Disclaimer: Still don't own any of the characters. And Linkin Park owns the song, From the Inside.

Summary: This chapter takes place two days after Xander's death. Willow is packing up Xander's stuff when she comes across a letter that Xander wrote explaining what led him to his tragic end.

// Are between the lyrics

Willow's P.O.V:

Two days ago I lost my best friend since kindergarten, Xander Harris. When Dawn explained to me that Xander had been in cahoots with The First, it took all of my self control not to yell out and call her a liar. To fall to my knees and let myself be taken over by the dark arts that flow through my body all of the time. How could I have not noticed the severe change in Xander's behavior? How could I let Xander down?

As I pack all of Xander' things away, I can't help but remember all the good times we had. First it was him, me, and Jesse, then it was him, me, and Buffy. I remember how I used to believe that we would live together happily ever after and how cute he looked doing the Snoopy Dance. I wish I hadn't been so caught up in my own demons, maybe I could have saved Xander like he saved me.

While cleaning out Xander's desk drawer, I find things that only the Goofy Xander would have stashed away. I find a few comics, a couple of Twinkies, and an old photograph of us. It has Him with Cordelia, me with Oz and Buffy. As I stare at the battered, old picture, a tear that I didn't even know I had shed fell unto it. " Sweet, loveable Xander." I whisper. "I'm sorry I let you down." Under the picture, I found a letter hand-written by Xander. I'd know his chicken scratch a mile away. I leaned back on Xander's bed and began reading:

Dear Former Friends,

I'm so sorry that I betrayed you. I didn't deserve your trust and I especially didn't deserve your love.

So much has happened over the past seven years. We have made many mistakes but we have been able to stick together. The only problem was that I wasn't being true to myself or to you guys. For a long time I have been bottling up my pain, my insecurities, and my doubts, taking living on the Hellmouth and fighting the forces of evil one day at a time. After seven years I began to think that I was important in this war against evil, that I was important to Buffy. That night in the vineyard brought me back to reality in the harshest way possible./ I don't know who to trust to no surprise

/(Everyone feels so far away from me)

Happy thoughts sift through dust and the lies

(Trying not to break but I'm so tired of this deceit)

(Every time I try to make myself get back up off my feet)

(All the tiring time between)

(And how trying to put my trust in you just takes so much out of me)/

When Buffy's arrogance cost me my eye I didn't know what to do. Since I first learned about what goes "bump in the night" I've been fighting the good fight, I've had a purpose, someone to believe in. I began to think of Buffy as someone who was divine, who could do no wrong. When I lost my eye, my world shattered around me....and The First was there to pick up the pieces...

*Chorus*

/Take everything from the inside and throw it all away.

Cuz I swear for the last time I won't trust myself with you./

That night that we had our "intervention" for Buffy, I felt for her a rage I had never felt before in my life. Sitting there, listening to her belittle us, made me realize just how worthless I had been for the past seven years. The pain, betrayal, and tension in that room was enough to chill me down to my soul. Buffy's words were almost as bad as Caleb's maiming. Without a sense of purpose my days are long and restless and my nights full of nightmares created by my demons. The demons I created because I chose to blindly follow Buffy.

/Tension is building inside steadily

(Everyone feels so far away from me)

Heavy thoughts forcing their way out of me

(Trying not to break but I'm so tired of this deceit)

(Everything I try to make myself get back up off my feet)

( All the tiring time between)

(And how trying to put my trust in you just takes so much out of me)/

It's been so long since I've been honest with myself that after a while I didn't even notice how it effected me. How every time I let Buffy use me and run rough shot over all of us that I died a little inside. No matter how great things were going for me at the time I would still feel a heaviness on my heart. I was never completely sure about what it was but I knew that I would never find true happiness while it was there. The only true and constant thing in my life that I believed in with all my heart and soul was fighting side by side with my friends. I felt that winning the war was second and fighting evil was the most important thing. Apparently I was wrong because our leader finds me more useless than I was before I lost my eye.

*Chorus*

/Take everything from the inside and throw it all away.

Cuz I swear for the last time I won't trust myself with you./

The First came along and for the first time in a very long time I felt appreciated. Even if it was fake, I felt loved. If your reading this I'm guessing that either the final bout hasn't come yet or that you guys won. Truthfully, I hope you guys won because I no matter what I still love you guys. If I had stayed with you guys then there was a chance I'd survive this war and wearily spend my days with this pain still inside of me. I couldn't take that chance. I'm sorry everyone but I need peace. I'm sorry that you've changed so much Buffy and that we weren't able to stop your decension into self superiority. A fate that will most likely alienate everyone around you and leave you alone and bitter. And most of all I'm sorry, Willow. Sorry that I wasn't strong enough to stay. And sorry that I made you the last of The Three Musketeers to survive Sunnyhell. You were the only real family I ever had, Wills. I love you.

Regretfully,

Xander Harris

I sat there for what seemed after forever after finishing the letter. Tears flowing freely from her eyes. " Sweet Goofy Xander." I choked out. "None of us truly deserved you. I hope you have found the peace you sought." And finally I let out the pain-filled cry that I had been holding in since I learned of the death of my brother, my first love, and my best friend, Alexander Harris.

/I won't waste myself on you

You

You

Waste myself on you

You

You/

R/R: Please. I know its sad but I wanna know if it's well written

Thank you for reading.

Love, Jaded316