Funny how that monthly update thing turned out, huh?

Also why can't I align things to the right? This is far from the first time it has bothered me.

Word Count: 1,374

i'm not afraid

It is during his lunch break and right after he is done eating his packed meal — all of it — that Alexander realizes how weird it is that there actually is someone he can ask for advice on this. It is probably the closest thing to a miracle in his entire life — with the possible exclusion of his continued survival.

As infinitesimally small as the chances are, Alex actually knows someone who has gone through this a few years prior. Or at the least something closer to Alex's situation than the average pregnancy by a cisgender woman.

He took his phone out of his pocket and typed a message to Lafayette, inviting xem and xeir family around for later that evening, as well as informing John and Eliza that he had done so, getting messages of their approval within seconds.

With that done, he finds that the metaphorical weight on his chest has gotten lighter and that he can concentrate better. His thoughts are still pressured by the decision he has to make as soon as possible but he can think more clearly and work more productively now.

Or well, he would had Washington not decided months ago that Alex is required to stay out of his office without any papers or his laptop for at least 30 minutes during lunch. It is one of the few fights Alex has ever backed down on, and only because everyone else he knows had gotten involved on Washington's side and he had managed to amend the deal so he could bring his phone.

It is the best deal he possibly could have gotten out of that.

Speaking of his phone, Lafayette had replied to his invitation.

LABAGUETTE: we'll be happy to come over
LABAGUETTE: is there a special reason?

: yes, but it's not something to discuss over the phone

: i'll tell you that you're the only person i know who can give me advice on this and you will have to live with that

: at least for the next couple of hours

LABAGUETTE: you have made me very curious, mon ami

: I know.

: anyway, gtg back to work

The end of the day rolls around so fast, that Alexander is already waiting outside for his ride before he has the chance to prepare himself emotionally for the evening.

He's even distracted enough that he actually responds to Burr's and Madison's goodbyes, which is something that has not happened in a long time. They seem as surprised about it as he is himself.

At least he still comes up with a new insult for Jefferson. This pregnancy doesn't have that much of an effect on him, luckily.

Or rather, it has not yet. Should he decide to continue, choose not to have an abortion — and he doesn't have all that much longer to decide — then there will be some rather big changes, if not necessarily connected to Jefferson. More than likely not connected to him at all, in fact.

There's the physical aspect. He's almost completely certain that he would have to stop taking the testosterone he had fought so hard and long to actually get. The swelling of his chest — he hasn't gone through top surgery, so yeah, that's going to be a thing — is probably one of the worst things, as he can't even bind as he has for a long time.

Not to forget the fact that Alexander has multiple health issues that are likely to present additional complications as well. There's his lungs, his liver, his returning illnesses, and his permanent exhaustion — that he realizes is a problem, thank you very much, even if he can't bring himself to change anything, as there is just so much he has still left to do.

More even, if there is a kid. Because raising a child is a lot of work, as just about everyone on this planet is aware of.

And the finances! Raising a child would cost money and all three of them were still very much working on paying off their student loans with varying degrees of success. And either they'd have to either rearrange their schedules or take time off or hire someone, none of which made that any easier.

Additionally, there was also the issue of Alex's and John's own, less than stellar childhoods. They had gotten a rather extensive list on what not to do, at least, and John was probably already thinking about books to get to fix that lack of knowledge. Plus, they had Eliza who had a decidedly less traumatic childhood and a relevant job to draw ideas from.

Alex takes a sip of his coffee — somehow he's managed to get himself to opt for decaf. Just in case. He empties the cup at the precise moment he sees John's car pulling up in the distance, just like he had promised, just like he always did when he said he would.

A part of Alex still doubts that John will actually turn up every single time.

"Hello, Alexander," John says suggestively as he stops. The window is already rolled down as it is the middle of summer.

"Hello as well, my dear Laurens," Alex responds in the same manner, entering the car as he does so. Honestly, they had come up with this way of saying each others name — originally as a joke — within their first week or so of meeting and Alex doubts it will ever stop working on him. "How was your day?"

John chuckles as he starts the car up again, eyes focused on the road. "Well, there was this dalmatian, Sterling was the name, who decided that Francis's leg was the ideal spot to pee on."

Alexander snorts. "He deserves it."
"Alex, you can't hate my exes forever," John informs him sternly.

"Just watch me." He crosses his arms in front of him. "You and Eliza hate on the Kittys as well, after all."

"Yes, but that's different. Plus, I don't hate Ned or any of Eliza's exes."

Alex has to give it to him. John and Francis had broken up partly because the former had met him, whereas Kitty Livingston still insisted she was exclusively lesbian to this day, despite the fact she is one of the first people Alexander had come out to.

And they don't talk about the other Kitty, and Alex doesn't think about it either.

He doesn't. It certainly doesn't creep into his nightmares like too many other things in his life. Like the death of his mother, like the suicide of his cousin, like the hurricane, like the fire on the sh-

"Speaking of Ned, he hasn't come around in a while."

John's voice pulls him back into reality. He's gotten good enough at recognizing the signs at a glance.

Alexander blinks a few times to reacclimate himself with his surroundings. The car isn't far from their home where Eliza will already be waiting, as he shit ended before theirs today.

"Yeah," Alex responds slowly, "He's gone back to Nevis for a few months because of his father."

"He'll have to come around the moment he's back. He's always nice to have over. Just like Laf and his family."

Alex frowns. "I thought it's xey today?"

"Oh it is? I haven't spoken with xem yet today," John corrects himself. "Probably good to know."

"Probably, yeah." The thing with Lafayette is that xeir gender sometimes shifts multiple times a day and sometimes not for months. It is one of the reasons why xey had taken to wearing wristbands to signify xeir current gender and the associated pronouns halfway through high school. Not that Alex had known xem back then.

"I'm assuming that you and Laf will be having a conversation of your own for a bit?" There's no need to say what about. Both of them alread know it, after all.

"Yeah, Washington reminded me it was an option. Kinda odd we didn't realize that between the three of us."

"That's true. I guess we had a lot to think about though, you especially. Does Washington actually know?"
In response, Alexander simply shrugs. "He might have guessed."