Limerence
(Pining)

Bakugou Katsuki can pinpoint the exact Moment he realizes he's fucked.

The stakes have never been higher. They're in their third and final year at UA, facing off in their third and final Sports Festival. This is it – winner takes all, forever the reigning champion of their year. Bets have been flying left and right underneath the teachers' noses, although they would be surprised if the teachers themselves didn'thave their own betting pool running.

This is his last chance to prove to the world that he's standing on the same stage as the up-and-coming hero Deku. This is his last chance to show the world he is not and will never be a villain, despite what the media may think. This is his last chance, his last chance, his last chance …

And suddenly there she is, standing before him like she did two years ago, and suddenly it's his last chance to settle an old score. He would never admit to anyone else that he's been itching for the opportunity to do so since their first year. He would never admit to anyone the magnitude of his disappointment when he didn't get that opportunity last year.

He would never admit to anyone that he's been paying attention ever since.

It's easy to hide, he muses as he stares at her across the ring. She stands with her chin up and her shoulders back, meeting his eyes with the same determination she'd had back then but also with a confidence she hadn't. It's been two years, and his classmates still don't believe he'd take interest in anyone outside his immediate circle and Deku. They're idiots, the lot of them.

"What?" Uraraka asks though an impish grin. She takes a step forward, crosses her arms, and shifts her weight with a cock of her hip. "You're not gonna give me an out this time?"

Katsuki's palms crackle at the challenge. He raises his chin and smiles that smile – so much for showing the world he is not and never will be a villain. But that's the last thing he's thinking about as he replies, "Nah, not this time, Uraraka. I'm not feeling that nice."

She shrugs, and it's easy to see she's enjoying this. His heart skips a beat, but that isn't the Moment. He's just eager to fight.

"So be it," she says.

The buzzer rings, and he braces himself for her charge.

She doesn't move.

Katsuki blinks. He blinks again. He's dumbfounded, and a suspense-filled hush falls over the crowd.

"Well?" Uraraka asks, stretching her arms up above her head with a causal ease. "What are you waiting for? Come at me, bro."

Still, he doesn't move. This is a trick, it has to be. Either she has something hidden up her sleeve, or she's playing very effective mind games with him. But as she brings her hands down to very pointedly examine her nails, it's evident that she won't be the one to make the first move any time soon.

Goddammit, she's already gotten one up on him. A sense of admiration for her washes over him, but this isn't the Moment, either.

He takes a cautious step forward, then another, and soon enough he's hurtling toward her. The distance closes, and still she doesn't move. She meets his eyes and stares him down, daring him to attack her.

So he does.

"DIE!" He lets his quirk loose with a shout, but he's careful to direct the explosion up and away from the ground. That was a mistake he wouldn't make again. He waits to hear her scream, or grunt, or make some noise in acknowledgement that he's hit her, but she's used his caution to her advantage and ducked beneath his blast. He gets a vicious kick in the ribs for his efforts.

They exchange a few blows, each careful to avoid the other's hands. It's a careful dance – a well-practiced one from two years of sparring against each other in classroom exercises. After a few minutes of back and forth, though, Katsuki finally knocks Uraraka far enough away to hit her with another large explosion.

When the smoke clears, there's no one there.

Now, due to the usual laws of physics, when someone disappears in front of him, his first instinct is not generally to look up. He wastes a precious second glancing around before remembering who it is he's dealing with, and by that point it's too late.

Uraraka hurtles down from the sky – like a falling angel, he thinks absently, but no. This still isn't the Moment. She lands just inches behind him, and he whips around with an explosion brewing in his palm with the intent to blast her square in the chest.

She reaches him first.

Five fingertips on his own chest, just over his heart, and suddenly Newton has forsaken him. His hand explodes, and without gravity to keep him grounded, he's a human rocket. He shoots backward, tumbling ass-over-teakettle, and that combined with the zero-g leaves his inner ears helpless. He regains his bearings enough to try to straighten himself out, but he's still not quite used to conducting aerial maneuvers without gravity there to provide some guidance, and he only succeeds in sending himself tumbling off in another direction.

The buzzer sounds, and in that instant gravity welcomes him back into her comforting embrace.

"Aaand the winner is: Uraraka Ochakooooo! Wow, what an upset! Give it up for Uravity, folks!"

From his vantage point on the ground just outside the ring, Katsuki watches Uraraka wave to the rolling crowds as he fights against the nausea roiling in his stomach. His head is spinning – he doesn't want to risk humiliating himself any further by attempting to stand up quite yet. He closes his eyes against the dizziness and rests his forehead on his knees for a moment.

"Hey," a very specific voice says, and he looks up to meet soft brown eyes. "Are you okay?"

His stomach lurches. "Yeah, just fucking peachy," he bites out as he swallows against it. "What the fuck, Uraraka?"

She laughs, and his stomach lurches again for a different reason entirely. "Yeah, you're okay," she agrees. She extends a hand toward him. "Can you walk? Here, I'll help you back."

"I don't need your goddamn help," he growls, but takes it anyway. For how soft she is, her hand is all rough calluses – save, of course, for the cat-paw pads on her fingers that are just as dangerous as any cat's claws.

She grins as she pulls him to his feet, all round-faced and pink-cheeked and fluffy-haired, and this – this is the Moment. Uraraka Ochako may be sickeningly sweet and unassuming most of the time, but she's got steel underneath that soft exterior. This woman just kicked his ass seven ways from Sunday and he's fucked.

His stomach lurches one final time, and he celebrates his revelation by just barely avoiding throwing up on the woman he is probably, most likely, most definitely in love with. And, if he's being honest with himself, probably has been for years.

She wins third place, after Deku and Todoroki, and Katsuki almost doesn't care that he's not on the podium.

Almost.

Deku's goddamned smile feels like a 100% One-For-All punch to the gut.

Months pass, and the excitement of the Sports Festival fades into the blasé of everyday life.

The League of Villains is quiet. Too quiet, but there's nothing they can, or particularly want, to do about it. It's a reprieve that doesn't take them long to settle into, but there's an edge to the ease. They train long, and they train hard. Now that they're third years, it's more their responsibility than ever to keep everyone at UA safe.

Katsuki is grateful for the distraction.

He tries to keep busy, because if he's not busy, his thoughts wander. They wander in the same direction as his gaze, which is forever being pulled – inexplicably – toward Uraraka. Except it's not inexplicable, is it? He knows exactly why he has a hard time looking away, and the more he tries to ignore it, the stronger it makes its presence known.

Her quirk might be the ability to negate gravity, but she's a gravity well in and of herself. He's stuck in her orbit, and in the freefall his heart threatens to fall right out his chest.

When she meets his eyes, she smiles, and his stomach flips. When she challenges him, she smirks, and his heat burns. When she touches him, it's friendly, and it's everything he can do to keep from exploding.

To get a scope of the issue: his first year in the dorms, he hid away in his room to avoid everyone. Last year, he started to tolerate the presence of his classmates. This year, he hides away in his room to avoid her.

It's one of the many downsides to living with all your classmates.

But tonight, he can't sleep. He tosses and turns, and every time he gets close, his brain switches to a new topic and he's wide awake again.

Uraraka.
Deku.
All Might.

With a grunt of frustration, he sits up and checks the time.

01:37

Katsuki squints against the red glare of the alarm clock. With a heavy sigh, he drops back down onto the bed. It's not like he's slept well since he started at UA, what with the USJ attack and his subsequent kidnapping and everything else that's happened since then. He doesn't think any of his classmates sleep particularly well – sometimes he'll hear the soft rhythmic thud of Eijirou working his punching bag well into the wee hours of the morning.

It's the kind of shit that would have pissed him off once upon a time, but it doesn't now. What does it matter if it keeps him up, if he's not sleeping anyway?

Uraraka.
Deku.
All Might.

He'll miss it once they graduate. It's grounding, in its own way – a reminder that he's not alone. Sometimes he wonders if Eijirou does it on purpose. He's never asked, but it's Eijirou, and Katsuki wouldn't put it past him.

It's one of the upsides to living with all your classmates.

He sighs again, presses the heels of his palms into his eyes, and runs his hands back through his hair. Sleep isn't happening right now, that's for sure. With a groan, he pushes himself to his feet, grabs a sweatshirt off the back of his desk chair, and wanders downstairs.

Uraraka.
Deku.
All Might.

He doesn't bother turning on the lights – after three years of living in the same building (the 1-A dorms became the 2-A dorms became the 3-A dorms), he knows its layout by heart. Besides, the darkness is warm and comforting, and it's the closest Katsuki will ever get to understanding Tokoyami. When he turns the corner, though, he finds that someone left the TV on before they went to bed. It's muted, but the colors flash, casting the common room in dim relief.

That being said, the refrigerator light is still blinding. He blinks against it, and then proceeds to stare blankly at the refrigerator's contents. He might not be able to sleep, but that doesn't mean his brain is entirely with it beyond the same three thoughts that haunt him.

Uraraka.
Deku.
All Might.

At long last, he settles on hot chocolate and pulls the milk from the fridge. He closes the door and is plunged back into the relative blessed darkness, broken only by the flickering of the television. The microwave, at least, is a little dimmer than the fridge. This isn't an unfamiliar routine, so it's not hard to pull the cocoa mix and chili powder from the cupboards as the milk heats up.

The microwave beeps harshly, piercing though the quiet of the night. Katsuki almost cringes, but he knows from three years' experience that no one can hear the microwave beep from the next floor up, except for maybe Jirou and Shouji if they were listening for it.

Uraraka.
Deku.
All Might.

A gasp from the couch causes him to jump, and he drops the cocoa and chili powder on the counter.

"Wha? Who's there?" a feminine voice demands. Quietly, to herself, she asks, "And what time is it?"

There are only six girls in class 3-A, and of those six, Katsuki still only knows one like the back of his hand. He freezes. His stomach flips. What is she doing in the common area at – he checks the time on the microwave.

Uraraka.

"The fuck are you doing up at one-fifty two?" he asks, answering both her questions. "You gave me a fucking heart attack."

"Oh, Bakugou," she says easily. She sits up, and Katsuki can only just make out her silhouette against the TV. He averts his eyes. She yawns. "What're you doing?"

"I asked you first, goddammit," he grumbles, adding the cocoa and chili powder to the milk. "But I'm fuckin … making hot chocolate, I guess. Couldn't fucking sleep."

"Story of our lives," Uraraka says through another yawn.

Now, if asked, anyone who knows Katsuki on a surface level would say that he's the most confident motherfucker they know. But the fact is – and he tries very hard to hide this – he's not. And it has never been as painfully obvious as it has been since his realization at the Sports Festival.

How the fuck does he talk to her? How the fuck did he used to talk to her? He doesn't know. If she were anyone else, he'd just tell her to fuck off and that'd be that. But she's not.

He also can't be too nice, for two reasons. The first being that he doesn't entirely know how. The second being that if he was, it'd be suspicious, and he can't risk this secret getting out.

He hasn't even told Eijirou.

So, he cups his hands around his mug and stares straight at the counter in front of him. "I told you my reason, now what's your excuse?"

"Ehh, I was just watching TV and fell asleep," she says with that false cheeriness he's noticed she uses when she's trying to convince someone she's okay. "It's nothing, really. I should be getting to bed."

He shouldn't ask. He's Bakugou Katsuki, and he doesn't give a shit about anyone other than himself and a handful of people. Asking would be suspicious. But … she's included in that handful of people, and has been for a while.

And he doesn't want her to leave.

"Do you want hot chocolate?" he blurts out. "I've got everything right here."

He finally looks over at her, and he can see the surprise on her face. When she doesn't respond for several moments, he bristles. "I'm kidding, of course," he spits. "Go get some sleep in your own fucking bed, Uraraka, and stop bothering me."

"What? No! No, I – I'm sorry. I'd really like that, Bakugou, if you're still offering." She trips over her words, and his name spilling from her lips sends a chill down his spine that his sweatshirt can't ward off.

Katsuki crosses his arms over his chest and leans sideways against the counter, staring her down. "It's only an offer if you tell me what's fucking wrong," he says.

Her silhouette straightens in front of the TV. "Only if you tell me what's wrong with you."

Uraraka.
Deku.
All Might.

Fuck, she really had to turn this back around on him, didn't she? If he caves, then it's as good as admitting to her that he wants her there. That he wants to spend time with her. He should hit her with a "Fuck no," and get the hell out of dodge. He opens his mouth to do exactly that, but what comes out is:

"Fucking, fine. Whatever. Spicy or weenie?"

Even in this dark, he can tell that she grins, and his stomach flips again. "About half-weenie, half-spicy."

Goddammit.

Silence falls between them as he makes another mug of hot chocolate. He puts the stuff away, then carries both mugs over to the couch. He hands Uraraka hers, then sits on the opposite end of the couch she's on – as far away as possible.

"Start talking."

Uraraka sighs. "It's so stupid, really," she says, staring down into her mug. The light from the TV flickers across her features, and Katsuki is foolishly, stupidly, moronically entranced. "You're gonna think less of me for it."

"Yeah, probably," he says, not quite honestly but not quite dishonestly, either. "But if you don't tell me I'm just gonna take that fucking mug back and go."

She rolls her eyes and clutches the mug tighter, blowing on it gently before taking a sip. She's so goddamn adorable, and he hates it. Her eyes drift to the television. He follows her gaze.

The news channel is replaying the highlights of the day. There had been a minor villain attack that morning, but it was quickly resolved by Mirko and her intern. Deku's face flashes on the screen before them, his smile sheepish yet proud as he says something to the reporter. Uraraka sighs.

Deku.

"I'm really happy for him and Todoroki," she says, "but it's … really hard seeing them together all the time." She mumbles her confession into her mug, as if it will catch her words and keep them from spilling any father.

Something snaps in Katsuki's chest, and suddenly he can't breathe. His palms crackle against his own mug. It's only by virtue of his own resolution that he doesn't blast it across the room and into the TV – into Deku's smug-ass little face.

How does he do it? How does the fucking nerd continue to steal everything that Katsuki ever wanted away from him without even trying? Without even realizing?

"It's so dumb," Uraraka continues, shrinking into herself in the face of his silence. "It was my decision not to say anything to him about my feelings, especially once I realized Todoroki liked him as well. I practically pushed them together! So why does this still suck?"

Katsuki bites back his anger. Bites back his jealousy. Bites back every negative emotion he feels roiling beneath his skin. "Are you … asking me?" he manages to say.

Only now does Uraraka look over at him. She shrugs half-heartedly. "I guess? I'm not really expecting an answer, or anything." She laughs, but it's pitiful. "I know who I'm talking to."

He takes a gulp of his hot chocolate, and it burns all the way down. Does she really think that little of him? He answers his own question. Yeah, she does, because that's the way he wanted it to be.

"Well, why didn't you say anything to him?"

It's a question he's not sure he really wants to know the answer to, but it's past his lips so there's nothing he can do about it at this point.

She shrugs again, and it's starting to annoy him now. "I wanted to focus on getting through school and becoming the best hero I could be. My feelings were a distraction, and it was a distraction I didn't need to put on him as well. Besides –" she stares wistfully back at the TV – "he's so focused on his hero work, and as admirable as that is, I knew I would've always come second. And I didn't want that. I don't want that."

Something swells in Katsuki's chest at her criticism, albeit mild, of Deku. "And what about fuckin' Half n' Half? He's settling for coming second, then? Like dear old dad?"

Uraraka reaches out and slaps him lightly, and his heartrate skyrockets. "Don't be mean," she scolds gently. "But to answer your question, I think Todoroki is more suited to standing equally beside him than I would've been? I don't know. It's hard to explain. He just … makes me feel inferior, sometimes, without even trying. And that wouldn't make for a healthy relationship, y'know?"

He does know. He knows all too well – well enough that he's stunned into silence. How? How does she do it? How did she just put into words the feelings he's been struggling with for years?

"Yeah," he croaks. "Yeah, I do know. I – that's what – that's how –"

Realization dawns across her face at his stilted non-sentence. "That's how you've felt about him, too," she says, so gentle that he's torn between snapping at her and crying. He swallows hard and does neither.

"I've tried to come to terms with the fact that he's just fucking better than me. He's always been a better person, and I fucking hated it. But now he's a better hero, too, with a better quirk than mine! And it's been years, but it's still hard, standing in his goddamn shadow."

In the morning, he'll justify it by the fact that it was late. But right now, it feels good to get everything off his chest – everything he's been hiding because he knows it's not okay, and he's supposed to be over this. He's supposed to be better than this.

But she's soft, and he's sharp, and she's strong, and he's weak.

"In every fucking exposé that they've done on our class since freshman year, I'm always 'Deku's childhood friend.' He's never 'Bakugou's childhood friend.' And that's just how it's gonna fuckin be for the rest of our lives," he spits.

To her credit, she doesn't say anything. She just gazes at him with those large doe-eyes of hers, and Katsuki is grateful for the fact the darkness hides the blush rising on his cheeks.

He hesitates. He hasn't told anyone about this next part yet, but … if there's anyone that he'd want to know first, it'd be her.

All Might.

It's his turn to sigh. "All Might pulled me into his office after class a couple days ago. He … he told me that every year, UA sponsors a couple graduates to go to America. I guess they have a partnership with one of the universities over there. It's actually the same program he went through, fuckin' … forever ago."

Uraraka scrunches her nose. "He's not that old," she protests.

"He might as well be," Katsuki grumbles, but there's no heat in it. "But anyway. They wanted him to nominate students for the program, and … he nominated me. And Half n' Half."

She gasps. "That's amazing, Bakugou! Did you accept?"

"Of course I fuckin' did." He snorts, then settles back into something more serious. "But I fucking asked him, straight to his face, why he picked me over Deku. And he said it was so that I could go be my own person for a while, so that I could get out from under Deku's shadow."

All Might had leveled the playing field by giving Deku his fucking quirk, but now he's doing so again by giving this opportunity to Katsuki.

Uraraka hums thoughtfully. "That's probably why he chose Todoroki, too. So that he could be his own hero without constantly being compared to Endeavor."

"Like I fucking care."

She laughs, and his heart soars as he yawns. He's truly exhausted now – he doesn't know how people can talk about emotions on a regular basis. It's awful.

"I'm really happy for you, Bakugou! That's awesome! You'll have to tell us aaallll about America!"

"Yeah." He shrugs. "Of course. But I think I'm gonna go back to bed now, it's fucking late."

He pushes himself from the couch and motions to take Uraraka's empty mug, which she hands over. He considers leaving them both in the sink, but he doesn't want people to wonder. He'll take them back up to his room and wash them in the morning.

"Goodnight, Bakugou," Uraraka calls after him.

"'Night." He gives her and offhanded wave, and then he's gone.

Fuck.

The only downside to All Might's offer?

The fact that he's moving out of the country after graduation is even more reason to never tell Uraraka how he feels about her. But maybe that's actually an upside.

All he knows is that his heart hurts and he just wants it to stop.

He doesn't think it'll stop any time soon.

A/N:

I'm super psyched to be back in the swing of writing and posting my first bnha fic. If you want to talk to me, you can find me on tumblr at the url karmahope!