Post VA - the rest of the books never happened.

DPOV

"Dimitri, stop. Just please.. stop." Rose pushed me away and sat up.

We'd set up a schedule where we worked out together three times a week, either during the day when Lissa was working in her home office or late at night when she was already asleep. Regular training sessions together made sure we stayed in-tune and kept working as a team. In a world of mostly alternating shifts these were also often the only times I'd get to spend with Rose alone. We used the private gym Lissa had set up for our use in the basement of her townhouse, making sure we'd always be close by if she needed protection.

When I'd gotten to the house tonight Rose had been very quiet and while she was helping Christian with the dishes, Lissa had told me she'd been like that all day. I'd decided to ask her about it as soon as Lissa and Christian went to bed, but she just shrugged and suggested we'd get started on our workout. For the past hour and a half I'd been trying to figure out what was wrong. When she wouldn't tell me I'd suggested we'd spar in an effort to cheer her up. She usually liked taking me down, which was happening more often than not lately. I'd just pinned her again though, third time in a row, and apparently she was done.

I grabbed both our waterbottles, handed her hers and sat next to her on the floor. "Rose, will you please just tell me what's going on? You've been quiet and distracted since I got here, I'm starting to get worried. At least tell me if you're okay and if there's anything I can do to help you." She didn't respond and I added: "Please?"

I don't know what I'd expected, but it wasn't the answer she gave me. She wouldn't face me but pointed first at me and then herself. "This. This is what's wrong. It's just not working."
My heart stopped for a moment. "What do you mean?"
Then she looked up at me, her eyes sad but determined. "I can't be around you like this, pretending we're friends or whatever. I just can't do it anymore Dimitri."

Hurt flashed through me and I answered without thinking. "I'm not pretending Rose. Are you?"
"Yeah, I am! And I think you are as well, that's the whole fucking point!" She exclaimed.

I flinched and leaned back at her vehement answer. Did she really think I was pretending? I thought we'd been getting along well. The last months at the academy had been a bit difficult, trying to find a way to get along and spend time together while ignoring the feelings we had for eachother, but I felt we'd been doing pretty well since all of us moved to Court six months ago.

And was she really saying that she was only pretending to be my friend? My heart shattered at the thought that while I still loved her deeply, she was only putting up with me because we were partners. I'd always been afraid her feelings would change, but I really hadn't expected it to happen this quickly.

I was pulled out of my thoughts by the feeling of her hand on mine and I focussed on her eyes which were full of regret. "I'm sorry, that came out.. wrong."
I heaved a sigh of relief but then she continued and everything came crashing down anyway. "I just can't be friends with you Dimitri. I tried, I really did, but I can't. It's confusing and it's driving me insane and it's just really, really screwed up."
While talking she had lifted her hands and then dropped them again in defeat. I reached out and took her hand again, missing the feeling of her hand on mine. "I don't understand."

She interlaced our fingers and looked at them before squeezing my hand. "This is what I want, and we both know that's just not possible. I know it's the way things are and the right thing to do and all that, but when we spend time together it feels like I'm in limbo or something. We're trying to act all normal but it feels like I've got to hold back all the time."

She took a deep breath and continued. "It doesn't feel right asking about your private life when I want to be a part of it. I don't really want to know what you did on your time off because I'm scared to hear something I don't want to hear. And I don't want to know who you're hanging out with because I know one day you'll give me an answer that'll make me feel like crap."

I carefully took my hand out of hers and then pulled her into my arms, holding her as tightly as humanly possible without suffocating her. Rose leaned against me willingly, burying her face in my shirt. I tried to will away the tears that had pooled in my eyes at her words and I whispered: "I know," and I did. I knew she was right. I'd had the same feeling several times but pushed it away because for me, being part of Rose's life was better than nothing. It didn't keep me from hurting though, and obviously the same could be said for her. The question was what we'd do about it.
"So where do we go from here?"

She twisted her head a little so she could speak. "I think we need to stick to being partners and otherwise keep our distance from eachother. You know, make sure our private and professional lives stay separated. Then we can do our job and keep Lissa safe without distractions."

I held on for another moment, unwilling to give up this apparently final moment of physical closeness that I'd be allowed, then I reluctantly released her and looked into her eyes. "Are you sure this is what you want?"
She made a sound which seemed to be somewhere between a chuckle and a sob, wiped her eyes and answered: "No, I'm absolutely sure it's not what I want. It is the right thing to do though. I can't go on like this."

I stared at her for what felt like a long time, trying to burn every detail into my mind so I wouldn't forget. From now on I might still see her often, but it wouldn't be the same, and I wanted to remember everything about her to get me through. She met my eye without moving or looking away, apparently doing the same thing. Finally she smiled sadly and looked down. I leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to her forehead. For a short moment she placed her hand on my heart and then she pulled away, got up and walked out of the door.

She didn't look back. Perhaps that was a good thing. I didn't want her to see me fall apart.

For the past 11 months I'd kept my distance. We greeted eachother when arriving at work, exchanged polite words when Lissa or Christian were around and trained together once or twice a month to make sure we'd still work well together. The rest of the time we avoided eachother like the plague. Well, she did, at least as far as I could tell. I did stay away from her, but I couldn't help watching her when we were in the same room together, or asking Lissa how she was doing. Lissa had recently been assigned a third guardian, a woman named Serena, allowing all of us a little more time off, but also limiting the times I'd see Rose since she was no longer always the one to take over my shift.

It was one thing not to be a part of her life anymore, but it was another thing entirely to stop loving her and to let her go. I still loved her as much as I ever did and I wanted to make sure she was okay, that she was happy. It was all I'd ever really wanted for her.

I'd been standing near the same punching bag for the past fifteen minutes, occasionally throwing a few punches at it while watching what was going on on the other side of the gym. Rose had been running on the threadmill when Jared Murray, one of the Royal guards, had come up to her and started talking. She'd taken a break and now he was standing close to her, casually leaning against the threadmill, happily chatting away and using his well-practiced, fake, half smile.

I knew Murray, or at least I knew of him, like probably most of the male guardians here. He was a couple of years older than me and while he might be a skilled guardian, he wasn't well liked. We'd all heard his stories in the locker room about who he'd slept with and who was next and while a few guys were impressed, most of us were disgusted by his actions. I wasn't sure if his bad reputation was known all around Court though and I threw another punch when I saw Roza smile back at him.

"Oh hey man, you almost done?"
I turned around and saw Julian Fischer standing behind me, looking apologetic. "Sorry to interrupt, but since you'd slowed down I figured you might quit soon and as you can see, it's a little busy around here. I can wait though."
Fischer and I occasionally trained together and I quite liked him, so I stepped aside and waved him forward. "No go ahead. You're right, I'm done for today."
He dropped his bag to the floor and nodded at me. "Thanks, I appreciate it."

I picked up my water bottle and looked back at Rose and Murray. Julian had apparently been watching me and followed my gaze. "I can't believe Murray is actually going after Hathaway."
"Me neither," I grumbled.
He threw a few punches at the punching bag. "It's probably because of that bet he made with Eriksen. Not sure why he thinks he'll win though, everyone knows Hathaway doesn't date."
I froze. "What bet?"
"Oh I thought you'd heard. Murray was bragging he could get any woman to sleep with him and Eriksen told him to prove it. He'd pick the target and if Murray succeeds he'll get a hundred bucks."

I clenched and unclenched my fists, desperately clinging to the last of my selfcontrol. I probably would have succeeded if Murray hadn't reached out at that exact moment to touch a lock of Roza's hair that had escaped her ponytail, a greedy smile on his face.

Next thing I knew I was standing on the other side of the gym, Murray on the floor in front of me. He was clutching the side of his face, his eye and cheekbone swelling rapidly.
"Dimitri! What the hell?!" Rose hissed beside me.
Meanwhile Murray spat some blood on the floor and glared at me. "I'll report you to Hans for this Belikov."
I leaned over him and said in a low voice: "If that's what you want. Perhaps you should invite Eriksen to come along as well. I'd be happy to explain why I acted the way I did." Then I lowered my voice further, making sure I wouldn't be overheard as I added: "But if either of you ever try something like that with my partner again, you won't be capable of sleeping with anyone, ever again."

He tried to pretend my words didn't affect him but I was near enough to see him recoil. He got up and shrugged. "You know what, you're not even worth the trouble of going to see Croft." He smiled at Rose, though the effect was somewhat ruined by the blood.. "It was nice talking to you Hathaway. I have to say I admire you for working with this guy. He seems a little unstable if you ask me."

Someone in the crowd behind him chuckled and said: "And you seem a little slow. Aren't you supposed to be the best of the best, ready for an attack 24/7 and all that?"
Murray grabbed his bag and shot me another dirty look as he walked away. I thought I saw Eriksen rushing into the locker room after him, giving me a wide berth.

As soon as Murray was out of hearing range Rose grabbed my arm and started dragging me towards the door. She didn't say a word, didn't even look at me but just kept walking, my arm in a vice-like grip. I could have stopped her, or asked her what she was doing and where we were going, but I kept quiet and followed her out of the gym. She released me then but didn't stop and I walked half a step behind her as she made her way past the track and into a quiet area of Court, where she turned several corners and walked into a public garden before stopping.

She turned on me immediately. "What the hell was that about?"
"Eriksen bet Murray he couldn't get you into bed. Murray just wanted you to sleep with him so he could collect his hundred dollars," I uttered once I finally unclenched my jaws.
Her eyebrows rose incredulously. "And you punched him... why exactly?"

I just stared at her in disbelief and after about thirty seconds she rolled her eyes and said: "I know Murray is the biggest manwhore, not to mention jackass, around here. Trust me, girls talk. Just because I wasn't ignoring him or didn't immediately kicked him in the balls, doesn't mean I was going to get naked with him." She shuddered at the thought and I felt a little better until she continued. "But even if I did, it would've been none of your damn business Dimitri."

My temper flared. "I just wanted to protect you! He's always talking about his conquests and I didn't want you to become one of them."
Rose narrowed her eyes. "I repeat, none of your damn business! If you were worried you could've talked to me and it would've been upto me whether I listened or not." She crossed her arms and stared me down. "Thanks for trusting my judgement though. I'm so much happier knowing my partner has complete faith in me."

She'd always had a knack for using sarcasm to make a point and I felt her words acutely. My anger disappeared and shame washed over me. She was right. Her personal life was none of my business and Rose was more than capable of making her own decisions. If she wanted or needed my help she would've asked for it, but she had made it clear months ago that she prefered it if I wasn't a part of her life.
I looked at her and said quietly: "You're right, I'm sorry. I should've stayed out of it. And I do trust your judgement, I trust you more than anyone, it's just..."
I didn't know how to finish the sentence without saying too much and I left it hanging for a moment before saying: "Never mind, I should go."

I looked around me to get my bearings and then set off towards the center of Court. I'd only gone a couple of yards before I heard footsteps behind me and Rose fell into step next to me. "Where are you going? We weren't done."
"I think we were. You were right, what else would you like me to say?"
I could feel her eyes on me but I didn't look at her. I had just made a decision and I was going to follow it through.

Of course I hadn't taken into account that Rose used to be able to read me better than anyone, and apparently things hadn't changed that much. She figured out I was upto something and asked again: "Where are you going?"
I didn't reply and when she spoke again her voice was much quieter. "Dimitri?"
Not wanting to ignore her, I sighed and finally answered: "I'm going to see Hans."

Rose instantly sped up and moved to face me, forcing me to a halt. "Why? I seriously doubt Murray is going to report you. He's not that stupid." She paused. "I think."
"I don't think he will, but I should still talk to Hans."
"Why?" she demanded.
For a moment I considered not answering her question, but Rose wouldn't give up until she knew what she wanted to know and she'd find out soon enough anyway. "To request a reassignment."

My answer shocked Rose. Her eyes went wide and she took a step back. I instantly reached out to steady her but she slapped my hand away. "Why would you do that?"
"Because it's the right thing to do."
She crossed her arms. "No it's not."
"It is Rose."
"It isn't."
I didn't really feel like getting into an arguement with Rose about this and I held up my hands. "It's the right thing for me Roza."

She went quiet. She studied me carefully and finally stepped aside, sitting down on on the edge of a nearby fountain. She didn't look at me but just nodded.
I could have walked away, I could've gone straight to Hans to get things settled and I knew Rose wouldn't have asked me for an explanation again. I couldn't leave her like this though and my decision was as much about her as it was about me.

I sat down next to her, feeling droplets of cold water hitting the back of my shirt. "I can't do it anymore Roza. I know being friends didn't work for you, and I understand. But I can't just be your partner. I can't stand being so close to you and yet feel like there's an enormous distance between us. I can't stand to see you every day and not want to talk to you, only exchanging civilities when other people are around and expect us to. And I can't pretend I don't care what's happening in your life, or that I don't worry about anyone hurting you."

I reached out to take her hand and I could feel the small tremor that indicated she was fighting to stay in control. "We tried being friends Roza and it didn't work for you. We tried being partners and it's not working for me. I think the best thing for both of us is if I remove myself from your life completely. You can move on, you won't have to walk on eggshells anymore because I'm around, you won't have to worry about me punching a guy because he has the nerve to talk to you. You can be yourself and you can be happy."

Her hand twitched in mine but she didn't say anything so I took a deep breath and finished what I wanted to say: "So I'm going to talk to Hans and I'm going to ask him to find me a different assignment, away from Court."

Rose suddenly jumped up and turned on me, her eyes flashing. "Wait, let me get this straight. You're going to ask for reassignment to get away from me, but you weren't willing to do it so we could be together? Nice comrade, really fucking awesome."
She turned on her heel and stalked away, calling over her shoulder. "Don't worry about it, I'll go and talk to Hans myself."

Mentally cursing myself, I ran after her and stopped her before she got out of the garden. "That's not what I meant Roza."
She crossed her arms. "Really? So you're telling me you didn't tell me we couldn't be together and guard Lissa because of her safety, our careers, bla bla bla?"
"Well yes, but.."
She cut me off: "But now you are willing to leave? You didn't resign when you were supposed to be in love with me. So what, me moving on from you is worth damaging your career over, but being with me isn't?"

I was so shocked by her outburst I wasn't sure how to move or talk or do anything for a moment. I stood there, gaping at her, at the way she misunderstood my feelings and at my own stupidity for not seeing another solution than cutting myself out of her life. She stood in front of me, still fuming but finally speechless, and I finally remembered how to move.

I wrapped my hands around her upper arms to keep her from walking away and when she looked up to object I met her glare with a steady look of my own. She fell silent, her words of protest dieing on her lips. I didn't take my eyes off hers for a moment while I said: "Being with you is worth much more than just my career Roza. You're right, I could and should have resigned as soon as arrived at Court, perhaps even when we were still at the academy. I didn't see a way around all of the objections to us being together. I shouldn't have cared about most of them to begin with, but the most important one still remains."

Rose closed her eyes and then asked quietly: "Lissa?"
"No." Her eyes opened again and she looked at me in surprise. "You Roza. It's not my career I was and am worried about, it's yours. You'd lose the respect of the other guardians as well as the Moroi before you even really started out. You might be given worse shifts or even assignments in the future because of it. Guys like Murray will treat you like fair game because if you're with one guardian, they assume you'll be with another."

It took a while for my words to sink in. I waited for her to understand, for her to realize what being with me would really cost her. Eventually she said: "Is that what would happen to you as well? Minus Murray, I don't really think you're his type."
I nodded and dropped my hands from her arms. "I can't be sure it would, but I've seen it happen to others."
"But you don't care?"

Rose was watching me carefully and I could feel how important this question, this answer really was. "No, I don't. But it would probably be much worse for you than for me, at least at first. You're still building your reputation while mine is already made. And due to you being younger and a woman most people will think it's easier to mess with you than me. They'd be mistaken obviously, I think we both know you're the better fighter, but it'll take them a while to figure it out."

"Screw them." Her answer was almost instant. "And screw you if you don't think I can handle it."
I chuckled before I could stop myself and said: "I haven't worried about you being able to handle yourself since you started training with stakes Roza."
She looked exasperated: "Then what is the damn problem?"
I looked at her and asked quietly: "Is it worth it? For you?"

This was really what it came down to. I was willing to sacrifice anything, deal with anything, if it meant being with Rose. I probably should have realized that a long time ago. I wasn't sure if it was fair to ask her to do the same though. I didn't have much to offer her. I couldn't give her a big house and an easy life. I couldn't give her a family. All I had to offer was myself, and a huge amount of complications. Was it really worth it? Was I?

I barely heard her whispered "Yes." I blinked once. Twice. She repeated herself more loudly: "Yes, it's worth it."

And then she kissed me.

Author's note: Did anyone ever wonder how long it would've taken Dimitri to figure out Rose would be willing to sacrifice everything for him if she hadn't told him to take Tasha's offer, he hadn't been taken and she hadn't dropped out and done a bunch of insane stuff to restore him? Well obviously I did ;)

Rose probably would've thought it was obvious and thus never would've said it in so many words, so it would've been upto Dimitri to figure it out for himself.

Anyway, hope you enjoyed it! I don't say it nearly often enough, but thank you so much for taking the time to read my stories and a huge thank you to all of the reviewers. You guys are the reason I'm still fighting the damn writer's block and it does finally seem to be moving a little, so thank you!