Chapter 6

Mornings like these, the ones after we make love, it all comes rushing back to me.

How we started.

Why we even got this far.

Sometimes I wonder how much further we'll go. If one day, we'll achieve all of our unspoken little dreams. The kind that we squirrel away, not even mentioning them, since doing that would put some level of expectation between us.

I'm scared of it. Moreover, I'm terrified of what it might mean if we don't have those little talks one day.

Our entire relationship is a vexing thing, one that we both know shouldn't have happened. Why we've managed to make it work for so long, I'll never know. We're both solitary people. We're selfish in the way we distance ourselves from the world. I still don't know why Yang is the way that she is. She still doesn't understand my motives either. We haven't talked about them. We've never needed to…or rather, we avoid what we need to do.

That's probably a better way to phrase it. We avoid going further, because what we have now is so easy…

Easy, but not completely fulfilling…

The weight of our emotional distance would probably ruin any other relationship. It would probably squash down any other soul that tried. It's a heavy thing. Almost burdensome. Since we haven't really talked about our future, it's hard to know if we'll have one at all. There are times I've tried, and other's where she's made the attempt. For whatever reason we're the same in our silence.

To be honest, I don't know what makes us different. I don't understand why we live our lives this way. I don't think there's a method to the madness anymore.

Still, I recall our first night tangled in the sheets perfectly. At the time, I refused to cheapen the experience of what I felt for her. I didn't murmur the simple words floating in my mind hazily as we melted into each other's arms. I thought them, certainly. Even when I tasted her desire upon my tongue, proof of all the carnal desires that had culminated around us to reach that point, I still didn't say a word.

Truthfully, those three special little words wouldn't come until years later.

I'd accidentally spoken them offhandedly one late morning during brunch. There wasn't magic in any of it, no jaw dropping moment. She just nodded and said the same in that ham-fisted, easygoing way of hers. After, we left it at that. Our love life isn't a fairy tale. It's messy and closeted, concealed away so that nobody knows. It's easier that way.

At least, it is for me.

Yang wants to be able to tell her family and friends, but she knows that given my status, she'll never be able to.

There's only so much I can give her. My affections might even seem muted compared to hers. I wish there was more to it than what it was. I wish I could shower her with the same sort of overtures that she provides for me. I'm just not that sort of person. I never had been. Still, what little we have is paramount, and I know Yang clings just as desperately to it as I do.

Perhaps in another life, we could be more than lovers hiding in the shadows. Perhaps in another world, there would be something more for us. Something deeper than our occasional meetings, as short as they are. Perhaps if we were different people, we might even settle down, get married and raise a family.

Our lives aren't that perfect, or that simple.

We can't risk anything more than what we are. It's annoying, honestly. Just as annoying as the first time I met her. Still, I'm stubborn enough not to change things. Yang's the same way. I believe, in some small respect, it's that same bullheadedness that's kept us together for so long. The distance between us as lovers doesn't seem so far when I realize we cling to independency in the same way.

She hasn't made an effort to strength our bond, either. We don't like change, neither one of us.

It's times like this, when I stop and think back on it all. When I leave her bed, put on some clothes, and go someplace other than where I want to be.

"Leaving so soon?"

I know, I'm her worst mistake.

"I'm needed at the office. I'd cancel if I could, but I did that already last week."

Knowing that, hell, it's just as painful as our first, booze soaked kiss.

"Well, damn, that sucks…"

We don't address the issue.

"I agree, but, it's unavoidable."

We say we're fine with the way things are.

"You coming back after work?"

We go through the motions.

"I don't know. Meetings might run late."

We live the best way we know how.

"Again? Can't the asshole sit in on them?"

We haven't tried to find a better way.

"My father will be there, but, I must also attend as well."

We say that we don't need to.

"Dammit…well, then just text me when you can."

Honestly?

"Of course."

I look down and shake my head as I finish getting dressed, the same way I always do.

"If you can get free early enough, I'll make dinner."

The way that she says that hurts. She still has that way about her. Able to tug at my heart in a way that no one else can. I have to force a smile, for her sake.

"I'll do the best that I can."

She forced a smile too, but she knows my tone of voice too well by now.

"I'll look forward to it then. And if not tonight, there's always tomorrow."

Her bright sunny attitude is all I have in my life. I'll try to make her happy. By the gods, I'll try…but trying isn't always good enough. I probably won't be around for dinner. I probably won't be able to stop by at all tonight, and she'll have to spend it alone.

No matter what we say about any of this, it's still lonely.

It's still halfhearted.

It's still denial.

And between each vexed kiss, I know the truth.

I'm the one to blame...

AYangThang: Well, that's where we'll leave the freezerburn pair for now. Hope you enjoyed this short fiction for what it was, and forgive its flaws for what it isn't.

Until next time.