was, then I'd ask them.

The door opening slightly and a pair of silver eyes peeped in. I was sitting up and staring right at them through the crack.

I heard a yelp from Ruby as she was startled, then a series of dull thuds that created a tangle of limbs.

"You clumsy—"

"I didn't mean to!"

"This is not how I pictured this would go."

They shuffled into the room, each nursing a different body part.

Blake went to her bed and grabbed a book, moving to her usual reading posture, except she tilted her book slightly so that I could see her eyes. It was just enough that she could watch me and read. She had been my silent guardian since yesterday, and I didn't know how I'd thank her for it.

Then again, I should thank them all. For a lot of things.

Ruby was obviously trying to put on a happy smile, but worry slipped through.

Weiss cut through the heart of the matter as soon as she finished brushing off the dust from their tumble.

"Taylor." Everyone else stiffened and looked at Weiss with gazes that were wordlessly shouting 'what are you doing?!' "I… I wanted to ask you about what you said last night."

"We shouldn't force her to talk, Weiss. It's only been a day, she can talk to us at her own pace," Blake stated firmly, her book abandoned.

"But we can't help unless we know what's wrong," Ruby protested, moving to Weiss's side.

"Ruby, this may be a bit more complicated than just trying to comfort Taylor," Yang said.

"I know that! But we can't just do nothing!"

"Sometimes, you have to do just that…" Yang stated somberly.

"No! I'm not going to just sit here and wait. Taylor is my friend and I want to—"

"It's not always that simple Ruby!" Yang snapped back, anger rumbling in her voice.

"What did you want to ask me, Weiss?" I asked, my voice softer than I meant it to be, but the quiet words seemed to cut through the sisters' argument.

"Oh, um…" Weiss looked nervous now. "You said you had… killed people. I wanted you to elaborate on that." Her voice grew quieter and less confident as she continued.

I didn't even hesitate, didn't even think to. "I have killed more people than just Brian. I guess it started when I was sixteen, with a man named Thomas Calvert. He was the first person I killed."

"Why did you do it?" Yang asked with an edge of severity. Her eyes were full of disapproval.

"…There were lots of reasons. He wasn't a good person, and he wouldn't have stopped doing bad things otherwise."

"That's it? He was a bad guy so you killed him? No other choice?"

"There was a young girl with a very useful Semblance," I began. "Calvert kidnapped her and got her addicted to drugs so that he could use her addiction to coerce her into using her power for him. He had maneuvered to become the head of the local police force, as well as moonlighting as the head of the local gangs. Couldn't report him to the authorities, and he was trying to kill my friends and me."

"A-are you serious? Someone really did that?" Ruby asked, shocked and scared.

"Killing isn't something I've ever thought I would do, right until I got into the situation where I did it. I would say I was forced to do it, but mostly I thought it was the best or only thing I could do in some of the circumstances. I'm not saying what I did was justified or right. Some of them weren't. But… I don't regret killing Calvert. Out of all the deaths I've caused, I don't regret that one."

"Fuck," Yang muttered. "I knew it would be complicated, but fuck." Yang moved up to me, her expression easing into something that resembled sympathy, and also silent judgment. "Taylor, I think you should go into therapy or something. Maybe even…" She looked away guiltily. "Maybe even get away from Beacon for a while."

"Yang!" Ruby yelled before I could respond, angry at the perceived betrayal.

"Look, this isn't something we're equipped to help with. Not something that we should be helping with." Yang looked at me. "I don't mean it to sound like I'm trying to get rid of you or that you should stop being a Huntress, but I think you would be better off getting help with a professional or something. Taking some time away from here."

"No! Yang, we're not gonna just leave Taylor on her own! I get that this is complicated and I don't know what to do but that's all the more reason we have to stick with her!" Ruby argued passionately.

"Ruby, you don't understand—"

"Yang," I interrupted. The blonde's stern expression flashed with guilt as she stopped to let me speak. "I get what you're saying, more than you know… but even after this, after everything, I can't stop trying to make a difference. Even if it's hard or bad for me, I don't think I'd be able to take a vacation or anything when I could be working toward something." Yang's frown deepened and pity grew in her eyes.

For a moment, Yang just stared at me sadly. "Taylor… I don't think you're ever going to be happy like this," Yang finally said.

"Maybe," I answered. "But you are right, I should talk to somebody. Therapy… well, I think it would be good."

"I think so too," Yang answered.

Ruby sputtered, trying to formulate words. Her whole body moved between confusion, anger at her sister, hesitance toward me, and a few other emotions that shifted too fast for me to properly read them.

"Um," Weiss muttered. "Do you mind us asking what happened with your—with Brian?"

I really didn't. If anything, I was tired. Tired of needing something like this to show me that I had been ignoring all my little faults and mistakes, right until they became something bigger. I didn't want to have to need something like this every time I needed to change myself.

"I found out that I'd caused his death. That made me realize a lot of other… similarities in some of the things I regret that I hadn't really acknowledged," I stated.

"I see." I didn't think she really understood, but her expression told me she understood enough to be satisfied. "Thank you… and Taylor, we're…" Weiss faltered, looking away as she looked like she was searching for what to say.

"We're here for you, whatever you need. However we can help, just ask," Ruby answered for her. Weiss nodded in agreement.

'Just ask'.

"I…" I petered off. I tried to find the words to say what I wanted, what I needed to ask. None came. "Thank you."

The rest of the day passed in relative silence. Everyone tried accommodating me in their own ways, but I didn't leave my bed, so there wasn't much they were able to try and help me with.

My mind dragged me from one decision to the next, trying to find out what I should have done, where I went wrong, and what to do next. Eventually, I drifted off into slumber.

I awoke from an uncomfortable sleep, feeling more groggy and tired than I should have. Another nightmare filled night. I could almost taste the salt water and iron from my dreams. I hadn't dreamed of the oilrig for a long time, though it was appropriate right now.

I tried to move but felt an irregular weight on my right side, and something wrapped around my left hand. I looked down and saw the sleeping face of Ruby. She was sprawled over me, tangled in my blanket and her own. She had a dopey face as she slept. On my other side, I found Blake sitting on a chair, having fallen asleep sitting there while holding my hand.

For a long moment, I couldn't think. I could only take in the scene.

They're so much better than me, without even trying.

I froze again, for a different reason.

Maybe that's it. I can't rely on just myself to do this. I have to rely on others.

I let Ruby's rhythmic breathing soothe me, and before I realized, I found myself asleep again.

No one said anything when I opted to take another day off.

Blake and Ruby were too red-faced to say anything anyway. Both had been surprised by the other when they woke up to Yang taking a picture of all of us.

Apparently, Blake had fallen asleep there first, and Ruby hadn't seen her there in the dark, but both had noticed my troubled sleep. They had each tried to comfort me in their own way.

I spent most of the day thinking, not about what I wanted to do, but how I was going to do it. I read and stretched, but not much else. I was feeling restless, but I knew that I couldn't start doing anything until I figured things out, otherwise I would push my issues behind me again. I needed to deal with them now.

The others came back after their classes; Weiss had taken notes for me.

Team JNPR had asked how I was doing, but Ruby only shook her head in response.

That night, I caught Blake's eyes narrow as she set down her scroll. A brief glimpse of the screen told me it was an article that I had read earlier. It described Roman Torchwick's escape thanks to the aid of unknown assailants. I had suggested tips for dealing with Neo's Semblance, but I guessed the police didn't use them or they weren't enough.

Blake finished reading and bolted up, moving to leave before she slowed to a stop. She glanced at me, then to the door, before she quietly made her way back to her bed.

Part of me wanted to berate her for not going, for not heading out to deal with it; another part of me wanted to start searching for the criminal myself; and one last part was happy that she had stayed.

I would have gone, and I wasn't sure how I felt about myself for that.

I knew it. I can't learn to be better by myself.

An uncomfortable chill lightly ran down my back as I tried to prepare myself, but I couldn't gather the words or picture them in my head.

Again, I wordlessly covered myself in blankets and closed my eyes.

I woke up from another bad sleep with Weiss on my side. It was a bewildering sight to see the uppity heiress like that.

How were they like this?

The words I had been grasping for began to fall into place. I hoped they would form the blade from which to cut the thread that linked all of my regrets.

Weiss's groggily opened her eyes and they met mine.

I watched as her face went from confusion, to realization, to embarrassment.

"This was— I mean— I didn't— don't tell the others," she stated with a blushing finality, only to freeze when she heard the click of a photo being taken.

Yang beamed triumphantly as she looked at her scroll.

"Wow, you somehow managed to sleep with the entire team except me," Yang remarked with a straight face that almost immediately broke into a laughing smirk when I met her eyes.

"Tha— Yang Xiao Long, you better not be implying what I think you are," Weiss huffed with a growing blush.

"Really, cause your hair is still a mess after last night."

"It's just messy from sleeping!"

"Exactly!" Yang shot back with a wink before she needed to hold her stomach to try and contain her laughter. Weiss's flush had covered her entire face.

I reached out a grabbed Weiss's hand. "Weiss, thank you."

"It was n-nothing worth mentioning." She turned away to hide her expression.

I wished she and the others knew just how grateful I was for them being who they were. Hopefully, as I worked through some things, I'd be able to express it to them.

Weiss sprang up from the bed, cleared her throat, and then went straight to get ready for the day while making sure not to look Yang and me in the eye.

Yang's laughter doubled and I joined in lightly. The blonde brawler smiled at me as she left to go for a run, and I didn't miss her look of relief as she took one last glance at me before heading off.

I grabbed my scroll and began typing, making sure to get all the sentences right. I felt dumb writing everything down, but I knew that saying it was going to be… tough, and any bit of help would be for the best.

Okay, okay. Do it tonight.

I was pacing the room, rehearsing what I was going to say in my head. Wordlessly, I practiced every cadence and inflection, but nothing felt right.

It wasn't fear or guilt, but I was brimming with an anxious pressure that only built as I waited for the rest of my team to finish their talk.

Another conversation about wanting to talk with me and another argument between them about how they wanted to do it.

Honestly, to know they were spending so much time for me…

Fuck… I'm acting like a kid. I'm only going to talk with some friends, it's nothing compared to an Endbringer or the end of the world.

I went through a round of breathing exercises.

After everything I've dealt with, this isn't scary.

The thought was the ax that I cleaved my nervousness with.

"H-hey Taylor, how's it going?" Ruby asked as she entered the room. Weiss slapped her forehead while Blake shook her head.

"That's how you start?" Weiss muttered in disbelief.

"I panicked," Ruby whispered back.

"I'm doing better." Ruby's face lit up with relief. "How was your day?"

"It was good! We got to meet some of the students from the other schools, which was cool."

"You didn't talk with any of them until they mentioned their weapons, Rubes…" Yang remarked.

"I did too!"

"That was because we already met Sun before, and he only talked with us to try and talk with Blake." Blake scowled lightly but didn't speak. "Yeah, Blake made that face and Sun left all sad, so you didn't even say anything to him afterward."

"Still counts!"

"Ruby! Do you remember the plan?" Weiss admonished.

"Oh, uh, yeah, ummm…" Ruby blanked, like she didn't know what to say.

That makes two of us, Ruby.

"Fine! I'll go first!" Weiss stated angrily as she grabbed a chair and sat opposite me, the others taking similar positions around me. Ruby looked guiltily at Weiss but didn't interrupt. "Alright, I wanted to say that… I understand that you've realized some… bad things about yourself, but I wanted you to know that I admire you regardless of any of that. Your tactical prowess, your professionalism, how dedicated you are to doing things right. That's the Taylor I know and respect, and I don't think she is a bad person in any form." There was a small flush, but it was overshadowed by her sincerity, her utter conviction about what she was saying. The others held their own stances of agreement and support, each unyielding in their own right.

There could never have been any expression a person could make that could have solidified my resolve more than the one they gave me then.

"Well, I admire you too, Weiss. Same with all of team RWBYT."

"Huh?" Weiss seemed honestly surprised. I didn't know if it was because of my shift in tone or from what I said.

I took a deep breath and brought out my scroll. I brought up the wall of text that I I had prepared earlier.

Huh, that is more than I remember writing… Better start, this is going to take a while.

"Weiss"—the girl sat straighter at her name—"you are so quick to see your mistakes and learn from them. I've always gone back and tried to justify what I've done, instead of taking responsibility and admitting my mistakes. It takes a big person to do something like that… bigger than me."

I had already gone off the script, which didn't help the nervous machinegun fire of my heartbeat. Getting annoyed at myself for already losing the calm I had just gathered didn't help either.

"Blake, you and I share a similar history." Blake gave me a slight nod. "But unlike me, you didn't separate yourself from your time in the White Fang. You carry it with you, always." Blake's ears curled down. "I isolated my time as a criminal from how I think of myself now. I thought of that person as someone else and based my progress on how I was different from her. Blake, you're moving forward with your regrets. It makes me see that maybe I can do that too."

Nothing I said felt right, like I wasn't saying enough to really describe what I wanted.

I'm doing this wrong, I'm screwing this up. The one thing I really wanted to get right!

Ruby's eyes were like a lighthouse beacon in a storm. I let myself fall into them, steadying myself so I could continue.

"Yang"—the blonde seemed surprised that she was being mentioned in all this—"you live your life for the sake of being happy, and making sure everyone in your life does the same. I don't think I'll ever be the type of person who can do that, but I envy someone who takes happiness so seriously in that way." Yang visibly bristled, but a touch of embarrassed pink slowly filled her cheeks.

My mouth was dry. I felt sweaty and hot, and the air couldn't have felt heavier.

"And Ruby… Every bad thing in my life has made me change who I was in hopes of preventing something like that happening again. But you, you're… pure. I didn't believe that someone like you could exist, because I never thought the world would allow for someone to keep that light for very long." Ruby shyly scratched her head and blustered with embarrassment. "Thank you, for being you, and for showing me that I was wrong."

My heart was a hammer and my chest was its anvil. I had never felt so sure I needed to do something and so unsure of how I was doing it in my entire life.

"I've been relying on myself to try and do better than I once did, to not make the same compromises and mistakes, but…"—I put on my mask, letting my features go blank and settling into a familiar stoic calm. I didn't want to, but I needed it. Just for a moment—" I can't trust myself with this. I keep… slipping back." My mask began to slip. "I can't keep doing things like I have been... So… could you help me… learn to do things better than I used to?"

Ruby was shedding tears like rain, unable to form words as she barrelled into me. She must have sensed how important this was to me and was showing it in her own way.

Blake moved beside me and placed a comforting hand on my shoulder. "Taylor, you… you never have to ask for something like that Taylor," Blake stated. Her grip on my shoulder was ironclad, matching the conviction in her words.

Weiss sat beside me. "I swear on my name, if I can do anything to help, I will." She opened her mouth again but slowly let it close. Instead, she chose to just sit beside me, her way of showing she was with me for this.

"Well, fuck. When you put it like that…" Yang said awkwardly. "I guess we're in this together coach, just, uh, put me into whatever spot on the field is best," she joked, but it didn't have the confidence behind it that she usually had with her humor.

I shed a few unbidden tears. Whether they were of relief, or of joy, or of gratitude, I wasn't sure.

Just one.

"Taylor, do you wanna play?" Ruby asked.

She always asked if I was interested, and I'd always said no.

"Sure," I said.

"That's okay, maybe next tiiiiiiii…" She held the last word in confusion as she processed what I said. "You said yes."

"I did."

"You want to play video games?" Not really.

"Why not?"

"Taylor wants to play video games," she said to herself rather than me. "I… I don't know where to go from here."

"I don't know any video games, so maybe just an easy one and we'll go from there?"

"O-okay, uhm, yeah. 'Gladiator Robot Ninja' it is!" She began thumbing through her scroll to find the game.

"That's not actually what's it called, is it?"

"No, it's actually 'Gladiator Robot Ninja: The Return of the Spacezilla' but that's a mouthful." Her face scrunched up. "And not anywhere as good as 'Gladiator Robot Ninja: The Final Clash'. There were like three sequels. Bunch of liars…" she added in a mutter.

One step at a time.

And maybe…

I watched as Nora put the impromptu funnel made out of a sheet of paper in her mouth while Yang and Ren stood beside her with two buckets of popcorn. Yang looked eager while Ren looked worried; Nora simply gave a thumbs up before tilting her head so that the funnel was upright. The pair began to pour the popcorn and I watched the kernels slowly vanish until there were none left. Yang double-checked her bucket in astonishment while Ren shook his head.

"Told you I could do it!" Nora announced happily.

"B-but how?" Yang asked.

"I stopped asking years ago," Ren stated quietly.

I had given team JNPR a shorter version of what had happened to me and why. They had been happy that I was feeling better. Ren and Nora had accepted it immediately, which raised questions about their past for me but I'd decided not to push. Jaune had been shy about it, saying that he'd been told stories about his grandpa so he knew what Huntsmen had to do sometimes. He had admitted to not having thought much about it, so I hoped he was now. As for Pyrrha...

I glanced at the Mistral champion, who gave me an uneasy smile before turning away to watch the movie.

We hadn't really spoken since I explained things to them, though not for lack of trying. Pyrrha seemed to try and avoid a direct conversation or would have others join in so that I couldn't talk with her alone.

I didn't know the exact problem, but I guessed it was something to do with me being a killer. I could only hope that she'd be able to get comfortable enough with who I was.

No, I'll talk with her about it. I can understand why she would be hesitant, I don't want that to come between us. Though, that's a conversation for later.

Ruby howled with laughter at something that happened on the screen.

It wasn't really a movie for me, which was why I had Blake next to me, so that I could read her book with her when the dumb slapstick sections of the movie came up.

It was nice, just spending time with people like this. Enjoying peace was something that had eluded me for some time.

Just maybe…

I can be better.

"How was it?" Yang asked.

"I was referred to someone more… experienced with people like me." Like retired Huntsmen and people with PTSD, I guessed.

"Shouldn't you just, you know, stick with one so that you actually start getting help?"

"Finding the right therapist is probably the most important part of the therapy process Yang. If you find the right one, then going to therapy becomes easier." If only there was a Jessica Yamada in this world.

"I guess you're right on that. I know I suggested it, but I don't really know much about the whole therapy thing."

"I would recommend it, especially with the lifestyle we live." Why I hadn't thought of suggesting it before is beyond me. "Being Huntresses will be a stressful job."

"But an exciting one," she remarked.

"One that could lead you into becoming someone like me, Yang," I stated seriously.

Yang stopped at that, but then smiled. "That's okay, if something like that happens, I'll have you all there to help deal with it," she said cheerfully.

Maybe that was it all along.

"I guess if it comes down to it, I'll kill the person for you then." Yang tripped and almost went headfirst into the hallway wall.

She glared at me with a look of accusation and disapproval, then I flashed her a smile. Then, she glared at me for a different reason.

"Oh, har har, you got me," Yang grumbled playfully. I just chuckled before we continued on.

I can be better.

Chapter 19 End

Author Notes:

Praise be to Juff. Juff is love, Juff is life.

Sorry this chapter was a late one! Oh god, a really late one. I got the chance to do an impromptu vacation to my parents, which turned into a week of helping them landscape. I also had to put up an ad for a new roommate… and ended up getting about 30 emails a day about it. So I was spending lots of time just doing showings. And the place I work at closed down, so I'm on the job hunt. So yeah, so much boring adulting. It might make the next chapter late too, but hopefully that's the last one it'll affect. And being jobless has really axed my productivity in writing for some reason.

Also, I've been distracted by another fic I'm playing at, and all of my ideas lately have been for that one instead of this one, which I want to write. It's been pretty annoying actually.

So, this isn't supposed to be a 'fix Taylor' chapter. Taylor's been trying to 'do better' but this is her realizing that the best thing for her is to give up control of the situation to others so that she can accomplish that goal. The change is moderate, but will come out subtly (If I can write good). It's the beginning of the recovery process. Only like two weeks pass during the skips at the end, not long at all.

Yang had her offscreen chat about what kind of person her mother is, but that was also from a post-volume 3 mindset. I think this is how she'd react without the months of time she had to contemplate her mom being a bandit and the PTSD. It'll be interesting to see how she does react to her mom when she actually finds out though.

Oh yeah! Semblance. We'll go more into it, that's just Taylor's perspective on it, lots of different themes regarding it, yadda yadda. I was told it was serviceable, and sorry if it's not what you hoped for.

Also also, apparently the events of RWBY: Grimm Eclipse are canon, but I haven't decided if I'll delve into them because, honestly, it's a pretty boring, inconsequential story.

Also also also, there's now a RWBY comic (different from the manga) but, thankfully, it looks like it will take place post-volume 3. Though, I can already feel all the flashbacks coming...

Weiss section that didn't make the cut:

This part wasn't long enough for me to want to do another switch in perspective, so I just put it down here because I didn't want to just banish it to the shadow realm:

My eyes fluttered open and I tried rubbing the sleep out of them, to no avail. I let out a hearty yawn then clapped my hand over my mouth. I frowned and silently chided myself for the display but realised that it was still night and no one could have seen me in the dark.

I slipped out of my bed and quietly used the washroom. As I returned, I heard one of the sets of breathing turn more erratic than the others. The sound of fidgeting and moving blankets clashed against sounds of steady slumber.

It must be Taylor, having another nightmare.

I moved closer to Taylor's bed, and the sounds of movement confirmed my suspicions. I snuck to my desk, grabbed my scroll, and changed it to a very low light. It barely enough to make out the features close to it, and went back to check on Taylor.

She looks like she's in pain.

Taylor would twitch sharply and then go still, her face looking tense despite being asleep.

She doesn't look very good… She can't keep having nights like this, it isn't healthy!

I glanced at my partner, sleeping obliviously in some contorted position. Unhelpful. Blake wasn't moving either. Yang's soft snores were enough to tell me her state.

What do I do? Do I try to help? Wake her up?

My head shifted between Ruby and Taylor as I tried to decide if I should wake Ruby up or try to do something myself.

…Then again, I'm sure Ruby's suggestion will just be to sleep next to Taylor like she had before…

My fingers drummed against the silk of my nightgown.

Should I try to get her a drink of water? No, that would just mean waking her up, which is probably worse than just letting her sleep, even if the sleep isn't good.

I shuffled over to Taylor and began waving my hands to try and fan her, hoping the cool air would somehow help.

Judging by Taylor's hissed breath through her teeth and soft shudders, it didn't. Also, I felt ridiculous.

Taylor suddenly sharply inhaled, but I didn't hear the air come out.

Oh god, oh no, what do I do?!

It was only a moment before she finally exhaled but it had felt like an eternity. An eternity of me panicking in the darkness and fumbling to try and search for what to do on my scroll.

I was glad everyone else was asleep, it meant they wouldn't see my disastrous indecision.

Taylor began to toss and turn again, her cycle of discomfort repeating.

Fine then!

I softly grabbed Taylor's hand and tried to hold it in what I hoped was a reassuring way.

I'll just follow Blake's example and wait till Taylor calms down a bit, then I'll head back to my bed—

I gripped only empty air as I tried to reach for a chair. Taylor's hand tightened around mine as she struggled for a moment. She eased, but her grip was still strong.

My face felt hot as I stood dumbly beside her bed, not daring to try and break free in fear of waking her up.

I sighed as I realized what I was going to have to do.

Mental note: yell at Ruby tomorrow for putting me in this situation.

I gently eased my way next to Taylor, moving her hand and mine onto her stomach.

She seems even taller when I'm next to her like this.

Time passed but I made sure not to close my eyes and drift off. Slowly but surely, Taylor's breathing steadied and her movements calmed down.

Naturally, she'd be comforted when I'm doing something like this.

My eyes felt heavy and they threatened to close at any moment. I had waited longer than I had expected for Taylor to settle.

Now just have to— I yawned. Just have to set my scroll to vibrate and wake... me up… so that… no one sees…