What Remains: The Remains of the Dialog

((October 9th, 2149))

He had to work. He had to work. The sooner he finished his job, the sooner the ordeal would end. He would no longer have to live in the jungle, homeless, cold, hungry and alone. His pain would finally be over. All he had to do was finish his job. All he had to do was focus.

He gazed up at the sky. The sun was shining beautifully that day, but, for some reason, his head was cloudy. "Come on, focus, focus," he told himself out loud. He looked at the equation on his plex. "Okay. The square of Mₓ plus Y₃ and I'm so alone and I hate everything!" He raised his voice when saying the last three words; he was practically yelling. Was he really yelling, though? They said if a tree fell in a forest and no one was around to hear it—there was no one around him, was there? No, of course not. He was alone. (Like always. As if he hadn't been alone long enough…) He was the only one who could hear himself yelling. Did it really count, then?

"Doesn't matter. Just focus," he said to himself again. "The square of Mₓ plus why am I alone? Why? Why? Why?" He let out a sob in spite of the fact that he was not crying. He did not even feel like crying. He did feel like whining, though: "What did I do to deserve this? Why is it my fate to suffer? Haven't I been through enough pain already?"

Lucas sighed. Whining would have felt a lot more satisfying if someone had been there to hear it. After all, they said shared sorrow was half a sorrow. Oh, how he wished he had somebody to share it with! 'I need company,' he thought to himself, 'a conversation. I need to talk to someone. I need to speak. I need to listen to a human voice. I need to know that someone understands what I'm saying and that I can understand what they're saying back to me.'

"I can always talk to myself," he said out loud. "No one else understands me, anyway."

He shook his head and frowned. 'But that's just monologing. I want to have a real conversation, a dialog.'

"I can pretend it's a dialog."

'Not the same.'

'It's the best I can do. Well, maybe not the best, but definitely the easiest.'

'But I don't want that. I don't want to have to play both parts. I want to talk to someone who isn't me. I'm sick and tired of myself.'

'Rude.'

'I want to go see the Sixers.'

"Nooo," he whined. "I don't wanna go there."

He rubbed his eyes, then sighed. "What other option do I have?"

'None. Apart from myself.'

"Well, there I go. I got to go see them."

"Unless none is better than the Sixers. Which, frankly, I'd say it is."

"Actually, no, it's, it's really not. None is the worst. I don't want to be alone all the time."

'Is it just me or do I sound spoiled when I say that?'

'I wouldn't say wanting some company makes me spoiled…'

'I'd say it does.'

'I'd say it makes me human. Who'd want to be alone all the time?'

'I don't have to want it. But I've only been alone for, like, two months now. I've been through worse than that, way worse, and I survived that. I shouldn't be bitching about it now.'

'Language!'

'Point is I need to start working and quit thinking about loneliness.'

"Ugh, I can't work!"

'Of course I can.'

"Well, I don't want to. I'm too lonely to work."

'I'm always lonely.'

"No, most times I'm just regular lonely. Now I'm extremely lonely. Two months is a long time! May not be the longest I've been through, but it's long. I want to speak to another human being again. I want to see the Sixers."

'Come on…'

"I want to see the Sixers!"

"Ugh, fine. I'll go see them. Maybe I'll be able to get some work done after that."

"But I don't want to see them."

"I just said that I do."

'Well, I don't anymore.'

'Fine, then I won't.'

'But I want to!'

"For crying out loud!" 'Then I'll go see them.'

"But I don't like them."

'Then I won't go.'

"But I'm so lonely…"

"Oh, for heaven's sake, I'm going in a circle here. I don't have any other option. Either I stop feeling lonely by going to see the Sixers, or I don't see the Sixers but I remain lonely. No. Other. Option. I can't have my cake and eat it, too."

'Not with that attitude.'

"Let's just think about it rationally for a moment. What will happen if I go see the Sixers?"

"Hmm, I'll have to be in the presence of people I don't like. People who don't like me. People who think I'm crazy. Which is annoying, because I'm, like, fifty percent sure anyone who'd spend as much time alone as I do would act the same way. But they've never spent as much time alone, so they don't realize that. They just think I'm a lunatic, and that's that."

'Right, and I'm sure if they could see me now, they'd change their minds about it…'

"That's insulting. 'S nothing wrong with a little play‑pretend."

'Not like I have lots of other options. I only have one other option, and it's a very annoying one.'

"Exactly! If I go there, I'll have to listen to those idiotic words that always come out of their mouths. 'Hey, Mira, how much ammo you got?' 'Why? Do you need any?' Come on now! Why else would I have brought it up? I may not be the best at talking to people, but even I know 'How much ammo you got?' would be a stupid way to make small‑talk."

"Come to think of it, maybe I am the best at talking to people. Maybe I'm so good, nobody else is on my level and that's why they think I'm crazy."

"Huh, I do like the sound of that. I'll believe it. For now."

'See, maybe I should go see the Sixers. Maybe they'll make me feel like I'm really good.'

'No, I'm sure they'd still get on my nerves.'

'So I shouldn't see them? Let's think about that now. What will happen if I don't see the Sixers?'

"Well, obviously, I'll be lonely."

"Already am."

"But I'll stay that way forever."

"Wha— Forever? Not forever! I don't want to be lonely forever."

'Well, I will be if I don't go and see them.'

'Let's be honest, chances are I'll be lonely even if I do go see them. It's hard not to be when someone's making you feel like an alien. Like you're the only member of your species.'

'But I'm not the only member. I'm a human. And they're humans, too. We're all people. And I want to see people. I need to see people. If I don't, then I'll feel like the only one.'

"But they don't get me! I want to see people who get me."

"Ha! Good luck with that…"

"Okay, that was just rude."

'See, maybe people would get me a little more if I were a little less me.'

"That's a rude thing to say. And uncalled for." 'If anyone should understand me, it's me. Why am I being mean to myself?'

"'Cause it's fun. And 'cause I have no one else to fight with. Gotta work with what's available."

"I hate myself…"

"What else is new?"

'Guess I can't blame the Sixers for feeling the same way, huh?'

"Watch me."

'Okay, I can blame them, but I shouldn't refuse to see them just because of this.'

'It's not just because of this. It's because they're annoying and I don't like them and I don't want to see them ever again.'

'That's not true.'

'Isn't it, though?'

'It's not, at all, because the truth is I want to see them right now.'

'Then why don't I go see them?'

'Because I don't want to.'

"But I just— Argh! I give up. This is impossible. I want two completely opposite things that I can't have at once. I want to stop feeling lonely, and I want to avoid feeling irritated. The first can only happen if I go see the Sixers, and the second can only happen if I don't see the Sixers. I'm stuck."

"Ugh, this in unbelievable. Why am I like this? I swear to god, I don't even know why I feel this way. Before they came, I went two years without saying a single word to another human being, and I was totally fine."

'No, I was not. I was really not. Not fine by a long shot.'

"But now it's only been two months since I've seen them, and I'm so lonesome I can't even work. How is that possible?"

'That's because I'm spoiled. They spoiled me. Their mere presence spoiled me. It's terrible, really.'

"I hate this. Why can't I just be alone? Why do I need company? Why do I need company even if I don't like said company?"

'I don't know why, I don't know. But I do know that I need them. I need to go see them. Let me see them!'

"But I don't want to…"

'I really don't. But I need to. I really need to do this.' "I need to go. I can't be alone anymore. I'm sick of it. I need to see other people. I need it."

"Ugh, fine. You win. …or I win or… I don't know. Never mind that. I'll just go see them."

"Finally! Should've done it weeks ago…"

(_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_)

'Hmm, I don't know why, can't explain it, but the closer I am to the camp, the more I don't want to go.'

'I've already made a decision, I need to stick by it.'

'But I really don't want to see them today. It doesn't feel right somehow.'

'And being alone does feel right?'

'No, that doesn't feel right either.'

'Well, if nothing feels right, I might as well stay on course.'

'But the course doesn't feel right.'

'Neither does straying from it.'

'What if it's fate, though? Maybe fate is warning me against seeing the Sixers by making me not want to go there.'

'Warning me? Why would that be the case? What so terrible could possibly happen because I'm going there?'

'A dinosaur could kill me on the way.'

'Not if I'm careful. And I'm always careful.'

'Yes, that's why I have a beautiful couple of scars behind my ear.'

'That wasn't my fault! Nykos are fast. And they can climb trees. There was nothing I could've done.'

'That's true, the nyko wasn't my fault. But the allosaur was. That was a mistake of mine. And then I couldn't walk. And I was stuck at their camp for a month. And it was horrible. I really don't think I should be going there now.'

'It wasn't that bad.'

'It was terrible! I was miserable the whole time.'

'I was not miserable. I was an idiot who thought he was miserable even though it was no big deal. They tried to be nice to me. Sure, they made a few missteps along the way—'

'They threatened to kill me! That's a lot more than a misstep.'

'It was just a joke! A dumb joke, but still a joke.'

'Well, I didn't know it at the time.'

'But I know it now, and that's what matters. They'd never hurt me. Sure, they're not as welcoming as they think they are, and they always look at me like I'm an alien… Where was I going with this?'

'You're playing the part that's arguing for seeing them, I'm arguing against it. Or is it the other way around? No, it's this way, I'm sure. It's confusing playing two parts.'

'Yeah, yeah, right, I'm saying that they're trying to be nice to me. So, yeah. Sure, they're not doing the best job, but they're trying. I got to give them credit for that, don't I?'

'I don't, actually.'

'But I will. And that's why I need to keep going. I've been alone for too long.'

'It's only been two months.'

'That's a long time.'

'No, it's not, I'm just whining.'

'Hey, the longer I'm alone, the more of an alien I'll be. Got to keep that in mind. If I go see them now, it'll be a lot easier than it would be a few months from now.'

'Fine, I'll stay on course. I don't want to, and it still doesn't feel right, but I'll do it. I'll just ignore fate's warning and keep walking because I am done arguing with myself about this. Done!'

(_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_)

'This is strange. This is very strange. Where is everybody? Where is… everything? Wasn't there furniture in this room?'

'There was.'

'And where is it now?'

"Hello?"

'No one's answering.'

"Mira?"

'Looks like no one's here.'

'Worse, looks like Mira's moved away again.'

'That can't be! She would've told me if they were moving, and she didn't say anything. Wait… Am I at the right camp?'

'Yeah, I got to be. The furniture's missing, but I'm 99.99% sure this is the place I went to last time.'

'What happened, then? Where are they?'

'They must have moved since then.'

'But she didn't even call me and tell me about it.'

'Maybe she forgot.'

'Oh, no! What if she did it on purpose?'

'Or what if I'm being paranoid?'

'No, that's got to be it. She did it on purpose. Because she didn't want me coming over anymore. Because she doesn't like me. That's so rude! I can't believe she'd up and leave me like this without sayin—'

"Oh! Oh! No! No, she did, she called me! I can't—" 'A couple days later, after I saw her, she called. She called me. She said they were moving.' "I remember now. Ugh, I can't believe I forgot about that!"

'Huh… Well, see? It really was fate warning me against coming here. Because fate knew I was wasting my time going to the wrong place.'

'That's a good point. I got to listen to fate from now on.'

'So what should I do now?'

'Go back to my shelter.'

'Shouldn't I go to their new camp now that I remember?'

'No, 'cause if I remember correctly, that place is the other way from my shelter. If that's not fate's sign that I shouldn't be bothered, I don't know what is.'

'But if I don't see them, I'll be lonely.'

'Have I not just now learned a lesson about listening to fate?'

'Just saying.'

'I was lonely before, I handled it, why couldn't I do it now? Of course I can do it. I'm going back. At least for today. I can see the Sixers next time.'

'But when will that be?'

'I don't know. When fate makes me feel like the time's right. Could be tomorrow, could be two years from now, who knows?'

'Well, fate better make it closer to tomorrow, 'cause I am not spending two years alone again. Never again, no matter what.'

Author's note

Hello again! Long time no see. Don't be alarmed by the seemingly different author. I changed my username and profile avatar, but (unfortunately) I am still the same person.

I hope you enjoyed reading this. I figured that, just for fun, I could have one chapter which would be (apart from the intro) pure dialog. Or should I say pure monolog? I'm not sure what to call it. :D Next time, Lucas will actually visit the Sixers, so if you want to see him interact with Mira and her bunch, come back when I post chapter #4. Until then, peace!